If he doesn’t have your back, he’s not worth it.

“If he doesn’t have your back, he’s not worth it.” — Abel Keogh, Relationship Coach

Don't Confuse Dating and Therapy

Your date is not your therapist. Dating is not therapy.

What it's like dating a widow or widower

What’s it like dating a widow or widower? For many of my clients, this image of the dead coming between the living sums it up perfectly. Can you relate?

Let Him Go

If he can't let HER go, you need to let HIM go. — Abel Keogh

Nothing can prepare you for the death of a partner – but no one has the right to judge you for moving on

From the Metro (UK):

It was about two months after I lost my first wife Krista to suicide that I felt like I wanted to date again.

I was 26 at the time and I thought there was something wrong with me – maybe I was just feeling this way because of how my wife had died? – so I fought it off. But I did start dating again a few months later and, just over a year after Krista passed away, I remarried.

Now I work as a relationship coach for widowers and women who date widowers, and I don’t think most people really understand what we experience.

***

Seven months after Krista died, I met Julianna at church and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. She’d recently won a local marathon and her picture had been in the paper, so I asked her out by congratulating her and asking if she wanted to go for a run.

We had an awful first date – Julianna didn’t know I was a widower and when I blurted it out, it threw her completely off and she had a hard time wrapping her mind around it. But she agreed to go on a second date and it was then that I realised we could be serious. It was weird.

There weren’t any doubts or worries that I was doing something wrong – it was the exact same feeling that I had with Krista. And it got stronger and stronger the more time we spent together.

Part of that feeling was a motivation to move past my grief. I couldn’t keep both the emotions of grieving for Krista and loving Julianna in me at the same time, so it was a battle before I eventually let love overwhelm it.

Read the rest at Metro.

10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers

I was recently interviewed by The Telegraph about widowers dating again. The article was published yesterday. Excerpt below.

After losing someone you love, the idea of dating again can be almost unthinkable. Some people decide to never be in a relationship again, and many see that through. Others jump straight back into it, attempting to quickly remedy their feelings or find a replacement for their lost loved one.  

***

But that’s not to say that dating later in life is easy to navigate for senior singles. We caught up with Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, to seek advice for those returning to the dating world and to hear about his own personal experiences as a widow. 

***

What is the hardest thing about dating again?

“For me, it was understanding that those I was dating weren’t going to be anything like my late wife. When I first started dating I was looking for someone who was similar to my late wife both in looks and interests.

“I had to learn to accept the women I dated for who they were and evaluate them based on that, not on past experience or a fantasy of what I thought they should be. Once I did, the dates went better and it was easier to open my heart to those who were very different.”

Read the entire article at The Telegraph.

Widower Wednesday: 3 Things that got Us from Dating to Married

Yesterday Marathon Girl and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. I share this news in part because I want readers to know it’s possible for a widower to remarry and have a second marriage that’s just as wonderful or even better than the first one. However, for widowers and the women who date them, it seems the journey from dating to exchanging vows is a long, arduous process when dating a widower because of all the unique issues that pop up.

Looking back on our early relationship with the perspective of time, I can pinpoint three things that we had either agree up or work towards in order for our relationship to progress from dating to husband and wife. Having read or listened to thousands of widower-related dating stories over the years, these are also issues that stop most widower relationships from progressing to marriage or a serious, long-term relationship. I share these three tips hopes that it can help readers pinpoint issues in their current relationship and, hopefully, lead to something stronger and better.

1.       We both had the same long-term relationship goals

After three or four good dates, Marathon Girl had a serious conversation with me about what I wanted from the relationship. At first I thought the point of the talk was to see how serious I was about her and the relationship. However, as the talk progress I realized what she really wanted to know if we are on the same page when it came to what our long-term goals were. Marathon Girl wanted to date someone who was serious about marriage and having a family at some point in the future. No matter how nice or wonderful I treated her, she wasn’t going to waste her time dating someone who didn’t want those same thing. She also wasn’t going to waste her time hoping to convince me otherwise or hope that I’d change as our relationship grew more serious. (That rarely, if ever, happens.)

Though I wasn’t sure what to make of the talk at the time, looking back I see that having this conversation prevented both of us from getting into a serious relationship where we loved each other but couldn’t give each other what we ultimately wanted (in our case marriage and children). Realizing that we headed down the same endgame in mind, we could focus more on compatibility issues and decide if spending the rest of our lives together was something we really wanted to do.

2.       We made each other our number one priority.

Once we agreed to date each other exclusively, we both agreed we were going to make each other the top priority. There wasn’t going to be a trial period where we were going to half-heartedly commit to each other and bail out at the first sign of trouble. The relationship was going to work out (read: lead to marriage) or it was going to end—most likely in few short weeks or months. That meant spending much time together as our schedules would allow. (For me that meant getting up before 5:00 a.m. every morning and running 4-12 miles with her. For Marathon Girl that meant fewer trips to her parents’ home on the weekends.)

Making each other number one meant integrating each other into every part of our lives including introducing each other to friends, co-workers, and family. It meant not hiding our relationship from anyone. It meant and not letting widower issues dictate or hinder our relationship. It eventually meant moving to a city 25 miles away right after we were married so we could have a fresh start in a new place and make new memories.

3.       We both made peace with the past, agreed to live in the present, and work for a better future

Marathon Girl was 23 when we started dating. At that age, she never considered seriously dating someone who had been married before—let alone a widower. She struggled with the fact that very small part of my heart would belong to someone else. She had to accept this fact but at the same time know that from now on my heart was now hers and that she—not the deceased—was in the top of my mind and thoughts at all times.

My challenge was realizing it was okay to open my heart to someone else and that taking down photographs of the late and putting or giving away her things wasn’t a slight to her, our relationship, or the life we shared together. Instead of focusing on what I had lost, I learned to focus on Marathon Girl’s wants and needs and the future and family we could build together.

If any of those three things hadn’t happened, I don’t know if our marriage would have lasted a year or or if we would have even tied the knot in the first place. What I do know is that agreeing on the long-term goals of the relationship, putting each other first, and living in the present instead of the past made it easier to overcome all the unique widower issues that came up and still occasionally arise in our relationship. Bur 14 years in I have absolutely no regrets about my decision to move forward and build a new life with Marathon Girl. These last 14 years have been the fastest and best years of my life and I can’t fathom where my life would be without Marathon Girl in it. Marrying her was the best decision I ever made and I’m looking forward to spending the rest of this life and the eternities with her at my side.

Saving People from Heartache

A reader sent me the following chat she had with a widower on an online dating site. Makes me happy to see that my books are helping others avoid heartache.

Share Your Story

I’m in the midst of writing my final widower relationship guide. Tentatively titled Life with a Widower, the book will focus on the most common problems and issues not covered in my first two books. I’m hoping to have the book available before the end of the year.

And this is where I need your help.

My other two relationship books, Dating a Widower and Marrying a Widower have included wonderful stories from women who were dating or married to a widower. These stories have added insight to the chapter and helped countless others who are in a relationship with a widower. For this book I need stories from those who are or have been in a relationship with a widower. It doesn’t matter if you just dated a widower once or have been happily married to one for 30 years, if you have a story to share, send it in.

I’m looking for stories that can address the following situations:

• How did the late wife’s Facebook page or other online memorials affect your relationship?

• What happened when you gave your widower a second chance at the relationship?

• How did get the strength and courage to end the relationship with a widower even though you were still in love with him?

• If the widower told you about his sex life with the late wife, how did this impact your relationship?

• How did memorial tattoos interfere with or enhance your relationship?

• What are some ways you learned to better communicate with a widower?

• How did you forgive a widower that dumped you, used you, or otherwise hurt you?

• What did you widower do when friends and family kept trying to memorialize the late wife?

• How did a long distance relationship with a widower work out?

• Does your widower participate in annual events (like 5k runs) for the late wife or work in behalf of charities, foundations, or scholarships for the late wife? If yes, has that hindered or helped your relationship?

I’m looking for success stories as well as ones where things didn’t work out. Basically if you have a story that you think can help other girlfriends of widowers and wives of widowers with their current relationship I want to hear from you!

Please keep submissions between 250-750 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can organize them for quick reference.) Stories are due no later than Thursday, November 1, 2012. You can submit them by sending me an email here.

If your story is selected, you’ll receive a free copy of the new book as soon as it’s published. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.

Thanks for your help,

Abel

Helen Dennis: Learning to date after losing a spouse

A chapter of Dating a Widower (not Marrying a Widower as mentioned in the column) was extensivly quoted mentioned and quoted from in a Helen Dennis column in the Long Beach Press-Telegram in answer to the following question:

My father is 80 years old and lost his wife of 60 years about six months ago. He moved to a retirement community with lots of available women. The problem is that his first try at dating has backfired. He is distraught over what he perceives as a failure. I think he moved too fast, wanting to live with this woman after dating for only a few weeks. I would like to gently advise him without preaching. I might add, my mother did everything for him and was a full-time homemaker. Do you have any suggestions?

You can read Helen's answer here.