Widower Wednesday: Listen to Your Gut

Over the weekend I got an email from a reader asking if she could write a guest Widower Wednesday column. She pitched a good idea so you’ll be seeing her post in a couple of weeks. Her email got me thinking and I’ve decided to temporarily open up my email box to queries from those who would like to contribute a WW column. It could simply be sharing your story (good or bad and what you learned from it), a guest column on a WW topic of your choice, or a response to a previous WW column I wrote. If you’re interested email me a short query and let me know what you want to share. As long as you have something worth saying, I’m happy to give you the green light to write something that will appear in a future column.

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When I was dating Jennifer (my first relationship after Krista’s death) something about the relationship never felt exactly right. I remember going home one night wondering why, among other things, that Jennifer didn’t make my heart flutter the way Krista did. But since we started dating a few months after I became a widower I ignored my feelings. I thought that my feelings would change once more time had passed and my heart had more time to heal. It wasn’t until started dating Marathon Girl that I realized that nagging feelings about Jennifer and our relationship were spot on. However, since I had never been a widower before, I made up reasons to ignore the promptings I felt every time I examined my relationship with Jennifer.

I tell this story because one of the patterns I’ve noticed in the emails I receive from GOWs and WOWs is that they often have similar gut feelings about their relationship, or at least one aspect of it, and are looking for some guidance whether or not their gut feeling is accurate. About 95 percent of the time, their gut feelings are spot on. However, because they’ve never dated a widower before they’re unsure whether or not they’re making a mountain out of a molehill or if they should even listen to their internal promptings.

A good way to figure out if there really is something behind your gut feelings is to ask yourself if you would have the same concerns if you were dating a single or divorced man. Another tip is to find a quiet spot where you can sit and think undisturbed for a period of time and run the feeling through your mind. A third way is to talk to a friend or family member whose opinion you trust and see what they have to say about your concerns. (Or These can help give you the perspective you need to decide whether there really is a problem.

So today’s recommendation is to always listen to your gut. If you feel there’s something wrong with the way the widower is treating you or the relationship in general, there’s probably is a problem. This doesn’t mean the issue can’t be resolved and solved but it does man you need to take a step back and examine the situation. In the end you’ll have to decide whether to listen to your gut, but simply ignoring it and not doing the necessary legwork to know whether or not your concern is valid is inviting disaster.

I would have saved a lot of pain and heartache for both Jennifer and myself had I listened to my gut all those years ago.  Most people have a very good sense when something isn’t right in a relationship—even if they can’t put their finger on exactly what it is. Ignore your gut feelings at your own peril.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers and Hookers

Note: As many of you know the order for personalized copies of Dating a Widower have overwhelmed supply. My latest shipment of books has finally arrived and all orders have now been fulfilled. Thanks to everyone for your patience. This time I ordered enough extra copies to meet deman for the next several weeks so if you order one, it will ship within 48 hours.

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From the email inbox comes the following:

I’ve been dating a widower for a couple months now. I recently learned that while his wife as on her deathbed he was posting online ads soliciting sex. After her death he “dated” a few high-end escorts. He said he was grieving, lonely, and didn’t want a relationship. The other day it came to my attention that during our relationship he has sought out other escorts though I don’t know if he’s met up with any. Is this normal grieving widower behavior?  He’s a great guy and very generous. I am hesitant to confront him but am very concerned for my physical health. Any ideas on how to bring this up?

No, soliciting prostitutes not normal grieving widower behavior. I know a lot of widowers and to my knowledge none of them have had to pay women for sex. They may have rushed into relationships before they were to get serious, but they weren’t out throwing money high end escorts or paying $20 street hookers on some seedy part of town either. Your BFs thing for hookers has nothing to do with grief and everything to do with sex. He’s using grief to justify his actions.

The fact that he cheated on his dying wife and might be cheating on you makes me think that this isn’t something he’s just been doing recently. He’s probably been soliciting sex a long before his wife got sick. Odds are he’ll continue to solicit sex (and probably meet up with them occasionally) even if becomes “serious” with you.  The question for you is would you tolerate this kind of behavior from a guy who was single or divorced? If not, why are you putting up with it now?

Finally, high class escorts can carry the same STDs as street hookers. By tolerating this behavior you’re putting your physical health at risk every time you sleep with him. So unless you want to get an STD, or something worse, stop sleeping with him immediately. The widower may be a great guy in lots of other ways, but is getting the latest strain of something really worth it?

So how do you broach the subject? Confront him with whatever evidence you have. Don’t beat around the bush. Just be sure your stuff is packed up ahead of time. Odds are he’ll admit his misdeeds and promise to change but all cads are good at acting contrite when necessary. You’re a queen. You can do better than someone who needs to sleep with hookers.

Widower Wednesday: Work and Grief

A New Jersey judge has ruled that a boss can tell a mother to remove her dead daughter’s photo and ballet slippers from her work cubicle.

Cecilia Ingraham's teenage daughter, Tatiana, died of leukemia in 2005, a few months before her Cornell University orientation. After a year and a half of keeping Tatiana's memorabilia in her cubicle, Ingraham's boss, Carl DeStafanis, told her it was "disruptive" and to please get rid of it.

DeStafanis told Ingraham that she could "no longer speak of her daughter because she is dead." Ingraham tearfully exited, filed for short-term disability after having heart surgery, and eventually resigned.

According to Ingraham's lawyer, Neil Mullin, this is a whitewashed version of events. DeStafanis was a high-level employee who Ingraham barely knew, and during the half-hour exchange DeStefanis was allegedly "relentless," as Ingraham fell apart before his eyes.

***

According to DeStafinis, several co-workers had complained that Ingraham's frequent mentions of her dead daughter made them uncomfortable. Mullin claims that he was able to prove that this was false testimony.

When Ingraham left the building, she started having heart palpitations and went to the hospital. There, she had a full nervous breakdown.

"She was in grieving before, seeing a grief counselor and getting to work everyday," said Mullin. "This was a shattering experience for her."

Ingraham decided to fight back. She got in touch with Mullin.

"It wasn't about the money," said Mullin. "As a father with children I was appalled that a high-level manager at a major American corporation would act in this sadistic way. To me, a grieving mother is a sacred thing."

Read the full article here.

I wish there was more information on this case because it sounds like both sides handled the situation poorly. That being said, from what I have read, I’m included to side with the boss on this one. My guess is that the real issue is that most people in the office felt uncomfortable being around her because she kept talking about her loss.

Most work places bring together people with different interests and backgrounds. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance from everyone to have a halfway productive and bearable work environment. That usually means subjects like politics, religions, and other personal matters are best left at the door or shared with those you know who feel the same way. I once worked in the same department with a guy who was going through a messy divorce. For months it was pretty much all he could talk about. Not only did his job performance suffer but so did his work relationship with everyone else. After awhile pretty much everyone avoided working with him, talking to him, or going out to lunch with him unless it was absolutely necessary. Everyone was so annoyed with his behavior that we were all secretly happy when wife took him to the cleaners.

At my current job a coworker recently lost an infant daughter shortly after her birth. He took a couple weeks of time off. When we returned, he was a little quieter than usual for about a month but soon returned to his normal workplace self. A photo of his infant daughter is pinned to his cubicle wall. As far as I know, the photo doesn’t bother anyone who stops by his cube but I also know he doesn’t constantly talk about his dead daughter. He’s done his best to put his life back together and move forward—at least from what I’ve seen at work.

Despite what Ingraham’s attorney says, a grieving mother (or father) isn’t a sacred thing. Loss doesn’t give one the right to impose his or her bereavement on friends, family, significant others, or coworkers.  Most people are sympathetic to the loss but only to a point. They have their own issues they’re dealing with and get annoyed when one person acts like they’re the only one with problems.

There’s a time and place for everything—including grief. If you need to create a memorial, it’s probably best to do it at home. If you need to talk about your loss, confide in a councilor, religious leader, or friend instead of a coworker. Try to make work a place where you can focus on something else for part of the day. Any loss can be difficult to deal with but unless you want to want to add the stress of being unemployed to your current trial, it’s in one’s best interest to find a way to make it though the workday one day at a time.

Hat Tip: Hitcoffee

Widower Wednesday: Parenting and Grief

A recent post on the Widowed and Remarried Facebook group caught my eye. A young widow is having problems with the late husband’s family moving on and worried how their behavior might affect her children.

Here’s her situation in a nutshell: It’s been three years since her husband died and every holiday or birthday gifts from the late husband’s family to her children is some sort of memorial to their late father. She’s worried 1) that the kids will start resenting these gifts and 2) these gifts serve as a constant reminder of their loss and hold them back from moving on. Her question was what the best way to let late husband’s family knows that these gifts are no longer appropriate.

The reason this post grabbed my attention is that I see a lot of this same confusion and hesitation in widowers when they’re dealing with issues involving the late wife’s family. For whatever reason many widowers have a hard time setting boundaries and saying No to the late wife’s family. In a lot of cases the late wife’s family becomes a surrogate parent to the kids which can make drawing a line in the sand even more difficult.

In a perfect world it would be nice to always have the guidance and thoughts from a spouse when it comes to parenting. But this world isn’t perfect and the death of a husband or wife isn’t an excuse for one to abdicate his or her parental responsibilities. Instead widowed folks often have to make the best decisions that one can by themselves. If the late wife’s family is involved in what you believe to be inappropriate behavior, gifts, or anything else you have a duty as a parent to let them know what is or is not acceptable and appropriate when it comes to your kids.

So how do you deal with memorial gifts coming from the late spouse’s family? You do it the same way you would if it was anyone else doing it: You politely ask them to stop. Explain to them that your children remember their mother (or father) just fine and these gifts, as well intentioned as they are, aren’t necessary. Hopefully they’ll respect your wishes. If they don’t, be prepared to state consequences if such behavior continues and then follow through if they continue to disregard your wishes.

Remember they’re your kids. Don’t let others stop them from adjusting to their new life and moving on.

Widower Wednesday: Selfish Grief

For those who missed it, Dating a Widower was officially released on Monday. It is available in paperback and major e-book formats. Signed copies are also available.

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After last week’s post, some of the subsequent comments and discussions on the Dating a Widower Facebook group got me thinking about grief and how, if left unchecked, it turns into a selfish monster.

Grief has a purpose. When a spouse (or anyone else we love) dies, there are natural feelings of sadness, anger, bewilderment, despair, misery, depression, and hopelessness. Everyone has a different way of expressing these feelings: some people cry, others are quiet, while others have to keep themselves busy. These feelings are natural and something we need to experience and get out of our system before we can start rebuilding our lives. Though the exact length of grieving time varies from person to person, most people are fine within a year after a major loss.

The dangerous aspect of grief is that is focuses all of our emotions and thoughts inward. Thinking about ourselves after the loss of a spouse isn’t a bad thing—at least not at first. We need time to find our footing again and figure out what direction our lives are going to take without that special someone in it. Often there are big decisions that need to be made that could affect the rest of our lives or our children’s lives and we need time and energy to think though the consequences of these decisions.

Problems arise when, after a time, we’re unable to look past ourselves and our grief. Instead of realizing that there’s a big wonderful world out there full of happiness and opportunity we think only of ourselves. We get so focused on ourselves and our problems we can’t see that there are people out there struggling with their own problems and issues. When this happens, instead of becoming a tool for us to move on, our grief morphs into selfishness. As a result we’re unable to move on and start anew. I see this time and time again in the emails from women dating widower widowers who want the benefits of a relationship but are unwilling to open their heart and give of themselves to the new woman in their life.

Because the sting of losing a loved one can linger with us for years, there’s nothing wrong with having an occasional bad day or bad moment. That’s not being selfish—that’s being human. We’re all prone to have a memory or an event trigger some emotions that we thought were dormant or buried. For example, even though it’s been nearly 10 years since Krista and Hope died, there are one or two moments a year when I let the tears fall. But I don’t let those few and far between moments make me think that the world owes me a living or that I can be rude toward Marathon Girl or our children because of my past.

Had I let grief morph into selfishness continued to think only of myself and my problems, I would have missed out on the two biggest blessings of my life: Marathon Girl and our kids. I also wouldn’t have published three books, live in the wonderful neighborhood we call home, or have all the other good things in this life.

So if you’re a woman dating a widower who can only think of himself and his loss, stop torturing yourself and move on. You deserve someone who will put you and your happiness before his own. There are plenty of good men (and, yes, other widowers) who will treat you like a queen. Find those men instead of wasting time with someone who thinks the world revolves around himself.

Widower Wednesday: Widower Times Two

Over the weekend I received an email from a man who has now been widowed twice. The first time it happened he was in his twenties. He rebuilt his life and now, some 40 years later, finds himself a widower again. He mentioned that doing this journey a second time was a lot harder the second time around. He gave two reasons for this: 1) his youngest child is about to leave the nest and won’t have anyone to care for and 2) he feels he’s too old to date again and start a new life. He asked if I had any ideas to help him find a purpose to his life again. I sent him off an email with some ideas but in hindsight wish I would have thought it out a bit more.

So here are some updated suggestions not only for this gentleman but any other widows or widowers of any age who are having a hard time finding a purpose to their life after their spouse has passed on.

• Volunteer at local hospitals, charities, soup kitchens, schools, churches, or other groups that could use an extra hand. It’s a great way to make friends, become active in the community, and help out cause or charity you believe in.
• Find a group of similar-aged people in your area that do things together. For example, I have a grandfather who played softball into his 70s. Part of it was for the exercise but, looking back, I think the bigger reason was just being able to hang out with guys he played ball with over the years.
• Take that vacation or trip you’ve always wanted to take but never did. Go see a new part of the world, take a long road trip, or throw a dart at a map and explore some random town.
• Help neighbors, friends, or family members who have financial, physical, or other needs. Everywhere I’ve lived there’s always been someone that’s been going through a hard time that needs help. It’s amazing what mowing their lawn, fixing a leaky faucet, helping someone clean their house, or just talking to someone for 30 minutes can do for people’s morale.
• Go back to school. If you have the time, take a couple of classes or retrain yourself with different skills. Develop skills that can take that hobby you’ve always done on the side and see if you can make a new career out of it. If you’re retired, try a part time job doing something else. Better yet, if you have marketable skills, find a way to share your knowledge with others (friends, family, neighborhood kids) who could benefit from these skills.

The best thing you can do is stop thinking about your plight and start thinking about ways to help others. Don’t let your marital status define who you are or what you can do with your life. Just because you lost a spouse doesn’t mean your life no longer has purpose. Widowhood isn’t something that people look forward to, but it often opens new doors and new windows that wouldn’t have remained closed otherwise. Take advantage of them and see where life takes you.

Widower Wednesday: The Late Wife's Friends

A reader writes in with the following situation:

My widower boyfriend is encouraging me to become close friends with the late wife’s friends. I have no problem with socializing with them at parties, family functions, and other social gatherings but I have my own set of friends. It is not that I dislike these people but somehow I feel that his suggestions is not necessary, inappropriate, and perhaps slightly controlling.

I think it best that the late wife’s friends and I remain acquaintances at events and leave it at that. That said if my boyfriend wants to keep in contact and meet up with them on occasion that’s fine but I don’t feel it’s my place to fill in the space left by the late wife.

Am I correct or do you think I should I try to become closer with the late wife’s friends?

I think you’re doing the right thing by being social acquaintances with them. I don’t see any reason you should become friends with them unless there’s a real reason for you to become friends with them.

However, I don’t think the widower’s intentionally being controlling. He’s probably hoping you’ll fit in with the people he and the late wife spent time.  When I finally reached the point where I felt comfortable introducing Marathon Girl to people Krista and I were friends with, there was a part of me that hoped Marathon Girl would fit right in with them. While everyone got along just fine with each other, there was something off about the get-togethers. After a couple of times hanging out together I realized that Marathon Girl was a different person and brought a different dynamic to the group. The friendship we shared with other couples couldn’t continue the way it had been no matter how much I hoped it would. This wasn’t a bad thing but added awareness that by making Marathon Girl number one, there were socials aspects of my life that were going to change too.

My suggestion is to politely tell your boyfriend what you told me—that you’re fine hanging out with his circle of friends at social functions but you have your own set of friends that you’re close to. In the meantime perhaps you can both work on about finding other people that you can both enjoy spending time with as a couple—one where his past and yours don’t get in the way.

Widower Wednesday: Pick up the Phone

I’ve noticed a growing trend when it comes to solving or discussing relationship issues with a widower. Instead of talking to each other, the couple will try to solve their problems via text messaging, instant messaging, or email instead of on the phone or in person. Often it seems when relationship issues are worked on through this method it seems like the problem is never resolved to either party’s satisfaction or misunderstandings occur and the problem gets worse.

All of these technologies are great communication tools but when it comes to relationship communication they can be easy for both parties to hide behind. It’s a lot easier to send a text, IM, or email instead of talking with someone about a problem. I know that when Marathon Girl and I are having a tough day it’s a lot easier for me to send a text to tell her something then pick up the phone. Yet, when I call her instead of typing out a message, we usually resolve the situation sooner and get back to loving each other again.

I’ve noticed the same thing with my working relationships too. At my day job I need to communicate people in Europe and Asia on a daily basis. When a task or issue comes up, usually it’s faster more convenient to shoot off an email or IM instead of picking up the phone. Because of time and language differences an email chain can drag on for days before I understand what the person needs or get some clarification on the project. This usually leaves me and the person on the other end frustrated. So at work I’ve made it a priority to pick up the phone and call people if I have questions about an email or task that’s been assigned to me. I’ve found that not only does it resolve or clarify the issue faster than email or IM, I’ve also have better work relationships with my overseas co-workers.

So today’s suggestion is if you have an issue or need to talk to your widower about a relationship issue, pick up the phone and call him instead of emailing, texting, or IMing him. (The same goes for widowers.) Better yet, if possible, do a face-to-face meeting so you can pick up on his non-verbal signals he may be sending. One of the keys to keeping a relationship moving forward is being able to communicate with each other.  Learning how to effectively do that in person or over the phone will help build those skills more effectively than text messages or other forms of electronic communication.

Widower Wednesday: The Sainted Late Wife Part II

Before we get into today’s column, I did want you all to know that Dating a Widower: Starting a Relationship with a Man Who’s Starting Over is done and will be available for purchase next week. I apologize for the delay but there are several marketing and PR things I had to get in order first before I make the official announcement. If you want to be the first to know, get on my email list or check this blog next week for the big announcement. If you want to pre-order a personalized copy, you can do so here. Otherwise

Now on to Part II of The Sainted Late Wife.

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One of the things I’ve noticed from reading last week’s and this week’s stories is how big of an influence the widower can have on whether or not the girlfriend or wife feels compared. When the widower doesn’t compare, it seems to make it easier for the girlfriend or wife to deal with “sainting” comments that friends or family may make. Ultimately it’s up to the GOW or WOW to recognize that the late wife was just as human as she no matter what anyone else says. However, widowers through their words and action can make this realization a lot easier.

Here are this week’s stories:

Betty's Story

LW was a very strong willed and hard-headed woman.  Given more time in this life, things would probably have smoothed out as she and Wâ s family/friends came to know each other better, but there was a fair amount of conflict in the short time that she was a part of his life.

And yet, I experienced my share of GOW angst--feeling as though I lived in the shadow of someone who would always be there, glowing perfection, no matter what I did.

Why?

So much of the comparison between a GOW/WOW and the LW takes place primarily in the mind of the new woman.  I realize that there are outside factors in some situations: maybe the W makes comments about how â LW did it this way,  or there are still shrines hanging in various homes.  But many of us also have an internal dialogue that tells us we will never be good enough to walk in the shoes of the LW.

About nine months in, I was at a point where I was ready to give up.  Much as I loved my W, I just couldnâ t take the feeling of being the second-best or replacement part.   My internal dialogue constantly reminded me that she was there first, and that I could never take her place.

My W happens to have a close relative who is a very unique person.  She's very blunt, but she is also by nature very kind.  I called her one day in tears, and let it all pour out.  She listened without judgment, and then she told me I was wrong.

Without being at all catty, she told me very frankly that LW was far from perfect, and that their marriage was also far from perfect.  Without ever having to say a bad word about either of them, she made me see that both of them were completely human and that their relationship was likewise a normal human relationship.  As she talked, I realized that she was right. I was trying to compare my totally human self with a completely inhuman ideal that had never existed.

I realize that not everyone is lucky enough to have a friend/family member who is able to speak truthfully to who the LW was.  But if you can find someone you trust, then I strongly suggest taking a leap and asking them some questions.  If there is someone whose discretion you can have faith in, and talk openly with, you have struck gold.

Even the most seemingly saintly woman was not a saint.  She had PMS and cranky days, just like you do.  She dented the car and burned dinner and pouted once in a while, just like you do.  It doesn't mean she was a bad person, any more than it means that you are--it means she was human.  And coming to terms with her humanity is the greatest gift that you can give yourself, and your W.

Alisha's Story

My husband has been very good to me.  There are two things that stand out in my mind that he has done to reassure me that he loves me for who I am.

First, before he proposed to me my husband spoke to his children and explained to them that he wanted to marry me.  He also explained that he could not keep pictures of his first wife displayed around the entire house when he was thinking of marrying another woman.  He had them help him take the pictures down and offered to help hang them in their rooms.  He did this about a month before he proposed, giving his children time to adjust to the change.

Second, he has always told me what he appreciates about me specifically.  Some times he tells me that these are areas his first wife did not do well in, so he appreciated these qualities in me so much more.  He has never compared the two of us, he has never bad mouthed his first wife, I know he still loves her very much but he has always done his best to make me realize what qualities I have that are unique and make me special in his eyes.

Annie's Story

[Note: These is an excerpt from Annie's blog (which you should all check out) where she describes living in the same home as the late wife. She gave me permission to share. I encourage you to read the full post here.]

The wives of polygamists refer to themselves as “sister-wives”. I think this is meant to impose a familial feel to circumstances that could easily dissolve into something competitive and downright ugly were it not for the veneer of a pseudo-relationship that the term implies. Despite my own negative views on the subject of plural marriage, I wonder if the term doesn’t more aptly describe my relationship with Shelley than any other.

***

I live in the house that Shelley called home. The colors on the wall and the decor are hers. The garden out back is the one she designed, which Rob dutifully spent hours creating for her, and the planters all around the front and back grew the flowers she planted. The next door neighbor was her very good friend and sang at her memorial.

Now the home decorations disappear, or are replaced, and Rob and I tend the garden together. The planters overflow in the warm months with blooms my daughter picked out, and she has adopted Shelley’s dear friend, following Charlotte around as she gardens and visiting via the back porch door which is nearly always open to her.

There is a room in the basement that until our recent garage sale was crammed almost to the ceiling with things that mostly belonged to Shelley once, and what wasn’t there sat on shelves and in cabinets and hung in closets upstairs and down. I helped her daughters go through those boxes of her clothes and what they didn’t want I sorted for donations, idly wondering if it was too creepy to claim the walking shorts I am certain would have fit me had I worked up the courage to try them on.

***

Sisters do not choose each other. They are born into families and learn to co-exist. Sometimes quite happily and lovingly. Sometimes not at all. More often than not such relationships fall somewhere in between mutual understanding and merely a shared heritage. Shelley and I did not choose each other. Rob chose us. First her and then me. Though today I feel that I have a life that is all my own, it still owes something to the foundations laid by this not quite sister of mine who I know only from the stories and actions of my husband and step-daughters. In my earliest days here on the Canadian prairie where I live in the abandoned shell of another woman’s life, I felt a presence that I can’t say for sure was hers but that seemed to be studying and watching. It was neither welcoming nor repelling. Just there. I haven’t felt that for a while. Perhaps I have been judged and found adequate. I choose to think so.

Read the post in its entirety.

Sunny's Story

W has not openly compared me to lw.  Whatever competition there is comes from me and my thoughts (i.e., I don't have red hair, I suck at golf, and I am not into public service, but rather a behind the scenes person.)

I feel the most insecure about these moments at W's house.  Never at mine.  When he is here, I am proud of the life I have and the confidence I feel on my home turf.

I imagine he does compare on some level.  But frankly I do too.  I also compare him to others i have known and loved . . . but not in a bad way.  More of a aha way . . . that this is different than what I've known and I like it.

Molly's Story

I have had so many comparisons made it's hard to write them all, some are direct like "Carol never wore pink nail varnish or lipstick." Others more subtle like, "They were perfect together and made for each other. It was such a sad thing to lose her, they were so in love!"

W has tried to reinforce my good points, the reasons he loves me, my qualities, kindness etc!  He continues to say I am not a replacement for LW and he has never seen me that why.  He says he makes his own choices an she has chosen me!  He has recently touched base with all his friends to discuss boundaries as too much was being said, too many comparisons being made!

Widower Wednesday: The Sainted Late Wife Part I

A joke that was recently posted on the Dating a Widower Facebook Group goes something like this:

In a hurry, the man walked out into the street and managed to snag a taxi that was passing by.

What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabbie said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?" asked the man.

"Bill Smith,” said the cabbie. “There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"I don’t believe you," the man said to the cabbie. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabbie. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabbie.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" the man asked.

"I married his widow," the cabbie replied.

***

I think most people who are dating a widower can relate to the above joke. Often it seems like the late wife was the most perfect person who ever lived.  Yet the late wife was just as human as everyone else and had her faults and bad moments too. The problem is that after someone dies those who are left behind usually remember only the good things about the deceased. This can make it hard for those who are dating a widower to feel like they can never be as good a wife or mother as the dead.

So what’s the best way to deal with it?

I’ve tried several times to come up with my thoughts on the topic but have been unable to come up with I consider helpful. Instead, I’ve asked readers to contribute stories about how they’ve dealt with it. I received so many good ones that I’m going to make this a two part essay. Look for another for or five essays on this topic next week. Hopefully you find their stories helpful. If you have a story you want to share, it’s not too late. Email it to me by Monday and I’ll include it in next week’s column.

Anabelle’s Story

I am fortunate that my soon-to-be husband has never, ever made comparisons between me and his late wife, nor has he laid down expectations that I do things the way she did them. (Ditto with his friends and family, who have been nothing but supportive of our relationship and welcoming toward me.) He has always loved me for who I am, and has told me so time and again. In fact, as much as he loved his late wife, he was thankful that widowhood gave him the opportunity to fill his life with new experiences and people.

So what do I have to add to the discussion of the sainted dead wife? Perhaps worse than the widower or his friends and family making comparisons is this: You making those comparisons and judgments on your own. I fell into that trap, and it took me a while to get out.

Deb seemed like super woman in my eyes. She kept horses, she quilted, she was a talented athlete and a loving mother, she was an amazing gardener, she worked the farm with her husband, she could drive a tractor with finesse and confidence, she endured 17 years of chemotherapy, surgeries, hospitalizations and pain/discomfort that accompanied her cancer, and she never complained or said "Why me?"

I used to wonder, how can this wonderful man put up with me after 23 years of living with a brave and intelligent woman like her? I am scared of horses, I have never driven a tractor (even now that I live on a farm), my gardening prowess is mediocre at best, I am terrible at sports, and I am grumpy as hell if I don't get a good night's sleep. I am also impatient, have no mechanical aptitude and sometimes feel as if I have no confidence in myself.

My fiancé is also the first to acknowledge that Deb could be a hard-ass, she had a cantankerous relationship with their son, she gave up early any attempts to have her own career in the field she had studied, and though she could grow flowers, she could not arrange them in a vase to save her life.

In essence, Deb was a human being, and so am I. She had strengths and weaknesses, accomplishments and failures. So do I.

I realized I was only taking inventory of my weaknesses when I compared myself to Deb. I overlooked my strengths. These include making a successful career doing what I love, being financially self-sufficient, making a wonderful life as a single person with good friendships and meaningful activities, and having the tenacity and discipline to be able to ride my bicycle 100 miles in a day. I think Deb would have admired these accomplishments, just as I admire and respect hers.

But more importantly, I learned that if my fiancé didn’t compare me to Deb, then I shouldn’t either, whether the comparisons are based on positive attributes or negative ones. Admiration and respect are good. Comparisons are crazy-making.

Both my fiancé and his late wife have taught me this valuable lesson, and have helped me appreciate my self-worth without making comparisons to anyone.

Nina’s Story

I feel as though I am the most fortunate wife of a former widower on the planet. My husband has not once verbalized a comparison between his LW and me. I have never even been given the impression that he was doing such. He has never said or done a single thing to make me feel anything less than number 1.  So of course then, I never had problem with LW comparison, right? Wrong.

Instead of outward comparisons or contrasts from my widower or their friends, it happened internally. I did it to myself. I always wondered where I stood- how I measured up. I never knew the woman. I only had tiny snippets of her life that I collected from various conversations over time. Some of them include:

• Her laughter could light up a room
• She was always so kind
• You never saw her without a smile on her face
• While she battled cancer, her first thought was always about others
• She loved to help others less fortunate

How in the world could I compete with that? I figured my W thought, "Well, Nina's all good and well. She's a fine ol' gal, but she's no LW."

I certainly couldn't ask how I measured up. I had to deal with that demon on my own- in my own time- in my own way. I almost had to get to know her in my own way, grieve her loss in my own way, and then finally move on without her presence... in my own way.  So, I had to lose her too. Now I no longer resent her for simply being here before me. She doesn't constantly eat at my conscience. She just simply- was.

Andrea’s Story

Practically growing up with his LW has been one of the toughest things to deal with while dating my W. I’m compared to her very often. She and I were best friends in High School and the years afterward and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding to my current boyfriend. We shared a lot (never thought it would be a love interest). We dated for the first time together, drove for the first time together, graduated together, found first loves around the same time, etc. She and I were close as friends that grow up together can be.

When she died, a part of me died. I was there for her family and friends, including her very young widower. When he and I started seeing one another in a different light, just six weeks after she passed away, no one was prepared or ready to deal with that. When people started to find out about us, many jumped to conclusions that W was replacing her with me, since we were similar in so many ways.

There is no way to sugar-coat the way I felt—it hurt. I am an individual, with thoughts and opinions, expressions and features that are all my own. Some things she thought were funny/silly/stupid/good/bad and I didn’t agree. There are still so many things that we did have in common. I did worry about where the W’s mind was when he took a liking to me so soon after she passed away. Was he out of his mind? Was he really into me or was he just needing that attention and affection? Did he like me because I knew her and knew how much he loved her a missed her? Did he pick me because I just happened to be available at that time? Did this happen because God has a plan for us? So many questions that I had no answer for.

Her family had and still has a hard time with us. At first, they felt like I was robbing Matt of his grief. They thought, “Well, Molly has a bubbly personality, and so did LW, so maybe she just temporarily fills that hole for him.” They loved her with everything they have, and are more traumatized by this because of her surprise death at the young age of 26. At her funeral, and most funerals, the clear message was how wonderful, sweet, kind, loving, joyful she was. Now, throw in that her husband, six weeks later, has a new lady in his life. She (me) can never be a perfect as this woman that hundreds of people are mourning. She doesn’t hold a candle to this icon that reigns with perfection of womanhood, marriage, loyalty, etc. She is the bad guy and has taken this precious dedication of life of the LW and smashed it into the ground. At least, that’s how they may have seen it.

I’ve coped with being compared to her and to not ever being able to match up to her for them. That is something I will never be able to be compared to, nor do I want to. However, when it comes to my boyfriend, he has ended comparing us. He has seen that I am me, individually me, with my quirks, passions, desires and dreams that are all mine and he loves me for that. Originally, I appealed to him because I was available, but over some time and deep thought on this situation, he began to love me as me, not because I was her friend.

Sarah’s Story

I think many of the comparisons are all in our heads.  For example, I would imagine he was thinking about her when I was helping him cook in her kitchen and judging me lesser cooking skills.  I would imagine he was thinking about her when a love song would play.   I would imagine he was thinking about her when he was intimate with me comparing our body differences.   I would ask questions about her and then i wish i didn’t know because I would them have more ammunition to compare myself to her.

He is still very close with her family.  When I attended their events I would imagine they were comparing me to her and thinking I wasn’t good enough for him.  My W carried a picture of his LW in his wallet.   It's her picture from the year they met.  She's absolutely beautiful. This picture made me feel so inadequate. I was never that beautiful in my youth.  Or at least I never felt I was.  But who knows if she felt the same about herself. We are all pretty insecure and self conscious.

I realize now that was only my own insecurities coming out.  Thinking back I can't recall anyone ever actually comparing us, at least not to my face.  It really was all in my imagination.  i was really the only one comparing the two of us. It's all that negative self talk that we GOW's have to stop ourselves from dwelling on.