Widower Wednesday: Where to Spend the Holidays

 

Today I'm re-posting a holiday themed Widower Wednesday column from last year. If you have a holiday issues you'd like addressed send me an email.

***

Today I’m going to jump into one holiday topic earlier than usual because it’s already popping up on discussion boards and in my email box. The issue is how much time the widower should spend with the late wife’s family during the holidays. The situations are a little complex but here are three typical situations I’ve been seeing a lot of lately.

Situation 1: The widower has no kids or all of his kids are grown and out of the house. The widower is heading to the in-laws for the majority of the holidays and doesn’t invite the girlfriend to accompany him. When the girlfriend asks about spending time alone or with her family, widower pushes her concerns to the side and says they’ll see each other after the holidays.

My thoughts: The widower isn’t ready for a serious relationship or doesn’t consider the relationship to be on the same level as the woman he’s dating. This is a good opportunity to have a heart-to-heart talk with the widower and how you both feel about the relationship and whether or not this going to be a long term or serious deal. If you’re not on the same page, it’s a good time as any to end the relationship and move on. If the widower claims he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with you you but insists on spending the holidays without you by his side, don’t stand around waiting for him to return. It’s time to move on.

Situation 2: The widower has minor children living at home. When the late wife was alive, it was tradition to spend the holidays with her family. Girlfriend may or may not be invited to attend. When asked to alter plans to accompany her family or her holiday traditions, the widower is resistant or hesitant to change his plans because the kids need some amount of normalcy after losing their mother.

My thoughts: One of the problems I see in long-term widower relationships is that during the first year there are issues that the girlfriend gives a pass to because. With the situation above, often I’ve seen the girlfriend not try to get to upset the first year it happens only to have the situation repeat itself again and again year after year. Instead of getting upset, this is a perfect opportunity to have conversation about holiday traditions what are the holidays going to be like next year, the year after, or five years down the road? What will happen once you’re engaged or married? Is there a concrete reason the widower won’t compromise and split time with your or your family?

The “I’m still grieving” or “I’m doing it for the kids” excuse is a cop out and a sign the widower has no backbone. Don’t fall for it. You need to figure out the real reason. Also there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend part of the holidays with the late wife’s family—especially if minor children are involved. However, every relationship requires some degree of compromise and if you don’t work it out early in the relationship, odds are its going keep being an issue as long as the two of you are together.

Situation 3: The girlfriend is invited to accompany him and the kids with the late wife’s family. While she doesn’t mind spending part of her holidays with them, she feels uncomfortable spending the entire holiday season with them. She wants time to get to know him and his kids better and introduce them to her family too.

My thoughts: Starting a new life often means replacing old traditions with new ones. Letting go of practices that have gone on for years can be difficult. But part of starting a new life means figuring out which ones to hold on to and which ones to replace. When I was dating Marathon Girl and our first holiday season together was approaching, we sat down decided how we wanted to spend our time during the holidays and informed my family, her family, and the late wife’s family of our plans. No one complained. A few years ago because of our growing family we altered our plans again and told my family and her family how we were spending the holidays. Again, no one complained. The result, however, has always been an enjoyable holiday season for the two of us and our children.

Lawsuits, Forgiveness, and Moving On

Book update: I’m still sifting through the stories that were sent in. If you haven’t heard from me, don’t panic. I hope to have this all done after the Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks for your patience.

***

A week or so after Krista died I got a call from an attorney. The attorney wanted to know if Krista had taken any antidepressants or other medication before she killed herself.  I asked the attorney why she wanted to know that information and she started babbling on about how anti-depressants were linked to an increase in suicide and that she was represented people who were suing drug companies for damages.

I can’t remember what I said to her but I do remember hanging up the phone feeling upset that someone was trying to use Krista’s death for their own benefit.

About six months after Krista’s death I received a call from a friend informing me that the mental health councilor Krista had been seeing before she died has passed away from a drug overdose. Apparently he had a drug problem for years and finally succumbed to his addiction. After I got off the phone with my friend, I started wondering if the councilor’s addiction might have got in the way of helping Krista. Had he been under the influence during some of the counseling sessions? Had his addiction affected his judgment with Krista? Would she be alive if she had seen someone else? Questions flowed through my mind. And for the first time in my life, I thought about suing someone.

I did a free consultation with an attorney (who wanted to take the case) and a few others about moving forward with a lawsuit but eventually decided that it wasn't worth it. There were lots of reasons I decided not to move forward with it but the biggest reason was that I had finally reached a point in my life where I felt things were moving forward. I had just started dating again and I was able to go through most days without bursting into tears at some point. I knew that going down the lawsuit road would halt a lot of the progress I was making. For me, moving forward with my life was more important than assigning blame.

I tell this story because I’ll occasionally get an email from someone who’s dating a widower that’s suing someone over the death of his late wife. Sometimes it’s a hospital and doctors, or a drunk driver, or a cigarette manufacturer or drug company. Whoever they’re suing, the one commonality I see in all these emails is that the litigation makes it hard for the widower to start a new life. Instead they generally become focuses and/or obsessed with the legal case that it makes it difficult for them to move on and open their heart to someone else.

I’m not saying that all lawsuits are bad. There are times when I think lawsuits are justified and other times I roll my eyes that such a frivolous case even made it to court. Nor am I saying you shouldn't date widowers who are suing someone over the death of his late wife. All I’m asking is that you be aware of potential drawbacks when it comes to making you the center of his universe. Lawsuits have a funny way of consuming someone’s life until the matter is settled. And knowing how slowly things move through the US legal system, it could be years before the matter is resolved.

I have no regrets about not pursuing a lawsuit. Had I started legal proceedings, I doubt that my life would be where it is today had I followed that path. In my case it was better to forgive, forget, and start over.

Widower Wednesday: Making New Dreams

Just wanted to thank everyone again who submitted stories for my book. I’m going through them this week and will start updating people on which ones will appear in the book in the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned for more information about the book.

***

In a recent column in the Wall Street Journal, Katy McLaughlin wrote about how the death of her 41-year-old cousin caused her to think about the things she wanted to do with her life but for various reasons hadn’t done them. After re-evaluating them she realized that she and her husband “lacked real enthusiasm for the things we’d spent so many years wanting. Our old dreams, it seemed, didn’t fit us anymore.”

McLaughlin ends her essay with the following:

When I was a young feminist, I would have been appalled by the notion of erasing my own passions and subsuming them into a husband and kids. But I knew just how Alejandro felt. From the day our eldest was born, I lost the ambitious spirit that once propelled me on artistic exploits around the globe. My world became our home, our future and every hair on our child's head.

"Well, what are those dreams for the kids?" I said. We came up with a list. Alejandro wanted to take Danny, our 4-year-old, to Uruguay in the spring, to improve his Spanish. I wanted to take a week off to be a stay-at-home mom with the boys this summer. We both wanted to spend this Thanksgiving in New York City, seeing friends and relatives and showing the boys their birthplace. We also talked about spending more time at the beach at home in Los Angeles and riding bikes more often with the kids.

Before my aunt's note, our penny-pinching, nose-to-the-grindstone habits might have meant we let those items linger on a wish list. But this time, we cashed in frequent-flier miles for Uruguay, filed vacation time for a week off and bought tickets to New York for Thanksgiving. I can easily say that week in August, taking the boys swimming at the YMCA and spending lazy afternoons in a frozen-yogurt parlor near our house, was one of the best vacations of my life. When we bought those tickets to New York, I felt glad for our years not indulging more exotic desires, because that's why we had the money to do what we'd discovered was really important to us.

Living your dreams, we've realized, is a state of mind. It's about knowing that where you are at any given moment is exactly where you want to be. Today, when we pedal around the neighborhood with the kids following like little goslings, or watch them spend hours digging hermit crabs out of the sand, I remind myself that all this is the greatest adventure of my life.

Read her entire essay here.

Today I ask widowers, GOWs and WOWs to take that advice to heart. Whether it’s the many curve balls that life throws at us or attitudes, feelings, and desires that change and mature with time, learn to adjust our dreams and wants accordingly. More importantly, learn to count the blessings you have today and happy with where you are right now. If you’re not where you want to be, figure out where you want to go and make the changes in your life to get there.

Life is short and you only get one shot to make it worthwhile. Don’t waste it pursuing dreams that won’t make your life worth living.

Widower Wednesday: Secret Relationships

REMINDER: If you want to contribute a personal story to my final widower relationship guide, you have until midnight tomorrow to get it to me. Click for full details of what I’m looking for.

***

Sometimes I’ll get emails from women who are in secret relationships with their widowers. These aren't the kind of relationships where only the widower wants to keep things quiet. Rather, both parties decide it’s best to keep things under wraps. The most common reasons for hiding their from the world are: 1) concerned that others might think it’s too soon for the widower to be dating again, 2) worried what his/her kids will think or how his/her kids will react to the relation, 3) think that that others might they the two of them were carrying on an affair before the late wife passed on. There are other reasons too but those seem to be the most common ones.

Whatever the reason for keeping their love a secret, my advice is always the same: Don’t do it.

His family, friends, and kids aren't stupid. Your family, friends and kids aren't stupid. Odds are your “secret” relationship is obvious to everyone. By hiding it, you’re making it hard for people to trust either one of you. In addition to fostering distrust among friends and family, you’re also giving them a lot to speculate and gossip about the reason that you’re both keeping the relationship under wraps.

Unless you've got minor children at home, it’s no one’s business who you’re dating. But that doesn't mean you should act like you’re just “friends” at parties, church, or anywhere else the two of you go when there’s a lot more going on. If someone asks if you’re a couple, say “Yes!” Don’t let the thoughts or feelings of others dictate your relationship. You’re both adults. Please act like one instead of goofy high school kids or a pair of star-crossed lovers.

For those who do have minor children living at home, once things become serious with someone else, please work on a plan tell your kids what’s going on. You’re forthrightness and honesty with them is going to go a lot farther than lying to them about your love life. Unless they’re really, really young, they probably know what’s going on anyway. If you decide it’s best to keep your minor children in the dark for any reason, then you probably shouldn't be dating in the first place.

So act like a grownup. Don’t be ashamed of your new found love or feelings for another person. And remember, if a relationship has to be a secret, you probably shouldn't be in it.

Widower Wednesday: Man Up and Be a Dad Part 2

Reminder: This is the final week to send in your stories for my final widower relationship book. Learn more about the stories I’m seeking here.

***

Last week I answered an email from a GOW who was worried about the parenting skills (or lack thereof) of the widower she was dating. This week I want talk about widowers who find themselves raising minor children alone. I don’t want to talk about granular examples of good or bad parenting because that differs from family to family. Rather, I want to offer some suggestions on what widowers can do to help them with the challenges of being a single parent and bring stability and direction to a home that’s been rocked by the death of one parent.

I write this as a parent of 5.5 kids and one who was a single dad (if you can really call it that) for all of nine days after my late wife died. And though I didn't have the responsibilities of taking Hope to school, feeding her, changing her diaper, or other parental activities during that time, the burden I felt on my shoulders was tremendous. In the early days when I thought Hope might actually have a chance of pulling through, I felt completely overwhelmed at the thought of raising her alone. That was something I was going to do with Krista. Never in my life did I fathom having to do such an important job by myself.  So I sympathize with the struggles that widowers feel as they find themselves as the only parent for their kid(s). If Marathon Girl were to pass on today, the weight of responsibility that would come with raising three boys and two girls alone would probably crush me.

That being said, just because life throws you a curve ball doesn't give you an excuse to abdicate your duties as a father.  I’ve seen too many emails from women who want to stay in the relationship because of the kids. They see kids basically raising themselves because they stew in their grief and can’t be bothered to be a dad anymore. (And as much as my heart breaks for these kids, I usually tell these women that unless the widower’s willing to come around, these relationships where they become a “single parent” because the widower won’t help out aren’t worth it.)

So here are some high-level suggestions for those who find themselves struggling to be a single dad.

  • Stop lying to your kids. Lying to your kids is when you tell your kids something and then don’t do it. For example, you tell Junior that he can’t have desert because he didn’t do his home work. Dinner is finished and the ice cream is passed out and Junior starts to throw a fit that he doesn't get any. You give in and give Junior some ice cream so he’ll shut up. Congratulations, you've just lied to Junior. Think he’s going to believe you next time you say something? Mean what you say and say what you mean.
  • Let the kids share in the responsibility around the house. As a single dad you can’t do everything by yourself. The kids need to help out. How much they help out depends on their age and ability. Whether it’s setting the table, cooking dinner once a week, mowing the lawn, or cleaning the bathrooms, they need to shoulder some of the responsibility to keep the house running as smoothly as possible.
  • Don’t make excuses for them because of their loss.  There’s a tendency to let kids get away with bad behavior when they or the family goes through a big, traumatic event (death of a family member, job loss, etc.) Bad behavior is bad behavior. Don’t let them get away with things you wouldn't normally let them do simply because they’ve lost their mom. If you let “mom’s death” become an excuse for acting out, getting bad grades, or staying out past curfew, you’re doing to end up dealing with a self-centered brat very quickly. Quash it before it spirals out of control.
  • You’re a parent first and foremost. Don’t fall into the trap of being their friend to help them move on. You’re a parent. You need to stay no and give your kids an environment where they can feel safe. But being a parent also includes creating a place where they can talk openly to you and know that you’ll listen or even cry on your shoulder. But you’ve got to remember your role is that of dad and not best friend. Don’t slip out of it.
  • Read Jenn’s comment on my last post. Jennings a regular reader to this site. Until last week I had no idea she was the child of a widow. She describes her experience being raised by a widow as follows. I think it provides a good perspective on what our kids really want.

I am the child of a widow (my father died when I was 8), and my mother was guilty of over-indulging us. It was awful. I felt guilty every time she gave us anything, because I knew she was doing it in an attempt to compensate for the loss of my father. It didn’t work – there isn’t anything that can make up for a loss so significant. Indulging a child on occasion is okay, doing it as a way of parenting on a regular basis is not. My brother was younger when my father died, so he pretty much grew up with an attitude of expecting to get everything he wanted, whenever he wanted it. He is still this way.

What kids need when a parent dies is consistency, understanding, and for the remaining parent to actually BE a parent, not a friend. Whatever rules were in place BEFORE the mother died, should be in place now. I understand being more flexible at first – when your whole world has been turned upside down. But you cannot live, and you definitely cannot thrive, in the upside down world. Kids need to know that even though there has been an ENORMOUS change, that some things are still unchanged. I would have felt safer if my mom had still been the same mom (regarding her rules and expectations of me) after my father’s death as she was before.

I know that it can’t be easy (my mother definitely struggled) to say ‘no’ to a child who has lost a parent, but they need it. Otherwise, it’s like losing 2 parents. As a kid who was over-indulged after losing her father, all I can tell you is that what I wanted was for my mother to be my mother. I NEEDED restrictions, I NEEDED proper nutrition, I NEEDED a bedtime, and I NEEDED to hear no. All kids do. Would I have whined and been upset at times? I’m sure I would have, but all kids do – it’s a normal part of growing up. I ended up parenting myself for the remainder of my childhood, and while it definitely made me more mature, I admit that I still feel resentment toward my mother for her “softness” after my father died.

You can read her entire comment here.

No parent is perfect. I certainly don’t claim to be one. But whether you’re a single parent or have a spouse to help you out, we all make mistakes. But you can’t become a “dead” parent to your kids. You still have to keep things running as smoothly and give them some sort of normally to your children’s lives. It’s not always easy—especially on days when you’re absolutely exhausted. But there are no days off when it comes to being a dad. You've got to keep pressing forward and being the best father you can possibly be.

Feel free to share your own thoughts and suggestions in the comments below.

Widower Wednesday: Man Up and Be a Dad

From the Inbox comes the following:

I’m dating widower who feels very sorry that his daughter has lost her mother. As a result he over indulges her. At age 10, she still believes in Santa Claus he says he doesn't want to tell her the truth because he worried how it will affect her. He also doesn't enforce certain types of behavior, such as having her go to bed on time (she stays up until 11:00 p.m. every night) or eat balanced meals. Basically he doesn't push her to do things she doesn't want to do.It’s very difficult for him to "deprive" her of things she likes, even when it's in her best interest in the long run.

I am concerned that should we get married it will be a rough road getting both he and his daughter to see me as a true parent who has an active role in the discipline process, too. I feel there are more constructive ways to accomplish things than to indulge children. Is there a reason the W is behaving this way? Is it guilt? What can I do to help?

There could be lots of reasons the widower is spoiling his daughter. It might be feelings of guilt about their loss or inadequacy of being a single dad. Maybe he left the parenting up to his wife and really has no clue what to do. Whatever is driving this, you’re right to be concerned. He’s made series of bad parenting decisions and needs regain control before these behaviors are ingrained in her mind and things really begin to spiral out of control.

The problem is, that you’re just the girlfriend and don’t have the same level of parental authority with the daughter as her father. Having you tell her to go to bed at, say, 9:00 p.m. doesn't carry the same weight as her father saying it.

Since you’re just in the dating stages, I would talk to the widower about his parenting (or lack thereof) and see if he even views it as a problem. If he knows he’s not doing the right thing by catering to his daughter’s every whim, then there’s hope things can change. At that point you can offer suggestions on how to be a better dad. Maybe one week he starts enforcing an earlier bedtime. The next week she has to eat her vegetables. The third week there’s another. Maybe everything changes at once. That’s something the two of you need to work out.

What’s important is that you see him manning up and taking his role as father more seriously instead of just giving it lip service. It’s also critical that you’re both on the same page when it comes to parenting roles, discipline, and other parenting issues. If you’re not in agreement on these once you become her step mother, his daughter will learn how to exploit the differences and pit the two of you against each other.

Right now it’s up to the widower to right the ship. And, yes, it needs to be fixed as soon as possible. If nothing changes it’s better to end it now. Otherwise you’re just asking for future problems and heartaches by continuing with the relationship. If the widower refuses to change, he's the one that going to have to deal with the consequences. Next week I'll write about how widowhood isn't an excuse for lousy parenting.

Have any readers experienced something similar? If so, leave a comment how you've handled bad widower parenting issues and successfully blended families.

Widower Wednesday: 5 Questions

You have until the end of the month to submit a story to my final widower relationship book. You can see the kind of stories I’m looking for here.

***

I've received a lot of requests for a Widower Wednesday column about blending families and getting step children to accept each other. Since Marathon Girl and I didn't have any (living) children when we were married I don’t feel I can adequately address the topic. However, I know a lot of readers have done this. So if you think you have a story and some thoughts to share with GOWs and WOWs who are struggling with or looking to blend families, send me an email. I’ll post the stories in a future column.

***

Occasionally I’ll get some unique questions that can be answered relatively quickly and usually aren't worth devoting an entire column to. Today you’ll find 5 of those questions below. I hope you can find some of them useful.

Q: Does a picture of the late wife in the wallet mean more than a picture of her on the wall of their home?

A: No. A photo is a photo. It doesn't matter if it’s on the wall, in someone’s wallet, or on a desk at their work. If you’re in a serious or committed relationship with a widower the question you should be asking is why isn't there a photo of you on the wall, in the wallet, or on his desk.

Q: What are some questions can you ask a widower to know if he’s ready to move on?

A: It really doesn't matter what you ask him because a widower who’s looking to use you for emotional support, sex, or as a fill-in for the late wife will say whatever you want to hear. Widowers show through their actions that they’re ready to make you number one. Widowers who are putting on an act will eventually show their true colors. Pay more attention to how a widower treats you—not what he says.

Q: Do you recommend getting back with a widower who was physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive in the past but now promises it won’t happen again?

A: No! No! No! No! No! Going back to an abusive relationship is putting yourself (and kids, if you have any) in danger. Don’t do it because odds are the abuse is going to start again at some point. Start a new life without that person in it.

Q: My widower is having a hard time moving on. I think some professional help would help him take the next step. Do you think seeing someone would help him take the next step?

A: One thing to remember about seeing a grief counselor, shrink, or some other kind of professional is that they can only help people who want to change their life or move it forward. If the widower’s open to getting help, then it might be a good idea to see someone. If he’s insists he doesn't need help or doesn't think it would do any good than you’re both wasting each other’s time and money. Also keep in mind that philosophies and techniques on how to help the bereaved can vary widely from professional to professional. You should both do your homework and find someone you both feel will be of the most help.

Q: Would you recommend a long distance relationship with a widower?

A: As a rule, no. Long distance relationships can and do work but they’re much harder to maintain because most of the communication is over the phone or computer instead of face-to-face, one-on-one time. Big breaks between personal contact means it takes longer to really get to know the other person and decide if the relationship has long term potential. Marriage and committed relationships are about spending time and making two lives one. It’s difficult to do that when you live 1,000 miles apart. If you get involved in a long distance relationship one of you is eventually going to have to pack up and move for it to work out. If one or both of you can see yourself doing than, then maybe there’s some hope that it will work. Otherwise it may not be worth the time and effort.

Widower Wednesday: Friends Who Still Grieve

Reminder: I’m looking for stories from GOWs and WOWs to use in my final widower relationship book. More information can be found here.

***

One of the topics several readers suggested I write about was how to deal with friends who either don’t accept a widower’s new relationship or continue to morn their dead friend. Then yesterday a reader, doc, left the following comment about a similar problem he and his wife are currently experiencing.

“. . .[W]e have found it very difficult to deal with other peoples inability to be in the present too and in particular their lack of thought for us. They have readily let my wife be labelled [sic] as insecure. We both understand that I have a past as does my wife but we just want to live in the present.

Some people who should have been very close to us have done this by keeping a shrine of my first marriage unbeknownst to us until recently when we discovered it and it has been particularly destructive to our relationship.

I would really appreciate some advice and experiences of anyone who has had a similar problem in coping with how others respect your present and getting them to understand and do so. We have spoken to the other party involved previous to this happening and feel let down by them but they don’t seem to understand and are happy to inflict it on my wife and let her be labeled [sic] as insecure.

In reply Annie offered the following perspective.

Going just on the info you've provided, it appears that by engaging with this folks on the topic of your LW, shrines and such, you are giving life to their interference. Stop.

During the first year or so of our marriage, two of the LW”s siblings came to him and expressed their disappointment in his moving on “so quickly”. It was hurtful to them. My husband told them, I am sorry if you feel hurt but this is my life. He also made it clear that their feelings were theirs to deal with and to never bring it up to him again. He simply would not have this conversation with either of them again. The end.

I made it clear to my family and friends that my life was not a democracy and only positive, forward thinking attitudes were allowed. Anything else they could keep to themselves.

And, imo, that’s probably what you and your wife should do. Just stop engaging on the topic. Let these ppl wallow as they please but make it clear that you don’t want to hear about it again.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Most, though not all, family and friends will get on board once they know you aren't in a game playing mood. Good luck.

In addition to agreeing with Annie’s advice, I would add that no one is obligated to spend time with anyone else—especially those that hold you back from moving forward with life or destroy your current relationship. After I married Marathon Girl we dramatically scaled back spending time with those who just didn't get that I was ready to start a new life. We didn't burn any bridges but simply just stopped associating with those who weren't ready to move forward with us. Since then they've all moved on and weave been able to re-establish relationships and now see them when our schedules and life permits.

I always tell GOWs and WOWs that life is too short to waste time with widowers who aren't ready to move on. It’s also too short to spend time with those who try to hold us back. Free yourself from destructive influences and spend that time strengthening your relationship with your spouse because that’s one relationship that can last the rest of this life and into the next as well.

Feel free to share your own stories or thoughts about friends who can’t move on with Doc in the comments section below.