Widower Wednesday: Bad Talking the Late Wife

Throughout my Widower Wednesday columns I’ve always suggested you tread carefully when talking about the late wife. For example, when talking about redecorating the widower’s home so it feels like yours instead of theirs, I strongly suggest you avoid criticizing the late wife’s taste in furniture, carpet, dishes, paint colors, or anything else when asking for changes. Rather, a better approach is to figure out what you can or can’t live with and work with the widower to update the things in the home you’d like changed. If the widower says something that makes you feel second best in comparison with the late wife, it’s better to simply remind the widower that you’re not the late wife instead of responding with something that puts the late wife down.

Recently a GOW send me an email and brought up a couple of situations that had recently come up with her W. She asked if there was a time when it was okay to say something less than positive about the late wife. The answer is NO. There’s never a good time to say something bad about the late wife. Ever. Criticizing her tastes, the way she kept house, raised her kids, or anything else about her is a battle you’ll never win. Even if your comments and observations are 100 percent accurate you run the risk of looking petty, jealous, and getting on the widower’s bad side. Widowers are well aware of his late wife’s faults but like any man doesn’t enjoy having a woman he loves criticized—even if the criticism comes from someone he loves just as much.

Refraining from criticism doesn’t mean you think the late wife was a saint or that you should only say nice things about her. Sometimes it’s better to simply bite your tongue and say nothing rather than say something that could damage your relationship with the widower. I can’t recall any time in our relationship that Marathon Girl has said anything bad about Krista even though she’s well aware of Krista’s failures and shortcomings. When Krista does come up in conversation instead of criticizing, she frames things in such a way that lets me make the call. For example, she might ask, “Didn’t Krista do __________?” or “What did Krista do when ________?” and let me make a comment on the subject for  better or worse.

So when it comes talking bad about the late wife (or anyone else for that matter) keep your head above the muck and zip your lips. Life’s too short to tear others down. Instead work on strengthening your relationship with the widower and building each other up. Relationships grow when they move forward. Don’t intentionally say things that will set it back.

Widower Wednesday: The Love of My Life

Hard copies of Marrying a Widower arrived yesterday. If you pre-ordered a copy, shared your story in the book, or served as a beta reader, your copy was mailed this morning!

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From The HuffingtonPost comes the following experience of one woman’s marriage to a widower:

 I do not need for my husband to tell me that I'm the love of his life. Which sounds like some dirty hippy swinger talk. But it's not. It's being married to a widower talk.

My husband's first wife, Hannah, died over 12 years ago. She was beautiful, kind and talented. And I'm not just saying that because you can't say things like "she was bearded, mean and caustic" about the deceased. (Though I'm sure there will be a few of my closest friends summing me up with, "She did go on and on... and my GOD the anger" after I'm gone.) Hannah was an amazing woman and her and David were together for over 10 years and had a son.

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The words "WIFE" and "MOTHER" were off limits to me. They were TAKEN. And it's not David's fault because I had aggressively advertised myself as a woman who wanted no promises. I'd gone through a divorce and I hated promises. The Fed Ex guy couldn't even tell me that my package would arrive by 4pm without me pleading... "Please... no. Don't say that. What happens happens. Let's just be okay with the mystery." But I was living with David and Jack and I was a part of their daily lives. I wanted to know where David placed me in his heart.

So I cornered him the bedroom one day while he was putting away his socks. His back was to me as I casually asked him, "Isn't it odd that if we end up staying together that you'll go down in history as the love of my life?" He stopped putting his socks away and turned around and stared at me with what looked like sadness in his eyes and said "Awwww. That's so nice". He had said it to me like he pitied me. Like he'd turned around and found a little baby bird with hearing aids lying on his bed. At that moment I realized that he couldn't say it back to me and I was devastated. It took me months to stop telling every friend and taxi driver how I was with a man who would never be able to tell me that I'm the love of his life.

Read the whole story at The HuffingtonPost and thanks to Ted for the tip.

Fretting about where you stand in relationship to the late wife is never a good thing. The widower should be treating you in such a way that there’s no doubt in your mind that he loves you unconditionally. The author is apparently okay with the fact that she’ll never be the love of her husband’s life. While that may work for her, I don’t recommend settling for second place in anyone’s heart.

The human heart has a great capacity for love. Both Krista and Marathon Girl are the loves of my life.  Krista was the love of my life back when she was alive. Marathon Girl is the love of my life now. There's not an order to which one comes first in my heart. But since Marathon Girl is with me now, my love, thoughts, and feelings for her occupy 99.9 percent of my heart and mind. I feel blessed to be married to Marathon Girl have five wonderful kids with her. I wake up every morning grateful to have her lying next to me and I can’t image my life without her. She is the love of my life and will continue to be so long as we’re both alive.

Your widower should feel likewise.

Widower Wednesday: A Book for Widowers?

Marrying a Widower is now available in paperback and all major ebook formats. You can read the first chapter here. Thanks to all those who contributed stories, served as beta readers, or otherwise helped make the book a great guide to tying the knot with a widower. I hope all those who read it find it helpful.

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Now that Marrying a Widower is done, I’m finalizing the rest of my writing plans for the year. After taking a break from book-related writing for the next 30 days or so to deal with a big event, I’ll be finishing off a novel this summer then working on another non-fiction book that I’d like to have done by Thanksgiving. The non-fiction project wasn’t widower or relationship related and thought it would be a nice change of pace from my last two books. However, since I announced that Marrying a Widower was available, I received at least a dozen emails from GOWs, WOWs, and widowers asking when I’m going to writing a book about dating and moving on for widowers.

I’ve received requests like this from time-to-time but haven’t thought seriously about writing a book about it because it seems like there are lots of books on the subject already. If you search on Amazon you’ll see at least a dozen advice-type books written for widowers who are looking to date and start a new life. Besides, men are less likely to read these books or, at the very least, express an interest in reading them. I really don’t want to put the time and effort into this kind of book if there’s no real interest from widowers or anyone else reading it.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the existing books on this topic aren’t very good. Perhaps there are lots of widowers out there who want something but are just keeping quiet about it. That’s why I’m writing this: I want to hear from GOWs, WOWs, and—most importantly—widowers about writing this kind of book. I’m more than willing to put off my current non-fiction idea and write a book specifically for widowers (a man-to-man type of book) about dating and moving on providing that I get enough feedback and interest in writing one.

What I’d like to know is:

1.  What do you you think about existing books on the subject? Are they helpful? If not, what are they missing?
2. What topics you would like to see included if I was to write such a book?
3. For widowers I’d like to know your interest level in reading such a book and what perspective do you think I could add that’s not addressed in current books on the topic.
4. From GOWs and WOWs, I want to know why you’d be interested in reading such a book. Is it something you’d find beneficial or is it something you’re looking at giving Ws simply because you might be frustrated with your current relationship?

Leave any thoughts you have in the comment section below or feel free to shoot me an email if you don’t want them public. I’ll take feedback for the next two weeks on this topic and let you know then whether or not I’ll make this book my next non-fiction project.

Widower Wednesday: Marrying a Widower Chapter 1

Below is the first chapter of Marrying a Widower: What You Need to Know Before Tying the Knot. The book will be available later this month in paperback and all major ebook formats. You can pre-order a personalized copy here.

Chapter 1: The End Game

Widowers become involved in serious relationships for different reasons. Some miss the late wife and want someone to “be there” to help alleviate the empty feeling in their lives. Others want someone who will be on call for an occasional roll in the hay, to cook their meals, or to babysit their kids. And, believe it or not, there are even widowers who are looking for someone they can spend the rest of their lives with. Whatever his reason for wanting a relationship, it’s important that you both have the same end game in mind. For example, if you want to get married, but he prefers living together, or he’d be happy with a nebulous, open-ended friendship, you’re going to waste months or years of your life with someone who’s never going to give you the love and happiness you deserve.

While it’s important to be on the same page in any relationship, it’s doubly important to make sure a widower has the same relationship goals. Many men will settle for a relationship with a woman they don’t love simply because they’re lonely. Almost every widower I’ve talked to has, at some point, started a serious relationship because they wanted companionship. These widowers keep the relationship going until they tire of it or until someone better comes along. They leave behind lots of broken hearts and women who feel used.

Sadly, I’ve made this very mistake. Less than a year after my wife, Krista, took her own life, I became serious with a good friend named Jennifer. I promised her the world and implied a life of happiness together. I started that relationship because my heart ached for companionship, and having someone in my life who wasn’t a perfect fit was still a hundred times better than being alone.

When things started to get serious with Jennifer, I thought I loved her—or at least, I had strong feelings that I thought would turn into love. It was nice to have someone to talk to and a warm body to hold, even if I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with her. As time went on and my feelings for her only become more ambivalent, I tried to convince myself that I loved her. I rationalized my lack of love toward her as a sign that I was still grieving. All I needed, I thought, was more time to grieve, and things would eventually work out. It wasn’t until Julianna came along that I realized I never really loved Jennifer in the first place.

If you want to avoid being the woman who gets used by a lonely widower, you need to make absolutely sure you and he both want to get married—to each other. The sooner you can do that, the better off you’ll both be.

There are several ways to know how the widower really feels about you. The best and most obvious way is through his actions—not his words. If he always treats you like a queen, it’s a good sign that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. But more often than not, a widower will send mixed signals. For example, he may call you every day, but still have photographs of the late wife all over the house. Or he may wine and dine you every night, but won’t stop talking about the late wife and the fantastic life they shared together. This makes it hard for a woman to know where she stands.

Find time when the two of you can have a serious conversation about where you see the relationship going. This can be a scary step, because there’s always a chance the widower may not give you the answer you want. But knowing the truth, even if you don’t like it, is better than wasting part of your life with someone who is with you because he doesn’t want to be alone.

Keep in mind that one talk probably won’t do it, either. Julianna and I had several big talks at different points in our relationship. We had our first conversation about six weeks after becoming exclusive, another when Julianna realized I was still wearing a necklace with Krista’s ring on it, a third when I accidently called Julianna by Krista’s name, and a fourth during a six-hour drive home from a marathon she ran. There were probably lots of smaller talks in between, too. Sometimes I found them uncomfortable, because Julianna was worried about whether I was really ready to commit. However, because we were able to openly discuss what we wanted from the relationship, our discussions helped us move toward our goal of marriage. Knowing that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me made it easier for me to make room in my heart for her. It also helped me focus on starting a new life with her and served as a gut check to ensure it was something I really wanted to do. The more we talked about marriage, the more excited we became about taking a walk down the aisle together. So when I finally did ask Julianna to marry me, the proposal itself wasn’t a total surprise. We’d talked enough that she knew I’d eventually ask her to marry me, and that when I did, she would say “Yes!”

How Soon Should You Have the Talk?

Over the years, I’ve had people ask me how long they should wait before having this talk with the widower. The truth is, there’s no set timeframe. As a rule of thumb, if you’ve been seriously dating for several months and you can see yourself marrying him, there’s nothing wrong with bringing up the subject—and it doesn’t matter how long the late wife has been dead, either. Julianna and I had our first “Where is this relationship going?” talk about a month after we started dating seriously, about nine months after I became a widower.

Don’t worry about having the talk too soon and scaring him away. You’re both adults, and you should be able to have adult conversations. Talking about the future isn’t a proposal. It doesn’t mean you have to get married the next day. It’s better to know sooner, rather than later, if you both want to get married, so you can work toward that goal or move on with your lives.

Know What You Want Before You Talk

Before you talk about your future together, it’s vital that you know where you see the relationship going. Do you want to get married, or do you want something more casual? If you can’t clearly define what you want from the relationship, don’t bring up the subject until you can. It’s unfair to the widower to expect him to talk about a possible future together if you don’t know what you want.

Beware of the Grief Card

Widowers willing to settle for companionship with women they don’t love will often play the grief card when talks about the future arise. They’ll say things like they’re still grieving, or that they need more time before they can figure out what they want. If a single or divorced man said something similar, most women would hesitate to take the relationship any further. Widowers, however, tend to be given more leniency when it comes to opening their hearts, and a woman will move forward despite the widower’s inability to articulate how he really feels about her and the relationship.

The truth is, widowers know how they feel about the woman they’re with. Those who know they want to get married again don’t have a hard time saying it—even if they’re still mourning the late wife. I dated Julianna less than a year after Krista’s death. My heart was still tender, and I was still grieving. There were times before or after a date with Julianna when I’d cry my eyes out. Despite being an emotional wreck at times, I knew I didn’t want to spend my life with anyone but Julianna. I also knew that the only thing keeping us from getting married was my own sorrow and sadness, so I worked as hard as I could to forgive Krista and move on with my life. I did it because I knew that the reward of taking Julianna by the hand and exchanging vows would be well worth it. Widowers who feel the same way about you will do the same. A widower unable to make room in his heart for the woman he’s dating has no business being involved in a serious relationship.

Widowers Act How They Really Feel

Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between widowers looking for companionship and those who want to get married. The best way to know how he really feels about you is to pay attention to his actions, not his words. Any widower can proclaim his love, or say he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Only a widower who really loves you will treat you like the only woman he’s ever loved. Widowers who talk a good talk, but don’t really have your best interests in mind, will eventually betray themselves through their own actions.

When I was dating Jennifer, I said lots of wonderful things I didn’t mean. For a while, I was able to back up my sweet nothings with actions: I called her every night, flew down to see her on a regular basis (we lived several hundred miles apart), and sent her emails throughout the day. But eventually, I couldn’t put the physical effort into the story I’d weaved. I stopped calling her as often, made excuses why I couldn’t fly down, and sent fewer and fewer emails. Despite this, I continued to tell her that we had a future together, and she continued to believe it.

If you have any doubt about how the widower really feels about you, pay close attention to how he treats you. Those who are sincere about tying the knot will align their actions with their words. They’ll do everything in their power to make you feel like the only woman they’ve ever loved. Widowers who are in relationships for their own selfish reasons will be able to put on an act for only so long. With these men, sooner or later, you feel like you’re competing with a ghost.

Have the Courage to Walk Away

If you believe he doesn’t have the same relationship goals as you do, don’t be afraid to walk away. Some women hold on to a relationship that’s not going anywhere because they think the widower will change his mind or eventually grow to love them. Don’t fall into this trap. Love doesn’t work that way. If he can’t fall in love with you after several months or so of serious dating, he never will.

Never settle for a relationship with anyone who can’t give you top billing in his heart and mind. If you settle for second place, you’ll never be truly happy. Life is too short to waste on someone who can’t treat you like you deserve to be treated. If you wait for the widower to come to his senses, the relationship will eventually end, and you’ll have nothing to show for it. Have the courage to walk away. You’re a queen and deserve to be treated as such.

Widower Wednesday: Giving Books to Widowers

Marrying a Widower Update: The manuscript was sent off to the second proofreader last night. It is scheduled to be back in my inbox sometime this weekend. After I do a final review I’ll send it to the designer for typesetting and start working on converting it to various ebook formats. Right now it’s looking like two weeks before I’ll have copies in my hands. You can pre-order Marrying a Widower here if you’d like to get a personalized copy as soon as they arrive.

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With Marrying a Widower just a few weeks from being released, I’ve received lots of inquiries from GOWs and WOWs about whether or not it would be beneficial to give that book or some of my other books to their widower to read.  Giving widowers books about, grief, dating again, or moving on is a hit or miss proposition. Based on feedback I’ve seen on discussion boards or in my inbox, widower are either really open to the idea of reading these kind of books or get upset that his girlfriend thinks he needs to read one. (I say this as someone who probably would have been a little offended if Marathon Girl had tried to give me a book about dating when we were seeing each other.)

Obviously, you’d like a book to help or enhance your relationship instead of destroying it. So if you’re thinking about giving your widower one of my books or a some other book about dating or moving on, here general guidelines to consider before taking that step.

Read the book first. Please, please, please, read any book about grief, dating, or remarrying before you give it to your widower. Don’t just give him or buy him a book without knowing what’s in it. Every book is written to a specific audience and a unique perspective. You want to give him a book has a point of view that you more or less agree with. For example, if the widower has photos of his late wife all over the home that are making you feel like second best, the last thing you want to do is give him a book that says having photos of the deceased spouse up is wonderful and will strengthen your relationship. Besides, a widower will be more likely to read the book if you say you’ve read it first.

Present it to him in the right way. There’s a time and a place for everything. Even though you may be anxious for him to read a book, sometimes waiting a couple days or even a week or two for the right moment to talk about it can increase his receptiveness to reading it. For example if the widower is stressed about work or family related issues, it may not hurt to wait until some of that dies down before you add something else to his plate.

Not everyone is a reader. I intentionally make my relationship books short because I know lots of people don’t like to read. I figure if the book is on the short side the more likely they are to read it. If there is just a chapter or two that you think the widower needs to read, suggest he read those chapters instead of having him read the entire thing. As the old saying goes, it’s a lot easier to eat an elephant one bite at a time instead of all at once. For some people a bite or two might be all they need.

The book should be able to start a discussion, not solve problems. All the books in the world aren’t going to solve relationship problems. A good book about dating a widower, for example, should help GOWs and WOWs evaluate your relationship with your widower and, if you choose to share it with him, start a discussion. If there are issues that need to be addressed it’s up to both of you to figure out the best way to solve them. Just because a widower reads the book you give him, doesn’t mean a light is going to go on in his head or that he’s going to agree with it. Relationships that last take a lot of work. Hopefully any grief/dating/moving on book you both read will help of you address certain issues, communicate better, and motivate you to take the next step in your relationship.

In the end it’s up to the widower to pick up the book and read it. But you can make that option more enticing for him. Hopefully he’ll be open enough to at least read a book or a couple chapters so the two of you can talk about it.

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If you have any success or horror stories or horror stories about giving a widower a book about dating again or moving on, please feel free to share them in the comments below. A lot of good insight has been shared in the comment section of other Widower Wednesday posts.

Widower Wednesday: How to Talk to a GOW

Marrying a Widower Update: I finished the second round of edits to Marrying a Widower on Monday. The book is now in the hands of a grammar guru/proofreader. Once the proofreading is complete it will be typeset and formatted for eReaders. If things go as scheduled, it should be released in approximately two weeks. The book will be available in paperback and all major eReaders (Kindle, Nook, etc.). Personalized copies will also be available for purchase at my store for those who want them.

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Every so often I get an email from a friend or family member of a GOW who’s worried about their friend/sister/daughter’s relationship with a widower. They claim to know the widower isn’t ready to move on and is just using their friend or family member for his own selfish purposes. They’ve tried talking and reasoning with their loved one but no matter what they say to the GOW, she refuses to heed their advice and seems oblivious to the red flags that everyone else sees. They want to know what the best way is for them to get this person to listen to them and out of the relationship before she gets her heart broken.

For the sake of this discussion, let’s assume that the concerned party is correct and the GOW is in a relationship with a widower who doesn’t really love her. How do you get someone like that to see the light?

Even though there is no one-size-fits-all solution to how to talk to someone, it’s been my experience that approaching these situations is with love, kindness, and understanding that the person is free to make their own decisions goes a lot farther than a direct confrontation. We’re all different and respond to criticism and suggestions differently. Some people may respond to direct criticism well, but most don’t.

For example, I think most of you know that my late wife, Krista, killed herself. Though no one knows the exact reason she did it, the best answer I have was is that it was from an undiagnosed mental illness. About a month before Krista died, her brother realized that something was seriously wrong with her. At least once a day I’d get a call from him updating me on Krista’s latest antics and trying to tell me she needed help. Even though he was right about Krista’s behavior, he was usually condescending when talking to me and treated me like an idiot for not seeing the same thing he did. As a result, I hated talking to him and refused to take his input as seriously as I should have. In my mind he was over analyzing things. Krista was pregnant after all, why couldn't he see that this was just a hormonal change instead of a mental issue? If her brother would have approached the situation differently, I might have taken his concerns more seriously.

It’s impossible to say whether or not Krista’s death could have been prevented or even postponed had I headed his words. However, I do know that if her brother had simply calmed down and approach the situation differently, I might have listened to what he was saying. Instead, he was so sure that he was right, it was easy for me to tune him out and dismiss his concerns.

I’ve learned over the years of responding to emails from GOWs and WOWs that they tend to listen to what I have to say if I guide them to the answer about their situation instead of just telling them that he’s not ready to move on. One thing that Marathon Girl does extremely well knowing how to talk about things with me about important issues in our marriage. She’s very good at making me think through the problem instead of telling me what she thinks I should do or what she wants me to do. As a result, 95% of the time we arrive at the same conclusion without any hurt feelings or fights.

So consider how you’re approaching the situation with the GOW. Are you doing it in such a way that they’ll listen or tune you out? Are you constantly giving them unsolicited advice or beating them over the head with it so they don’t want to talk to you anymore or tune you out like I tuned out Krista’s brother?

Even if you approach the situation the right way and with nothing but love and kindness in your heart when you talk to them, the GOW may not listen. Ultimately you have to accept fact that people are free to make their own decisions—even if that eventually bring them unhappiness and misery. For some people, making bad choices and learning the hard way via personal experience is the only way they’re going to learn. As a parent I’ve seen that many times with my own kids who lose privileges and because they refuse to do their chores or homework and lose privileges. My own parents could probably tell countless stories about dumb decisions I made both as a kid, a teen, and an adult despite their best attempts to warn me about the path I was walking.

If someone refuses to listen, don’t give up. Just realize that at some point you have to drop it and let the relationship work itself out for better or worse. But if it does end badly and everything you told them would happen comes to pass, don’t tell them “I told you so!” when they come crying to you for support. Give them a hug and let them know you still love them and will always be there for them. That way if another tricky situation comes up they’ll listen to what you have to say or even go out of their way to seek your advice.

Widower Wednesday: Abundance vs. Scarcity

For those who missed it, the final Marrying a Widower cover can be viewed here. The book will be available next month. I hope to have an exact release date soon.

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Over the last couple weeks I’ve been emailing back and forth with a woman who’s been dating a widower for nearly two years. For the last six months she’s realized that the widower isn’t ready to give her the kind of relationship that she wants. Even though she knows he’s not ready to make her number one, she’s still having a hard time leaving him. With her permission, I quote from one of her emails the reason why she won’t end it:

I know that in some ways I’m settling but I don’t know if I can ever find someone else who will even treat me halfway decently. The widower’s may not make me number one but he’s not abusive nor does he have any bad habits. I dated off and on for years after my first marriage ended in divorce and most of the available men had serious problems I didn’t want to deal with. I feel like if I leave him and start over that I either won’t be able to find someone or end up with someone who won’t treat me right. Plus, I do love this man with all my heart. I don’t know if I have the strength to go through another relationship.

Some of you may be familiar with the scarcity vs. abundance mentality. It was coined by Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. For those who haven’t heard of it before, Covey defines those terms as follows:

Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else. The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life.

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The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flow out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity.

So what does this have to do with Dating a Widower?

I often read emails from women who are willing to settle for unsatisfactory or unrewarding relationships but hesitant to leave them. There are lots of reasons for this but they usually express sentiments similar to the concerns the email sent me. They’d rather settle for half a loaf then patiently look for someone that can make them truly happy. These attitudes are the relationship version of the scarcity mentality. It’s a mentally I know very well.

When I started dating again after Krista’s death, I felt like damaged goods. I didn’t think there was anyone out there who would want to marry a young widower. One of the reasons I got into a relationship with someone I really didn’t love was because I thought I my widower status made me less than desirable to women. I figured that settling for half a loaf was better than getting nothing. Thankfully, I met Marathon Girl and realized that I had been selling myself short.

Granted, a mental paradigm shift won’t fix a relationship or guide you to someone who will treat you like a queen. However, it’s how you mentally approach a problem that helps you decide what action, if any, to take. If you’re unhappy with the person you’re dating but don’t think you can do any better, odds are you’re not going to take the necessary steps to improve your situation. Conversely, if you believe that there’s someone who will treat you like a queen, there’s little incentive to stay in a less than fulfilling relationship

So if you find yourself in a relationship with a widower who’s not ready to move on, marry you, or otherwise give you the relationship you want, don’t think so little of yourself that you end up settling for someone who doesn’t really love you. It’s a big, big world out there with endless possibilities. In the end if you stay with someone who won’t make you number one, you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.

Widower Wednesday: Reprise

Thanks to everyone who voted for their favorite Marrying a Widower cover. Depending on how fast the graphic designer can turn the cover around, I’m hoping to post the final cover on the website sometime tomorrow.

Also, I need to get the final Marring a Widower manuscript off to the second editor tonight. As a result, I'm posting a previous Widower Wednesday column below. A new column will appear next Wednesday.

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The Sainted Late Wife Part I

A joke that was recently posted on the Dating a Widower Facebook Group goes something like this:

In a hurry, the man walked out into the street and managed to snag a taxi that was passing by.

What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

“Perfect timing,” the cabbie said. “You’re just like Bill.”

“Who?” asked the man.

“Bill Smith,” said the cabbie. “There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time.”

“I don’t believe you,” the man said to the cabbie. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Bill,” said the cabbie. “He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”

“Bill was really something, huh?”

“Oh, yeah,” continued the cabbie. “Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”

“No wonder you remember him,” the man said.

“Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabbie.

“Then how in the world do you know so much about him?” the man asked.

“I married his widow,” the cabbie replied.

***

I think most people who are dating a widower can relate to the above joke. Often it seems like the late wife was the most perfect person who ever lived.  Yet the late wife was just as human as everyone else and had her faults and bad moments too. The problem is that after someone dies those who are left behind usually remember only the good things about the deceased. This can make it hard for those who are dating a widower to feel like they can never be as good a wife or mother as the dead.

So what’s the best way to deal with it?

I’ve tried several times to come up with my thoughts on the topic but have been unable to come up with I consider helpful. Instead, I’ve asked readers to contribute stories about how they’ve dealt with it. I received so many good ones that I’m going to make this a two part essay. Look for another for or five essays on this topic next week. Hopefully you find their stories helpful. If you have a story you want to share, it’s not too late. Email it to me by Monday and I’ll include it in next week’s column.

Anabelle’s Story

I am fortunate that my soon-to-be husband has never, ever made comparisons between me and his late wife, nor has he laid down expectations that I do things the way she did them. (Ditto with his friends and family, who have been nothing but supportive of our relationship and welcoming toward me.) He has always loved me for who I am, and has told me so time and again. In fact, as much as he loved his late wife, he was thankful that widowhood gave him the opportunity to fill his life with new experiences and people.

So what do I have to add to the discussion of the sainted dead wife? Perhaps worse than the widower or his friends and family making comparisons is this: You making those comparisons and judgments on your own. I fell into that trap, and it took me a while to get out.

Deb seemed like super woman in my eyes. She kept horses, she quilted, she was a talented athlete and a loving mother, she was an amazing gardener, she worked the farm with her husband, she could drive a tractor with finesse and confidence, she endured 17 years of chemotherapy, surgeries, hospitalizations and pain/discomfort that accompanied her cancer, and she never complained or said “Why me?”

I used to wonder, how can this wonderful man put up with me after 23 years of living with a brave and intelligent woman like her? I am scared of horses, I have never driven a tractor (even now that I live on a farm), my gardening prowess is mediocre at best, I am terrible at sports, and I am grumpy as hell if I don’t get a good night’s sleep. I am also impatient, have no mechanical aptitude and sometimes feel as if I have no confidence in myself.

My fiancé is also the first to acknowledge that Deb could be a hard-ass, she had a cantankerous relationship with their son, she gave up early any attempts to have her own career in the field she had studied, and though she could grow flowers, she could not arrange them in a vase to save her life.

In essence, Deb was a human being, and so am I. She had strengths and weaknesses, accomplishments and failures. So do I.

I realized I was only taking inventory of my weaknesses when I compared myself to Deb. I overlooked my strengths. These include making a successful career doing what I love, being financially self-sufficient, making a wonderful life as a single person with good friendships and meaningful activities, and having the tenacity and discipline to be able to ride my bicycle 100 miles in a day. I think Deb would have admired these accomplishments, just as I admire and respect hers.

But more importantly, I learned that if my fiancé didn’t compare me to Deb, then I shouldn’t either, whether the comparisons are based on positive attributes or negative ones. Admiration and respect are good. Comparisons are crazy-making.

Both my fiancé and his late wife have taught me this valuable lesson, and have helped me appreciate my self-worth without making comparisons to anyone.

Nina’s Story

I feel as though I am the most fortunate wife of a former widower on the planet. My husband has not once verbalized a comparison between his LW and me. I have never even been given the impression that he was doing such. He has never said or done a single thing to make me feel anything less than number 1.  So of course then, I never had problem with LW comparison, right? Wrong.

Instead of outward comparisons or contrasts from my widower or their friends, it happened internally. I did it to myself. I always wondered where I stood- how I measured up. I never knew the woman. I only had tiny snippets of her life that I collected from various conversations over time. Some of them include:

• Her laughter could light up a room
• She was always so kind
• You never saw her without a smile on her face
• While she battled cancer, her first thought was always about others
• She loved to help others less fortunate

How in the world could I compete with that? I figured my W thought, “Well, Nina’s all good and well. She’s a fine ol’ gal, but she’s no LW.”

I certainly couldn’t ask how I measured up. I had to deal with that demon on my own- in my own time- in my own way. I almost had to get to know her in my own way, grieve her loss in my own way, and then finally move on without her presence… in my own way.  So, I had to lose her too. Now I no longer resent her for simply being here before me. She doesn’t constantly eat at my conscience. She just simply- was.

Andrea’s Story

Practically growing up with his LW has been one of the toughest things to deal with while dating my W. I’m compared to her very often. She and I were best friends in High School and the years afterward and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding to my current boyfriend. We shared a lot (never thought it would be a love interest). We dated for the first time together, drove for the first time together, graduated together, found first loves around the same time, etc. She and I were close as friends that grow up together can be.

When she died, a part of me died. I was there for her family and friends, including her very young widower. When he and I started seeing one another in a different light, just six weeks after she passed away, no one was prepared or ready to deal with that. When people started to find out about us, many jumped to conclusions that W was replacing her with me, since we were similar in so many ways.

There is no way to sugar-coat the way I felt—it hurt. I am an individual, with thoughts and opinions, expressions and features that are all my own. Some things she thought were funny/silly/stupid/good/bad and I didn’t agree. There are still so many things that we did have in common. I did worry about where the W’s mind was when he took a liking to me so soon after she passed away. Was he out of his mind? Was he really into me or was he just needing that attention and affection? Did he like me because I knew her and knew how much he loved her a missed her? Did he pick me because I just happened to be available at that time? Did this happen because God has a plan for us? So many questions that I had no answer for.

Her family had and still has a hard time with us. At first, they felt like I was robbing Matt of his grief. They thought, “Well, Molly has a bubbly personality, and so did LW, so maybe she just temporarily fills that hole for him.” They loved her with everything they have, and are more traumatized by this because of her surprise death at the young age of 26. At her funeral, and most funerals, the clear message was how wonderful, sweet, kind, loving, joyful she was. Now, throw in that her husband, six weeks later, has a new lady in his life. She (me) can never be a perfect as this woman that hundreds of people are mourning. She doesn’t hold a candle to this icon that reigns with perfection of womanhood, marriage, loyalty, etc. She is the bad guy and has taken this precious dedication of life of the LW and smashed it into the ground. At least, that’s how they may have seen it.

I’ve coped with being compared to her and to not ever being able to match up to her for them. That is something I will never be able to be compared to, nor do I want to. However, when it comes to my boyfriend, he has ended comparing us. He has seen that I am me, individually me, with my quirks, passions, desires and dreams that are all mine and he loves me for that. Originally, I appealed to him because I was available, but over some time and deep thought on this situation, he began to love me as me, not because I was her friend.

Sarah’s Story

I think many of the comparisons are all in our heads.  For example, I would imagine he was thinking about her when I was helping him cook in her kitchen and judging me lesser cooking skills.  I would imagine he was thinking about her when a love song would play.   I would imagine he was thinking about her when he was intimate with me comparing our body differences.   I would ask questions about her and then i wish i didn’t know because I would them have more ammunition to compare myself to her.

He is still very close with her family.  When I attended their events I would imagine they were comparing me to her and thinking I wasn’t good enough for him.  My W carried a picture of his LW in his wallet.   It’s her picture from the year they met.  She’s absolutely beautiful. This picture made me feel so inadequate. I was never that beautiful in my youth.  Or at least I never felt I was.  But who knows if she felt the same about herself. We are all pretty insecure and self conscious.

I realize now that was only my own insecurities coming out.  Thinking back I can’t recall anyone ever actually comparing us, at least not to my face.  It really was all in my imagination.  i was really the only one comparing the two of us. It’s all that negative self talk that we GOW’s have to stop ourselves from dwelling on.

Widower Wednesday: Cover Suggestions

Instead of dishing out advice this Wednesday, I'm asking for your help. I'm working with a designer on the Marrying a Widower cover but seem to be hitting a brick wall. We've gone through several rounds of designs but I'm kind of stuck on how to make it better. The cover below is the latest design. Though I like the two rings, something about the angle of the woman's ring isn't quite right. But I guess I've looked at this an similar concepts so long, I can't think straight.

So check out the cover below and ask yourself the following questions:

• If the woman's ring has a better position, would that work?
• Is there another universal image that would signify marriage aside from wedding rings?
• Anything else that would make the cover more attractive?

Keep in mind that since this is a follow-up book to Dating a Widower I'd like to keep some of the same branding elements in place so readers will know the two books are connected. Also I'm still working on a subtitle. The one on this cover isn't final. Anyway, please send me your suggestions. I could use a good dose of insight and creativity now. Post your thoughts in a comments below or send me an email.

Widower Wednesday: Testing the Water

Marrying a Widower update: I’ve gone through and selected the stories I’m using for the book but haven’t sent out any notifications emails because I’m in the process of editing a few of them. So if you haven’t heard back from me, don’t worry. You should have the email about your story this weekend.

Also, I got the bloodied manuscript back from the editor on Monday. I’ll finish up rewriting the manuscript based on her suggestions tonight then send it off to a handful of beta readers (who are all married to widowers) for their input. The book is still on track for publication sometime in April.

***

The other day I got an email from a GOW whose widower just asked her to move in with him. Though she loved the man and wanted the relationship to move forward, she was hesitant to start living with him because of the way the widower made the request. He said living together would be a good test to see how compatible they really were. The fact that the widower felt the need to test out living together instead of using it as a stepping stone toward marriage made the GOW pause. She asked if his desire to test things out was a red flag she should be concerned about.

You can’t test a lifelong commitment or try out unconditional love. Either people know the relationship is going to work or they don’t. And it doesn’t take living together for months or years to figure it out if two people are compatible. I knew within a few weeks of dating Krista that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with her. With Marathon Girl I knew on the second or third date that she was the one for me. I never had the desire to “test” the relationships because I knew that I could be happy spending my life with either of them. Maybe others don’t know that fast, but a good chunk of my married friends (male and female) knew they could be happy with their eventual spouses within two or three months of dating. They may not have rushed to get married after that realization but there wasn’t any doubt in their minds that that had found someone they could be happy with for the rest of their lives. Of my friends who choose to live together before tying the knot did it more out of convenience or to spend more time together—not because they weren’t sure if things were going to work out.

Widowers who want to live together as some sort of test drive are expressing their true doubts and concerns about the long-term potential of the relationship. If you’re going to start living together there shouldn’t be any doubt in either of your minds that you can see yourself spending the rest of your lives together. Love and commitment don’t need to be tested. They’re either part of a relationship or they aren’t. So unless you have your own misgivings about the relationship, moving in with a widower as a test drive isn’t a good idea.