Widower Wednesday: Father’s Day

Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback on the Dating a Widower concept covers. I’m talking comments through the end of the week so chime in if you have an opinion.

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Sunday is Father’s Day. Though most recognize it as a day to honor the fathers in their lives, what many don’t know is that the mother of Father’s Day was one Sornora Smart Dodd, who organized the celebration in 1910 to honor her widower father.

Dodd's mother died in 1898 while giving birth, leaving her father, William Jackson Smart, to raise Dodd and her five younger brothers (including the newborn baby) on a remote farm near Spokane, Wash. While attending a Mother's Day sermon in 1909, Dodd decided that fathers deserve the same recognition.

That’s right, the modern Father’s Day movement was started to honor a widower who did his best to raise six children on his own.

Despite its’ roots in widowerhood, Father’s Day can be one of those days that many women are unsure what, if anything, should be done to recognize those widowed fathers that they’re dating.

Recently, I exchanged emails with a woman who wanted to recognize the herculean effort of a recent widower who was now raising a young child by himself but worried about overstepping her bounds. She tossed a few ideas my way and wanted to know if I thought any of them would work. I didn’t know what to tell her because I didn’t know the widower. Instead I advised her that she knew the widower better and me and to think of something that he would appreciate.

The key to successfully celebrating Father’s Day and just about any other special occasion is knowing that person. Every widower is different and each has his own things that he likes or doesn’t like to do. For some Father's Day might have been a big deal. For others little, if anything, might have been done to celebrate it. So some widowers might appreciate a small gift or a letter expressing your appreciation. Others may like to go out and catch a movie. Still others (like me) may want to spend a day at home with their kids and putting steaks on the grill. Some may not want to do anything.

If you don’t feel you know the widower well enough to guess, talk to him about it and ask what he’d like to do. See if he has any plans and, if he doesn’t, suggest some possible activities. Go with the flow and make sure you’re doing your best to make the day special for him the best you can. If you do that, odds are it will be a good day for both of you.

However you decide to recognize Father’s Day, at the very least be sure to let him know how much you appreciate how he’s handling everything on his plate. And you may also want to let him know that Father’s Day was started by someone who appreciated everything her widowed father did to raise her. That fact alone might make the day a little more special.

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Note: Grace Golden Clayton is sometimes credited with organizing the first Father’s Day celebration a few years before Dodd. However, Dodd’s celebration was more modern and she also worked tirelessly to make it an officially recognized day. To the victor go the spoils.

Widower Wednesday: The 6-Week Drop-Off Curve

Thanks to all those who responded to my questions about starting an independent discussion form on my website. For lots of reasons I’ve decided not to put one on my site right now. I might start one in the future but for now I encourage everyone to use the DAW Facebook group and/or the comments threads on the Widower Wednesday posts. For those members of the FB group, please keep in mind there are many women dating a widower who don’t have Facebook accounts and just use the comment threads in the Widower Wednesday columns for advice. I encourage everyone to browse through the comments on these posts and, if so inclined, give your insight to those who are asking for help.

Now on to today’s column. . . .

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Recently I’ve seen a lot of emails and FB posts from women who are in the early stages of dating a widower only to have the widower unexpectedly stop communicating or just call things off about a month into the relationship. Generally these relationships got off to a great start so most women are a little stunned when they suddenly come to a screeching halt.

In the dating world there’s something that’s known as the six-week drop-off curve.* In a nutshell the six-week drop-off curve is the length of time it takes for someone to get bored with the relationship and realize it’s not for them. In a relationship with a non-widowed man, most women would realize that the man simply wasn’t interested and move on. With widowers, however, women think that if the widower just has time to grieve, the relationship will get back on track. As a result, they wait around hoping the widower will eventually come to his senses and come back to them.

The six-week drop-off curve is why I advice women to approach the initial month or two of dating a widower slowly and with their eyes wide open. Widowers (and non-widowed men) can only fake interest in a woman or a relationship for so long. If they’re just looking for companionship, sex, or to fill a hole in their heart, it usually comes out in the first six to eight weeks of a relationship. Taking things slowly can help you avoid giving to much of yourself or your heart to a widower who doesn’t want the same kind of relationships as you.

For women who find themselves on the short end of the six-week drop-off curve, my advice is simple: Don’t wait around for the widower because odds are, he’s not coming back. And those who do return are generally interested only in sex.

The first thing you have to remember is that you’re dating a man not a widower. It doesn’t matter if the man is single, divorced, or widowed—the six-week drop-off curve applies to everyone. It doesn’t matter how well the first date went or how great your first time in the sack together was. If the widower gets bored or simply decides there’s no long-term potential for the relationship, he’ll end it.

Second, keep in mind that most widower who use the grief excuse for ending things are doing it because it makes breaking up super easy. Most widowers have learned if they say they’re still grieving, most women will give them a free pass. Yes, there are some widowers who are really grieving most widowers are to wussy to just tell you that he’s simply not interested in you anymore.

Third, once men end a relationship they generally go on with their lives. They don’t spend a lot, if any, time wondering if you’re still available, what you’re doing, or if you’re thinking about them. They get involved with work, watch a football game, or work on being a father to his kids. If you’re waiting around for him to come crawling back to you, odds are you’re wasting your time.

Fourth, widower who do contact you again after breaking things off after six weeks are generally lonely and are looking for sex or someone to pass the time with. Odds are they aren’t that interested in you or a long-term relationship. Getting involved with them simply opens you up for more heartache.

Remember, if a relationship is meant to work out, it will. Don’t get sucked into a widower’s mind or relationship games. Widowers are serious about starting a new life won’t play games with your heart. Instead, they’ll treat you like a queen.

* Length of time varies but most dating experts peg the drop off curve at 3-8 weeks.

Widower Wednesday: Feeling Like a Mistress?

A quick update on those who submitted stories for the Dating a Widower book: I’ve gone through and made the initial selection for the stories. If you’re stories been selected, you should get a formal email next week letting you know. There were lots of good stories and I’m still debating whether or not to include a section of stories at the end.

In the meantime, I realized that I forgot to ask if anyone has stories to share about online memorials to the LW. It’s a new chapter I created and yesterday I didn’t get any stories about that because—like an idiot—I forgot to ask for them. So if anyone wants to share a story about the problems caused by online memorials and how you overcame those problems, please email them to me. Stories must be submitted by Wednesday June 1. Thanks!

Also, if you have a minute, check out a great Miss Manners column on a family adjusting to a widower’s new wife. I thought Miss Manners’ advice was spot on. Hat Tip: Lindesy, who posted it over at the Dating a Widower Facebook group.

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Sometimes I’ll get emails from women who are dating a widower but feel like a mistress because the widower keeps their relationship a secret. When it’s just the two of them, he treats her like a queen. However, if there’s a party, vacation, dinner, or other activity where friends, family, or others who knew the LW might be present, the widower goes alone. Just a few of the excuses a widower gives for his behavior include:

• His family/friends think it’s too soon for him to start dating again
• His family/friends are still grieving
• If his family/friends knew he was in a relationship it would cause problems and he’d rather keep the peace
• It’s none of their business who he’s dating
• His family/friends are boring and doesn’t want to trouble them

Part of me can understand that a widower might not want others knowing that he’s dating again—especially if it’s soon after the late wife’s death. Often those who are closest to a widower have the hardest time seeing him with someone else. When I started dating again, I kept my activities from just about everyone.  However, there’s a difference between not telling someone about a date and hiding a serious relationship. Once a widower becomes serious with someone, the widower needs to let others know. It doesn’t have to be a big, formal announcement but he needs to let others know that there’s someone else in his life. The tone and the way the widower does this can go a long way to getting friends and family to open up to the new woman and the relationship.

What I don’t understand is why women put up with this type of behavior. And don’t tell me it’s because you think he’s a great guy. Great guys don’t treat their girlfriends like mistresses or call girls. Great guys aren’t ashamed of the women they’re dating. Usually they’re more than happy to introduce them to friends and family, take them out in public places, and pretty much want to show you off to the world.

So if you’re feeling like a mistress, it’s probably because you’re being treated like one. Unless you enjoy being someone’s secret lover, stand up for yourself. Life’s too short to waste it on men who aren’t willing to let the world know what a great catch they’ve found.  You deserve to be treated like a queen. Last time I looked, queens aren’t hidden from the world.

Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widower Discussion Boards

A big THANK YOU to all those who submitted a story to the forthcoming Dating a Widower book. I received over 100 submissions. I spent part of the weekend categorizing them and reading as many as time allowed. I still have another 50 or so to read through. I’m hoping to have final selections done in the next two weeks. If your story is selected, I hope to let you know no later than the first half of June.

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I’m short on time today so instead of posting some dating a widower advice, I’d like to get some feedback from readers of this column.

As many of you know, I’ve operated a Dating a Widower Facebook group for the last 18 months or so. For the most part the group has been a big success. Right now it has nearly 300 members and a very active discussion thread going on. (Feel free to join if you aren’t already part of it.)

Facebook has recently changed the way the groups work and have required group administrators to upgrade the groups or lose them. A couple of weeks ago I upgraded the DAW group. As a result this resulted in some changes to the group—some good, others not so good.

On the good side, the Facebook group is now totally private. No one, except for other members of the group, can see the posts. The changes also make it easier for members to see when there have been updates to the group. Since the upgrade, the number of discussion threads has increased dramatically.

The one major downside is that now that all discussion threads are posted on the group’s wall, it’s more difficult so sort through topics. Sometimes multiple threads with similar or the same topics are going on simultaneously.  As a result several members have asked if I’d be open to starting a discussion board on my site or elsewhere that’s easier to navigate.

Starting a private DAW discussion board on my website would be easy and affordable. All I have to do is push a button on the backend and pay an extra two or three dollars a month to keep it operational. Neither is a problem for me right now.

Personally, I’d rather keep the Facebook group going. The way I look at it people are more likely to visit their Facebook page than my site every day. With the group upgrade, seeing if there are new posts or discussion threads. My biggest worry is that having two discussion groups (my site and Facebook) would decrease overall participation. I’d rather have one strong, active group then two weak groups. However, I’m willing to consider starting one on this site enough people express interest.

So email me or leave comments below on what you think. Is the Facebook group good enough or would you rather have a discussion board--one that might take the place of the Facebook group? I’ll take comments over the next couple weeks and let you know of my decision by the end of June.

Widower Wednesday: Never Settle

FINAL REMINDER: Friday is the last day to submit your story for the upcoming Dating A Widower book. Thanks to all those who have already shared your story. I’ll start reading them this weekend and should have selections made by the end of the month. To submit your story, just send me an email.

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Going through the dating and marriage routine with Marathon Girl was a very different experience than dating and marrying the late wife. Since I had a fairly successful (albeit short) marriage the first time around, I had a better idea of what qualities any future spouse had to have and what trivial issues I could live with.

For example, something I looked for the second time around was someone who was good with money and could live within a budget. The late wife was pretty good with money (as am I) and it was nice not to have money worries hanging over our marriage. As I started dating again, I realized I’d have a hard time spending my life with someone who had a hard time controlling their spending or mountains of unpaid consumer debt no matter how pretty or smart she was. After getting to know Marathon Girl while we were dating, it was a relief to know she had the same view about finances, money, and spending as me. On the other hand, I could have cared less what kind of music Marathon Girl liked, whether she was a morning or a night person, or liked sushi. Those things weren’t important to me or having a successful marriage.

Sometimes I’ll receive emails from someone who’s dating a widower and even though he’s done a decent job of moving on and treating the new woman like number one, there are other issues that the woman is having a hard time with. For example, the widower may be a complete slob and the woman a neat freak. He may have problems with excessive alcohol consumption, drugs use, or pornography or issues with spending money wisely, getting it on in the bedroom, or finding steady employment. Other times it may boil down to different religious or political views may come between the couple. Whatever the problem is the question that is asked is whether or not it’s worth waiting around to see if he changes.

My advice is always the same: Never settle for a relationship with anyone if the person has any issue or habit you can’t live with. Dating a widower is more than just making sure he’s moved on and is ready to start a new life. It’s about knowing he is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with if he never changes.

We’re all imperfect and have bad habits and issues we’re struggling with. Some people try to improve their lives. Others are happy just the way they are. What you need to decide is whether or not the foibles and imperfections of the widower is something you can live with. When I married Marathon Girl I do assuming that there was a zero change she may never like sushi. Eight years in, she still hates it. However, I knew I could live with her and love her even if she hated it for the rest of our lives together. On the other hand, I knew I was marrying some who had similar values and beliefs as myself—something I couldn’t compromise on if I was going to happily spend the rest of my life with someone.

Life is short. We can choose to live it with someone who we can love or someone who will drive us crazy. Others may like relationship drama, but I prefer waking up next to someone who I can’t wait to spend another day together. Whoever you become involved in a relationship with, at some point you’re going to know whether or not he is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. It is at that moment we need to have the courage to either live with it or move on. It may not be an easy choice, but it’s one that can have a profound affect on the rest of your life. Therefore, choose wisely.

Widower Wednesday: Redefining Relationships

Just a reminder that there are nine days left to submit your story for consideration in the forthcoming Dating a Widower book. Though I’ve asked for a list of specific stories, you’re free to submit any story that that you think will help women who are dating a widower.

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One of the things I’ve learned over the years is the importance of relationships. In the writing and publishing world it’s amazing how far a good relationship with agents, publishers, editors, and other industry movers and shakers will take authors along the path of publication. It’s just as, if not more important, than being able to write and tell a good story. In the business world often business deals or hiring decisions made simply because of past relationships between two people. Whether the relationship is with family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, acquaintances, or complete strangers, how we treat and interact with people defines who we are and, I believe, will make up a good portion of how we’ll be judged by God in the next life.

Relationships aren’t static. As we grow older and experience life events, we’re forced to make changes that redefine relationships. For example, when I got married the first time, my relationship with my single friends changed. I still maintained the friendships but I ended up spending less time with them (or sometimes taking the wife along) because Krista was the top priority in my life. I had to make similar adjustments to relationships with friends and family when I married Marathon Girl. I never ended or lost any friendships when I got married either time but simply redefined how much time I spent with them.

One of the adjustments widowers have a hard time making is redefining relationships with the in-laws after they become serious with a new woman. At least once a week I’ll get an email from a woman saying she feels like number two because the widower still spends a lot of time with LW’s family or is involved in some annual activities and traditions with that family when she wishes they would start some traditions of their own.

From the emails I receive it seems that widowers who have a hard time adjusting the relationship with the LW’s family are those who were already on good terms with the in-laws when the LW was alive and/or those who grew even closer to the in-laws after their wife died. Often these widowers are oblivious that the amount of time they spend with the LW’s family is problem until the new girlfriend or wife mentions it.

Redefining relationships after a life changing event is tricky and I don’t claim to have done it well in every instance (more on that in a minute). I’m also not going to say how much time a widower who’s remarried or is in a serious relations with someone else should or should not spend with the LW’s family. There are too many factors such as children (if any), geography, and how open the LW’s family is to the new woman that make it difficult to give a definitive answer. However, successfully adjusting relationships involves knowing one’s priorities and communicating with others who may find their relationship changed the most.  A widower needs to know which relationship (new wife or GF, or LW’s family) is most important than organize his life and priorities accordingly while being man enough to lovingly let family, friends, and others know how his new life could affect the relationships. The widower also needs to understand that no everyone may be happy with his new priorities so he’ll need to have the courage to stand by what he thinks is important while letting those who are offended know that he values their relationship. It’s a delicate balancing act but one that needs to be done to successfully start a new life with someone else.

All this is probably easier said than done. I know it was easier for me to adjust the relationship with Krista’s family then it is for other widowers. First, there were no living children from my marriage to Krista. Also, for a variety of reasons, I never got along good with Krista’s parents. After our daughter’s funeral, I never spoke to them again. I did maintain relationships with Krista’s brother, her grandmother, and a few other family members but even those have gone by the way side. And I have no one to blame for that other than myself. It been about 18 months since I last spoke (well, emailed actually) Krista’s brother. When I tried to get hold of him last month to invite him to my book party, my attempts (email, phone, etc.) were unsuccessful. He has a new email address and phone number and I don’t have them. (No, he’s not on Facebook or other social media sites.) Though I have no regrets about making Marathon Girl and our family numero uno, I never intended my relationship with Krista’s brother to wither and die.

So to those widowers who have a good relationship with your late wife’s family, please understand that making a new life with someone else is going to require adjusting relationships not only with the LW’s family but with friends and others too. However, if you value these relationships, please do a better balancing act than I did. You won’t be able to please everyone but at least let them know how much they mean to you.

To women who find themselves feeling like number two to the LW’s family, please talk to your widower about this and let him know how you feel while being understanding that these people were part of his previous life and it’s unrealistic to expect him to simply boot them out of his life just because you’re in it.

Finally, Scott, if you’re reading this, please take this post as an apology. If you happen to read this, please send me an email. It’s been a while since we talked. I’d like to catch up.

Widower Wednesday: 5 Dating a Widower Questions

Just a reminder to anyone who wants their dating a widower story to be considered in my upcoming Dating a Widower book, you have until May 13 to submit a story. I’ve received a bunch of great entries so far and think that your additions will really take this book to the next level. I’ve read through all of them so far and will be making final decisions before June.

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Sometimes I get some dating a widower questions that can be answered in just a couple of sentences. I feel they’re too short for one Widower Wednesday post so I’ve decided to combine five of them into one post.

Q: My widower wants me to go on a weeklong vacation with him and the late wife’s parents. Should I go?

A: That really depends on if you think a vacation like that will hurt or help your relationship. If you get alone with the LWs parents and the widower does a good job of treating you like number one, then I don’t see a problem with it. However, if you feel like you’re going to be an uncomfortable or miserable time, or that you won’t enjoy the trip for any reason, don’t go. There’s no point in torturing yourself for seven days. Wish them all a good time and enjoy some time to yourself while they’re gone.

Q: Will a widower who breaks off a relationship come back after he’s had time to grieve and heal?

A: Probably not. Men have an amazing ability to overcome their grief when the right woman comes along. If he wasn’t able to make room in his heart for you now, odds are he won’t be able to do it after some away to grieve. Waiting around is going to lead to more heartbreak. I recommend moving on.

Q: The widower I love is involved in a lot of self destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, and gambling). What I can do to help him?

A: It’s sad when people chose to destroy their lives. However, there’s nothing you can do to make them stop. Usually people have to hit bottom or have something happen to them before they decide to change their lives for the better. The only thing you can do is offer them an alternative to their activities (e.g., a movie and dinner instead of a night at a bar or casino) and hope they want to be with you. Keep in mind that getting involved in the lives of people who are destroying themselves often end up getting hurt physically, financially, and/or emotionally.  I’d hesitate to get to close to anyone with these problems until they’ve done some serious rehab.

Q: I’m dating a widower who is also an artist and has several paintings of the LW in their home. He refuses to take them down because he says they’re some of his favorite work. What can I do to convince him to take them down?

A: I don’t think there’s much you can do. It’s his home and he can put whatever he wants on the walls. IMHO his actions are stating that he values the paintings more than your feelings. If you can’t live with the paintings on the walls and he doesn’t want to take them down, there doesn’t seem much point in continuing the relationship.

Q:  I’ve found your blog very helpful but there’s one issue you haven’t addressed. There’s a 22 year age difference between me (23) and my widower (45). Do you think our age will make a difference whether or not things will work out?

A: I think if two people are in love, age doesn’t matter. However, I do find older men (widowed or not) who date women young enough to be their daughters a bit creepy. You might want to really examine the relationship and make sure it’s fueled by love.

Widower Wednesday: Traveling with a Widower

Just a reminder to anyone who wants their dating a widower story to be considered in my upcoming book, you have until May 13 to submit a story. I’ve received a bunch of great entries so far and think that your additions will really take this book to the next level. I’ve read through all of them so far and will be making final decisions before June.

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An issue I’m seeing more and more often in my inbox deals with traveling with a widower. A woman recently emailed me and expressed her frustration that the widower wanted to take her on a week-long trip to Europe. The problem wasn’t that the widower wanted to take her on a trip overseas but that they’d be staying in the same hotels and visiting a lot of the same places that the W and the LW regularly visited together. The fact that they’d be doing so many things that the W and LW did that the woman felt like it wasn’t going to be “their” trip but a trip to relive times with the late wife. For the most part this woman felt like the W did a good job of making her #1 but felt that trip was making her feel more and more like a third wheel. She wanted a trip where they could create new memories that could be theirs alone.

When MG and I were first dating, I ended up taking her to places that the LW and I frequented. The reason I chose these places wasn’t because I was trying to relive the past, but because I knew the place well enough that I could ensure that we could have a good time, food, etc. there. After we got more comfortable with each other we started exploring new places to visit and restaurants to eat at.

When I read these stories, I wonder if the widower is doing this for similar reasons. My gut tells me most widowers may just be comfortable visiting the places he’s visiting. It’s much easier to travel when you already know the good hotels to stay, places to visit, and restaurants to eat at. The only thing that might raise my eyebrows is if the widower’s trying to take you to the place he scattered the LW’s ashes, was married or honeymooned with the late wife, or other emotionally significant event. If’s it’s a regular vacation or business destination, I wouldn’t be as concerned.

So what’s the best way to handle this?

My suggestion is to tell the widower how you feel about making the trip just like the one he and the LW and suggest maybe he change things up a little. For example are there different cities you could visit or different hotels to stay at or restaurants to eat. Maybe even do some research before hand and give him some suggestions so it doesn’t appear that you’re whining but excited to take a trip with him. I’m not saying the entire trip has to be different but add enough new elements that it feels like you’re exploring or staying at places for the first time together.

Most widowers who are ready to start a new life should understand your feelings and be open to making some changes. After all, starting a new life means creating new memories. Hopefully he’s not so stuck in his ways that a different experience is something he’d be open to.

Widower Wednesday: Share Your Dating a Widower Story

As I posted last week, my publishers wants my Dating a Widower book. Last week they sent me a book contract and we’re currently in the negotiation stages.

So why am I bring this up (again)?

My publisher has been following my Widower Wednesday columns very closely. They’ve really enjoyed reading experiences that reader like you have shared in the comment sections of the blog as well as two recent posts about dating a widower with minor children still living at home. In order to move the project forward, they want to include a couple of real world stories from women dating widowers with each chapter in the Dating a Widower book.

I think it’s a great idea. Your knowledge and experience will give the book additional real world advice that will make the book even more helpful to those looking for guidance on dating a widower.

The real life examples you submit can be either positive or “learning” dating a widower experiences or something in between. Basically we’re looking for any kind of story that can help women navigate the murky waters that come with dating a widower.

Though you’re welcome to write about any dating a widower topic, we’re especially looking for stories that can answer the following questions:

• How to get your widower to open up and talk to you about your relationship?
• How you overcame insecurities in the bedroom about being compared to the late wife?
• What have widowers done to make you feel like Number 1?
• When did you realize it was time to end the relationship with a widower?
• How did you deal with the widower’s adult children who weren’t accepting of their dad’s new relationship?
• How did you get the widower’s minor children to accept you as the new “mom”?
• How did you deal with special days like the late wife’s birthday, and wedding anniversary and other holidays?

To submit your story for consideration, send me an email. Please keep submissions to 500 words or less. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can sort them by topic better.) All submissions must be received by May 13, 2011.

The author of any story that makes it into the book will receive a free copy of the Dating a Widower book up publication. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.

If you have any questions about submitting a story let me know.

Thanks, and I’m looking forward to reading what you have to share.

Widower Wednesday: The Late Wife’s Facebook Page

Sorry for the late post today. I’ve been tied up in a bit of good news. My publisher sent a contract over for my Dating a Widower book this morning and I’ve spent some time reading through the contract and doing other Dating a Widower book-related things. There’s still some negotiation that needs to be done before anything is signed but it’s nice to know that an independent third party sees the value and need for this kind of book. Anyway, I’ll post a full update on the book on Monday as I’m going to need help from some of you to make this book a reality.

Now on to today’s column. . . .

A couple weeks ago when I was scanning some photos from my time in Bulgaria, I opened up one of my old photo albums and a picture of me and the late wife fell out. The photo was taken about six months before I left for Sofia and three years before we ended up tying the knot. It was a photo I carried around with me during my two years overseas.

Just seeing a photo of the two of us together took me out of the present and brought my mind back to the days when the photo was taken. I sat for a minute remembering those days (and how young I looked) then put the photo in a back cover of the album and continued with my photo scanning project.

I share this story because I’m increasingly getting emails from women who are having a hard time with the late wife’s Facebook page and/or the widower’s Facebook page. The problem isn’t that these Facebook pages exist but what the widower does on these pages.

When it comes to the late wife’s (memorial) page, for example, the widower’s girlfriend will look at the page and notice that the widower has recently uploaded some photos of the two of them on their page or left a comment on her wall saying how much he loves and misses her. Or on his own page, the widower will post photos of he and the late wife but no photos of he and the new woman exists on the page. Usually the woman talks to the widower about it and he tells her that he loves her and shouldn’t worry about it. The woman then feels like the widower’s actions show he isn’t ready to move and wants to know if she’s making a mountain out of a molehill.

My thoughts: I don’t have a problem with Facebook or memorial pages for the late wife or anyone else. The problem is that memorial pages that are easily accessible by the widower can cause him to focus on the past and what he lost instead of his new relationships and the potential future with that person. It’s too easy to be on Facebook, click over to the LW’s page, and get lost in a flood of memories and good times. I’m sure not all widowers have this problem, but based on the email flowing into my inbox, an increasing number do.

I’m not a big memorial person. I think people are best kept an remembered in one’s heart. Because of this, I have a hard time seeing the point of keeping a page of a deceased person up years after they’re gone. Facebook is something that the livings use—not the dead. If the LW’s Facebook page is causing tension in a relationship, the best solution would be to delete it. (This is something I’m requesting be done within a month of me dying. I will live on through my books, thankyouverymuch.) Deleting the LW’s Facebook page in order to make the new woman feel like #1 wouldn’t be a hard decision for me to make.

I also think it’s a red flag if he’s posting photos of his past on his own Facebook page but not mentioning you or posting photos of him and the new woman he claims to love. To me this is exactly the same as keeping his house full of photos of him and the LW but not posting new photos of the new woman or hiding her from friends and family. If the widower really loves you, he won’t have a hard time letting the world—even Facebook friends he barely knows—know that he loves you.

Just like a 15-year-old photo of me and the late wife sucked me back into the past for a few minutes, Facebook or memorial pages or websites can cause widowers to do the same thing. This can be especially hard for recent widowers or those who haven’t fully committed their hearts to the new woman.

There’s nothing wrong with remembering the past; there’s a time and place for that. It’s not good, however, to live in the past. If Facebook pages, memorial websites, or anything else is causing a widower to live in the past can cause more harm than good. If these are causing a widower to live in the past, it’s time for him to decide what he values more – a page on a website or a relationship with a real person.