Are you dating a widow or widower and starting to wonder if they’re really in it for the right reasons? In this video, Abel Keogh, widower relationship coach and author of Dating a Widower, shares 7 unmistakable signs that you’re being used. Learn what to look for, what to do about it, and how to stop wasting time on someone who isn’t ready to commit.
Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, and today we’re talking about something a lot of men and women who are dating widows and widowers secretly worry about: Are you being used?
This topic comes from a viewer who asked, “Abel, what are the signs that a widower is using me?” It’s a great question—and one I’ve heard many times. Because when you’re dating a widow or widower, especially one who hasn’t fully healed, there’s a real risk that you’re not in a mutual, committed relationship… but just filling a void.
So in this video, I’m going to walk you through seven signs that might mean you're being used by a widow or widower. If any of these hit close to home, don’t ignore them. Your next step is to talk to the widower about what you’re seeing and how it makes you feel. If he’s willing to make changes, great. If not, it's time to move on.
Let’s get into it.
The first that a widow or widower may be using you is that you feel like you’re competing with a ghost
If they constantly brings up the late spouse like how he or she handled things, how he or she made them feel, or how perfect he or she was. They’re stuck in the past, and you’re just along for the ride.
Instead of focusing on building a future with you, they’re emotionally anchored to their previous life. If you feel like you’re constantly being compared to someone who’s no longer here—and coming up short—it’s a strong sign that you’re not being seen as a full, independent partner. You’re just a stand-in.
That’s not love. That’s emotional baggage.
The second sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that they’re not willing to build new memories or traditions with you
Everything still revolves around the late spouse. Their house hasn’t changed much, they vacations in the same places, celebrates holidays exactly the way they did when the late spouse was alive—and when you suggest doing something different, they either brushes it off or flat-out refuses.
The truth is, if they’re not willing to create new memories or build a life with you, they don’t want a real relationship. They just wants you to step into the one they already had. They’re not building anything with you—they’re just plugging you into a life that hasn’t moved on.
The third sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that they only want a physical connection or practical companionship.
You’re always available when they needs comfort, someone to talk to, help around the house, or sex. But when you need emotional support, or even just a genuine effort from them? Crickets.
The relationship starts to feel one-sided. You give and give, but there’s very little coming back your way. If it feels like you’re being emotionally drained while they’re getting everything they want, you’re not in a relationship—you’re being used as a support system.
The fourth sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that you’re kept separate from his family and friends.
You’ve been dating for a while, maybe even months or longer, but you’re still not meeting their friends, kids, or the important people in their life. Or if you have met them, it’s casual, surface-level, and you’re clearly being kept at a distance.
If a widow or widower is serious about you, they’ll want to integrate you into their world. But if you’re being hidden, sidelined, or treated like some secret—especially when they had no trouble introducing people to his late spouse—that’s a sign you’re not being treated as a real partner.
You’re not in their life. You’re just next to it.
The fifth sign that a widow or widower is using you is that they use grief to manipulate you.
Any time you bring up your needs, boundaries, or feelings, they turns the conversation back to their pain. They uses grief as a shield—to avoid accountability, to shut down difficult conversations, or to make you feel guilty for asking for more.
Look, grief is real. But it’s not a free pass to treat someone poorly. If they’re using his loss to justify emotional neglect or disrespect, they’re not in a place to love someone else. And if they’re not working through that grief in a healthy way, odds are high you’re being used to avoid it.
The sixth sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that they won’t talk about the future
Whenever the topic of moving in, marriage, or even long-term plans comes up, they shut it down by saying something like “now’s not the right time,” or “Let’s just see where this goes.”
Translation? They’re not planning a future with you. And if a widow or widower can’t imagine you in his future—or avoids every opportunity to talk about it—it’s because they haven’t put you there.
You might be meeting their present-day needs, but they’re not investing in a life together. That’s not love. That’s convenience.
The seventh that a widow or widower is using you is that you’re not treated as an equal partner.
You’re the one who’s constantly adjusting—your schedule, your expectations, your emotional needs—all to keep the relationship going. You’re the one who’s compromising, accommodating, and doing all the work.
Meanwhile, their needs come first. Their grief comes first. Their comfort comes first. And over time, you start to feel more like a caretaker than a partner.
A real relationship is mutual. If you’re always bending while they stand still, then yes—you’re being taken advantage of.
Those are the 7 signs. If you recognize one—or more—of these signs in your relationship, don’t ignore them. Bring it up. Talk it through. And see what they do with that conversation.
If they takes responsibility and starts making changes, you’ve got something to work with. But if they gets defensive, dismissive, or nothing changes... it’s time to walk away.
You deserve someone who’s all in. Someone who’s not stuck in the past, not using grief as a crutch, and not just looking for someone to fill a void.
I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. If you’ve seen other signs of being used by a widower, drop them in the comments—I’d love to hear your perspective. And I’ll see you next Wednesday with more advice on navigating relationships with widows and widowers.
