Dating a Widower, Second Edition, now available!
Chapter 6:
Sex and Intimacy with a Widower
Each person has their own views about sex and when it’s the right time to become intimate with another person. The purpose of this chapter is not to tell you when you should or shouldn’t sleep with a widower—that’s a personal decision you have to make. Rather, this chapter is about how widowed men think about and approach sex. This chapter will also provide some guidance if you want to avoid widowers who are just looking for casual hookups or a friends-with-benefits relationship.
Men and women think about sex differently. For example, back in Chapter 1, I discussed how men don’t equate sex with commitment. I won’t rehash that section here other than to say that women are more emotionally involved in a relationship when they have sex and tend to view sex as a way to up the commitment level. Men, on the other hand, tend to focus solely on the physical and pleasure aspects of sex. Even if you give a widower the best mind-blowing sex he’s ever had, that won’t make him love you more or take the relationship more seriously—it will just make him want more sex. The emotional attachment and commitment that come with sex will only happen after he’s opened his heart to you.
Knowing how widowers think about and approach sex is important because women often assume that widowers who were in loving relationships with their late wife will take sex more seriously than single or divorced men. In reality, widowers tend to be more emotionally confused and conflicted after they have sex with someone other than their late wife. This is especially true if they had a long, monogamous marriage.
For example, some widowers feel sexually liberated when they start dating again. Their goal isn’t to remarry or have a serious relationship, but to try to sleep with as many women as possible. Other widowers have a hard time performing in the bedroom because they feel guilty about sleeping with someone other than their late wife. Then there are widowers who have gone for years without sex with their late wife due to her illness or other factors. Often, these widowers are looking for someone to work out years of sexual frustration. There are widowers who don’t believe in having sex until marriage and will wait to tie the knot before becoming sexually active. And yes, there are even widowers who fall somewhere in between and will take the time to get to know you and wait until you’re both ready before becoming intimate.
So, how can you know if the widower is just using you for sex or is committed to a relationship with you? Here are three ways you can know his true feelings.
(Chapter continues after video)
1. Don’t Compromise Your Sexual Standards
Everyone has different ideas about when it’s appropriate to be sexually intimate with another person. Some don’t mind sleeping with someone on a first date, while others will wait until marriage. Most people fall somewhere in between. What’s important is that you know your standards and values regarding sex.
Throughout this book, I’ve talked about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries also apply to intimacy. Whatever your standards are, it’s important that you hold firm to them, because whether or not a widower respects this boundary is a great indicator of what he thinks of you and your relationship. A widower seeking a long-term relationship won’t pressure or force you to have sex before you’re ready. He may test your standards to see how serious you are about keeping them, but he won’t make you feel that you must have sex with him in order to move the relationship forward.
I have yet to talk with a woman who was glad she had sex with a widower before she was ready to do so. When the subject of sex comes up in a coaching session, it’s usually because the woman felt pressured into sex before she was ready to take that step. Instead of feeling wanted or respected, these women feel used and manipulated—feelings that are made worse once the widower ends the relationship.
Julianna and I waited until we were married to have sex, and it was a value we both shared. But even if my sexual standards were different from hers, I still would have respected and accepted her boundaries. I cared about her and wanted the relationship to turn into something wonderful. Had I not cared about Julianna or was just looking for companionship or someone to sleep with, I might have pressured her to compromise her sexual standards. Knowing Julianna, she wouldn’t have tolerated that behavior for very long and would have ended the relationship rather than giving in.
If you can’t define what your values and standards are when it comes to sexual intimacy, you need to figure them out and hold firm to them. Otherwise, you’re a prime target for widowers looking for short-term physical relationships who will dump you once they get bored.
2. Take Your Time Before Becoming Intimate
It’s okay to put off physical intimacy early in a relationship. In fact, the best way to sift out widowers who are looking for a fling is to take your time before having sex. The reason for this is simple: Widowers who are looking for a physical, short-term relationship won’t be able to wait. Because their main goal is to sleep with you, they’ll eventually become angry or frustrated when their sexual needs aren’t met. Most of them will be patient for a short period of time, but the more sexually frustrated they become, the faster their true motives and desires will emerge.
Never give in to widowers’ threats or demands for sex. If you feel pressured to have sex before you’re ready or they’re threatening to end the relationship unless you have sex, don’t give in! End the relationship immediately. Their true colors and motives are showing. Giving in to his demands won’t save the relationship or make him love you more. Once these widowers get whatever sexual fulfillment they want out of the relationship, they’ll end it. All you’ll have left is regret.
A widower who’s interested in opening his heart to someone else will want that woman to feel comfortable and good about herself when they finally decide to become sexually intimate. He’ll patiently wait until you’re ready to take this step—even if it means waiting until marriage, if that’s what you want.
Waiting to have sex also makes it easier to spot red flags. Becoming sexually intimate too quickly makes it easy to ignore the warning signs that he’s not ready to open his heart. For example, it’s easy to ignore the fact that he’s not introducing you to friends or family when the sex is good. Or it’s easy to rationalize away that he’s still wearing a wedding ring or her photo is still in their bedroom when you think the physical intimacy means he cares about you.
By waiting to become intimate until we were married, Julianna was able to work through all the major widower-related concerns she had. She felt confident that I was ready to start a new chapter in my life with her. Waiting also gave me time to make sure I was ready to open my heart to her and put my life and marriage to Krista in a special place. That way, when we were ready to become physically intimate, we were both comfortable and confident with each other and the decision we made.
It’s a decision neither of us regret.
3. The Late Wife Shouldn’t Be in the Bedroom
When you finally decide to become intimate with a widower, one thing that shouldn’t be around are images or reminders of the late wife. I bring this up because it seems like when women do become intimate with a widower, it’s often in the same bed and the same room he and the late wife shared. While some women are okay with that, make sure photos of the late wife or her personal things aren’t around. There’s nothing worse than sharing an intimate moment with a widower, then spotting a photo of the late wife staring back at you, seeing her toiletries in the bathroom, or finding her clothes in the closet. Unless you’re into threesomes, you need to talk to the widower about making his bedroom a place where you can feel comfortable.
For those who think asking the widower to remove his late wife’s presence from the bedroom is a step too far, I have yet to coach a woman who enjoyed making love to a widower while the late wife looked on from the nightstand. His late wife didn’t have to sleep with him while a photograph of his past girlfriend or ex-wife hung on the wall. Why should you be treated differently? If he’s ready to open his heart, making you feel comfortable in the places where the two of you spend intimate moments shouldn’t be a big deal.
Even though Julianna and I were married and living in a new apartment by the time we became intimate, she made it known that she had no desire to do anything in the same bed Krista and I shared. She wanted the bed and our bedroom to be something that was special to the two of us. The practical side of me was a little miffed, as there was nothing wrong with the bed from my marriage with Krista. Besides, Julie and I were young and poor. A new mattress was a big expense. Still, I knew that having a new bed was important to her and our marriage. When we returned from our honeymoon, the first thing we did was go out and buy a brand-new bed and mattress that served us well for many years.
Never settle for second place in the bedroom. If you do, don’t be surprised when the widower treats you like second place elsewhere in his life. Widowers who want the sex between you to be special will wait until you’re ready, then make whatever room you share a place where you will be comfortable. Whether that means clearing out all her things, replacing the mattress, or painting the walls, widowers who are ready to open their hearts will do what it takes to make these moments something you’ll look forward to instead of regret.
In a relationship with a widower? These books can help!
