Don't Put Your Life on Hold for a Widow or Widower

Should you put your life on hold for a widow or widower who's not ready to open their heart? Relationship coach and widow(er) expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Transcript follows:

Hi, it’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re going to discuss if you should keep in touch with a widow or widower who’s not ready for a relationship.

I’ll often get questions from those who are dating or want to date widows and widowers who know they’re not ready for a relationship. For example the widow or widower could still be grieving, have survivors guilt, or some other life issue that makes them incapable of a romantic relationship and, thankfully, the widow or widower is honest enough to admit that now is not a good time for a relationship.

The question I get is should they stay connected in the hopes that the widow or widower gets their act together to the point where they can open their heart. The short answer is NO.

We have these fantasies that the widow or widower will eventually come around and be ready for a relationship—after all that’s what is often sold to us in movies and books about widows and widowers. And while many of widows and widowers do reach a point where they can open their heart again, the mistake I see those who want a relationship with the widow or widower make is that they often put their life on hold waiting for that magical moment to happen.

Never put your life on hold for someone who’s not ready to open their heart because there’s no telling how long it will take them to open it or if it will ever happen. The last thing you want to do is waste years of your life waiting for someone who can never give you the relationship you want. The best thing you can do is give them space to work through their issues and tell them to reach out once they’re ready to open their hearts. Widows and widowers need a reason to open their heart again and you can do that by creating an environment where they have the chance to miss you. If that’s not an incentive enough for them to do the work necessary to open their heart, then nothing else will work.

While they’re figuring things out, continue to live your life which, yes, includes dating other people.  After all, you have a life to live and you shouldn’t put yours on hold just because someone else isn’t ready for a relationship. Life is for the living and is to be lived, we are to act and not be acted upon. Don’t let others hold you back from living your life.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, if you want to talk about your relationship, schedule a coaching session in the link in the description below. Like this video, leave a comment, and don’t forget to subscribe, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

Selfish Grief

Sometimes grief can become very self-centered. When that happens a person can have a hard time maintaining relationships. In this video, I discuss the signs of selfish grief, what one can do to look outward, and what those who are dating a widow/widower who are enmeshed in their own grief should do.

Living with My Husband’s Dead Wife

I respond to an insightful essay by the wife of a widower who helped keep the memory of the late wife alive only to realize that her behavior was a mistake. Read the essay here.

Transcript

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re going to discuss an essay written by the wife of a widower who describes her experience of helping to keep the memory of the late wife alive. Now, full disclosure, I know the author and she helped edit one of my books, The Wife in the Next Life. Now, the reason I’m sharing this essay is that she provides great insight on what not to do when becoming involved with a widower when it comes to keeping the memory of the late wife alive.

Usually, it’s the widower that wants to keep the memory of the late wife alive through shrines, yearly memorial services, telling stories, and photograph. However, sometimes the girlfriend or wife of a widowers does things to keep the flame burning. In this article, just a few of the author did included

  • Indulged the widower’s parents (who adored the late wife) in conversations about her.

  • Helped celebrate her birthday

  • Scatter the late wife’s dogs ashes at her grave

  • Wore her belt for many years

Now before you pile on the author for doing these things, this type of activity is actually more common than people think. When I talk to clients who are dating or married to a widower, I often hear how their empathy and/or guilt makes them feel like they have obligations to help keep the flame of the late wife burning especially if there are young children in the mix.

The truth is you’re under no, and I repeat, NO obligation to keep the memory of the late wife alive or indulge in any activity that does this. Your focus should be on the present, the future, and how to, along with the widower, build a strong relationship that will last forever and this essay artfully illustrates the downsides of trying to keep the memory of the late wife alive.

The good news is that the writer learned her lesson and the key takeaway in this essay is the following line: “Maybe the greatest act of love — for me, for Brandon, even for [his late wife] Sherise  — I realized, is to let the dead rest in peace. To live in the moment without compromise or apology.”

If you want to read this insightful essay, and I encourage you to do so, there’s a link in the video description below. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

Do Widowers Need Therapy?

Many women are dating widowers who refuse to see a therapist. Is it a red flag? In this video Relationship Coach provides guidance so widowers can decide if therapy is right them, if they need to see a therapist, and what alternatives are out there if they decide therapy isn't right for them.

Went to the dark place...

Went to the dark place, pushed through the pain, and completed the Timp Half Marathon in 1:41:09 (7:43 per mile pace).

And, yes, would run it again.