Help! My Heart and Mind are Hijacked by the Widower's Past Life

How do you get over things you've heard, such as stories about the widower and his late wife, and seen, such as happy photos of them together. that you can never unhear or unsee? Relationship coach Abel Keogh, has the answer.

Transcript follows:

Hi, it’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re going to answer a question from a viewer that asks:

“How do you get over things you've heard, such as stories about the widower and his late wife, and seen, such as happy photos of them together. that you can never unhear or unsee?! All going so well, together but I'm just completely hijacked by memories. What’s the best way to deal with this?”

Great question and I’m sharing this with the person’s permission. I’m going to answer this in two parts. The first part is this why I caution those who are dating widows or widowers to be careful about how much they learn about the late husband or late wife. Yes, you need to know somethings in order to better understand the widow or widower you’re dating but you can go to far and see photos or hear stories that make you think that the widow or widower would be happier with their late spouse or that you’ll never be able to have the wonderful relationship that they shared. So be cautious about how much information you ask for because you can’t unsee or unhear things.

Now, if you have seen or heard things that you wish you hadn’t, the best way to overcome this is to make new memories with the widow or widower you’re dating. Find things to do and places to go that will build new memories together. As you build a new life and enjoy new experiences, these new memories will eventually put the ones you wish you hadn’t seen or heard to bed.

Triggers happen and there’s not much you can do about being triggered. Widows and widowers are also triggered constantly about memories of their late spouse and we expect them to deal with those memories in a healthy way, we too should find healthy ways to overcome flashbacks to things we wish we hadn’t seen or heard. It could be something like going for a walk to clear your head or recalling something loving that the widow or widower recently said. You might have to try different things until you figure out what works for you. But what’s most important is instead of dwelling on things you can’t control, find a way to focus on the positive things and blessings in your life. You’ll be happier and your relationship with a widow or widower will be better off as a result.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, if you want to talk about your relationship, schedule a coaching session in the link in the description below. Like this video, leave a comment, and don’t forget to subscribe, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

Don't Put Your Life on Hold for a Widow or Widower

Should you put your life on hold for a widow or widower who's not ready to open their heart? Relationship coach and widow(er) expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Transcript follows:

Hi, it’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re going to discuss if you should keep in touch with a widow or widower who’s not ready for a relationship.

I’ll often get questions from those who are dating or want to date widows and widowers who know they’re not ready for a relationship. For example the widow or widower could still be grieving, have survivors guilt, or some other life issue that makes them incapable of a romantic relationship and, thankfully, the widow or widower is honest enough to admit that now is not a good time for a relationship.

The question I get is should they stay connected in the hopes that the widow or widower gets their act together to the point where they can open their heart. The short answer is NO.

We have these fantasies that the widow or widower will eventually come around and be ready for a relationship—after all that’s what is often sold to us in movies and books about widows and widowers. And while many of widows and widowers do reach a point where they can open their heart again, the mistake I see those who want a relationship with the widow or widower make is that they often put their life on hold waiting for that magical moment to happen.

Never put your life on hold for someone who’s not ready to open their heart because there’s no telling how long it will take them to open it or if it will ever happen. The last thing you want to do is waste years of your life waiting for someone who can never give you the relationship you want. The best thing you can do is give them space to work through their issues and tell them to reach out once they’re ready to open their hearts. Widows and widowers need a reason to open their heart again and you can do that by creating an environment where they have the chance to miss you. If that’s not an incentive enough for them to do the work necessary to open their heart, then nothing else will work.

While they’re figuring things out, continue to live your life which, yes, includes dating other people.  After all, you have a life to live and you shouldn’t put yours on hold just because someone else isn’t ready for a relationship. Life is for the living and is to be lived, we are to act and not be acted upon. Don’t let others hold you back from living your life.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, if you want to talk about your relationship, schedule a coaching session in the link in the description below. Like this video, leave a comment, and don’t forget to subscribe, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

Selfish Grief

Sometimes grief can become very self-centered. When that happens a person can have a hard time maintaining relationships. In this video, I discuss the signs of selfish grief, what one can do to look outward, and what those who are dating a widow/widower who are enmeshed in their own grief should do.

Living with My Husband’s Dead Wife

I respond to an insightful essay by the wife of a widower who helped keep the memory of the late wife alive only to realize that her behavior was a mistake. Read the essay here.

Transcript

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re going to discuss an essay written by the wife of a widower who describes her experience of helping to keep the memory of the late wife alive. Now, full disclosure, I know the author and she helped edit one of my books, The Wife in the Next Life. Now, the reason I’m sharing this essay is that she provides great insight on what not to do when becoming involved with a widower when it comes to keeping the memory of the late wife alive.

Usually, it’s the widower that wants to keep the memory of the late wife alive through shrines, yearly memorial services, telling stories, and photograph. However, sometimes the girlfriend or wife of a widowers does things to keep the flame burning. In this article, just a few of the author did included

  • Indulged the widower’s parents (who adored the late wife) in conversations about her.

  • Helped celebrate her birthday

  • Scatter the late wife’s dogs ashes at her grave

  • Wore her belt for many years

Now before you pile on the author for doing these things, this type of activity is actually more common than people think. When I talk to clients who are dating or married to a widower, I often hear how their empathy and/or guilt makes them feel like they have obligations to help keep the flame of the late wife burning especially if there are young children in the mix.

The truth is you’re under no, and I repeat, NO obligation to keep the memory of the late wife alive or indulge in any activity that does this. Your focus should be on the present, the future, and how to, along with the widower, build a strong relationship that will last forever and this essay artfully illustrates the downsides of trying to keep the memory of the late wife alive.

The good news is that the writer learned her lesson and the key takeaway in this essay is the following line: “Maybe the greatest act of love — for me, for Brandon, even for [his late wife] Sherise  — I realized, is to let the dead rest in peace. To live in the moment without compromise or apology.”

If you want to read this insightful essay, and I encourage you to do so, there’s a link in the video description below. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.