Widower Wednesday: Valentine’s Day and Marriage

I’m answering two questions from readers in this week’s Widower Wednesday column. The first has to do with Valentine’s Day and the second has to do with marriage.

Here’s the first letter:

Hi Abel,

My widower boyfriend has a romantic Valentine’s Day weekend planned. I was very excited about it until I learned that we’ll be going to the same city and hotel that the late wife and he used to visit for romantic weekends. Now I’m not looking forward to it at all and feel like he’s just reliving the past instead of making new memories with me. Do you have any suggestions on the best way to talk about this with him?

And here’s my answer: First figure out what’s really bothering you. Is it the fact that you’re staying the same hotel, visiting the same city, doing the same things they did, or a combination of all of them. If, for example, it’s just the same hotel that’s bothering you, then look up some other places to stay. In short, don’t go there to complain about the trip but be excited about the trip with some possible modifications.

Next, find a quiet time to talk and express your concerns about wanting to make new memories together. Tell him that you’re still interested in a romantic getaway where the two of you can spend some time growing closer and give him some alterative plans to consider. The thing to remember you can’t make the conversation about the past or his late wife. It has to be focused on building a foundation for a strong relationship and a future together. Hopefully your boyfriend loves you enough to understand your concerns and the two of you can come to a compromise that will make the weekend memorable for both of you.

And here’s the second letter:

Dear Abel,

Thank God for your website. It’s been a big help. I have a quick question I’m hoping you can help me with. My boyfriend had been widowed for 3 years after a 20-year marriage to his late wife. We’ve been dating for nearly two years. Our relationship has reached a point where I want to discuss getting married. However, every time I bring up the subject he tells me that he doesn’t want to tie the knot again and is fine with the relationship as is. (We’re living together.) In all other respects he’s a good guy and treats me well. The fact that he was willing to pledge his love to the late wife but not to me is making me feel second best. Am I making too big a deal out of this or should I just move forward and be content with the relationship as it is?

My answer: There’s a big difference between being married and not being married. I know that not everyone wants to get married and if both couples are fine not tying the knot, that’s one thing. But that’s not the case here. If you think and feel you’ll never be number one in the widower’s heart until he marries you or, at the very least, puts a ring on your finger, you’re probably correct.

What you first need to do is decide how important it is to be married. If it is something you really need, you both need to have a serious conversation about where you both see the relationship going. If he’s adamant that he doesn't want to get married again, then you’re probably better off moving on to greener pastures. There’s really no point being with someone if the two of you don’t have the same vision for where this relationship should be headed.

Link to All Widower Wednesday Columns

Due to popular demand, I've created a page that contains the links to all 112 (!) Widower Wednesday columns I've written to date. You can find that page here. Bookmark it so you can find it quickly. Also, tonight I’ll email my editor the latest and greatest draft of Living with a Widower for her review. This weekend I’ll go through all the stories that were emailed me and start notifying people whether or not I’d like to include your story in this book. The second rounds of edits are scheduled to go to the editor on February 1. If all goes well, I should have the book released by the end of February.

Finally, even though I Widower Wednesday columns are going to be monthly until I can get this book out the door, I will be posting short reviews of Go On every Wednesday and touch on the points that GOWs and WOWs might appreciate as well as a link to where you can watch the latest episode. Think of it was pop culture Widower Wednesday. :)

Look for my first review tomorrow.

Widower Wednesday: Don’t Waste Your Life

It’s 2013 and many people have made resolutions for the New Year. Whether or not you’ve made any resolutions may I suggest may you add one to your list: Don’t waste your life.

One of the sad things I saw over and over again in my inbox last year were relationships that came to an ignominious end after the GOW patiently waited for years for the widower to give her the same love and respect that he gave the last wife.

It doesn’t take years to know if the widower is ready to move on. In fact, it generally takes a year or less to know whether he’s ready to give his heart to you or if you’re spinning your wheels. If you’ve been together more than a year and you still feel like you’re living in the shadow of the late wife or he has some major grief issues that need to be resolved, you’re better ending the relationship. If the widower hasn’t been able to open his heart to you after a year together, additional time isn’t going to change things. Odds are he’ll still feel the same way at two years, five years, and ten years. Life is too short to spend precious months and years with someone who’s not ready to give his heart and soul to you.

If both people want something bad enough to happen, things have a tendency to fall into place and work out. It was that way in my relationship with the late wife and with Marathon Girl. I’ve seen friends and family members experience it as well as many others widowers and GOWS experience it. You can’t fit a round peg into a round hole. Don’t try to make something work that, for whatever reason, isn’t meant to be.

Make 2013 the year you stop investing time and emotions into a relationship that’s not going anywhere. Instead resolve to put that effort into more productive endeavors.

Widower Wednesday: 2012 Columns

Here's a complete list of all the Widower Wednesday columns that were published in 2012. Watch for new ones in 2013. January 4 | Call For Marrying a Widower Stories

January 11 | What if She Dies?

January 18 | Photos of Hope

January 25 | Remembering the Past, Embracing the Future

February 1 | Cutting Your Losses

February 8 | Dating a Widow

February 15 | The Wrong Question

February 22 | Forgive and Forget

February 29 | Leap of Faith

March 7 |  Testing the Water

March 14 | Cover Suggestions

March 21 | Reprise

March 28 | Abundance vs. Scarcity

April 4 | How to Talk to a GOW

April 11 | Giving Books to Widowers

April 18 | Marrying a Widower Chapter 1

April 25 | A Book for Widowers?

May 2 | The Love of My Life

May 9 | Bad Talking the Late Wife

May 16 | A Different Emotional Place

May 23 | Widower Movies

May 30 | Awkward!

June 6 | How to Flirt with a Widower

June 13 | Stop Acting like a Victim

June 20 | All Your Life

June 27 | Writing About Loss

July 4 | Independence Day

July 11 | Facebook and the Late Wife

July 18 | What It’s Like Dating a Widower

July 25 | Positive Things about Dating a Widower

August 1 | Widowers and Ultimatums

August 8 | Widowers in the News

August 15 | Go On

August 22 | Call for Topics

August 29 | Sex with the Late Wife

September 12 | It Doesn’t Matter How She Died

September 19 | 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Get a Memorial Tattoo

September 26 | Women, Widowers, and Insecurity

October 3 | Friends Who Still Grieve

October 10 |  5 Questions

October 17 | Man Up and Be a Dad

October 24 | Man Up and Be a Dad Part 2

October 31 | Secret Relationships

November 7 | Making New Dreams

November 14 | Lawsuits, Forgiveness, and Moving On

November 21 | Where to Spend the Holidays

November 28 | The Widower, His Children, and Christmas

December 5 | Why You Should Watch Go On

December 12 | Erasing a Widower's Past

December 19 | Different Kinds of Loss

Widower Wednesday: Different Kinds of Loss

From the inbox:

Dear Abel,

I read your last post and as a result I  had a discussion with my widower about taking some of the late wife’s photographs down. He said the losing a spouse was like losing a son or daughter and that he wouldn't expect anyone to take down photos of a deceased child. That three days ago. The photos are still up and I don’t think they’ll ever come down. Since the widower feels this way about the photos, is it even worth bringing up the subject again or should I learn to live with them?

Thanks,

S.

Hi S.

You can’t compare the loss of a spouse with the loss of a child. They’re incredibly difficult and heartbreaking but they can’t be compared because the relationship you have with that person is different. Grieving, moving on, and healing from those losses are different too.

You may not have lost a spouse or child, but maybe you've lost a parent, grandparent, friend, or someone else you've cared about. If you have, think about how you grieved and moved on from each of those losses. I’m willing to bet that each was unique. It’s the same with a spouse and child.

Both my late wife’s and Hope’s death ripped me apart emotionally but the pain and grief I experienced was very different. Hope’s was much deeper and much more difficult. The pain is still there in the deep place in my heart. It’s something I don’t know will ever go away. The death of a child is something I hope never to have to experience again.

It sounds like you’re widower is coming up with excuses not to take the photos of his late wife down. You can get used to them if you want but if they bother you, I suggest a widower that’s going to put photographs of the late wife over your wants and needs isn't worth dating.

Widower Wednesday: Erasing a Widower’s Past

A widower writes to Dear Prudence with the following question:

I was married for 25 years to an amazing woman who came to a sudden and untimely end. I am now dating another amazing woman. After dating for a year, we moved in together six months ago and love each other like crazy. We have our differences, but nothing that I wouldn't expect for any two people trying to make their separate lives into one. Except one thing: I want to keep my late wife as a part of my life in the form of a few pictures, a couple of specific mementos, and the occasional topic of conversation. Sometimes my girlfriend is supportive of this but sometimes she is not and it causes her pain. I've read how you dealt with your husband's first wife and was hoping you could help me learn what topics are more likely to hurt my girlfriend so I can handle them more adroitly, or alternately give me some words I can use to explain better to my girl that I love her completely too. I've tried but sometimes she ends up feeling second best, like some kind of leftover, but she is not second best she is amazing. I don't think this is a long-term deal-breaker, I just want to make things easier for my girl.

To which Prudence answers:

It sounds as if you've done plenty to explain to your new partner that you love her completely. It also sounds as if the place of your late wife in your conversation and home is appropriate and not intrusive. Perhaps your girlfriend is trying to express to you that any reminders of your first wife are painful to her and that at best she indulges this, but editing your first wife out completely would be preferred. So it's up to you to explain that at this point in your lives you each have complicated histories that are part of who you are, and you are not comfortable if you have to catch yourself before you say things such as, "I love Florence. Rachel and I went there for our 10th anniversary." You two should have sorted this out better before moving in. But maybe a counselor will help you each understand the other's perspective.

Regular readers of this column know that I generally don’t agree with the advice Prudie gives widowers or those who are dating them. However,  I strongly agree with her that this is something the couple should have worked out before moving in together. But what really grated me was the following sentence that echoes a common refrain when the subject of taking down photographs of the late wife or putting away the late wife's personal items arrises.

Perhaps your girlfriend is trying to express to you that any reminders of your first wife are painful to her and that at best she indulges this, but editing your first wife out completely would be preferred.

For the billionth time: When a girlfriend of a widower (GOW) or a wife of a widower (WOW) objects to pictures, trinkets, or other objects around the house that remind the widower of his first marriage, it generally has nothing to do with wanting to edit or erase the first wife out of the widower’s life. Rather, it has to do with the home they share feeling like theirs instead of hers. It’s hard to move forward and concentrate on the now or even think about the future with someone when reminders of his past life are scattered around the house.

GOWs and WOWs understand that the woman he married helped make him the man he is today. They’re fine with the late wife coming up in conversation. Really, they are. They don’t expect widowers to not to talk about her. Unless she’s a constant topic of conversation, they’re not threatened by a story of his past. All they want is to feel like they’re the number one in a widower’s heart and don’t have to compete with a ghost for a widower’s love, affection, and attention. Asking for what anyone else expects in any other relationship isn't some extreme position taken by those who are insecure. It’s all about feeling like the center of the other person’s universe instead of feeling like they’re part of a threesome.

GOWs and WOWs who want the widower to edit the late wife completely out of his life are the exception—not the rule. In the 10 years that I've taken emails from women in relationships with widowers, I can count on one hand the number of times a GOW wanted to pretend that the widower was never married or never in love before she came into his life. And my advice to them has always been that they shouldn't be in a relationship with a widower if they feel that way.

Yes, we all come with a “complicated history” but that doesn't mean we should put our past out there for everyone to see. We don’t expect people to put photos of their past boyfriend and girlfriends, or ex-spouses up when they start a new relationship. Widowers shouldn't be given a pass simply because of the way their relationship ended in death instead of a mutual breakup or nasty divorce. They want the same fresh start anyone else would get.

If both parties are okay with some mementos or photographs around the house, there’s nothing wrong with that. If they don’t bother a GOW or WOW, more power to them. But can we please stop pretending that women who aren't comfortable with photos of the late wife around the house are insecure or trying to delete or edit her out of the widower’s past. It’s simply not true. All they want is to feel like is the widower is ready to give his heart to them and treat them with the same love, affection, and respect that the widower gave the late wife.

What, exactly, is wrong with that?

Widower Wednesday: Why You Should Watch Go On

I promised myself I wasn't going to write anything else about Go On until the season was over. But after watching two recent episodes I feel compelled to recommend this show again to widowers and those who are in relationship with them.

The show is billed as a comedy and, yes, it has some very funny moments. But it also treats the issues of losing a spouse and starting a new life very seriously.  In fact Go On does a better job of addressing the issues of loss and rebuilding a life better than any other TV show I’ve seen. Some of the scenes hit so close to home and echo the feelings of countless emails I’ve received over the years that I swear one of the writers or producers of the show has to be a widower or good friends with one because they nail the issues and feelings that the widower experience perfectly.

(Warning: Spoilers follow.)

For example, in one recent episode, a female college friend of Ryan (Matthew Perry) comes to town for a visit. Ryan finds that romantic feelings for his friend are rekindled once they spend some time together. (How many widowers have experienced something similar?) His friend finds that she has feelings for him too but at the end of the episode tells him it’s too soon for them to get together because she doesn’t want to be the rebound relationship—the first one who has to follow in the steps of Ryan’s late wife. She leaves the possibly of something happening in the future but says that Ryan needs some time and to date around a bit before they give it a shot.

It would have been really easy for the writers to put widower Ryan in a relationship with his old college flame and have him screw it up. In some ways, watching him bumble up a date with would have made for some funny scenes. But the writers aren’t going for cheap humor. They’re building a believable character with real feelings who’s surrounded by people who care for him and are trying to help him move on. That, my friends, takes real talent.

In the following episode, Ryan decides he’s finally ready to start dating again. The show starts with him watching an attractive woman jog by his house day after day. He realizes his feelings of wanting to date again and we’re given the following scene at his office the next day.

Ryan: Carrie, I’m ready to put myself back on the market. I’m down to my sexiest weight, my tan is strong, and my gift for saucy banter has come back.

Carrie (Ryan’s assistant): I've never seen you single before.

R: Yeah, it’s going to be bad. I’m bad at it. Look, I don’t know if I’m ready but I’m definitely lonely so I’m going to take some shots even if I make some terrible mistakes. (Pauses and looks at Carrie.) What about you? Should we hook up?

C: I don’t really feel like being a terrible mistake.

R: Yeah, I read you. Got to get the word out though. Let’s update my Facebook page!

Between that witty dialogue is a deep admission of how most widowers feel when they enter the dating game again: they’re lonely and willing to take a chance, even if they screw up big time.

Later in the episode Ryan gets invited to a beach volleyball game with several tall, beautiful, and athletic women. He clumsily tries to hit on them and fails miserably each time. At the end of the scene Ryan confesses to Carrie that he “doesn’t want to be doing this. I want to be married.”

Truer words were never spoken.

I’m not going to tell you how the episode ends other than to say it has a very good and very realistic message for widowers and those who are dating them.

If you want an episode that does a good job of showing what goes through a widower’s mind when they’re first dating and how easy it is for them to get attached to someone, this show does an excellent job.

You can watch the episode where Ryan starts dating below. Miss it at your own widower-relationship peril.

Widower Wednesday: Where to Spend the Holidays

 

Today I'm re-posting a holiday themed Widower Wednesday column from last year. If you have a holiday issues you'd like addressed send me an email.

***

Today I’m going to jump into one holiday topic earlier than usual because it’s already popping up on discussion boards and in my email box. The issue is how much time the widower should spend with the late wife’s family during the holidays. The situations are a little complex but here are three typical situations I’ve been seeing a lot of lately.

Situation 1: The widower has no kids or all of his kids are grown and out of the house. The widower is heading to the in-laws for the majority of the holidays and doesn’t invite the girlfriend to accompany him. When the girlfriend asks about spending time alone or with her family, widower pushes her concerns to the side and says they’ll see each other after the holidays.

My thoughts: The widower isn’t ready for a serious relationship or doesn’t consider the relationship to be on the same level as the woman he’s dating. This is a good opportunity to have a heart-to-heart talk with the widower and how you both feel about the relationship and whether or not this going to be a long term or serious deal. If you’re not on the same page, it’s a good time as any to end the relationship and move on. If the widower claims he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with you you but insists on spending the holidays without you by his side, don’t stand around waiting for him to return. It’s time to move on.

Situation 2: The widower has minor children living at home. When the late wife was alive, it was tradition to spend the holidays with her family. Girlfriend may or may not be invited to attend. When asked to alter plans to accompany her family or her holiday traditions, the widower is resistant or hesitant to change his plans because the kids need some amount of normalcy after losing their mother.

My thoughts: One of the problems I see in long-term widower relationships is that during the first year there are issues that the girlfriend gives a pass to because. With the situation above, often I’ve seen the girlfriend not try to get to upset the first year it happens only to have the situation repeat itself again and again year after year. Instead of getting upset, this is a perfect opportunity to have conversation about holiday traditions what are the holidays going to be like next year, the year after, or five years down the road? What will happen once you’re engaged or married? Is there a concrete reason the widower won’t compromise and split time with your or your family?

The “I’m still grieving” or “I’m doing it for the kids” excuse is a cop out and a sign the widower has no backbone. Don’t fall for it. You need to figure out the real reason. Also there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend part of the holidays with the late wife’s family—especially if minor children are involved. However, every relationship requires some degree of compromise and if you don’t work it out early in the relationship, odds are its going keep being an issue as long as the two of you are together.

Situation 3: The girlfriend is invited to accompany him and the kids with the late wife’s family. While she doesn’t mind spending part of her holidays with them, she feels uncomfortable spending the entire holiday season with them. She wants time to get to know him and his kids better and introduce them to her family too.

My thoughts: Starting a new life often means replacing old traditions with new ones. Letting go of practices that have gone on for years can be difficult. But part of starting a new life means figuring out which ones to hold on to and which ones to replace. When I was dating Marathon Girl and our first holiday season together was approaching, we sat down decided how we wanted to spend our time during the holidays and informed my family, her family, and the late wife’s family of our plans. No one complained. A few years ago because of our growing family we altered our plans again and told my family and her family how we were spending the holidays. Again, no one complained. The result, however, has always been an enjoyable holiday season for the two of us and our children.

Lawsuits, Forgiveness, and Moving On

Book update: I’m still sifting through the stories that were sent in. If you haven’t heard from me, don’t panic. I hope to have this all done after the Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks for your patience.

***

A week or so after Krista died I got a call from an attorney. The attorney wanted to know if Krista had taken any antidepressants or other medication before she killed herself.  I asked the attorney why she wanted to know that information and she started babbling on about how anti-depressants were linked to an increase in suicide and that she was represented people who were suing drug companies for damages.

I can’t remember what I said to her but I do remember hanging up the phone feeling upset that someone was trying to use Krista’s death for their own benefit.

About six months after Krista’s death I received a call from a friend informing me that the mental health councilor Krista had been seeing before she died has passed away from a drug overdose. Apparently he had a drug problem for years and finally succumbed to his addiction. After I got off the phone with my friend, I started wondering if the councilor’s addiction might have got in the way of helping Krista. Had he been under the influence during some of the counseling sessions? Had his addiction affected his judgment with Krista? Would she be alive if she had seen someone else? Questions flowed through my mind. And for the first time in my life, I thought about suing someone.

I did a free consultation with an attorney (who wanted to take the case) and a few others about moving forward with a lawsuit but eventually decided that it wasn't worth it. There were lots of reasons I decided not to move forward with it but the biggest reason was that I had finally reached a point in my life where I felt things were moving forward. I had just started dating again and I was able to go through most days without bursting into tears at some point. I knew that going down the lawsuit road would halt a lot of the progress I was making. For me, moving forward with my life was more important than assigning blame.

I tell this story because I’ll occasionally get an email from someone who’s dating a widower that’s suing someone over the death of his late wife. Sometimes it’s a hospital and doctors, or a drunk driver, or a cigarette manufacturer or drug company. Whoever they’re suing, the one commonality I see in all these emails is that the litigation makes it hard for the widower to start a new life. Instead they generally become focuses and/or obsessed with the legal case that it makes it difficult for them to move on and open their heart to someone else.

I’m not saying that all lawsuits are bad. There are times when I think lawsuits are justified and other times I roll my eyes that such a frivolous case even made it to court. Nor am I saying you shouldn't date widowers who are suing someone over the death of his late wife. All I’m asking is that you be aware of potential drawbacks when it comes to making you the center of his universe. Lawsuits have a funny way of consuming someone’s life until the matter is settled. And knowing how slowly things move through the US legal system, it could be years before the matter is resolved.

I have no regrets about not pursuing a lawsuit. Had I started legal proceedings, I doubt that my life would be where it is today had I followed that path. In my case it was better to forgive, forget, and start over.