Running Mount Crumpit, Year 2

Yesterday, I participated in the annual Mount Crumpit run for the second time. For those who don't know, Mount Crumpit, the home of the Grinch, is 3,000 feet above Whoville. This run takes participants to the top of the mountain, 3,000 feet above the valley floor.

My time this year was 24 minutes faster than last year, likely because we weren't running in a blizzard. The sunny weather made the view of Whoville from the top much more enjoyable.

This year’s stats:

  • Distance: 10.18 miles

  • Elevation gain: 3,081 feet (939 meters)

  • Time: 2:22:58 (24 minutes faster than last year)

  • Total Steps: 21,563

Looking forward to another run next year!

You Can’t Save or Fix a Widower (Or the Story of David and Emily)

Though it may be tempting, you can't save or fix a widower. I explain why through the story of David and Emily.

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Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I'm going to explain why you can't save or fix a widower. We're going to start with a common romantic storyline that might be familiar to many of you, and this is how it goes. I call it the story of David and Emily.

David is a widower who lost his wife to a long illness two years ago. He is still in deep grief and struggling to move on while clinging to the memories of his late wife, Sarah. David keeps to himself, avoiding social interactions and focusing only on work. His family and friends encourage him to move on, but he remains emotionally closed off, unsure how to open his heart again. Then, usually by happenstance, a woman named Emily runs into him at work or is introduced to him by friends or family. Maybe she's a coworker or someone David already knows. Whatever the case, Emily is warm, patient, and full of life, with that quiet strength that draws people to her. Emily's genuine kindness and openness to others spark something in David, though he initially resists his growing feelings.

David and Emily keep running into each other, and Emily's warmth slowly chips away at David's emotional walls. Emily shares her own story of recent heartache, showing him that she understands his pain and loss. They become friends. Despite his inner conflict and the fear of letting go of the past, David wants to experience love and happiness again. Soon, David begins to see Emily as more than just a friend. David reaches a breaking point on his late wife's death anniversary, which forces him to confront his grief head-on. He pulls away from Emily, feeling unworthy of love and fearing he will betray his late wife's memory. Emily, understanding as always, gives him space but her patience shows David that love doesn't diminish over time.

In the heartwarming conclusion of our story, David returns to Emily, apologizing for his earlier retreat and confessing his love for her. The two embrace their new future together, understanding that love is a journey of healing and growth. The story ends with David and Emily starting a new chapter of their lives, knowing that love can blossom even after loss.

Now, while stories like David and Emily’s are the foundation for romance books and Hallmark movies, the problem with this plot is that it's utterly detached from reality. In the real world, the story of David and Emily would go something like this: David is still deep in grief two years after the death of his wife, Sarah. He is consumed by the memories of their life together, trying to hold on to the past while struggling with the overwhelming feeling that he will never love again. He goes through daily life but emotionally checks out. Despite the well-meaning encouragement of his friends and family, David isn't ready to move on. The idea of dating again feels like a betrayal to Sarah's memory, and he's not interested in opening himself up to anyone.

Enter Emily, the warm and patient woman who's looking for a fresh start after a difficult breakup. When she meets David, she sees through his stony exterior, noticing the sadness behind his eyes and feeling the deep desire to help him heal. She believes that she can break down the walls he's built around his heart with her patience and kindness. David initially resists her warmth, unsure how to handle Emily's openness, but over time, Emily's gentle persistence wears him down and they begin spending more time together. At first, it's casual—coffee dates, walks around town, moments of shared laughter. David enjoys her company, and for a fleeting moment, he wonders if there might be a chance for something new. He agrees to go on a few more dates, thinking that perhaps he could try to move on, but deep down, he's not truly ready. Every time Emily shows affection or speaks about a future together, David's heart recoils, overwhelmed by the memory of Sarah. Still, he agrees to a relationship because he enjoys Emily's company, and let's face it, it's better than being alone.

As the months pass, Emily grows increasingly frustrated at David's lack of progress in opening his heart. She’s been patient and understanding, knowing that David needs time, but the longer they’re together, the clearer it becomes that David’s heart is still locked in the past. He continues to push her away emotionally, unable or unwilling to fully open up to her. Emily watches as David remains emotionally distant, unable to share the love she feels for him. She starts to realize that despite her best efforts, David isn't ready for a relationship—at least not with her, anyway. Maybe not with anyone.

After two years of waiting for David to heal, Emily makes the difficult decision to walk away. Though heartbroken, she gains clarity, realizing that it's time to find someone who can fully be present with her. Meanwhile, David remains trapped in his memories, uncertain if he'll ever move on. Emily accepts the painful truth that love alone can't fix what's broken. She leaves, sad and frustrated, knowing that her love couldn’t heal someone who wasn't ready to heal himself.

Unfortunately, the second version of the story is far more common and realistic than the first. In fact, it's a story I hear daily from clients who have spent months or even years of their lives trying to heal a heart that's not ready to be mended. They’ve showered their widowed partner with patience and love, only to end up with broken dreams and shattered hearts themselves. The reality is, you can’t save or fix a widower. No amount of love, patience, or effort will make a difference unless the widower wants to move forward and open his heart again. He’s the only one who can save himself. You might inspire him to take steps toward opening his heart, but you can’t do it for him.

A good way to look at this is like running a marathon. You can be there at the starting line to cheer him on. You can be there at aid stations, giving him something to drink and offering encouraging words at mile markers along the way. You can even be there at the finish line to give him a hug when the race is over. But you can’t run the race for him. That’s only something the widower can do. And a widower won’t run the race, so to speak, unless he has a reason and the motivation to run it.

So some of you are asking: what can you do to incentivize or encourage a widower to open his heart? Here are three things. The first is to expect the same behavior from him as you would a single or divorced man. Don’t keep silent when he says something that makes you uncomfortable; speak up. The second thing is to set healthy boundaries by letting him know how his words, actions, or lack thereof are unacceptable, and that you need to be number one in his heart. The third is to not be afraid to walk away if he’s not making progress. Waiting around forever for a widower to change usually doesn’t yield good results. Sometimes, widowers need to feel that they’ve lost you in order to evaluate their life and decisions.

Do these three things, and you'll give the widower all the motivation and incentive he needs to open his heart—if he’s ready to do it. If you do these things and he can’t move forward with you, he’s not ready.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, which, by the way, is a great resource if you want to know if the widower you’re dating is ready for a serious relationship. Check out the book, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

Frustrating Widower Quirks

What do you do about a widower who's stuck in his ways? Relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Transcript of video follows:

Hi, it's Wednesday and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I want to share a situation posted on the Dating a Widower Facebook group because it illustrates issues you face no matter who you're dating, whether they're widowed or not. Yes, I'm sharing this post with the person's permission.

Now, this person wrote: "My widower boyfriend is older and set in his ways. When I go to his house, he usually cooks a meal and I start doing the dishes. He doesn't want me to do the dishes because he dislikes how anyone else does them. That's the same way with the stove top. Yesterday, he offered to let me cook something, but I declined because he'd season it the way he wanted anyway. I understand this isn't a widower situation, but I want to know who has to be more flexible, him or me?"

The reason I love this question is because once you work through these widower issues, you're going to find out that the person you're dating, whether widow or widower, has quirks. This isn't unique to widows or widowers—everyone has quirks. Even everybody watching this, we all have quirks. One of the reasons you date is to get to know people's quirks and decide if this is something you can live with or not.

In answer to the question about who needs to be more flexible, it sounds like the widower likes cooking and enjoys his kitchen a certain way. So, what you need to decide is if his cooking and kitchen quirks are a deal breaker or not. If cooking and kitchen things are something you enjoy, then this might be something that stops the relationship from moving forward. But if he's a good cook and you're okay with taking a step back, at least in the kitchen, I would say sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever he creates. Be grateful that you don't have to clean up afterwards. For me personally, that's the worst part of cooking—cleaning up.

Now, I know some of you are watching and wondering if the widower should at least change or let his girlfriend help out. I'm honestly not opposed to asking what she can do to help or seeing if he'll consider a change like she's done. But, you know, if nothing's going to change, then just back off and understand that there are some battles worth fighting, such as asking the widow or widower to make you number one in his heart or standing up to his children. But there are other battles, such as these quirks, that aren't really worth fighting over. That's why I think it's best to take a step back in this case and just decide if you can live with it.

It's also good to recognize that we all have our own quirks and there are things we want to do ourselves and have done a certain way. For example, when Juliana and I were first married, she wanted to make my lunches every day, every morning before I went to work. But this was something I wanted to do myself. There was nothing wrong with the lunches she made, and I knew she was doing it because she loved me, but one of my quirks is that I just want to pack my own lunch. I can't tell you why this is, but it's just something I really want to do. Eventually, Juliana realized this wasn't a battle worth fighting and she let me take care of it. We're living happily ever after because of it.

For the rest of you, maybe ask yourself if you've reached a point in your relationship where you know your widow's or widower's quirks. If not, maybe start paying attention because some quirks may be deal breakers. Oftentimes, quirks aren't usually grief-related, but sometimes they are. You just have to pay attention to those and hopefully, they're not deal breakers. If they're not, I hope that you can either enjoy them or at the very least tolerate those things that make that individual unique.

If you feel like it, why don't you go ahead and list the quirks of the widows and widowers you're dating in the comments below, or list your own quirks and let us know how you and your partner dealt with them and how you solved this problem. I think it'd be good for a lot of people to read that.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Don't forget to subscribe to this channel or schedule a coaching session. I will see you all next Wednesday.