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Love Across Decades: Must-Knows Before Making a Big Age Gap Commitment.

Wondering if a big age gap relationship can work long-term? In this video, we dive into a viewer’s question: What should a 45-year-old woman consider before committing to a 63-year-old partner (18-year gap)? From lifestyle differences to future planning, we cover the essential factors to weigh for a lasting romance across decades. Watch now for practical insights—share your thoughts in the comments!

Hi, it’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Today, we’re answering a question about large age gaps in relationships. This comes from a viewer who wrote: “There is an 18-year age gap between me and my widower. I’m 45, and he is 63. What challenges should we think about as we move forward, and from your coaching sessions, do these relationships have a chance of working out?” These are great questions, and I’m glad you’re thinking ahead about some of the age-related issues you might experience in addition to the widower-related ones.

If you want these relationships to work, you need to consider the long-term implications of being with someone with a 20-year age gap before committing. Every relationship is different, but I think there are five key factors to consider. The first is different life stages and long-term compatibility. At 45 and 63, you’re likely in different life stages. You might have years of career growth, travel adventures, or minor kids still living at home, while he may be thinking about retirement, slowing down, or even health concerns. Ask yourself: Do your long-term goals align? Are you okay with the possibility of becoming a caregiver sooner rather than later? As the age gap stretches into the 70s and 80s, health concerns often become more prominent. How do you both envision the next 10 to 20 years? What is your life like now, and do you see that aligning?

The second factor is energy levels, activities, and lifestyle. What are your energy level and lifestyle like right now? Does he match it? In your 40s and his 60s, he might be able to keep up, but what about in the next 10 to 20 years? What do you both enjoy doing in your free time, and can you continue doing those things as he gets older? The age gap will become more noticeable, especially when it comes to energy levels and interests. Are you going to be satisfied if his energy decreases or if his physical or mental abilities decline, limiting the activities you enjoy now? These differences don’t have to be deal-breakers, but you need to acknowledge and think about them.

The third factor is work, retirement, and finances. At 63, I assume he’s nearing or already in retirement. What’s his financial situation? Is he financially independent? What’s his retirement income like? Are there expectations that you’ll contribute more as he ages, especially if you’re still working while he’s retired? How does that dynamic affect your lifestyle if he’s at home all day and you’re working a 9-to-5 job? You need to have conversations about money, estate planning, and long-term financial security. Since he’s likely to pass away before you, what are the plans? Does he have kids, and how does that factor in? Every situation is individual, but these are things to consider.

The fourth factor is intimacy and physical changes. A 20-year age difference means physical aging will impact the relationship, especially as he gets older. Health issues, sexual function changes, and shifts in energy levels can all affect intimacy. Is he open to discussing these things? What are you willing to accept or not accept? Is physical connection an important part of your relationship? Consider how these factors might evolve not just in the next one, two, or three years, but 5 to 10 years down the road.

The fifth and biggest factor is end-of-life considerations. This isn’t the most romantic topic, but it’s an important one. If you’re committing your long-term future to someone 20 years older, you have to face the reality that he’s likely to die before you. You could be widowed in your 50s or 60s. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s a reality compared to a relationship with someone your own age. Are you prepared emotionally and practically for the possibility of becoming widowed or a long-term caregiver? What are his wishes regarding living arrangements and long-term care? There’s no right or wrong answer, but are you thinking through the worst-case scenario? Are you okay with it? Is he okay with it? Are you on the same page?

Now, your real question is: What are the odds of this relationship working out? The answer is yes, it can work. What matters isn’t the age gap itself but how well you navigate the challenges it brings. If you can both communicate about these issues, respect each other’s life experiences and differences, and have common ground on the things that matter most, the relationship has a strong foundation. But if you find yourself making too many compromises or ignoring red flags, it’s worth reevaluating whether this will truly bring you long-term happiness, especially 10 to 20 years ahead.

Instead of asking, “Can this work?” ask yourself, “Is this the life I want?” If you’re comfortable with the realities of dating someone nearly 20 years older and see a future that excites you, then age is just a number. But if these differences feel like obstacles rather than adjustments, it’s okay to acknowledge that love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship sustainable. In the relationships I’ve seen that work, they have a long-term view and are aligned on it. They’re okay with the possible challenges. If you’re in your 50s and he’s in his 70s, are you okay with being a long-term caregiver? If you’re widowed in your 60s, are you prepared for that? If you can take that long-term view and agree this is the life you want for the next 10, 20, or 25 years, then go for it. If not, be honest with yourself—maybe the age gap is too much to overcome.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Leave your stories and comments about large age gaps below, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

How Can Widows and Widowers Overcome Their Fear of Loss?

A viewer asks, “My widower boyfriend is afraid that he will lose me like he did his late wife. How can he get over this fear?” The video below has the answer.

Hi, it’s Wednesday and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re answering a question from a viewer who writes: “My widower boyfriend is afraid that he will lose me like he did his late wife. How can he get over this fear?”

I love this question! Thank you for asking it because it’s one that come up regularly in coaching sessions. So, let’s get started.

We all know that loss is an inevitable part of life, whether it comes from death, breakups, or unforeseen circumstances. Widows and widowers know better than anyone that when you open you heart to someone, you run the risk that the relationship will end at some point. Love always carries the risk of loss—but that risk is what makes love meaningful. If we let fear dictate our choices, we don’t actually protect ourselves; we only prevent ourselves from experiencing deep, fulfilling relationships.

Psychological research supports the idea. Studies on attachment theory and grief recovery show that people who allow themselves to form new emotional bonds, rather than avoiding them out of fear, tend to have better long-term well-being. They’ve shown that avoiding emotional connections due to fear of loss can actually increase stress and anxiety, whereas forming new, secure relationships helps people heal and build resilience. Other studies have shown that people who embrace life after loss—rather than shutting themselves off—often develop a greater appreciation for love and relationships, leading to deeper emotional fulfillment.

But the solution isn’t to withdraw or hold back—it’s to embrace love fully despite the uncertainty. The strength to love again doesn’t come from guarantees; it comes from the courage to accept the unknown and choose connection anyway. Love, at its core, is an act of vulnerability. It requires us to open our hearts, knowing full well that doing so means we could get hurt. But it’s also the only way to truly live and experience the depth of human connection.

For example: When I fell in love with Julianna there was a very real fear that our marriage might end due to her dying at some point. Yes, I was worried about that. When Julianna was pregnant with our children, did I worry that something might happen to them and that I’d lose another child. Yes, that fear was very real and even stronger than the fear of losing her. But I didn’t let my fears stop me from moving forward. If anything, I am by more appreciative of my 22-year marriage to Julianna and our 7 children than I would have been if I hadn’t lost my late wife Krista and our daughter Hope.

So for those widows and widowers who want to open their hearts but are struggling with the fear of loss, let me suggest a change of mindset. The question to ask yourself isn’t, What if I lose this person?—it’s What kind of life do I want to live? A life dictated by fear will always be small and unfulfilling. A life guided by love, on the other hand, will be rich and meaningful, regardless of what the future holds. Every great love story, past and present, is built on the willingness to embrace uncertainty. Holding back out of fear won’t prevent loss; it will only prevent love. And in the end, the greatest tragedy isn’t losing someone—it’s never allowing yourself to love fully in the first place.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

NEW BOOK: From First Date to Soulmate: Finding True Love in the Age of Narcissism, Addictions, and Hooking Up

My latest relationship guide is now available. Perfect for those looking to finding someone they can happily spend the rest of their lives with. More information below.

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From First Date to Soulmate is more than just a book—it's your practical guide to finding and maintaining a fulfilling and enduring relationship. Whether you're starting fresh or seeking to deepen an existing relationship, this book will provide the tools and inspiration to find and keep the love of your life.

Life After Loss or How to Live Again After the Death of a Spouse

When you lose a spouse, you often lose friends and connections that once filled your life with joy. You may find that couples you used to spend time with have drifted away, or that close friends are now distant. It’s not just friendships that suffer; relationships with family members, neighbors, and coworkers can also change for the worse. How does one best deal with this change? Relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Life After Loss or How to Live Again After the Death of a Spouse

It’s Wednesday and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we’re addressing the subject of life after loss. This comes from a heartbreaking comment that was left on one of my YouTube videos by a recent widower. He writes:

“What if you don’t have any friends that want to have you over? What if you have friends who are just superficial they say hi to you and passing and that’s it. What if even your own children don’t call you on Christmas or they don’t even bother to check on you even during the year you know they just call every periodically. And what if you’re widowed. And you live in a building full of other people who are just about as miserable as they can get. Especially older people. When my wife was alive she decorated she cooked. She had me pass out candy to the neighbors. She had me doing all kinds of things. She brightened the holidays and now I don’t have anyone to show that stuff with anymore. And sometimes you think people are your friends. And they’re always about them and never about you. I’ve even had people. Tell me you need to forget about your wife who passed away what kind of a friendship is that. Well, I do know it’s only my faith and God is keeping me going.”

To the widower who shared this, I want you to know that I truly empathize with you. Your words highlight a painful reality: when you lose a spouse, you often lose friends and connections that once filled your life with joy. You may find that couples you used to spend time with have drifted away, or that close friends are now distant. It’s not just friendships that suffer; relationships with family members, neighbors, and coworkers can also change for the worse.

There are many reasons for this shift. Some friends might feel uncomfortable navigating the new dynamics of your life, while others may not know how to support you and choose to pull away. Sometimes, the bereaved person struggles to move forward, which can create a barrier to social interactions. I can’t speak to the specifics of your situation, but I do know that you have a choice in how you respond to this loss: you can either take action or let life pass you by.

This means being proactive about changing your circumstances. If your friends aren’t reaching out, don’t hesitate to contact them. If that’s not an option, look for meetup groups that align with your interests or consider joining a civic or religious organization that provide opportunities to socialize. If you live in a building with others who might be feeling the same way, invite them over for a get-to-know-you lunch or another activity. Emulate what your wife did—spread joy by passing out treats to neighbors or doing something kind for those around you.

In short, be the change you want to see. Reach out to old friends, and if they’re unresponsive, seek out new friendships by connecting with people who share your interests. Also, take the initiative to bring joy to others in similar situations as yours. You understand how they feel, so small acts of kindness can make a big difference for everyone involved. Even if it takes time to see the results, simply getting out of the house and shaking up your routine can greatly enhance your mental and emotional well-being.

Being widowed is undeniably tough, but it also presents an opportunity to start a new chapter, forge new friendships, and create fresh memories. Instead of relying on others for happiness, take charge of your own life and focus on making both yourself and those around you better off for having known you.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. If you found this video helpful, please like and subscribe. You can also schedule a coaching session through the link in the description below. I’ll see you all next Wednesday!