Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widower with Minor Children (Part 2)

Last week I shared stories from women dating widowers who had to figure out how to make a relationship when minor children (his, hers, both) were involved.  This week we’ll hear from widowers from two widowers who both had minor children living at home when they started dating again. The first is a widowed blogger. The second will go by the name “Jack.”

Again, when it comes to commenting on these posts from others, keep in mind that each family and child is different. What works for one family/child may not work for yours. The purpose here is to share ideas—not tear down what’s working for someone else. Feel free to share your own thoughts or ask questions of these widowers.

Enjoy.

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From Split-Second Single Father

Here's how I have handled dating since becoming a widower. I am the father of a seven-year-old girl, who was five the first time I dated someone after her mother died. I am currently in my second relationship. Both times, I have handled things as follows:

I made sure to tell my daughter about the first date prior to the date itself. We sat down and discussed it (over ice cream) as something that was going to happen once and if things went well, maybe a second and third and fourth time. This approach has also helped when she jumps immediately to the "Aah! You're going to marry her!" phase, which it is clearly too soon to determine at this point. (Although I am quick to tell her that it COULD be a possibility someday or I wouldn't be dating her in the first place!)

So far the relationships I've been in have lasted past the first date, so I make sure to keep the lines of communication open. I want to make sure that my daughter knows her opinions/feelings are important to me, while at the same time knowing that she will not be the ultimate decision-maker in the relationship. I believe that having this kind of communication will help if/when there comes a point when I do decide to marry again. (Ironically, I try to keep this kind of open communication with whomever I'm dating as well, which makes that relationship go a lot better also!)

I'm as firm a believer in protecting my daughter as I am enjoying those first few moments of getting to know someone new, so I don't involve my daughter in the relationship early on (but I do talk to each about the other, as appropriate). And even then, I ease her in. It's important to build the foundation for the relationship between the two of you, and that's hard to do with kids around. Plus, it protects the child/ren from getting hurt time and again if Dad has a string of disappointing relationships. The time-frame has been different for each relationship, but I'd say waiting at least a month is a good rule of thumb.

In saying that, it becomes clear that time spent with the new woman will be minimal at first. That's another thing the two of you (grown-ups, not the child/ren) need to discuss. The first woman I dated worked all the time and was also a single parent, so we only had one night a week we could go out.

The woman I am currently dating does neither of those things, but has been fully committed to taking things slowly. Which is why I make every effort to make the time we do spend together about her/us. After all, it IS a new relationship. There's no reason she should feel second-rate because I have a child. Supplementing those other days with phone calls, texts, and/or e-mails helps too. Just make sure not to spend so much time focusing on her that your child/ren feel replaced - especially at first. (For instance I usually call my girlfriend after my daughter is in bed for the night, which also makes for uninterrupted phone time!)

The rules regarding how my daughter treats the woman do not differ from how I would expect her to treat any other adult. She will show respect both to her and about her, even if she is expressing negative opinions (to me - which has happened and really can be done respectfully.)

One thing that has surprised me this time around is how quickly my daughter has started to bond with my girlfriend. It makes me glad that I waited long enough to establish that foundation in our relationship, but it's also a bit hard. I mean, she's been ALL MINE for over four years and now I have to SHARE her! (If things continue to go this well, I'm sure I can adjust). Just be aware that your widower might be experiencing that feeling for the first time as well.

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From “Jack”

My first venture out into dating just seven months after LW's death quickly became not 'just dating'.  I found myself with one woman (the first one I dated after LW passing)  in a very romantic relationship. It was because we had known one another many years before.  But also, I think, it happened as it did because I was filling that void left by LW's death.   I was not out with a plant to use a woman to fill that void and I honestly think if I had not known this woman before earlier in my life, the relationship would not have fast-forwarded as it did.

At the time I had two minor sons still with me in the home, ages 12 and 16.  I made the mistake of pushing forward with this relationship and spent probably too many weekends away from my boys as she lived several hours away.  As the relationship progressed to marriage engagement, I made plans to move to her city after the oldest son graduated from high school where I lived.  My plan, which did not take my younger son's needs into consideration, was to marry this woman and then young son and I would move to her home and the son would do high school in the new city.  A wonderful plan for me.  A selfish one though.

My youngest son did not complain.  I learned later he suffered in silence at the prospect of moving.  In the end, the relationship was not to be for several reasons, the engagement broke off and I found “Anne” a year later online.  As that first relationship ended, then my youngest opened up and it became apparent he really had not wanted to leave the local schools for a strange new environment with no friends or siblings nearby.  Gee....why didn't I think of that????  I realized how selfish I had been.  I was just going to pluck him out of the school system he had enjoyed since 2nd grade and not allow him to finish high school with his buddies. I had rationalized big time that the school system in the new city was one of the most well respected in the region and he would prosper there. But actually, there is nothing at all wrong with our local school.  The realization of what I almost had done to my boy, (my baby) poured shame all over me.

Anne, on the other hand, has made no immediate demands. She wants us to take our time to be sure that all our children, hers and mine, are accommodated as our relationship matures, especially the most vulnerable, my youngest son.  So youngest son has fully accepted Anne being in his dad's life because she is not a threat.  She cares about his well-being and he respects her for it.

I understand that some W's perhaps tip the scale in the other direction too much, meaning they acquiesce too often to bratty children and rude LW family members at the expense of feelings of the GOW or WOW.  But on the other hand, there is my case.  Through this experience I learned that a W (me) can become self-centered as he pushes onward to fill that void left by LW's death.  A very special GOW (as in the case of my Anne) can step in and be a wonderful partner and wise aid to a W like me who needs to be 'reined in' occasionally to be sure 'the kids are all right'.

Dating a Widower with Minor Children (Part 1)

Last week I asked readers to contribute their experiences about how they handled the dating a widower when minor children (from him and/or her) were involved in the relationship. I received a bunch of good thoughts ideas that I hope can help those who find themselves in similar situations. This week I’m posting four responses from women dating widowers. Next week I’ll post experiences sent in by widowers. (If there are other widowers out there who still want to contribute, please email me.)

For those who comment on these posts, keep in mind that each family and child is different. What works for one family/child may not work for yours. Some of the ideas below take opposite approaches to the same issues. The purpose here is to share ideas—not tear down what’s working for someone else.

Finally, please note that just about all of those who sent in emails requested to use pen names or post anonymously. All names below are not the contributors’ real names but characters names on LOST. :-)

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From Kate

It is much easier to talk to the children about their mother than it is talking with the W. With the W, we have romantic feelings and it can be hard dealing with the love he had for her.

I have brought up their mom once in a while and asked how they were doing with it. Usually the answers are very matter of fact and not emotional (it's been a year since she passed) I would not over due the topic, just kind of 'check in' with how they are doing.

I’ve learned not take things personally that the children want to hold onto. For example W daughter can't sleep without her mom's blanket; she keeps her picture by her bedside with her mom's wedding ring. Near it, she has an old hairbrush. I made the mistake of saying she needed to get rid of it not knowing it was her mothers. She didn't like me bringing that up.

I am in the process of making a big photo album of their mother from when she was little to when she died so they have one place with all the pix (instead of the scattered in boxes, albums, etc.) This way, as they age, and wonder for example, "what did mom look like at prom?" they can just look at this one big book.

The men can get overloaded easily especially those with small children. No offense, but it just seems women can multi-task better. If he seems to get overwhelmed with all of the roles he has, it is kind of natural for girlfriend to just jump into whatever role he needs filling (cook, mother, sitter, etc). Be careful with that. It is so important that he DATES you, takes you out alone. It is crucial if this relationship is to survive, to have time alone without the kids.

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From Sun

My W (now husband) had four children when we married—all under the age of 12. I had two girls under the age of 7.  We took them all with us on the second date (he had something already planned with the kids.) Later he called and asked if my girls and I would to go with them—after consulting his kids, of course.  About every third date included all of the kids, and when he asked me to marry him, it was contingent upon our children's approval--which they all gave, after we answered their questions. We each talked about it with our own children, without the other one of us there.

Their mom had passed six month before from a 20-month battle with cancer.  They stood around us as we took our vows--and his kids helped clear space for their new sisters in their home.  After we had been married about 5-6 weeks, LW's mom called my husband at work and asked what the children were calling me.  He told her that they were calling me by my first name (which my 3-year-old was now doing, also.)  She said, "That will not do.  If she is the mother in the home she needs to be referred to as such.  Ask them to call her a form of "Mom."

DH told me about the call and at dinner that night, we asked the kids if they could find a respectful form of "Mom" and "Dad" that they could feel comfortable with. We told them wouldn't mean "You are my birth mom.  It would mean "You are the mother in this home."  He specifically told them that they didn't need to use the same term as when they referred to their "real" parents. That was the last time any of them referred to either one of us as anything but "Mom" and "Dad".  I think that made a huge difference in the way they saw us as a family.

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From Juliet

In my experience with a widower with children, the kid is pretty clear on if they want a new parent or not (the older one didn’t, the younger ones very much did). Respect that. Don’t ever tell a child they have to call you ‘mommy’ now (my son still goes back and forth on it years later. It’s fine. The relationship matters more than the title.).

If you’re a parent, you’re parenting a kid who lost one already, and they’re pretty worried about losing you too, so you need to be consistent and reassuring at all times. You’re there. You’re going to look after them. You’re not going to leave them. Ask them if they want to be adopted, don’t tell them they have to be adopted, if they’re old enough to understand that – otherwise you and your partner have to decide for them.

Communicate: what do you hope to get out of adoption? A stronger bond? Reassurance of your permanence for the child? The former in laws to go away/learn their place/whatever? Legal rights and responsibilities (especially big if you want to be sure you retain care of the child should the widow(er) you’re married to die themselves)?

If you’re not the parent to the child emotionally you’re a step-parent. Co-parenting is always important, but it seems like expectations of backing each other up and making joint decisions are clearer when you’re both at the same ‘level’. The widowed parent really has to step up here, so talk about it before it happens. You’re an adult and it’s your household as much as it is anyone else’s, and everyone needs to treat each other with mutual respect. You’re an adult on their side who is not their parent. Be kind. Make few rules, and try to keep them neutral – things you need for your home, not ways the kid needs to be. (‘You have to do this because I say so’ goes over badly. ‘House rules: no music other people can hear two rooms away‘ sounds better. ‘Stop being so introverted/extraverted’ is a loser however you say it)

Big choices are up to your partner, their parent, and you wish them well but stay out of it when it’s not a crisis or something that really affects you directly. Agree with your partner when the child is not there about what your contributions – time, energy, money (activities! college!) will be. The kid has been through a lot, and they can use more kind, even tempered adults who want things to go well for them. They will ask you for things and need support from you that they would never ask for from their parents as they become adults.

Parent or step-parent, in-law or feelings, these kids aren’t just ‘til they’re 18. They’ll have kids, they’ll call freaking out in their 20s, they will count on your home as the backup when things go wrong for most of their lives if you form a good relationship. Don’t go in if you’re counting the days ‘til you can have your widow(er) all to yourself without those pesky children from the previous marriage. Don’t go in if you can’t bear them talking about and loving their late parent (and wanting pictures of her in their room, say, if you don’t have them around the house otherwise). As time goes on, there’s less of this, but you have to be pretty completely okay with it.

Little kids want to go over their memories, and they get conflicted about loving you and the deceased. You need to be someone they trust to talk about this, so you can help them work through it being okay to love both, and to be sad about their lost parent and happy about their relationship with you at the exact same time. Bigger kids don’t like that their parent is less and less a part of the milestones of their life, and they need to talk about that sometimes, and it may be hard to talk about with the surviving parent - someone they resent a bit for moving on and starting again with someone new. I have the ‘I didn’t know your mom, but I know she would be so proud of the adult you are becoming’ talk every few weeks. It’s not much, and I wish I had more to offer, but it’s something and I think it would be very tough for the teenager if they didn’t feel like they could seek it out.

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From Claire

Four years ago I became a widow after a loving and successful 23-year marriage. We had 3 kids, two boys 21 and 17 and a daughter, 13. In March of 2007 I met a W online. By this time I had been widowed 10 months with no idea or desire to date or marry again only a desire to support and be supported by others in my shoes. He widowed 5 months after a very loving 13-year marriage. He had 2 young children both under the age of 9.

In the beginning of our friendship we talked about the issues of bringing our kids through the grieving process all the while trying to grieve ourselves. Not a fun or easy task at all. As time went on we learned much about one another and eventually agreed that we would "meet" in April. It went very well. The next month the W drove to my home with his 2 children to spend a long weekend with my daughter and I. (My boys were away in college). Both of us were nervous about meeting each other's kids and having the kids meet one another as well. Being spiritual people, we prayed that the initial meet would be successful and although we hoped for the best we prepared for the worst. To say it was fabulous is an understatement. W’s kids bounced out of his van and hugged me with tight squeezes. My son embraced the W and accepted him immediately. That weekend was magical filled with, what an outsider looking in would think was, normal family behaviors. After that weekend we met every other weekend and we all vacationed together. We married soon after.

By the third month the newness was wearing off and little scuffles between the kids began. Now our parenting skills and discipline skills needed to kick in. Being a teacher, a mother and the chief of discipline for years in my house, it was quite natural for me. For my W it wasn't so. He was a dad, the bread winner, and his eldest was merely 9. Now he was thrown into being the "dad" to a 14 year old daughter. All of those nights of long discussions on parenting and discipline issues began to play back into my head. He was clearly a fish out of water and it showed. But as the weeks marched on he battled his anxiety and slowly pitched in and tried. Our family was becoming a "real" family. The 2 youngest called me Mommy and my kids began to refer to W as Dad. Here's the key...all unprovoked. In their time they did it. We both had laid the law that the ONLY requirement we had of them was to RESPECT us as their parents. They did...above and beyond!

Today, I have adopted the younger kids and thereby am their Mommy. They were asked two years ago if this was something they wanted and we proceeded. We all live together in a very large, new home that is OURS. We still have those days where we are down or sad and yes the process of grieving is still happening and will continue to happen for years to come both for us and our children. The only difference is that now we handle it together and we support each other and our kids the best way we know how....with love, acceptance and understanding.

Widower Wednesday: Translating Widower Behavior

In the comment section of my last column a few of you asked for insight on dating a widower with minor children at home. A few months ago, I published a column on the subject. However, I don’t know if it was very helpful. Though I feel confident about addressing most widower issues, I have a hard time with the minor children one. I’m not sure why I feel this way about the subject. Maybe it’s because I I’d have no clue what I’d do if Marathon Girl were to die (heaven forbid) and I found myself a widowed father of four young kids. Maybe it’s because every kid is his or her own person and parenting needs to be tailored to the unique personality and needs of a child. Whatever the reason, this is the one widower-related area I don’t feel confident about dishing out advice.

So, I have an idea. Those who have ideas or experience in what works or doesn’t work with dating a widower with minor children and/or blending families with minor children, send me an email with your thoughts on the subject and I’ll post them in a future column. I’ll post your insight under your first name, pen name, or anonymously. Just write up something between 100 and 300 words on the subject and I’ll combine them into one column or two—depending on how many publishable responses I receive.

Sound like a good idea? Great. Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday column.

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I’ve receive a lot of emails asking me to interpret the odd or strange behavior of widowers exhibit in relationship situations. As a result, I’ve come up with a guide that cuts through the BS of the most common situation s and lets you know what the widower’s really saying.

Odd Widower Behavior: After fawning all over a woman and telling her how much he loves her, the widower withdraws from the relationship and tells the women he a) wants to date other women b) needs more time to grieve or c) isn’t sure how he feels about the relationship. In all three cases he usually asks the woman to wait around while he figures things out.

What the Widower Means to Say: I jumped in to the relationship too fast and now realize it’s not right for me. However, I’m not man enough to be honest with you about this. Also, it’s a lonely world we live in. In case I can’t find someone else I want you waiting in the wings so I have someone to come back with.

Odd Widower Behavior: Despite being in a committed/exclusive relationship and telling the woman how much he loves her, the widower cries nearly every day over his late wife and/or visits her grave or special place at least once a week and/or continually steers the conversation to likes, tastes, and thoughts of the late wife.

What the Widower Means to Say: I’ve got some serious grief issues. I’m probably not even ready for a committed relationship. As long as you put up with this behavior, I’ll keep grieving. P.S. Please keep tolerating my grief because I sure as hell can’t deal with reality on my own.

Odd Widower Behavior:  After sleeping with a widower for the first time, the widower breaks off the relationship the next day saying he isn’t ready for a relationship.

What the Widower Means to Say: I was just using you for sex. Now I’m off to my next conquest!

Odd Widower Behavior: The widower tells a woman how much he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Yet he always hides or lies about the relationship to friends/family/loved ones. He may even ask the woman to hide in the basement when friends unexpectedly drop by.

What the Widower Means to Say: I value the feelings of my friends/family/loved ones more than I value my relationship with you. I’m spineless and dishonest. Thanks for staying with me.

Odd Widower Behavior: Despite patiently waiting for a widower to get over his grief the widower still won’t make any long-term relationship commitments or discuss the future of the relationship. The widower also refuses do things that will make the woman feel like number one. As a result the woman constantly feels like number two or a third wheel.

What the Widower Means to Say: I don’t know how I feel about you. However, I didn’t realize how long I could string out a relationship using the grief excuse. Why didn’t I think of this excuse years ago? I love that no one questions or confronts my bad relationship behavior because I’m a widower. I’m going to keep this up as long as possible.

Widower Wednesday: Memorial Tattoos

In the spirit of walking the walk when it comes to putting your spouse first, Marathon Girl and I took a trip to southern Utah, without the kids(!), for three days last week. It was a great chance to rest, relax, and put each other first. Our relationship is stronger because of it. I highly recommend planning a getaway with your own spouse if you feel the relationship needs it.

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Last week I received an email from a woman who is dating a widower (wife died 2 years ago, they’ve been dating 15 months) who is doing everything right. He’s made her feel like #1 through his actions (as opposed to his words), and done everything he can to provide a safe, loving home for her and her children, and recently proposed. She’s looking forward to a long and happy life with this man.

There’s only one problem. There’s a small memorial tattoo (a heart with the late wife’s initials inside the heart) on the widower’s chest. Every time the woman sees the tattoo it serves as a reminder of his past love and life with her. Though she’s accepted his past and past marriage and the fact that he will always love her, the constant reminder is driving her crazy.

She’s talked about the tattoo with the widower. He doesn’t see a problem with keeping it. He says it was something he got when he thought he’d never love again and doesn’t think it’s something that needs to go. He also doesn’t want to go through the pain of having it removed.

The woman doesn’t want to lose this great man but doesn’t know if she can live seeing the tattoo every day for the rest of her life and wanted to know if she should learn to live with it or cut and run before she goes nuts.

My thoughts: If the tattoo bothers you that much, then maybe it’s best to move on. You’ve had 15 months to adjust to the tattoo and apparently it’s bothering you more now than the first time you saw it. Just keep in mind that you might be losing an otherwise great guy. I’m not faulting you for feeling this way (Marathon Girl wouldn’t have married me if I had one) just asking you to weigh the pros and cons of ending things over the tattoo.

However, I’m wondering if a compromise can be reached. Have you asked him about altering the tattoo? What if he filled in the heart or altered it in some other way so it obscures the late wife’s initials or doesn’t look like a memorial tattoo. Seems like that way he keeps the tattoo but turns it into something that’s not just a reminder of his past life. Maybe the two of you could visit the parlor where it was done and see if the people there have some ideas or options for the two of you to consider.

From your email, he seems like a great guy—a cut above most widowers who start dating again. If it’s just the tattoo and only the tattoo issue that’s bothering you then I’d try to find a way around it. It sounds like you have a relationships where you talk to each other, bring it up. See if the two of you can find a solution that makes you both happy.

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I know there are women who read this column who are with or dated widowers with memorial tattoos. How did you guys deal with it? Any suggestions on how to resolve this issue?

Widower Wednesday: Starting a New Life

After reading the post about Marathon Girl and me celebrating our 8^th wedding anniversary, I got an email from a reader expressing frustration with the widower she’s dating. She asked how Marathon Girl and I were able to overcome the widower issue and make things work.

That’s a good question and one I didn’t have an answer to off the top of my head. After mulling it over the last couple days, I think the biggest reason it worked out was because we both wanted it to work out. Once we both realized that we wanted spend the rest of our lives together, we did everything we could to make it work.

I moved on because I wanted to start a new life with Marathon Girl. I wanted to open my heart to her. I wanted to marry her, have a family with her, and spend the rest of my life with her. Because I wanted to do this, it wasn’t hard to assign the late wife a small, special place in my heart give the rest of it to Marathon Girl, and then go out and actually start a new chapter in my life.

Marathon Girl wanted to marry me but wasn’t going to settle for being number two or feeling like there were three people in our marriage. Once she saw that I was moving on (and not just talking it up), it was easier to accept my past and the fact that a small part of my heart would be always reserved for the late wife.

It also meant we both had to be willing make some sacrifices. For me it meant selling my house and moving to a place where we could start over. It meant that I wouldn’t spend as much time with friends and family of the late wife as I did in my old life. For Marathon Girl it meant a longer commute to work and postponing graduate school for awhile. We were willing to do all that and more because we valued our relationship (and future marriage) over everything else.

Looking back, I don’t have any regrets about putting Marathon Girl first. (I assume she’d say the same thing.)  By making her number one, we’ve been able to overcome the ups and downs that come with any relationship and will continue to do so as long we make each other a priority over everything else.

There are a lot of things that make our marriage work. But when it comes to the widower issue, it took both of us moving forward, making sacrifices, and starting a new life together. You both have to want to do these three things and then go out and do it (as opposed to just talking about it). If only one person in a relationship is willing to do those three things, then odds are it’s not going to work out.

Widower Wednesday: Grief Counseling

 

An emailer writes:

My [widower] boyfriend has a lot of feelings of anger/guilt/frustration/sadness that surfaces now a little more frequently than it did in the beginning of our relationship. I'm realizing he may not be ready for a relationship, sadly, just yet. However, in general, I do believe he could greatly benefit from grief counseling/therapy. I've mentioned this idea to him a couple times (as have many people), and he seems resistant to it. My question: is it a bad idea to continue to push this idea?

Don’t push it. Sending someone to grief counseling who doesn’t want to go is just as effective as a sending a drug or alcohol addict who hasn’t hit bottom to rehab. In order for any kind of counseling to even be remotely effective the person has to be willing to accept help. If your boyfriend doesn’t want it, pushing it is only going to make him resent you and others who are suggesting it.

I’m not a big fan of grief counseling. I think it’s been oversold as a solution to those who have lost a loved one. The loss of a spouse doesn’t make you a victim who requires professional help. Most people can work through the loss of their spouse without the help of a professional. Most people are better off without it.

From what I’ve read 6 to 12 months after a loss of a loved one, most people are doing just fine. Only 10% of widows/widowers will need some sort of grief counseling and generally they’re the ones who are still grieving after a year after their spouse passed.

There’s a new book by journalist Ruth Davis Konigsberg called The Truth About Grief: The Myth of the Five Stages and The New Science of Loss. Though I haven’t had the time to read it yet, Annie has read it and written a great summary of the book on her blog.  From what I’ve read on her blog and elsewhere, it seems to mirror my own conclusions from 2005 that grief counseling doesn’t benefit most people and it could be holding some people back from moving on.

Update: A reader, Ted, sent a link from a recent Time magainze article by Kongsberg. It's a good read. An excerpt:

Our modern, atomized society had been stripped of religious faith and ritual and no longer provided adequate support for the bereaved. And so a new belief system — call it the American Way of Grief — rose up to help organize the experience. As this system grew more firmly established, it allowed for less variation in how to handle the pain of loss. So while conventions for mourning, such as wearing black armbands or using black-bordered stationery, have all but disappeared, they have been replaced by conventions for grief, which are arguably more restrictive in that they dictate not what a person wears or does in public but his or her inner emotional state. Take, for example, the prevailing notion that you must give voice to your loss or else it will fester. "Telling your story often and in detail is primal to the grieving process," Kübler-Ross advised in her final book, On Grief and Grieving, which was published in 2005, a year after her death. "You must get it out. Grief must be witnessed to be healed." This mandate borrows from the psychotherapeutic principle of catharsis, which gives it an empirical gloss, when in fact there is little evidence that "telling your story" helps alleviate suffering.

Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widower 101

I know that there are some people who have been following my blog for a long time while new readers are reading it for the first time. This Widower Wednesday post is for those who are new to this blog and/or dating a widower.  The purpose isn’t to discourage you from dating a widower. Instead, it’s to answer some of the basic questions that come when dating a widower and help you discern those widowers who are ready to start a new life and those who are still grieving. I call it “Dating a Widower 101.”

• It’s normal for a widower to date weeks or months after his late wife’s death. Most men feel that their lives are broken without that special someone in their life. Dating is their way of “fixing” it. There’s nothing wrong with their desire to date again so quickly. Their timeframe may seem soon to you but it probably feels completely reasonable to them.
• Just because a widower is dating, doesn’t mean he’s ready to move on or make a long-term commitment to you. Widowers – especially recent widowers – are happy to have someone in their life and will jump into relationships that they normally wouldn’t get involved in. Keep your eyes open for red flags and other warning signs that he’s not ready to move on.
• Hold widowers to the same standards you expect for single or divorced men. If he treats you anything less than a queen, don’t put up with it. Grief is no excuse for bad behavior. If you tolerate their bad behavior, widowers will take full advantage of it and keep repeating the same behavior over and over again.
• It’s natural to feel curious about the late wife and their life together. Don’t be afraid to ask him questions about it. Not only will this give you insight into his past and how well he’s moving on, it can also help open up lines of communication that can address other widower issues. Open communication is vital if the relationship is to have any chance of working out.
• Widowers will get over their grief and move on when they find someone they want to start a new life with. They’ll take down shrines to the late wife, remove her clothes from the closet, sell their home or do whatever else it takes to make you feel like you’re number one in his heart. If he’s not showing signs of moving on, he’s probably not that into you. Consider moving on.
• The best way to make sure the widower is ready to move on is to take the relationship slow. Widowers who aren’t ready to move on or are just looking for someone to keep them warm at night can only put on a façade for so long. If you’re patient, their true selves will eventually emerge. If they’re not ready you can get out of the relationship with minimal heartache.
• Don’t be afraid to end the relationship you constantly feel like number two or the widower isn’t moving on. It’s hard to end things with someone you love. However, don’t get sucked into a relationship where you’re doing all the heavy lifting. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Not all widowers are ready to move on. Better to end things sooner rather than wasting months or years of your life with someone who isn’t ready to start a new life with you.
• Dating a widower isn’t for everyone. If there are issues that come with dating a widower you can’t handle, don’t continue dating one. This doesn’t make you any less of a person. We all have thing that we can or can’t put up with in a relationship. If a dating a widower is you don’t want to deal with, don’t trick yourself into thinking you you’ll adjust. You won’t be able to. Instead your life will quickly become a living hell.
• If you’re fortunate to date a widower who’s ready to make you number one in his heart, you’re in for a treat. Often this blog tends to focus on the negative aspects but I have received many success stories over the years. Widowers who are ready to start a new life generally don’t take life for granted. They realize how precious each moment in this life is and will make every moment with you special.

For those widowers and women dating widowers who have more experience dating a widower , is there anything else you want to add? Do so in the comments section below.

Widower Wednesday: Lying Widowers

One of the first dates I went out on after my late wife died was with a gorgeous redhead I met via an online dating site. We had exchanged maybe a dozen emails before deciding to meet and go out. Though she was aware of my widower status, it wasn’t something we had discussed in much detail.

We met at a local restaurant and for the first 20 minutes or so things were going okay. However, I noticed there were times it looked like she was trying to get the courage to say something or ask me a question. Since I was new to the dating thing, I wasn’t sure how to handle it. Instead of giving her some time to ask it or asking her what was on her mind, I kept asking her questions about herself or make small talk. Instead of helping, it just seemed to make her more uncomfortable.

Finally, near the end of the meal, she blurted out “How long have you been a widower?”

The question she had wanted to ask all night was finally out in the open. And, to be honest, it was the one question I didn’t want to answer—at least not on our first date.

I looked down and waited a moment before telling her. I wasn’t counting how long it had been since Krista died. I didn’t have to. Instead, I was trying to guess how she’d react when I told her that my late wife had only been dead five months.  It seemed whenever women found out how soon I was dating a brief look of panic crossed their face and I could see them wondering how on earth a man could be dating so soon. (I didn’t blame them for feeling this way. I spent a lot of time wondering why I was dating so soon too.)

As much as I wanted to tell her that my wife had been dead a long, long time so she would feel I had adequate time to grieve, I knew that I couldn’t lie to her. If the relationship was to have any chance at turning into something serious, I’d have to tell her the truth.

I answered my date’s question honestly and from the way her eyes popped out of her head, I knew there wasn’t going to be a second date. We ended the evening with a handshake and I never heard from the redhead again.

I share this story because I had two emails this week that dealt with widowers either lying about their marital status or lying about how long their late wife had been dead. One woman who emailed me asked if she should be worried that the widower has represented himself as divorced instead of a widower. The second woman wanted to know if it was a red flag that the widower said his late wife had been dead a year when the truth was she had been dead two months. In both cases, the women had entered somewhat serious relationships with widower before the truth finally emerged. I suggested both women immediately end the relationship.

Successful relationships can’t be built upon lies—small or big. The truth always comes out eventually. While it’s possible these widowers were worried the truth about their marital status would ruin any chance at a future relationship, my gut says that wasn’t the case since they seemed content to continue living a lie until they were finally confronted with the truth.

If a widower can’t be honest about  his marital status, there are probably a lot of other things he’s lying about too. While some widower infractions may warrant a second chance, widowers who build relationships on a foundation of deceit don’t deserve one more second of your time. It’s better to get out of these kinds of relationships as soon as possible instead of having to untangle yourself from a bigger web of lies down the road.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers Wearing Wedding Rings

First, if you’ve emailed me in the last week with a widower question and haven’t received a response, please be patient. I’m in the middle of proofing the galleysfor The Third. It’s a very slow and time intensive process and I’ve had to put all email replies to the backburner for the rest of the week. I’ll be catching up on emails next week.

Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday topic.

I receive two emails in my inbox about widowers wearing their wedding rings when they’re dating. One woman had just returned from a first date with a recent widower and noticed that he was still wearing his wedding ring on his left hand. The second was from a woman who’s been with a widower for several months. He’s been wearing ring on his right hand which hadn’t bothered the woman much until she learned it was the late wife’s wedding band. This made her feel very uncomfortable. Both women wanted to know if wearing the rings are a sign that these widowers aren’t ready to move on.

A ring is a symbol of his commitment to the late wife and their marriage. Once a widower has agreed to a serious, committed relationship with the new woman, the wedding ring should be removed from his finger put away. I would hope that most widowers would realize that wearing a wedding ring could cause a level of discomfort with the women they’re first dating and take it off beforehand. But not all widowers think of such things when the start dating again.

But is wearing a ring a sign the widower’s not ready to move on?

Well, it depends. I’m inclined to give the recent widower on the first date the benefit of the doubt. While I can see how that would make the woman he’s dating uncomfortable, I don’t necessarily see it as a sign that that he’s not ready to move on. The widower may not even give the ring on his finger a second thought. So, aside from the ring, if everything else went well, I don’t see a problem with going out again while keeping your eyes wide open for other signs he’s not moving on.

As to the second example, since the emailer made it sound like they’re in a committed relationship I think the ring should go. If the ring is the only red flags he exhibits, I’d be concerned but not too worried about it. I’d have a talk with him about the ring and let him know how it makes you feel. However, don’t ask him to take it off. That’s something he should want to do on his own. If he’s exhibiting other red flags in addition to the ring, I’d be more concerned.

As far as my experience goes, I never wore a wedding ring on my fingers when I started dating. Soon after my late wife died, I put it on a chain around my neck. I removed it once I realized it was coming between Marathon Girl and me. (Read Room for Two if you want the complete story.) I didn’t have a problem removing it and putting it in a box because I was ready to start a new life with Marathon Girl and couldn’t wait for the day I could wear a new ring that would symbolize our love and commitment to each other.

Widowers who are ready to start a new life shouldn’t have a problem removing it. While it’s just a public symbol, it is one that symbolizes a past life. Once they’ve started a committed relationship with someone else, it’s time to put the old ring away.

Widower Wednesday: Where to Bury the Second Wife?

An anonymous emailer writes:

Just a question about burial arrangements--where should the second wife be buried?  My husband was married for 12 years when his wife passed--he has a double place with double marker all filled in except his death with their children on the back.  We have been married over 34 years with 2 children together and can't come to a decision about what is "proper."

This is a good questions and one that I’ll admit I don’t have a solid answer, in part, because Marathon Girl and I have yet to resolve. (More on that in a minute.)

First, keep in mind that cemeteries and gave sites are for the living – not the dead. They’re places where friends and family can pay their respects and remember that person. The dead don’t care where you burry them. My guess is that they’ll have other things on their mind when they pass on to the next life.

That being said, my ideal solution is one where the widower dies and has a wife buried on either side of him—each with separate headstones. I lean this way solution partially because after the late wife died, I bought another plot next to hers and my family bought a couple plots in the same area. Putting me, Marathon Girl, and the late wife next to each other would be an easy, economical solution. (Side note: the cemetery where the late wife is buried doesn’t allow double headstones so that’s not an issue.)

Marathon Girl wants to bury me and her elsewhere. She has her reasons for this and I completely understand why she feels that way. I’m not offended by this and don’t take her desire as a slight against me, the late wife, or my first marriage. When the topic does come up I joke that whoever dies last will get their way. And, to be honest, unless we can come up with a solution, that’s probably what’s going to happen. It’s not a perfect but it’s not one that we don’t feel is worth arguing about—at least not right now.

For the anonymous emailer, it’s obvious that you’ve talked about the subject. I’d be curious to know what you’d like to do, what your husband wants to do, and why you can’t reach a compromise. Death and burials can be an emotional topic so my suggestion, if you haven’t done so already, is to find the widower’s emotions behind what he wants to do and see if you can reach some kind of compromise based on that knowledge. Just keep in mind that this is a subject not worth arguing over if it’s going to drive a wedge between the two of you.

I wish I had a more concrete answer about what is “proper” for the emailer and everyone else. This is a subject that I’d love to hear what solutions or compromises readers of this blog have reached. Please post your comments and I’ll update this post with insightful comments.

Update: Some great comments on this thread. Annie, Elizabeth, Brenda, and Vickie (did I forget someone?) all suggested cremation as an alternative. This gives people the option of scattering the ashes in more than one location or somewhere far, far away from either spouse. It’s something I hadn’t thought of mostly because it’s frowned upon (but not forbidden) in my faith but I think it’s a good alternative to think about. I appreciate you guys bringing it up.

The other point that Carol brought up and something I didn’t think about was honoring the new marriage. Commitment to the first wife spouse ends at death and when widowers remarry, our obligations change. (Of course one could argue that once the second wife or the widower dies, then their obligations change again. J)

Again this is a personal decision that should be discussed by both parties but one that I would hope wouldn’t cause an irreconcilable difference between a couple. In the end it doesn’t matter where the person is buried. When someone dies, he or she will always live in the hearts and minds of those who knew him or her and they can be remembered and honored wherever the living reside.