Life After Loss or How to Live Again After the Death of a Spouse

When you lose a spouse, you often lose friends and connections that once filled your life with joy. You may find that couples you used to spend time with have drifted away, or that close friends are now distant. It’s not just friendships that suffer; relationships with family members, neighbors, and coworkers can also change for the worse. How does one best deal with this change? Relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Life After Loss or How to Live Again After the Death of a Spouse

It’s Wednesday and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we’re addressing the subject of life after loss. This comes from a heartbreaking comment that was left on one of my YouTube videos by a recent widower. He writes:

“What if you don’t have any friends that want to have you over? What if you have friends who are just superficial they say hi to you and passing and that’s it. What if even your own children don’t call you on Christmas or they don’t even bother to check on you even during the year you know they just call every periodically. And what if you’re widowed. And you live in a building full of other people who are just about as miserable as they can get. Especially older people. When my wife was alive she decorated she cooked. She had me pass out candy to the neighbors. She had me doing all kinds of things. She brightened the holidays and now I don’t have anyone to show that stuff with anymore. And sometimes you think people are your friends. And they’re always about them and never about you. I’ve even had people. Tell me you need to forget about your wife who passed away what kind of a friendship is that. Well, I do know it’s only my faith and God is keeping me going.”

To the widower who shared this, I want you to know that I truly empathize with you. Your words highlight a painful reality: when you lose a spouse, you often lose friends and connections that once filled your life with joy. You may find that couples you used to spend time with have drifted away, or that close friends are now distant. It’s not just friendships that suffer; relationships with family members, neighbors, and coworkers can also change for the worse.

There are many reasons for this shift. Some friends might feel uncomfortable navigating the new dynamics of your life, while others may not know how to support you and choose to pull away. Sometimes, the bereaved person struggles to move forward, which can create a barrier to social interactions. I can’t speak to the specifics of your situation, but I do know that you have a choice in how you respond to this loss: you can either take action or let life pass you by.

This means being proactive about changing your circumstances. If your friends aren’t reaching out, don’t hesitate to contact them. If that’s not an option, look for meetup groups that align with your interests or consider joining a civic or religious organization that provide opportunities to socialize. If you live in a building with others who might be feeling the same way, invite them over for a get-to-know-you lunch or another activity. Emulate what your wife did—spread joy by passing out treats to neighbors or doing something kind for those around you.

In short, be the change you want to see. Reach out to old friends, and if they’re unresponsive, seek out new friendships by connecting with people who share your interests. Also, take the initiative to bring joy to others in similar situations as yours. You understand how they feel, so small acts of kindness can make a big difference for everyone involved. Even if it takes time to see the results, simply getting out of the house and shaking up your routine can greatly enhance your mental and emotional well-being.

Being widowed is undeniably tough, but it also presents an opportunity to start a new chapter, forge new friendships, and create fresh memories. Instead of relying on others for happiness, take charge of your own life and focus on making both yourself and those around you better off for having known you.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. If you found this video helpful, please like and subscribe. You can also schedule a coaching session through the link in the description below. I’ll see you all next Wednesday!

Frustrating Widower Quirks

What do you do about a widower who's stuck in his ways? Relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Transcript of video follows:

Hi, it's Wednesday and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I want to share a situation posted on the Dating a Widower Facebook group because it illustrates issues you face no matter who you're dating, whether they're widowed or not. Yes, I'm sharing this post with the person's permission.

Now, this person wrote: "My widower boyfriend is older and set in his ways. When I go to his house, he usually cooks a meal and I start doing the dishes. He doesn't want me to do the dishes because he dislikes how anyone else does them. That's the same way with the stove top. Yesterday, he offered to let me cook something, but I declined because he'd season it the way he wanted anyway. I understand this isn't a widower situation, but I want to know who has to be more flexible, him or me?"

The reason I love this question is because once you work through these widower issues, you're going to find out that the person you're dating, whether widow or widower, has quirks. This isn't unique to widows or widowers—everyone has quirks. Even everybody watching this, we all have quirks. One of the reasons you date is to get to know people's quirks and decide if this is something you can live with or not.

In answer to the question about who needs to be more flexible, it sounds like the widower likes cooking and enjoys his kitchen a certain way. So, what you need to decide is if his cooking and kitchen quirks are a deal breaker or not. If cooking and kitchen things are something you enjoy, then this might be something that stops the relationship from moving forward. But if he's a good cook and you're okay with taking a step back, at least in the kitchen, I would say sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever he creates. Be grateful that you don't have to clean up afterwards. For me personally, that's the worst part of cooking—cleaning up.

Now, I know some of you are watching and wondering if the widower should at least change or let his girlfriend help out. I'm honestly not opposed to asking what she can do to help or seeing if he'll consider a change like she's done. But, you know, if nothing's going to change, then just back off and understand that there are some battles worth fighting, such as asking the widow or widower to make you number one in his heart or standing up to his children. But there are other battles, such as these quirks, that aren't really worth fighting over. That's why I think it's best to take a step back in this case and just decide if you can live with it.

It's also good to recognize that we all have our own quirks and there are things we want to do ourselves and have done a certain way. For example, when Juliana and I were first married, she wanted to make my lunches every day, every morning before I went to work. But this was something I wanted to do myself. There was nothing wrong with the lunches she made, and I knew she was doing it because she loved me, but one of my quirks is that I just want to pack my own lunch. I can't tell you why this is, but it's just something I really want to do. Eventually, Juliana realized this wasn't a battle worth fighting and she let me take care of it. We're living happily ever after because of it.

For the rest of you, maybe ask yourself if you've reached a point in your relationship where you know your widow's or widower's quirks. If not, maybe start paying attention because some quirks may be deal breakers. Oftentimes, quirks aren't usually grief-related, but sometimes they are. You just have to pay attention to those and hopefully, they're not deal breakers. If they're not, I hope that you can either enjoy them or at the very least tolerate those things that make that individual unique.

If you feel like it, why don't you go ahead and list the quirks of the widows and widowers you're dating in the comments below, or list your own quirks and let us know how you and your partner dealt with them and how you solved this problem. I think it'd be good for a lot of people to read that.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Don't forget to subscribe to this channel or schedule a coaching session. I will see you all next Wednesday.

Help! My Heart and Mind are Hijacked by the Widower's Past Life

How do you get over things you've heard, such as stories about the widower and his late wife, and seen, such as happy photos of them together. that you can never unhear or unsee? Relationship coach Abel Keogh, has the answer.

Transcript follows:

Hi, it’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re going to answer a question from a viewer that asks:

“How do you get over things you've heard, such as stories about the widower and his late wife, and seen, such as happy photos of them together. that you can never unhear or unsee?! All going so well, together but I'm just completely hijacked by memories. What’s the best way to deal with this?”

Great question and I’m sharing this with the person’s permission. I’m going to answer this in two parts. The first part is this why I caution those who are dating widows or widowers to be careful about how much they learn about the late husband or late wife. Yes, you need to know somethings in order to better understand the widow or widower you’re dating but you can go to far and see photos or hear stories that make you think that the widow or widower would be happier with their late spouse or that you’ll never be able to have the wonderful relationship that they shared. So be cautious about how much information you ask for because you can’t unsee or unhear things.

Now, if you have seen or heard things that you wish you hadn’t, the best way to overcome this is to make new memories with the widow or widower you’re dating. Find things to do and places to go that will build new memories together. As you build a new life and enjoy new experiences, these new memories will eventually put the ones you wish you hadn’t seen or heard to bed.

Triggers happen and there’s not much you can do about being triggered. Widows and widowers are also triggered constantly about memories of their late spouse and we expect them to deal with those memories in a healthy way, we too should find healthy ways to overcome flashbacks to things we wish we hadn’t seen or heard. It could be something like going for a walk to clear your head or recalling something loving that the widow or widower recently said. You might have to try different things until you figure out what works for you. But what’s most important is instead of dwelling on things you can’t control, find a way to focus on the positive things and blessings in your life. You’ll be happier and your relationship with a widow or widower will be better off as a result.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, if you want to talk about your relationship, schedule a coaching session in the link in the description below. Like this video, leave a comment, and don’t forget to subscribe, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

Don't Put Your Life on Hold for a Widow or Widower

Should you put your life on hold for a widow or widower who's not ready to open their heart? Relationship coach and widow(er) expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Transcript follows:

Hi, it’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re going to discuss if you should keep in touch with a widow or widower who’s not ready for a relationship.

I’ll often get questions from those who are dating or want to date widows and widowers who know they’re not ready for a relationship. For example the widow or widower could still be grieving, have survivors guilt, or some other life issue that makes them incapable of a romantic relationship and, thankfully, the widow or widower is honest enough to admit that now is not a good time for a relationship.

The question I get is should they stay connected in the hopes that the widow or widower gets their act together to the point where they can open their heart. The short answer is NO.

We have these fantasies that the widow or widower will eventually come around and be ready for a relationship—after all that’s what is often sold to us in movies and books about widows and widowers. And while many of widows and widowers do reach a point where they can open their heart again, the mistake I see those who want a relationship with the widow or widower make is that they often put their life on hold waiting for that magical moment to happen.

Never put your life on hold for someone who’s not ready to open their heart because there’s no telling how long it will take them to open it or if it will ever happen. The last thing you want to do is waste years of your life waiting for someone who can never give you the relationship you want. The best thing you can do is give them space to work through their issues and tell them to reach out once they’re ready to open their hearts. Widows and widowers need a reason to open their heart again and you can do that by creating an environment where they have the chance to miss you. If that’s not an incentive enough for them to do the work necessary to open their heart, then nothing else will work.

While they’re figuring things out, continue to live your life which, yes, includes dating other people.  After all, you have a life to live and you shouldn’t put yours on hold just because someone else isn’t ready for a relationship. Life is for the living and is to be lived, we are to act and not be acted upon. Don’t let others hold you back from living your life.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, if you want to talk about your relationship, schedule a coaching session in the link in the description below. Like this video, leave a comment, and don’t forget to subscribe, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.