Dating Advice for Young Widowers  

When I started to date after the death of my first wife, I wanted to talk with someone who had found themselves in a similar situation. I wanted to know about their dating experiences and how they handled awkward situations that may have arisen. Unfortunately I had no one talk with and was left to work things out for myself. But my dating experiences did teach me some things and I’ve decided to share them in hopes they can be helpful to others. (If there are young widows who read this and find it helpful, please let me know. I’m curious to know whether the same issues apply.)

1. When you decide to date again is up to you

I started dating five months after my first wife died. Too soon? I know some friends and family who thought so. But five months was when I felt ready to at least test the dating waters. In reality there’s no time frame when one should start dating again. Grieving and moving on is a process that is unique to each person. Some people take years, others weeks, and then there are those who choose never to date again. Whatever you do, don’t let others tell you you’re moving to fast or waiting too long. Make sure it’s something you’re really ready to do before you take that step.

2. Make sure you’re dating for the right reasons

If you’re feeling like dating again, take a moment and decide why you want to do it. It’s not wrong to date because you’re lonely or desire some company. Single people date for those reasons too. However, if you’re dating because you think it going to somehow fill that big hole in your heart, it’s not going to happen. Dating can’t fill the void or heal the pain that comes from losing a spouse. But dating does give you the opportunity to open your heart to anther person and chance to experience the unique and exquisite joy that comes with it. So when you examine the reasons for dating, make sure you’re not dating to mend a broken heart. A broken heart is one thing all the dating in the world cannot heal.

3. Feeling guilty is natural (at first)

During my first date, I felt like I was cheating on my dead wife. My date and I went to a restaurant and as we entered the place I looked around the restaurant to see if there was anyone I knew. I thought that if anyone saw me who knew me they’d run and tell my dead wife what I was up to. It sounds silly but I couldn’t shake the feelings the entire date.

A week later I went out with someone else. The same feelings of guilt were there only they were less intense. It took about five dates before the feeling went away entirely and I could enjoy dating more. I don’t think there’s a set number of dates for the feelings of guilt to disappear but there should be steadily decreasing the more you date. If you’ve been dating for a while and still find yourself wracked with guilt, odds are you’re not ready. Take a break and try again in a few months.

4. It’s okay to talk about the deceased wife – just don’t overdue it.

Unless you’re good friends or have known your date previously, she is going to be naturally curious about your wife and previous marriage. And it’s OK to talk about the wife when you’re first dating someone. Answer questions she may ask but don’t spend all your time talking about the dead. After all your date is the one that’s alive and breathing and with you now. Make sure you spend more time getting to know her. This will help alleviate some of the fears that woman have when dating a widower. If you and your date click and more dates are in the future, there will be more questions and more opportunities to talk about your previous relationship.

5. Your date is not a therapist

Would you like going out with someone who constantly talked about issues she was having in her life? Dating isn’t a therapy session; it’s an opportunity to spend time with someone else and enjoy their company. If you find yourself dating just to talk about issues or tough times you’re going though, seek professional help instead. Spending $60 an hour on professional help you much more than spending $60 for dinner and a movie.

6. It’s okay to make mistakes when you’re finding your dating legs

When I started dating again, it had been seven years since I had gone out with anyone other than my wife. Because I had a certain comfort level with my first wife, I often found myself forgetting proper dating etiquette such as opening the car door or not walking a date to her door when the date was over. (I made both these mistakes on my first date with Julie, who I later became my second wife.) If you find yourself forgetting simple things like that, don’t worry about it. Most dates would understand if they knew it had been awhile since you dated. But don’t make the same mistake over and over. Learn from them and continue moving forward. You’ll be surprised how fast your dating legs return.

7. Defend your date

You may discover when once the family and friends learn you’re dating again or become serious with another woman they don’t treat her well. The treatment may come in the form of a cold shoulder at family activities or constantly talking about the deceased wife in front of the date. If you have family and friends who are doing this, they need to be told privately, but in a loving manner, that this behavior is not acceptable. If you wouldn’t let family or friends treat your spouse that way, why would you tolerate that behavior toward someone else – especially when your date could become your future spouse.

8. Realize that not everyone will understand why you’re dating again

There will always be someone who will not understand why you’ve chosen to date again. For whatever reason this person will not be able to see the positive aspects of dating again. They may only be able to see you as with your dead spouse. You don’t need to justify your actions to them or anyone else. If you think explaining why you’ve chosen to take this step will help then by all means try. However, if you they are still unable to accept your decision, don’t let that stop you from dating. You don’t need to justify your actions to anyone.

9. There’s nothing wrong with taking things slow

As a widower, I found one of the things I really missed was physical contact with someone I loved. I missed the kissing, having someone’s head resting on my shoulder, or the warm body next to me in bed. If I went on a date that went even reasonably well, it took a lot of self control not to throw myself at the person.

After a few months of dating I found myself falling for one of my good friends. Because I missed the physical part of being with someone, I was willing to overlook a lot of red flags that under normal circumstances would have stopped me from pursing a relationship with this person. The results were disastrous. The relationship lasted less than two months and the breakup was painful for everyone involved.

Because there’s a lot of emotional issues that come with dating a widower (both for you and with the person you’re dating) there’s nothing wrong with taking one’s time to make sure a more serious relationship is the right thing to do. With Julie, it was months before I was able to get a kiss from her. Even though it took a long time for us to take the relationship to a more serious level, it was worth it. Not only were we both emotionally ready to take that step, we knew it was the right thing to do. Though at the time I would have liked things to move a little faster, looking back I’m glad we took our time. Knowing that we both felt becoming more serious was the right thing to do, made it easier for both of us.

10. Make your date feel like the center of the universe  

It’s a basic dating rule but it’s often forgotten by widowers. Because we already have someone special in our lives, sometimes we forget to make date feel special too. Treat your date in such a way she feels like she’s the center of your universe. She shouldn’t have to compete against a ghost, even if you only go out once with her. As long as she’s your date, she should be the center of your attention.

Even though dating can be awkward and difficult at times, it can also be a lot of fun. There’s no reason being a widower should hold you back from enjoying a night out. Life is meant to be lived and dating is a great way to start living again.

Enjoy what you read? Subscribe to Abel's e-mail updates and be the first to learn about upcoming books, essays, and appearances.

More widower-related articles by Abel Keogh

* Life with a Widower
* Dating Advice for (Young) Widowers
* Dating a Widower
* The Grief Industry
* Suicide Survivor
* A Letter to Elizabeth
* Sex and Intimacy with Widowers
* The Widowerhood Excuse
* How to Talk to a Widower
* Red Flags to Watch for When Dating A Widower