Widower Wednesday: Making New Dreams

Just wanted to thank everyone again who submitted stories for my book. I’m going through them this week and will start updating people on which ones will appear in the book in the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned for more information about the book.

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In a recent column in the Wall Street Journal, Katy McLaughlin wrote about how the death of her 41-year-old cousin caused her to think about the things she wanted to do with her life but for various reasons hadn’t done them. After re-evaluating them she realized that she and her husband “lacked real enthusiasm for the things we’d spent so many years wanting. Our old dreams, it seemed, didn’t fit us anymore.”

McLaughlin ends her essay with the following:

When I was a young feminist, I would have been appalled by the notion of erasing my own passions and subsuming them into a husband and kids. But I knew just how Alejandro felt. From the day our eldest was born, I lost the ambitious spirit that once propelled me on artistic exploits around the globe. My world became our home, our future and every hair on our child's head.

"Well, what are those dreams for the kids?" I said. We came up with a list. Alejandro wanted to take Danny, our 4-year-old, to Uruguay in the spring, to improve his Spanish. I wanted to take a week off to be a stay-at-home mom with the boys this summer. We both wanted to spend this Thanksgiving in New York City, seeing friends and relatives and showing the boys their birthplace. We also talked about spending more time at the beach at home in Los Angeles and riding bikes more often with the kids.

Before my aunt's note, our penny-pinching, nose-to-the-grindstone habits might have meant we let those items linger on a wish list. But this time, we cashed in frequent-flier miles for Uruguay, filed vacation time for a week off and bought tickets to New York for Thanksgiving. I can easily say that week in August, taking the boys swimming at the YMCA and spending lazy afternoons in a frozen-yogurt parlor near our house, was one of the best vacations of my life. When we bought those tickets to New York, I felt glad for our years not indulging more exotic desires, because that's why we had the money to do what we'd discovered was really important to us.

Living your dreams, we've realized, is a state of mind. It's about knowing that where you are at any given moment is exactly where you want to be. Today, when we pedal around the neighborhood with the kids following like little goslings, or watch them spend hours digging hermit crabs out of the sand, I remind myself that all this is the greatest adventure of my life.

Read her entire essay here.

Today I ask widowers, GOWs and WOWs to take that advice to heart. Whether it’s the many curve balls that life throws at us or attitudes, feelings, and desires that change and mature with time, learn to adjust our dreams and wants accordingly. More importantly, learn to count the blessings you have today and happy with where you are right now. If you’re not where you want to be, figure out where you want to go and make the changes in your life to get there.

Life is short and you only get one shot to make it worthwhile. Don’t waste it pursuing dreams that won’t make your life worth living.

Widower Wednesday: Secret Relationships

REMINDER: If you want to contribute a personal story to my final widower relationship guide, you have until midnight tomorrow to get it to me. Click for full details of what I’m looking for.

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Sometimes I’ll get emails from women who are in secret relationships with their widowers. These aren't the kind of relationships where only the widower wants to keep things quiet. Rather, both parties decide it’s best to keep things under wraps. The most common reasons for hiding their from the world are: 1) concerned that others might think it’s too soon for the widower to be dating again, 2) worried what his/her kids will think or how his/her kids will react to the relation, 3) think that that others might they the two of them were carrying on an affair before the late wife passed on. There are other reasons too but those seem to be the most common ones.

Whatever the reason for keeping their love a secret, my advice is always the same: Don’t do it.

His family, friends, and kids aren't stupid. Your family, friends and kids aren't stupid. Odds are your “secret” relationship is obvious to everyone. By hiding it, you’re making it hard for people to trust either one of you. In addition to fostering distrust among friends and family, you’re also giving them a lot to speculate and gossip about the reason that you’re both keeping the relationship under wraps.

Unless you've got minor children at home, it’s no one’s business who you’re dating. But that doesn't mean you should act like you’re just “friends” at parties, church, or anywhere else the two of you go when there’s a lot more going on. If someone asks if you’re a couple, say “Yes!” Don’t let the thoughts or feelings of others dictate your relationship. You’re both adults. Please act like one instead of goofy high school kids or a pair of star-crossed lovers.

For those who do have minor children living at home, once things become serious with someone else, please work on a plan tell your kids what’s going on. You’re forthrightness and honesty with them is going to go a lot farther than lying to them about your love life. Unless they’re really, really young, they probably know what’s going on anyway. If you decide it’s best to keep your minor children in the dark for any reason, then you probably shouldn't be dating in the first place.

So act like a grownup. Don’t be ashamed of your new found love or feelings for another person. And remember, if a relationship has to be a secret, you probably shouldn't be in it.

Widower Wednesday: Man Up and Be a Dad Part 2

Reminder: This is the final week to send in your stories for my final widower relationship book. Learn more about the stories I’m seeking here.

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Last week I answered an email from a GOW who was worried about the parenting skills (or lack thereof) of the widower she was dating. This week I want talk about widowers who find themselves raising minor children alone. I don’t want to talk about granular examples of good or bad parenting because that differs from family to family. Rather, I want to offer some suggestions on what widowers can do to help them with the challenges of being a single parent and bring stability and direction to a home that’s been rocked by the death of one parent.

I write this as a parent of 5.5 kids and one who was a single dad (if you can really call it that) for all of nine days after my late wife died. And though I didn't have the responsibilities of taking Hope to school, feeding her, changing her diaper, or other parental activities during that time, the burden I felt on my shoulders was tremendous. In the early days when I thought Hope might actually have a chance of pulling through, I felt completely overwhelmed at the thought of raising her alone. That was something I was going to do with Krista. Never in my life did I fathom having to do such an important job by myself.  So I sympathize with the struggles that widowers feel as they find themselves as the only parent for their kid(s). If Marathon Girl were to pass on today, the weight of responsibility that would come with raising three boys and two girls alone would probably crush me.

That being said, just because life throws you a curve ball doesn't give you an excuse to abdicate your duties as a father.  I’ve seen too many emails from women who want to stay in the relationship because of the kids. They see kids basically raising themselves because they stew in their grief and can’t be bothered to be a dad anymore. (And as much as my heart breaks for these kids, I usually tell these women that unless the widower’s willing to come around, these relationships where they become a “single parent” because the widower won’t help out aren’t worth it.)

So here are some high-level suggestions for those who find themselves struggling to be a single dad.

• Stop lying to your kids. Lying to your kids is when you tell your kids something and then don’t do it. For example, you tell Junior that he can’t have desert because he didn’t do his home work. Dinner is finished and the ice cream is passed out and Junior starts to throw a fit that he doesn't get any. You give in and give Junior some ice cream so he’ll shut up. Congratulations, you've just lied to Junior. Think he’s going to believe you next time you say something? Mean what you say and say what you mean.
• Let the kids share in the responsibility around the house. As a single dad you can’t do everything by yourself. The kids need to help out. How much they help out depends on their age and ability. Whether it’s setting the table, cooking dinner once a week, mowing the lawn, or cleaning the bathrooms, they need to shoulder some of the responsibility to keep the house running as smoothly as possible.
• Don’t make excuses for them because of their loss.  There’s a tendency to let kids get away with bad behavior when they or the family goes through a big, traumatic event (death of a family member, job loss, etc.) Bad behavior is bad behavior. Don’t let them get away with things you wouldn't normally let them do simply because they’ve lost their mom. If you let “mom’s death” become an excuse for acting out, getting bad grades, or staying out past curfew, you’re doing to end up dealing with a self-centered brat very quickly. Quash it before it spirals out of control.
• You’re a parent first and foremost. Don’t fall into the trap of being their friend to help them move on. You’re a parent. You need to stay no and give your kids an environment where they can feel safe. But being a parent also includes creating a place where they can talk openly to you and know that you’ll listen or even cry on your shoulder. But you’ve got to remember your role is that of dad and not best friend. Don’t slip out of it.
• Read Jenn’s comment on my last post. Jennings a regular reader to this site. Until last week I had no idea she was the child of a widow. She describes her experience being raised by a widow as follows. I think it provides a good perspective on what our kids really want.

I am the child of a widow (my father died when I was 8), and my mother was guilty of over-indulging us. It was awful. I felt guilty every time she gave us anything, because I knew she was doing it in an attempt to compensate for the loss of my father. It didn’t work – there isn’t anything that can make up for a loss so significant. Indulging a child on occasion is okay, doing it as a way of parenting on a regular basis is not. My brother was younger when my father died, so he pretty much grew up with an attitude of expecting to get everything he wanted, whenever he wanted it. He is still this way.

What kids need when a parent dies is consistency, understanding, and for the remaining parent to actually BE a parent, not a friend. Whatever rules were in place BEFORE the mother died, should be in place now. I understand being more flexible at first – when your whole world has been turned upside down. But you cannot live, and you definitely cannot thrive, in the upside down world. Kids need to know that even though there has been an ENORMOUS change, that some things are still unchanged. I would have felt safer if my mom had still been the same mom (regarding her rules and expectations of me) after my father’s death as she was before.

I know that it can’t be easy (my mother definitely struggled) to say ‘no’ to a child who has lost a parent, but they need it. Otherwise, it’s like losing 2 parents. As a kid who was over-indulged after losing her father, all I can tell you is that what I wanted was for my mother to be my mother. I NEEDED restrictions, I NEEDED proper nutrition, I NEEDED a bedtime, and I NEEDED to hear no. All kids do. Would I have whined and been upset at times? I’m sure I would have, but all kids do – it’s a normal part of growing up. I ended up parenting myself for the remainder of my childhood, and while it definitely made me more mature, I admit that I still feel resentment toward my mother for her “softness” after my father died.

You can read her entire comment here.

No parent is perfect. I certainly don’t claim to be one. But whether you’re a single parent or have a spouse to help you out, we all make mistakes. But you can’t become a “dead” parent to your kids. You still have to keep things running as smoothly and give them some sort of normally to your children’s lives. It’s not always easy—especially on days when you’re absolutely exhausted. But there are no days off when it comes to being a dad. You've got to keep pressing forward and being the best father you can possibly be.

Feel free to share your own thoughts and suggestions in the comments below.

Widower Wednesday: Man Up and Be a Dad

From the Inbox comes the following:

I’m dating widower who feels very sorry that his daughter has lost her mother. As a result he over indulges her. At age 10, she still believes in Santa Claus he says he doesn't want to tell her the truth because he worried how it will affect her. He also doesn't enforce certain types of behavior, such as having her go to bed on time (she stays up until 11:00 p.m. every night) or eat balanced meals. Basically he doesn't push her to do things she doesn't want to do.It’s very difficult for him to "deprive" her of things she likes, even when it's in her best interest in the long run.

I am concerned that should we get married it will be a rough road getting both he and his daughter to see me as a true parent who has an active role in the discipline process, too. I feel there are more constructive ways to accomplish things than to indulge children. Is there a reason the W is behaving this way? Is it guilt? What can I do to help?

There could be lots of reasons the widower is spoiling his daughter. It might be feelings of guilt about their loss or inadequacy of being a single dad. Maybe he left the parenting up to his wife and really has no clue what to do. Whatever is driving this, you’re right to be concerned. He’s made series of bad parenting decisions and needs regain control before these behaviors are ingrained in her mind and things really begin to spiral out of control.

The problem is, that you’re just the girlfriend and don’t have the same level of parental authority with the daughter as her father. Having you tell her to go to bed at, say, 9:00 p.m. doesn't carry the same weight as her father saying it.

Since you’re just in the dating stages, I would talk to the widower about his parenting (or lack thereof) and see if he even views it as a problem. If he knows he’s not doing the right thing by catering to his daughter’s every whim, then there’s hope things can change. At that point you can offer suggestions on how to be a better dad. Maybe one week he starts enforcing an earlier bedtime. The next week she has to eat her vegetables. The third week there’s another. Maybe everything changes at once. That’s something the two of you need to work out.

What’s important is that you see him manning up and taking his role as father more seriously instead of just giving it lip service. It’s also critical that you’re both on the same page when it comes to parenting roles, discipline, and other parenting issues. If you’re not in agreement on these once you become her step mother, his daughter will learn how to exploit the differences and pit the two of you against each other.

Right now it’s up to the widower to right the ship. And, yes, it needs to be fixed as soon as possible. If nothing changes it’s better to end it now. Otherwise you’re just asking for future problems and heartaches by continuing with the relationship. If the widower refuses to change, he's the one that going to have to deal with the consequences. Next week I'll write about how widowhood isn't an excuse for lousy parenting.

Have any readers experienced something similar? If so, leave a comment how you've handled bad widower parenting issues and successfully blended families.

Widower Wednesday: 5 Questions

You have until the end of the month to submit a story to my final widower relationship book. You can see the kind of stories I’m looking for here.

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I've received a lot of requests for a Widower Wednesday column about blending families and getting step children to accept each other. Since Marathon Girl and I didn't have any (living) children when we were married I don’t feel I can adequately address the topic. However, I know a lot of readers have done this. So if you think you have a story and some thoughts to share with GOWs and WOWs who are struggling with or looking to blend families, send me an email. I’ll post the stories in a future column.

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Occasionally I’ll get some unique questions that can be answered relatively quickly and usually aren't worth devoting an entire column to. Today you’ll find 5 of those questions below. I hope you can find some of them useful.

Q: Does a picture of the late wife in the wallet mean more than a picture of her on the wall of their home?

A: No. A photo is a photo. It doesn't matter if it’s on the wall, in someone’s wallet, or on a desk at their work. If you’re in a serious or committed relationship with a widower the question you should be asking is why isn't there a photo of you on the wall, in the wallet, or on his desk.

Q: What are some questions can you ask a widower to know if he’s ready to move on?

A: It really doesn't matter what you ask him because a widower who’s looking to use you for emotional support, sex, or as a fill-in for the late wife will say whatever you want to hear. Widowers show through their actions that they’re ready to make you number one. Widowers who are putting on an act will eventually show their true colors. Pay more attention to how a widower treats you—not what he says.

Q: Do you recommend getting back with a widower who was physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive in the past but now promises it won’t happen again?

A: No! No! No! No! No! Going back to an abusive relationship is putting yourself (and kids, if you have any) in danger. Don’t do it because odds are the abuse is going to start again at some point. Start a new life without that person in it.

Q: My widower is having a hard time moving on. I think some professional help would help him take the next step. Do you think seeing someone would help him take the next step?

A: One thing to remember about seeing a grief counselor, shrink, or some other kind of professional is that they can only help people who want to change their life or move it forward. If the widower’s open to getting help, then it might be a good idea to see someone. If he’s insists he doesn't need help or doesn't think it would do any good than you’re both wasting each other’s time and money. Also keep in mind that philosophies and techniques on how to help the bereaved can vary widely from professional to professional. You should both do your homework and find someone you both feel will be of the most help.

Q: Would you recommend a long distance relationship with a widower?

A: As a rule, no. Long distance relationships can and do work but they’re much harder to maintain because most of the communication is over the phone or computer instead of face-to-face, one-on-one time. Big breaks between personal contact means it takes longer to really get to know the other person and decide if the relationship has long term potential. Marriage and committed relationships are about spending time and making two lives one. It’s difficult to do that when you live 1,000 miles apart. If you get involved in a long distance relationship one of you is eventually going to have to pack up and move for it to work out. If one or both of you can see yourself doing than, then maybe there’s some hope that it will work. Otherwise it may not be worth the time and effort.

Widower Wednesday: Friends Who Still Grieve

Reminder: I’m looking for stories from GOWs and WOWs to use in my final widower relationship book. More information can be found here.

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One of the topics several readers suggested I write about was how to deal with friends who either don’t accept a widower’s new relationship or continue to morn their dead friend. Then yesterday a reader, doc, left the following comment about a similar problem he and his wife are currently experiencing.

“. . .[W]e have found it very difficult to deal with other peoples inability to be in the present too and in particular their lack of thought for us. They have readily let my wife be labelled [sic] as insecure. We both understand that I have a past as does my wife but we just want to live in the present.

Some people who should have been very close to us have done this by keeping a shrine of my first marriage unbeknownst to us until recently when we discovered it and it has been particularly destructive to our relationship.

I would really appreciate some advice and experiences of anyone who has had a similar problem in coping with how others respect your present and getting them to understand and do so. We have spoken to the other party involved previous to this happening and feel let down by them but they don’t seem to understand and are happy to inflict it on my wife and let her be labeled [sic] as insecure.

In reply Annie offered the following perspective.

Going just on the info you've provided, it appears that by engaging with this folks on the topic of your LW, shrines and such, you are giving life to their interference. Stop.

During the first year or so of our marriage, two of the LW”s siblings came to him and expressed their disappointment in his moving on “so quickly”. It was hurtful to them. My husband told them, I am sorry if you feel hurt but this is my life. He also made it clear that their feelings were theirs to deal with and to never bring it up to him again. He simply would not have this conversation with either of them again. The end.

I made it clear to my family and friends that my life was not a democracy and only positive, forward thinking attitudes were allowed. Anything else they could keep to themselves.

And, imo, that’s probably what you and your wife should do. Just stop engaging on the topic. Let these ppl wallow as they please but make it clear that you don’t want to hear about it again.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Most, though not all, family and friends will get on board once they know you aren't in a game playing mood. Good luck.

In addition to agreeing with Annie’s advice, I would add that no one is obligated to spend time with anyone else—especially those that hold you back from moving forward with life or destroy your current relationship. After I married Marathon Girl we dramatically scaled back spending time with those who just didn't get that I was ready to start a new life. We didn't burn any bridges but simply just stopped associating with those who weren't ready to move forward with us. Since then they've all moved on and weave been able to re-establish relationships and now see them when our schedules and life permits.

I always tell GOWs and WOWs that life is too short to waste time with widowers who aren't ready to move on. It’s also too short to spend time with those who try to hold us back. Free yourself from destructive influences and spend that time strengthening your relationship with your spouse because that’s one relationship that can last the rest of this life and into the next as well.

Feel free to share your own stories or thoughts about friends who can’t move on with Doc in the comments section below.

Widower Wednesday: Women, Widowers, and Insecurity

For those who may have missed my Monday announcement, I’m looking for stories from girlfriends and wives of for my final widower relationship book. I hope to release it by the end of the year. You can find more details here.

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Last Thursday, Slate magazine’s advice columnist, Dear Prudence, answered the following question from a widower:

About five years ago, I lost my wife after a lengthy illness. The first year was hard, but I got through it thanks to my in-laws, who never stopped letting me know that I would always be part of their family. (My parents are no longer with us.) Six months ago, I met a wonderful woman I love and want to marry. My problem is that she is very twitchy about my relationship with my in-laws. We call each other frequently and I visit them, and their extended family, a few times a year, including holidays. But any time I mention them or my former wife—such as saying something she enjoyed doing—my girlfriend gets angry or very upset. She accuses me of still being in love with my late wife and not letting go of the past. I've tried to reassure her, but I feel that I have to constantly censor myself to avoid setting her off. I don't want to cut my late wife's family out of my life, and they are very happy I've found someone, but I fear an ultimatum is coming. What should I do?

—Found Love Again

Prudence (real name Emily Yoffe) is married to a widower so I thought of all the advice columnists out there, she’d have an insightful perspective on the problem. Instead she starts her answer as follows:

You've been alone a long time, and I’m sure your girlfriend has many wonderful qualities. But the portrait you paint is of someone who is jealous, insecure, and mean. You say nothing to indicate that your emotional life revolves around your late wife or that your home is a shrine to her. Nor are you trying to remake your girlfriend, Vertigo-like, into your lost love. But she can’t stand it when you mention your late wife in the most natural way. And you feel you have to hide your relationship with your former in-laws; how ironic that they are thrilled you have found someone.

You can read the rest of her answer here.

For those who don’t click over, I’d summarize her advice as follows:

• Your girlfriend doesn't get that you can love her, the late wife, and the in-laws without feeling like a third wheel.
• We all have pasts and she shouldn't be threatened by your past just like you’re not threatened by hers. Let her talk about her ex and all the fun they had when something relevant comes up. What harm could that do?
• Did I mention that your girlfriend is insecure?
• Your in-laws will be part of your life and you can tell your insecure girlfriend to shove it if she doesn't like that.
• Give your insecure girlfriend a chance to re-examine her attitude. If she doesn't shape up, dump her and find a woman who’s not insecure and can tolerate your undying love and devotion to a woman who’s six feet under.

Before I dive in deeper, it’s important to note that we’re only getting the widower’s point of view. His emotional life may very well revolve around his late wife or his home may be shrine to her or he may not be in a compromising mood when it comes to spending the holidays somewhere other than the in-laws. We have no way of knowing whether or not his girlfriend has a valid reason to feel this way. One would think that given Prudence’s background, she’d want to hear the other side of just assuming that the widower isn't overdoing it.

What really bothers me about the widower’s question and Prudence’s answer is the assumptionthat girlfriend can’t stand hearing about his late wife or visiting the in-laws because she’s insecure. It’s an assumption that comes into my email box all the time from widows and widower who disagree with me. Their tone usually goes something like this: “I’m never taking photos of the late spouse down. If the person I’m dating can’t deal with that, then I’ll find someone who’s secure enough to live with that.” The new person in their life that has the problem—not the widow or widower.

Yes, it takes some deal of self worth to date someone who will always love the late spouse. And if you’re fine with photos of the late spouse up on the wall, giant memorial tattoos, or spending every holiday with the former in-laws, that’s fine. More power to you. Most of the women who email me have already done a gut check and are okay with the widower’s past and that the late wife will always have a special place in his heart. They’re also fine if the late wife comes up in conversation or if the in-laws are part of their life. They accept that the widower has a past and are willing to move forward and start a new life together.

But the problems (and ultimatums) usually arise when the widower doesn't want to move forward and start a new life. Problems arise when the late wife is talked about to such an extent that the girlfriend feels like number two on the totem pole or thinks the widower wishes the late wife was still alive. Problems happen when former in-laws take up such a big part of his life that she feels like her family or her wants and needs are brushed to the side. Feeling like a third wheel in a relationship has nothing to do with being insecure and everything to do with wanting to be treated like the center of someone’s universe. There’s nothing wrong or insecure with wanting to be treated like number one from the person who should love you more than anyone. People expect that in any romantic relationship and are settling if they feel like the widow or widower’s heart is still with someone who’s six feet under.

Dating a widow or widower isn't for everyone. And, yes, there are those out there who don’t want a widower to mention the late wife or any part of his past. But I've always counseled those women that feel that way they shouldn't be dating a widower in the first place.

The problem, usually, isn't insecurity on behalf of the girlfriend but the fact that the widower isn't ready to fully open his heart to someone else. It’s disappointing that Prudence, of all people, doesn't at least try to recognize this.

It would be great to hear how the girlfriend in this relationship views as the problem. (If you’re the girlfriend and want to share your side of the story, email me here.) Maybe she’ll email Prudence. Or me. My gut says there’s more to this story than we’re getting. It would be nice to know what’s missing.

Widower Wednesday: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Get a Memorial Tattoo

Awhile back I wrote about how GOWs and WOWs can deal with widowers who have memorial tattoos on their body.  For widowers who may be considering getting one, here are 5 reasons not to get a tattoo that memorializes the late wife.

1. It’s an emotional decision. Most tattoos commemorating the deceased are purely emotional decisions made soon after the loss of the spouse. Emotional decisions rarely turn out well. If you really feel that you need to memorialize your late spouse with a tattoo, wait a year and see how you feel the same way.
2. There are better ways to remember someone. If you really want to keep someone’s memory alive, raise money for charity, start a scholarship, or some other activity that can help and benefit others. Better yet, through your actions, be the kind of person the late wife would be proud of if she were still around.
3. It will interfere with future relationships. Though most widowers probably aren’t even thinking about dating again when they get a memorial tattoo, once they start another relationship, the tattoo usually gets in the way. If you don’t think most women will get over it or used to it, ask yourself what it would be like to see that the name of her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband ever y time you looked at her or got into bed with her.
4. They can make it harder to move on. One of the biggest obstacles that hold the widowed on from moving on are constant reminders of their loss. Memorial tattoos, especially those that are easy to see every time you look at your body or see yourself in a mirror, serve as a constant reminder of what was lost and make it harder to move past the loss. The best way to keep someone alive is in one’s heart—not their arm, back, or chest.
5. They could go horribly wrong. Check out the memorial tattoo below and decide if you’d like something like this on your body for the rest of your life.

Update: A reader, Tiffany, thought the following diagram would also help those wondering whether or not to get a memorial tattoo.

Widower Wednesday: It Doesn’t Matter How She Died

First, a quick reminder about some different dating a widower resources out there. For women who are currently dating or married to a widower, there’s the Dating a Widower Facebook group. It’s a great place to vent, ask questions, or socialize with other women who have been there, done that.

For widowers who are dating again or thinking about dating again, there’s the Widowers Dating Again Facebook group. We’re not quite as chatty as the Dating a Widower group but the conversations we do have are very helpful. It’s also a great place to beat your chest or do a reality check with other widowers who are dating again.

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The first thing to remember when dating a widower is not to make excuses for his bad behavior. Too often women give bad behavior a pass because they think the widower is still grieving or dealing with other death related issues. As a result they overlook or ignore signs that the widower isn’t ready to move on with his life and is simply using that person to fill the void in his life.

Lately it seems I’ve got a flood of emails asking if how the late wife died has anything to do with a widower’s ability to commit to a long term relationship. It doesn’t matter if the late wife was killed in a car crash, took her own life, was murdered, or died from a horrible illness. How she died has little or no bearing on whether or not a widower can start a new chapter in his life and commit to a new relationship.

All widowers have to take a similar mental and physical journey to put the past in a special place and move forward. How the late wife died may add or subtract a step or two but the journey of starting a new chapter is basically the same for everyone—regardless of how their spouse died.

What about widowers who who’s late wife died from a prolonged illness? Because they’ve had time to say goodbye, they’re generally more prepared than other widowers to start dating earlier than, say, a widower who’s wife died unexpectedly. However, just because they’re father along in the grieving process doesn’t mean they more willing to commit or won’t have other issues to deal with.

So don’t let the way his wife died cause you to make excuses for his inability to commit or other bad behavior. Widowers who are ready to start a new chapter in their lives with someone else will do so. How the late wife died has very little, if anything, to with a widower’s ability to make you number one.

Widower Wednesday: A Life Alone

First, sorry for the delay in this week’s Widower Wednesday column. With new projects at work and still adjusting and moving in to our new home, free time to write this column and work on my upcoming books has been nonexistent. But I find myself with a free hour which is just enough time to respond to the following email:

Dear Abel,

I've been going through your blog, and I was wondering what your response would be to learning how to be single, or being a peace with being alone first. You've pointed out several times that widowers jump into a relationship to possibly fill in a void, and in that case, perhaps an explanation as to how you dealt with being alone during the first few months would be helpful.

I lost my fiancé a month ago, and I am figuring out how to go through this myself.

Thanks,

Mark (name changed)

First, I’m sorry for your loss. Adjusting to live without someone who has been a major part of your life isn’t easy. I hope what I share can help you and others find that peace you seek.

In my case, I had a difficult time adjusting to life without my late wife and didn’t handle it well as I could have. Even though I did some things right, the biggest mistake I made was jumping into serious relationship thinking it would heal my heart and solve many of the issues I was working through. Instead it caused more problems than it solved.

Based on what I learned from that first year alone, here are three things I suggest other widowers do that can help make the adjustment easier and help find that inner peace the recently widowed seek.

• Keep busy. Nothing is worse for the recently widowed than sitting around with nothing to do or watching endless amounts of TV. Dive into a hobby or that can keep you focused and busy when you might otherwise find yourself alone with time on your hands. I found solace in blogging and gutting and rebuilding a home. It kept me busy and distracted during the first few months after her passing. I might have gone crazy if I didn’t have those two activities to fall back on.
• Give your life some structure. Our lives generally fall into a series of routines. When we lose a spouse many of routines are disrupted and destroyed. Getting back into a routine gives life the structure that helps keep us sane and focused. One of the best things that happened in the months following the LW’s death was that our two best friends invited me over every Wednesday night for dinner. This went on for 6-8 months. Having dinner with them was the highlight of my week. It gave me something to look forward to. So find friends to hang out with or other activities that you enjoy that can put some basic routines back in your life.
• Find ways to help and serve others. Many people are going through unemployment, divorce, financial problems, and many other things. Whether it was mowing a neighbor’s lawn, helping someone move, or volunteering with a church all helped me forget my own problems and helped me feel connected to the community. Though you may not think their trials are same level as losing a spouse, forgetting about yourself and helping others is a great way to keep yourself grounded and realize that despite your own trials and difficulties, you still have many things to be thankful for.
• Peace and acceptance comes from within. Keep in mind that staying busy or starting a new relationship by themselves isn’t going to bring you peace, comfort, or acceptance. They’re simply tools to help you go on from one day to the next. Eventually you’re going to have to go through the inner struggle of accepting your loss and being okay with starting a new chapter in your life. It’s not the easiest process but coming through the other side and realizing that life is still worth living and there’s lots of joy to be had is worth the struggle. Don’t be afraid to start that journey.

I hope this helps, Mark, and I wish you the best as you embark on a new chapter in your life. Keep in touch.