Widower Wednesday: Second Chances

In the comment section (#25) of a recent Widower Wednesday post, Annabelle writes:

I have looked at this site a few times before deciding to go ahead and give things a go with the guy I have been dating for the past 3 months. After being convinced and seeing good signs he had moved on and wanted a new start I decided to give him a go.

But yesterday – like so many stories I have read – the same thing has happened to me like so many others and I really believed it would not…..

I have heard it all, I love you, I want to build a future with you, you are amazing and then yesterday – he feels a difference in how I feel for him and how he feels for me.

She goes on to describe the widowers actions and how she felt when the widower suddenly and unexpectedly ended the relationship. Then she asks the following question:

This is so confusing….. is it over or do you think I should just walk away and not even give him a second chance?

Whether or not to give a widower a second chance is a great question and, unfortunately, one that many women who date widowers have to answer.

There’s a part of me is sympathetic to the widowers who end relationships only to think they might have made mistakes.  I know what it’s like to want to date again and have a serious, committed relationship while still trying to sort out the internal feelings of grief and moving on. These feelings can lead to conflicting emotions and uncertainty about whether the relationship they’re in is the right one.

And I’ve personally benefited from second chances. Those who have read Room for Two or have been following this blog for awhile know that if it wasn’t for a second chance, my relationship with Marathon Girl would have ended after our first date. (Of course, my second chance involved a second date. I never got serious with Marathon Girl’s hopes only to abruptly end the relationship because I of mixed emotions.)

However, I also know what it’s like to start and continue a relationship just for the sake of having someone fill the hole in one’s the heart. I know what it’s like to tell someone you love them when deep down you know the relationship isn’t right just because you miss having someone special in your life and, later, to unceremoniously dump them. Personally, I think most widowers who ask for second chances fall into this category.

Widowers who tell their girlfriends they love them and want to spend their life with them only to dump them usually aren’t worthy of second chances. In my mind most widower come crawling back because they miss the company, companionship, sex, and other benefits of a relationship – not because they’re ready to move on. Widowers will pursue women they truly love. They won’t unexpectedly end the relationship or have doubts about moving on. They’ll figure out a way to check their emotions and make things work.

So, should you give your widower a second chance? Generally I advise against it. Most women who email me that have given their widower second, third, or even fourth chances generally end up getting their heart broken again and again. I think the saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” applies to this situation.

However, if your gut (not your heart) tells you he’s worthy of a second chance, draw a line in the sand and take control of the relationship. Let the widower know how you expect to be treated and that if you have the feeling he’s not ready to move on or is serious about the relationship, you’ll end the relationship. Keep your eyes wide open for any red flags. And it he steps out of line, don’t hesitate to end things.

Widower Wednesday: Avoiding the Late Wife’s Family

Today’s Widower Wednesday question comes from a recent widower with a young child who’s is in his first serious relationship since the wife died. He’s crazy about the new woman in his life and feels incredibly lucky and blessed to have found love again. There’s just one problem: his girlfriend refuses to meet or spend any time with the late wife’s family. In addition, the girlfriend makes small complaints when the widower wants to take his child and spend time with them. The widower wants to know if he’s asking too much by wanting the girlfriend to meet the late wife’s family and spend some time with them occasionally.

Everyone comes into a relationship with some sort of past. Relationships with widowers usually involve knowing and spending time with the late wife’s family—especially if there are children from the first marriage. A lot of women are uncomfortable meeting or spending time with the late wife’s family and I don’t blame them for feeling that way considering how poorly they’re sometimes treated.

However, I have a problem when the girlfriend refuses to meet them or even consider getting to know them. It seems like the larger issue is that she doesn’t want to admit or acknowledge the widower’s past marriage and that by refusing to be part of it, the late wife’s family, the late wife, and the widower’s past will magically disappear.

Having a successful relationship with a widower means accepting the fact that the late wife, in some small way, is always going to be part of the relationship with a widower. Like it or not, the widower’s previous marriage made him the man he is today. By cutting the late wife’s family out of the picture and refusing to even meet them, the girlfriend is denying a chance to get to know people who have influenced on who the widower is. At the very least she should try to spend some time with these people and give them a chance as they’ll probably play some role in her relationship with the widower if it’s too continue.

In any case, the late wife’s family is going to become a much bigger issue as the relationships goes on. She may only make a small fuss now when the widower wants to see them, but the complaints are going to get bigger and louder the longer the relationship goes on. Personally, I don’t see a future with her unless she’s willing to at least meet the late wife’s family and be more open to the widower’s past.

Widower Wednesday: Long Distance Relationships

 

Occasionally I’ll get an email from someone who’s having a long distance relationship with a widower. Generally these relationships start off well with both parties communicating via email, texts, phone, Facebook, etc. for hours at a time. After three or four months the communication from the widower levels off and I get an email asking if the widower is still interested.

The problem with long distance relationships is that phone and other forms of communication only go so far. It’s hard to really get to know someone or remember why they set your heart aflutter in the first place when all you’re doing is talking or texting each other. Knowing whether or not someone is worth a serious, committed relationship, you need to spend a lot of time in with them—something that’s hard to do when you live hundreds or thousands of miles away from each other. The widower status of the man adds an additional layer of complexity since you’re seeing someone who may not be emotionally ready to start a new life with you.

For those who have read Room for Two, you know that my first serious relationship after my late wife’s death was a long distance one. Even though we talked on the phone for an hour or two ever day, sent copious amounts of email to each other, and each took turns flying to the other’s state every other month, I kept feeling that something was wrong with the relationship. At first I thought my misgivings were because we spend so little time together. But as the relationship progressed, I realized that the spark that I was looking for wasn’t there. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to end the relationship. I liked having someone to talk to and someone who would spend time with me. It added a much needed layer of normalcy to my life. Instead, I started cutting back on the amount of time we talked on the phone and the numbers of email I sent.  The amount of contact plunged even further when I started dating Marathon Girl—something that may not have even happened if the first girl I was dating didn’t live over 600 miles away.

What it comes down to is this: widowers who aren’t ready to move on can fake interest in someone for an hour over the phone for months or years but have a harder time doing this over extended face-to-face encounters. When you’re dating a widower and aren’t able to see his non-verbal actions, if the house is full of shrines to the late wife, etc. it’s hard to tell if he’s really loves you or is simply using you to pass the time until someone better comes along. Eventually he’ll get bored and contact will slow down or stop completely but in the meantime you’ll end up wasting countless hours and mouths (or years) of your life.

My advice is to avoid long distance relationships with a widower unless you can find a way to spend lots of face-to-face time with each other. Dating a widower already comes with plenty of unique challenges; adding the complexity that comes with a long distance relationship is simply asking for more trouble.

Widower Wednesday: Making New Holiday Traditions

 

From the emails in my inbox this last week, appears that one of the big holiday stressors for women dating widowers is being involved in holiday traditions that the widower and the late wife shared. It could be small things like where to buy a Christmas tree and what Christmas party to attend to bigger issues like where they spend the holidays or when to open Christmas presents. Of course, the big commonality (and stressor) is that these women share is that the widowers insist that these traditions must be maintained and refuses to compromise or consider doing something different.

Committed relationships bring a lot of adjustments for widowers. Some adjustments are hard to make if they’ve become accustomed to doing things one way or another year after year. I was only married just shy of three years to the late wife but had already become used to the way we did things. I didn’t realize this until my first holiday season with Marathon Girl when she started making suggestions on what she wanted to do during the holidays. It was so unlike how the late wife that most of the holiday season felt different. I don’t mean to imply that the holiday season was worse. It wasn’t. Instead there were a lot of mental and internal changes I had to make in order to enjoy the new season. I share this because a lot of these widowers might be having a hard time doing things differently during the holidays—especially if they’ve spent 20 years or more so doing things a certain way. Change is harder for some than for others.

What concerns me is when the widower refuses to compromise or doesn’t see why he should have to spend the holidays doing something different.  For example one woman wrote to me and talked about how the widower wanted to spend Christmas in California because that’s what they, meaning he and the late wife, always did. While she wasn’t opposed to spending the holidays away from home, she suggested that they go somewhere just as sunny and warm as California, he refused and said that it wouldn’t be Christmas unless they spent a week in a certain town.

My first suggestion in these situations is, as always, to talk to the widower and see why he feels strongly about uphlding certain holiday traditions. Hopefully he’ll be willing to at least add some of yours to the list or create one or two new ones that the two of you can call your own. If he refuses to budge, it indicates a larger problem like not being ready to move on or having difficulty adjusting to the new life. Whatever the reason for his refusal to compromise, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship. You may want to consider spending the holidays with friends and family who can make this time of year more enjoyable.

On a side note, I’m more tolerant of keeping traditions when there are minor children at home—especially if their mom is recently deceased—since traditions can give them some sort of normalcy to hold on too without their mom at Christmas time. I’m a lot less open to traditions just for the sake of traditions. Even then, he should be willing to do something that makes you feel like part of the holidays instead of someone who’s intruding on family rituals.

Widower Wednesday: Remembering the Late Wife during the Holidays

Last week I received seven emails from women who were all worried about the same holiday issue: how to deal with the widower doing something to commemorate the late wife during the holidays.

One lady wrote to me concerned that the Thanksgiving dinner she was attending would include a toast to the late wife. Another woman was worried about her widower wanting to scatter her ashes on a ski slope Christmas Eve. A third was worried about the widower who insists on visiting cemetery Christmas morning and how that might affect his attitude the rest of the day. You get the picture.

Holidays can be tough on anyone who’s lost a loved one. Generally, the first holiday season (and the first year for that matter) without the late wife is the hardest because the widower’s learning how to adjust to life without his wife. Once someone’s made it through their holiday without the late wife, the holidays become the second, third, and fourth time around.

My suggestion on how to handle these situations depends on 1) how long ago the late wife died and 2) how the widower acts during these events. For example, I didn’t have a problem with the Thanksgiving toast because this was the family’s first holiday season without her. Instead of focusing on the toast, I suggested she watch on how the widower treated her during the time before and after that moment. Did he seem focused on the late wife and the past or her and the present? Was he introducing her to friends and family or letting her fend for herself? Was he doing his best to make the day festive or did it feel like a wake? So long as the widower was doing his best to make the day special for her and treating her like number one, I didn’t see a problem with the toast.

I was a little more concerned with the widower who wanted to scatter the ashes onChristmas Eve. First he brought up the scattering the ashes after the two of them had already booked their trip. Second the wife had been dead two years and I found it odd that he was choosing their trip to do it. Sure, it might have been his way to saying good-bye and move on, but doing it during a trip that was supposed to create new holiday memories with another woman seemed like awfully bad timing. My suggestion was to talk to him and see what the reason was for doing it during their trip and there was a better time to do it that wouldn’t distract from the fun trip they were to enjoy together.

I was really worried about the widower who wanted to visit the cemetery on Christmas morning. The day held no significance in their relationship aside from the normal holiday stuff. They weren’t married on that day, she didn’t die on that day, nor did any special event in their marriage happen on that day. It’s just something he had done every Christmas (and every other major holiday) since his wife died five years ago. The woman said that after he visits the cemetery he’s comes home quiet and moody – not exactly the best way to usher in the spirit of Christmas. Where the wife’s been dead five years and he won’t go the day before or after Christmas to visit the cemetery, it appears like he’s still grieving and not ready to move on. I suggested that unless the widower was willing to forgo or delay the cemetery visit, it would probably be best if she spent the holidays elsewhere. In the meantime she might want to think about whether the widower is ready to start a new life with her.

Holidays without a spouse can be tough, but remember that once a widower has made the choice to enter a committed relationship with you, your relationship—not his grief—should come first. While there’s nothing wrong with remembering the past, living in the present, counting our blessings, and creating new memories with a new love is a much happier and productive way to spend the holidays.

Widower Wednesday: Moody Holiday Widowers

Thanks to everyone who sent in their holiday widower questions. I’m working on answering them all of them personally while addressing the most common topics on the blog.

By far the most frequent holiday that found its way to my inbox was about widowers who get sad, depressed, or moody during the holiday season. One woman wrote that she was dating a man who had been widowed for two years and felt like the entire holiday season was going to be spoiled because he’s become more distant and doesn’t want to participate in planned holiday activities.

I want to have empathy for these widowers. I really do. I know that holidays can feel empty without their wife by their side. I couldn’t wait for my first Christmas without her to be over because all I could think about was that she wasn’t around.

The problem is that these widowers have willingly become involved in a committed relationship. If they’re willing to commit to someone, they need to man up and make the holiday season enjoyable for the new woman in their life. That might mean trying out a new tradition, spending a day with her friends and family, or just enjoying some alone time with the new woman. It doesn’t mean sitting at home sulking or becoming withdrawn and uncommunicative.

My gut says that widowers in a committed relationship who become overly withdrawn during the holidays or other special occasions aren’t ready to move on. Talk to the widower about what’s bugging him, but unless he can find the strength to man up and make you number one, plan on having more holidays and special occasions ruined.

Widower Wednesday: Dating Widowers with Children

 

Because I didn’t have any living children when I dated Marathon Girl, I’m always a bit hesitant to give advice to women who are dating widowers with minor children still living at home. (I define a minor child as anyone 17 and under. For suggestions on dealing with adult children, read this Widower Wednesday column.) Still I receive lots of email on the subject I’m going to give out some general guidelines that might help.

  • Beware of widowers who are just looking for someone to help out with the kids. I’m amazed at the number of emails from women who have turned into fulltime, unpaid nannies whose main job is to take care of the kids and have sex with the widower at night. Unless you marry the guy, never forget that his kids are his responsibility—not yours. That doesn’t mean you can’t help out on occasion but it shouldn’t dedicate your life to raising them unless you become their stepmother. Never become an unpaid nanny with benefits. If you do, odd are the relationship won’t work out.
  • Don’t expect the widower to take down all the photos off the late wife. Generally I prefer widowers to remove photos/shrines/memorials to the late wife and replace them with photos of the new love. However, I generally make exceptions to this rule when minor children are home. The kids are probably having a hard enough time seeing dad with someone else. They last thing they need is all the photos of their mom removed from the living room.
  • Realize that widowers with minor children living at home might not be able to spend as much “alone time” with as you both may want. Widowers who work to support their kids often find themselves with limited time to be a dad. This means wants to spend time with you, your dates may involve going to his children’s soccer games or other activities. One-on-one time is important in any relationship but it’s harder to come by when kids are at home. Besides if you marry the guy, odds are you’re going to spending most of your time with him and his kids. Better get used to it.
  • Don’t be jealous of the time and attention the widower pays to the kids. As far as I’m concerned, his kids (minor children living at home) should be his number one priority. If he’s managed to find time for a relationship, that’s great but the wants and needs of his kids should come first. If the relationship is meant to be, you and the widower will find a way to make it work.
  • If the kids hate or resent you, treat them kindly. You can’t control what others think of you. And seeing their dad with someone other than mom is probably hard on most kids. If they say unkind things toward you or try to push your buttons, respond with love and kindness. This is the same advice I give when dealing with others who may not approve of the relationship. It may not be easy to turn the other cheek, but, in the end, you’ll win more people over this way.
  •  If you don’t like the way the widower disciplines (or refuses to discipline) his kids, don’t expect anything to change once you’re in a committed relationship, engaged, or married. Odds are the discipline (or lack thereof) will continue even after you’re the stepmom. If you can’t live with it, bail out before it’s too late.

And remember, Everything will go a lot easier if you’re able to talk to the widower about his kids and your relationship. Do your best to have open lines of communication. It will go a long way to solving problems that arise.

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 Dating a widower? Having issues? Send me an email and it might be addressed in a future Widower Wednesday column. At the very least, you’ll get a personal reply. :-)