WW Late

I apologize for the lack of a Widower Wednesday column yesterday. I'm in the middle of some major projects at work and the 11 hour day yesterday didn't allow for me to write something up. I hope to have something up soon. Thanks you guys, I have plenty of topics to write about and lots I want to say. Stay tuned and thanks for your patience.

Widower Wednesday: Sex with the Late Wife

First, thanks to everyone who left suggestions for future Widower Wednesday columns. There were a lot of great ideas presented and you’ll see them in future columns over the next couple of months.

Second, our move was successful. It was an all day, arduous event but we finally got everything unloaded last Wednesday. Right now we’re in the process of unpacking and getting settled in. And we’re so happy to finally have our own place. More on the adventures of life in our new home will be posted soon.

Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday . . .

Readers of this column know I’m a big proponent of learning how to communicate with your widower about relationship issues. A lot of widower-related relationship issues can start to be solved just by taking the time to talk to the widower about what’s on your mind and how his actions (or inactions) affect you and your relationship.

I also believe that to have a healthy relationship, people being able to talk about anything and everything with their partner. Being able to talk with someone about what’s on your mind with someone who will actually listen and talk with you about something is a necessary component to any healthy relationship.

However, I’m going to make one big exception: Don’t ask the widower about his sex life with the late wife.

Recently a couple of mailers inquired about the widowers past sex life and immediately regretted learning more. For example, one woman asked her widower what the most sexually adventurous thing he’d ever done with the late wife. The answer shocked her so much that she seriously thought of ending the relationship because she couldn’t get a certain image out of her head. A second woman (who apparently had a couple of drinks) started asking her widower about how sex with her compared with sex with the late wife. After listening to several detailed stories about what it was like to make love to the late wife, she stood up and left with tears running down her face thinking that she’d never be able to be as good as the late wife in bed.

Discussing the widower’s past sex life (or yours for that matter) is as poisonous to any relationship as having a ton of photos and other reminders of the past all over your home. The intimate moments between a couple should stay between them. Period. What they did together in their intimate moments has no bearing on your current relationship. What’s important is how you two enjoy each other now as opposed what he used to do with someone else.

For the widowers who read this column, if your girlfriend or wife asks about your sex life with the late wife, don’t answer it. Tell her that what you and the late wife shared in the bedroom was between the you and her and, like any intimate relationship you currently have, it’s not to be shared with others. And please don’t voluntarily bring up information about your past escapades with the late wife or others. You’re asking for nothing but trouble if this information gets out.

Unfortunately, I can speak to personal experience about this. I let something about my love life with the late wife slip early in my marriage to Marathon Girl. Even though it was a little thing it made Marathon Girl feel like in one small way she couldn’t measure up. Yes, we worked through it and our love life is fine thankyouverymuch, but it was an issue we wouldn’t have had to deal with if only I had kept my big mouth shut.

So when it comes to the widower’s past sex life, don’t ask about it and don’t tell anyone about it. It’s not important to your current relationship. Concentrate on each other and your current need. Your relationship will be stronger because of it.

 

Widower Wednesday: Call for Topics

If you’re reading this, then I’m spending the day moving the family into our new home. Since I won’t have time to write a Widower Wednesday column today, I thought I’d see what topics you’d like addressed in a future column. Requests I’ve received over the last week that I’ll be addressing in the next few weeks include:

  • Why widowers shouldn’t get a memorial tattoo
  • Tips and tricks to help widowers adjust to life alone
  • Does how the late wife died affect the widower’s ability to move on?

Leave your ideas in to comment section below or send me an email. Look for a new column on one of the aforementioned topics next Wednesday.

Widower Wednesday: Go On

I don’t watch a lot of TV. With five young kids and four books in various stages of completion, I don’t have the time or energy to commit to the boob tube. But with Marathon Girl glued to the Olympics for two weeks (about the only time she watches TV) I kept seeing the promos for the new Mathew Perry show Go On. The subject matter of a recent widower trying to move on was enough to entice me to put down the pen for 30 minutes and see if the show was worth watching.

Much to my surprise, the pilot episode was entertaining, funny, and heartwarming. If done right, the show has lots of potential.

For those who haven’t seen it, Matthew Perry plays Ryan King, a recent widower who’s required to attend grief therapy before he can return to work. He ends up in a support group for “life change” filled with a bunch of eccentric characters who are dealing with the loss of their cat to a brother who’s in a coma. He brings cheerfulness and humor to a group that run by a strict Kubler-Ross type named Lauren (played by Laura Benanti) who wants to help people but whose “qualifications” for running the group is motivating people to lose weight through Weight Watchers.

It’s hard to find humor in loss and grief but the writers find the perfect mix of humor and heartfelt moments while doing a good job poking at the general absurdity of so some of the grief techniques and practices that “help” people move on.

As a former widower, Perry’s character felt real. He wants to move on with his life but is in denial about the need to get his life in order. Instead of dealing with his emotions, he turns to humor to deflect his feelings about loss. And the moments in the support group when he starts a March Sadness tournament in order to give someone sob-story bragging rights flat out hilarious. And even though his character is egotistical and self-absorbed (his favorite activity is listening to past sports shows he’s done), we see a hint of warmth as he goes out of his way to help certain members of the group come out of their shell.

Whether or not future episodes of Go On will be just as entertaining will depend a lot whether or not the writers let all of the characters in the show evolve. In real life we don’t like people who can’t move on with their life after a tragic event and it’s the same for characters in TV show. It would be easy to let those in the support group become standing punch lines for whatever situation Perry finds himself in. But since they showed some of the people taking baby steps at moving forward in the pilot, I’m hoping that they’ll move on from the group and be replaced by others.

The Perry character will have to evolve as well. Currently he’s kind of a sad jerk who we end up rooting for only because we see his genuine sadness at different times during the show. However, in order for us to root for him week after week, he can’t be a sullen jerk forever. At some point he’s going to have to come to terms with his loss and do what it takes to move on and either leave the group or become someone who leads. As part of his evolution, I’d like to see him start flirting with and dating the support group leader, Lauren, as there is plenty of funny and heartfelt dating a widower situations that could fill up an entire season or two.

I highly recommend watching the pilot. (You can watch it below). For the first time in years, I have a show to watch on regular basis. Hopefully future episodes are just as good.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers in the News

Occasionally readers will send me news stories about widowers. For Widower Wednesday I’ve decided to post and comment on two of the more interesting ones as well as an upcoming TV show.

First a story for those who have to deal with widowers who make frequent trips to the cemetery, here’s one from Alabama.

Jim Davis leaves no doubt about his willingness to do whatever it takes to honor his wife's dying wish.

Shortly before she died in April 2009 at the age of 66, Patsy Davis let it be known she wanted to be buried in the yard of the rural northeastern Alabama house where the couple raised their five children.

So that's exactly where Jim Davis laid his wife of "48 years, one month and four days" to rest, even though the city council in Stevenson denied him permission to do it.

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After his wife died, Davis picked out a spot in the front yard and applied to the county health department for the necessary approval. The department ran hydrological tests as required by law and granted his request.

Davis then sought permission from the city council. The council said no.

Davis said he's the kind of person who doesn't "take no for an answer." One morning soon after the council's refusal, he rented a backhoe and dug the plot anyway.

Read the full story at Yahoo! News.

Apparently burying people in one’s yard is legal in Alabama. If so, then I fully support Mr. Davis’ right to bury his wife in his front yard. Such an action, however, may deter any chances for a serious relationship if he decides to date again.

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On a happier note, here’s proof that widowers can move on again and that the former in-laws can even be supportive of the widower and his new love.

The Connecticut doctor who survived a horrific home invasion that left his two daughters and wife dead remarried on Sunday.

William Petit wed his girlfriend, 34-year-old photographer Christine Paluf, in Simsbury, Conn., and family spokesman Rick Healey told the Associated Press that about 300 people attended the ceremony. The couple had been seeing each other since the summer of 2011, People magazine reported, and they met while Paluf was volunteering for the Petit Family Foundation.

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The family of Petit’s late wife gave the couple their blessings. According to People, the family met Paluf in September 2011, at a birthday party for Petit. When Cindy Hawke-Renn, the sister of Petit’s late wife, learned on New Year’s Eve that they were engaged, she said she was thrilled for the couple. She added that her sister would have been too. “She would have only wished the best for him,” Hawke-Renn said. “That’s just how she was.”

Read the rest at Today and thanks to Kristen for the tip.

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Finally, there’s a new show, Go On, that is showing a preview episode after the Olympics tonight. Matthew Perry plays a radio talk show host who recently lost his wife and is ordered by his boss to undergo therapy. The previews look promising and assuming the show has staying power, I’m guessing they’re eventually going to have the Perry character start dating the lady who runs the therapy sessions.

The show is on too late for me to watch live but I’ll record it and see if it’s any good. If any readers happen to catch the show, I’d be curious as to your thoughts.

You can watch two previews of the show below.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers and Ultimatums

At least once a week I’ll get an email from a woman who’s reached a breaking point with their widower she’s dating. She’s so frustrated they wonder if the best way to either move things forward or bring things to a head is to give the widower an ultimatum to change or end things once and for all.

For example one woman described the promise after promise that her widower made about removing photos from his living room and kitchen so he could feel more comfortable when she visited. Despite repeated promises the photos remained on the wall and she was ready to leave and wanted to know if an ultimatum would be the best way to get him to remove the photographs.

Ultimatums usually do more harm than good to relationships. Yes, there’s a time and a place for them but I usually only recommend them when you reached a point when you’re willing to walk away from the relationship forever. Instead of giving ultimatums, it’s better to recognize the red flag and other warning signs that widower isn’t ready to move on and start a new life with you. Why put yourself through months or years of agony with someone who’s not willing to change?

Widowers who are ready to love again will treat you like the center of their universe. Though there may be moments and times of frustration, you should learn how to communicate with each other and work through widower (and other issues) together and so you can make your relationship stronger.

But if you’ve reached a breaking point with the widower you’re dating, there are a couple things to consider before taking such drastic step:

  • Don't give anyone an ultimatum unless you're actually going to follow through with it. So, if you're ultimatum is something like "Take all the photos down by Saturday or I'm never setting foot in the house again" then you need to have the resolve never set foot in his house again if the photos don’t come down by the deadline. If he keeps the photos up, you end up back in his house sometime after the deadline, then the widower will know that you’re a paper tiger and won’t take you seriously next time you ask for something. You’ve proven that he can do whatever he wants and there won’t be consequences.
  • Sometimes ultimatums backfire. Let’s say you tell the widower he has to remove the late wife’s clothes from the closet or the relationship is over. The widower may simply shrug his shoulders and decide that he’d rather keep the clothes instead of you and end the relationship right then and there. You have to be fine with that outcome as well or else you’re setting yourself up for some early heartbreak.

Again, you’re better off knowing when a widower isn’t ready to move on and end things earlier. But if that’s simply not an option at this point, be prepared for any and all possible fallout that comes from such a heavy-handed tactic.

Widower Wednesday: Positive Things about Dating a Widower

Last week I posted a list of unique problems and challenges GOWs and WOWs face when dating a widower. This week, at the suggestion of the women in the support group, we’ll talk about some of the positive aspects of dating a widower that GOWs and WOWs have experienced when dating their Ws. Feel free to add your own list of positives to the comment section below.

Positive aspects about dating a widower include:

  • Being with someone who no longer takes the woman in his life for granted.
  • Being with someone who enjoys spending each and every moment with their new love and works hard to make the relationships stronger and more wonderful.
  • Being with someone who doesn’t hold grudges because he knows how short and precious life is.
  • Being with someone who learned to be more patient, cooperative, and understanding.
  • Being with someone who has a new appreciation for life, its beauty, and all that it has to offer.
  • Being with someone who put the happiness of the new woman above his own.
  • Being with someone who now lives each day like it’s his last.
  • Being with someone who doesn’t waste time doing things that don’t matter.
  • Being with someone who appreciates the past but doesn’t let it control his future.
  • Being with someone who was willing to learn how to communicate and support someone who is the exact opposite of his first wife.
  • Being with someone who knows that one’s heart has a greater capacity for love than he ever thought possible.
  • Being with someone who realizes that life isn’t defined by loss but by how one picks himself up and moves forward with life.
  • Being with someone who is willing to fall love again even if that means the possibility of experiencing grief and heartache in the future.

Many of the above qualities can be found in non-widowed men too. With widowers, however, many of these qualities are either new or are more of the forefront of their personality. I’m a very different person than I was 12 years ago. Had I been unmarried or divorced when my path crossed with Marathon Girl’s, odds are we never would have married. Even though the widowed experience was difficult, it changed me for the better. I know lots of widowers who can say the same thing.

Widower Wednesday: What It's Like Dating a Widower

One of the reasons, or so I’m told, that GOWs and WOWs find this website and support groups helpful is that unless you’ve actually dated a widower, it’s hard to understand the unique issues that arise and must be worked through. Instead these women are often told by those who have never dated a widower is it’s like dating a divorced man or any other guy “with a past.”

Nothing could be further from the truth.

In order to help others better understand what girlfriends and wives of widowers sometimes have to worth, I’ve compiled a list of issues that can come up when dating a widower. The purpose of this list isn’t to slam those who are widowed. There’s nothing wrong with widowers wearing a wedding ring, planting a memorial garden, plastering their homes in photos of the late wife, organizing a 5k in her memory, or anything else on this list. They only get in the way when widowers start dating again and get serious with someone.

That being said, here’s the list. Feel free to add your own to the comments section below. And big thanks to the GOWs and WOWs on Facebook who helped compile it.

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How many divorced or single men:

  • Have shrines to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in their living room?
  • Hold the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends as a perfect saint who can never be spoken ill of?
  • Have a giant portrait of the ex-wives/ex-girlfriend on the wall of their office?
  • Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends clothing in the closet?
  • Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends make-up and other toiletries still in the bathroom?
  • Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends lingerie and sex toys in their chest of drawers?
  • Want to be buried next to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
  • Have a bedroom in their home dedicated and reserved for the family of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
  • Talk about how their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends were great athletes, professionals, moms, and an all around perfect human being?
  • Wear rings that symbolize their love for their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
  • Organize and participate in 5ks or other charitable events in the name of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
  • Wants to be reunited with their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in the next life?
  • Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends pots, pans, dishes, spices, etc. in the kitchen?
  • Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends voice on their answering machine?
  • Live in a house that has their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends touches everywhere?
  • Have photographs of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in every room?
  • Have tattoos of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends that they’re not willing to get rid of?
  • Wants to spend time with the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends family?
  • Ask if you want the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends clothing, jewelry, or other personal items?
  • Tell you how often their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends took their breath away every time they looked at him?
  • Constantly compare you or have family members that constantly compare you to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
  • Make a giant six-acre heart-shaped meadow for their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
  • Get a wistful expression on their face talk about the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends for hours on end?

Got more you want to add? You can do so in the comments below.

Widower Wednesday: Independence Day

Today is Independence Day in the United States. For those unfamiliar with the holiday, it’s the day commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence from Great Britain.

In the spirit of the holiday, I thought it might be a good idea for those GOWs and WOWs who are in a bad relationship with a widower to have their own day of independence.

  • If you constantly feel like number two or that you’re living in the shadow of a saint, declare your independence and move on.
  • If the widower hides your relationship from others and you feel like his dirty little secret, declare your independence and start anew.
  • If the widower won’t treat you like a queen, declare your independence and end the relationship.
  • If in any way you feel like you’re settling for a relationship with a widower who will never love you as much or more than his late wife, declare you independence and move forward with the knowledge that you can do better.  

For widowers, it’s a great day to declare your independence for things that are holding you back from starting a new life.

  • Declare your independence from physical objects and things that keep you rooted in the past. Instead focus on growing and nurturing relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Things of this world eventually turn to dust but relationships last forever.
  • Declare your independence from people who don’t want you to start a new life. Yes, there are some people who enjoy being stuck in the past and the sympathy and attention that comes with it. Don’t associate with those who will hold you back. Instead move forward  M
  • Declare your independence from grief. Despite tragedies and setbacks, this life is meant to be enjoyed and celebrated. Focus on the positive and happy things in your life. Count your blessings, give thanks for life itself, and move forward with a smile and a determination to make every day count.
  • Declare your independence from the widower label. Don’t let the death of your wife—something that is completely out of your control—define who you are. You’re Jack, Michael, Steven, or whatever your first name is. You define who you are. You have the power and ability to live the life you want to live. Don’t let others or circumstances do it for you. Make choices that lead you to a happy and fulfilling life.

Every day is a chance to make a fresh start. If you’re in a less than fulfilling relationship or not happy with your life, declare your independence today and start a more satisfying and rewarding life.  And, yes, you all have my permission celebrate your newfound independence with fireworks if you so choose!

Happy Independence Day to all!