Widower Wednesday: Becoming One

First, thanks to everyone who is giving ideas and feedback for a series of columns on dating a widower when children (his or yours) are involved. I'm still taking ideas and feedback for the next week. If you'd like to share your story, leave a comment here or on the DAW Facebook group, or send me an email.

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My column two weeks ago on wills and prenuptial agreements started an interesting side discussion in the comment section on inheritances and what, if anything should go to the widower’s children or his second wife’s children. Though I’m not going to dive into the subject of inheritances today, frequent visitor and commentator Annie has written a great column on it that I encourage you to read.

But the side discussion got me thinking about becoming one with your (future) spouse. A lot of the emails that reach my inbox there’s a tendency for at least one person in the relationship to become extremely possessive about their “stuff”. Whatever possessions they bring to the marriage divided up between his and hers. Fights ensue whether or not to put his couch or her couch in the living room. The couple has separate checking accounts, cars, and other things. One woman recently wrote about the frustration she felt when she and her husband went on vacation and split all the expenses of the trip 50/50. After they got back, her husband started complaining that she hadn't paid her fair share of the trip.

If you want a long, successful marriage, there shouldn't be any idea that there are his things and your things. Everything belongs to both of you—and yes that includes things that may have belonged to the late wife.

Both Marathon Girl and I didn't have much in terms of material possessions when we got married though I probably had a few more things simply because of my previous marriage. In the weeks before the wedding we decided which things of hers and mine would be moving with us to our new apartment. The things we decided not to take were either given to family members or thrift stores. There was no discussion about whose stuff this was going to be after we were married because we both felt that whatever we brought into the relationship would become ours.

The kitchen table that my late wife bought for a steal a year into my first marriage was never thought of as “Krista’s table.” It was our table and served us well for the first seven or eight years of our marriage until we needed and bought a new one. Same went for our cars, pots and pans, books, and the small amount of money I made from selling my house right a few weeks before we tied the knot.

If there are things from the late wife that the widower wants to leave his children, or family heirlooms you want to leave yours, then give it to them now (if the kids or adults) or find a safe place to store them until the kids are old enough to decide if they’re even something they want. But don’t let those items fill up your home and become a source of contention. It’s simply not worth it.

Sometimes becoming one it means re-evaluating and re-prioritizing relationships with others. Maybe becoming means less time with the late wife’s family or less time with friends or with coworkers in order to spend more time with your spouse. Marathon Girl and I moved about 30 miles away after we were married in part because we thought it would be easier to spend more time with each other and rely on each other more if we lived in a city where we didn't know anyone and had to make a fresh start.

The more things come between spouses and divide them the weaker their marriage becomes and the easier it becomes to fall apart. However, you should both have the desire to become one and make each other a stronger and better person. Whether that means combine the checking accounts, material possessions, or moving to another city, your marriage and your spouse should come first. Period.

If you can’t see yourself giving up some possessions, re-prioritizing other relationships, or starting over in a new home or city in order to make your marriage work, then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship and decide if the person you’re dating is someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

Widower Wednesday: Finances, Prenups, and Wills

The last couple of weeks I've got several emails in regards to prenuptial agreements. Here’s one form a GOW who gave me permission to share it with readers.

Dear Abel

I’m dating a widower who is very well off financially. Since we've become serious his children has expressed concern to their father about what will happen to his estate should he pass on before I do. I understand their concern but at the same time I don’t want to be left with nothing should he die. (I don’t have much.) I’m not marrying him for his money. I’m in my 60's and have lived frugally most of my life and don’t need or want much. However, at the same time I don’t want to find myself turned out of his house with nowhere to live go should he pass on before me. I’m happy to sign a prenuptial agreement if he wants but worry that I’ll sound like I’m greedy if I bring up the subject of his finances and money. What is the best way to handle this situation?

Best,

C.

C.,

If you’re in a serious relationship and the two of you have talked about spending the rest of your lives together, you need to able to talk about things like money, finances, and the with him. The sooner you do it, the better it will be for you, him, and anyone else involved in this situation. When you have some time alone, bring up your concerns and let him know why you’re asking these questions. You’re not being greedy by bringing up the subject. It’s something you need to know now so you can decide what consequences you might face should the two of you get married or move in together.

If you both come to an agreement or understanding, then have the legal paperwork drawn up. Hire an independent attorney review them before you sign anything just to make sure you really understand what you’re getting yourself into. Just understand that as of now it’s his wealth and he’s free to do whatever he wants with it. He can give it all to you, his kids, his favorite charity, or a pet cat. He’s under no obligation right now it to you, his kids, or anyone else.

I think that you’ll find out that this conversation isn't a big of deal to him as you’re making it out to be. Most people don’t have a problem discussing this with someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. Widowers are somewhat more willing to have these conversations since they've already lost someone and understand the consequences of having (or not having) a will or other legal agreements in place should their spouse die. Just don’t wait to do it or have things changed after your married. Life is short. All it takes is a sudden heart attack or car accident to end things. It should be agreed upon and taken care of sooner rather than later.

Have the talk and let me know how it turns out.

Widower Wednesday: Gifts for a Widower

Occasionally someone will send me an email with either an incomplete or no email address to respond to. Today I’ll answer one email that the sender forgot to include a reply email address.

Dear Abel

I am engaged to a widower and was wondering if you had any gift giving recommendations for the first anniversary of his late wife. It's the day after tomorrow. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Y.

I have to admit that I’ve never heard of a GOW or WOW getting a gift for the widower on the anniversary of his late wife’s death. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but just that I’ve never known a woman dating a widower to do it. I’m curious as to why you feel the need to give him something.

Generally on the first anniversary it’s better if the widower to let the widower take the lead and decide how he wants to spend the day. Hopefully he won’t let this sad anniversary get him down and he’ll realize how much progress he’s made over the last year and that he now has another great woman in his life.  But if you really feel that giving him something will help, find a sympathy card or just send him a quick email or text letting him know you’re thinking about him. But leave it at that. Don’t make a big deal out of a day that tends to focus people on the past and their loss. Instead hope that he has the good sense to focus on the people he has in his life and all the other blessings that he has.

Widower Wednesday: Wanting to Date Again

Another question from a widower this week. Next week I’ll go back to addressing questions from GOWs and WOWs.

Dear Abel,

I lost my wife three months ago after a tragic accident. This may sound crazy to most people but I feel like dating again. Is it normal for men to feel this way so soon after the death of a spouse? What pointers would you give someone in my situation who decided to start dating again?

Thanks,

T.

T.,

You’ve asked some great questions. First, no there’s nothing wrong with feeling the need to date so soon after the death of your wife. Though how soon widowers have this feeling varies from person to person, wanting to date again is natural and normal. So don’t feel bad or guilty about wanting to take that step.

As for dating again, I generally suggest taking things slow when widowers first start dating again. Most widowers need to learn how to get their dating legs back before they get serious. Date several different people with no other intention other than to learn how to do it again. After a date or two, take some time to think about if this is a step you’re ready to take or need to wait awhile before trying it again.

Keep in mind that problems generally occur is when widowers get attached to the first or second person they date. It’s natural to feel the need for companionship but getting serious with someone right off the bat usually leads to problems. That’s why dating casually for awhile can help you sort out your feelings and avoid leading someone into a serious relationship before you’re ready to take that step.

Dating again is a fun adventure. Ease yourself in to it and enjoy starting this new chapter of your life.

Widower Wednesday: Love the Second Time Around

For the next couple weeks I’m answering emails from widowers. Here is today’s question:

Hi Abel,

My wife passed away a little over a year ago. We were married for 17 years. I started dating six month after she died. After dating around for a bit I finally started dating someone exclusively last month. She’s a great woman and I feel fortunate to have such a smart, attractive, and wonderful woman to get to know better.

The problem is that I can’t sort out my feelings about her. I like her, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know if I’m love with her or just happy to have someone in my life again. I don’t want to be like so many widowers I read about on your blog that string along women just because they want someone—anyone—in their life instead of a serious relationship.

I feel like I have a million feelings I’m trying to sort through and can’t make heads or tails of them. How do widowers know when they’re really in love again?

Thanks,

W.

W.,

What a great question! The answer is surprisingly simple: You know you’re really in love again when you have the same feelings for the new woman as you did the late wife. Love is exactly the same the second time around as it was the first time.

This is something I wish I would have known when I was first dating again. Before I met Marathon Girl I got serious with a girl who I’ll call Jennifer. Whenever I was with her there was something in the back of my mind that kept telling me the relationship wasn't the right one for me. Like you, I was dealing with a million different feelings and thought I was feeling that way because of guilt or not having fully grieved the late wife.

Then Marathon Girl came along. With her the relationship never felt wrong. Several times early in our relationship it freaked me out that I had the same feelings I had for the late wife. Then one day it I realized the reason I felt this way was because I loved her just as much and that there’s wasn't anything wrong or weird about having those feelings.

Whether or not you have these feelings for the woman you’re currently dating is only something you know. And maybe it might take a little more dating before you know for sure. But hopefully this will help you sort them out and know whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Widower Wednesday: Dating and Wedding Rings

For those who missed the announcement, Life with a Widower is now available in paperback. You can order it from Amazon here. If you’d like a signed copy, you can get one here. For those who have ordered books by Sunday night or shared their story in my book, all copies were mailed Monday morning.

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Sometimes I’ll get emails from widowers who are looking to move on and date again but unsure about the best way to proceed. Over the next couple weeks I’ll address these questions. Today’s questions is from widower who is trying to better understand how women he might date feel about his wearing a wedding ring. Readers, this is your chance to leave a comment and help him out!

Hi Abel,

I’m interested in starting to date causally again. I've read through your posts and understand that most women feel uncomfortable dating a widower if he’s still wearing a wedding ring. My question to you is this: Instead of taking my wedding ring off, what if I wore it on my right hand instead of my left? Would that still make them uncomfortable?

Thanks,

G.

Wearing the wedding ring on your right hand instead of your left is definitely a step in the right direction but odds are its still going to make most women uncomfortable—especially if the ring looks like a wedding band. When most women see a widower wearing a wedding ring (no matter what hand it’s on), they wonder why the widower is dating again and if he’s really ready to move on. Do you really want those thoughts going through your date’s mind?

However, the bigger question is this: If you want to date again (albeit casually), why do you feel the need to wear the ring at all? In a past column I wrote that widowers shouldn’t be wearing one on their hand when they’re out on a date. I understand that taking the ring off can be a difficult step but if it’s something you need to do if you’re serious about taking this step in your life. If you can’t bear to be without it for a couple of hours, why not wear it on a necklace around your neck or put it in your pocket while you’re out—somewhere where you know where it is but your date can’t and won’t see it. I wore mine on a necklace for several months and I don’t think any of the women I dated casually were aware of it. (I took it off once Marathon Girl and I got serious. Read Room for Two if you want the full story.) That might be a good comprise that can make you and your date feel comfortable as you take this step.

Good luck and let me what you do and how it turns out.

Widower Wednesday: Medicating Grief

Book Update: For those who missed the announcement, Life with a Widower is available in Kindle, Nook, and Kobo ebook formats. A paperback version will be available next week.

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Back in December the American Psychiatric Association unveiled a proposed new version of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. For those who don’t know, this thick tome is the bible of psychiatric diagnoses. Proposed changes to this latest version are always controversial and the latest is no different. An article in Wired sums the biggest controversy as it relates to grief and depression.

The change, contained in new revisions to the DSM-5, a set of standards used to categorize mental illness, eliminates the so-called bereavement exclusion, which exempts grieving people from diagnoses of depression for two months unless their symptoms are self-destructively extreme. Under the new standards, depression can be more easily diagnosed just two weeks after a death.

“Virtually everyone who is grieving has milder symptoms of depression. What the bereavement exclusion did is separate the normal responses from the severe ones,” such as feelings of worthlessness or suicidal impulses, said psychiatrist Jerome Wakefield of New York University, who studies bereavement and depression.

“This goes over a line. If you can pathologize this kind of feeling, any kind of suffering can be a disorder. It’s a disagreement over the boundaries of normality,” Wakefield said. “What kind of world do you want to have? One where intense, negative feelings we don’t like are labeled as disorders, or a world where people grieve?”

Defenders of the bereavement exclusion’s removal, officially announced Dec. 1 by the American Psychiatric Association, say worries of pathologized grief are overblown. They argue that though not all grieving is depressive, grief-related depression isn’t fundamentally different from what’s considered normal depression. As a result, they say the exclusion makes it unnecessarily difficult for clinicians to deal with bereaved people who legitimately need help.

“I think a good clinician can separate the two,” said Jan Fawcett, a University of New Mexico psychiatrist and head of the DSM-5 working group that authored the change, of normal grief and clinical depression. “We feel that clinicians have been making this judgment all along.”

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In response to the criticisms, the DSM-5?s authors added a footnote instructing clinicians to take recent loss into account when evaluating mild depressive symptoms. To the critics, a footnote doesn’t provide the recognition of grief’s normality contained in the bereavement exclusion.

Many psychiatrists do, however, support the decision. They say distinguishing between grief-related depression and regular depression is illogical. “Defenders of the removal of the exclusion ask, ‘Why should people be denied the diagnosis if their stressor happens to be bereavement, whereas other sufferers whose stressor is job loss, for example, are not?’” said psychiatrist Richard McNally of Harvard University.

You can read the full article at Wired. There’s also a good article on this proposed change in the New York Times here.

Considering how closely symptoms of grief and depression overlap, I don’t think this change is a good thing. Most people who go and see a doctor about depression know usually see their primary care physician or (in some cases) nurse practitioners—not a psychiatrist. In the rushed atmosphere of doctor’s offices, I have a hard time seeing doctors or nurse practitioners being able to determine two weeks out whether or not the person could benefit from medication or will recover just fine on their own. Had this rule been in affect when I lost my late wife, odds are I and many of my friends and family would have been a prime candidate for antidepressants and would have been for at least six to eight months after her death.

For most people there’s something helpful about going through the emotional roller coaster when you lose a loved one. For example, had I not hit the bottom emotionally, I don’t know if there would have been enough motivation to turn my life around as fast as I did. Most people recover and lead normal, happy lives after the death of someone they love and I have a hard time seeing how medicating an otherwise healthy person during this time would help them move on faster. While some people could benefit from antidepressants during this time, it seems to be that they would either be ones who have depression or might be predisposed to become clinically depressed.

As for those who are dating widowers, my concern is that being with someone who may not be adequate dealing with their grief because of medication might be in for a rude awaking once the widowers prescription comes to an end. But as I wrote this I realize that no one has ever mentioned whether or not their widower has taken antidepressants for grief or something else. I’m curious as to how that affected their relationship (if at all). Leave your comments on your experiences or thoughts regarding this proposed change in the comments below.

Life with a Widower Now Available

Good news! Life with a Widower: Overcoming Unique Challenges and Creating a Fulfilling Relationship is now available in the following eBook formats:

A paperback version and other eBook formats will be released next couple of weeks. You can read Chapter 1 of Life with a Widower here.

About Life with a Widower

If you're dating or married to a widower, you've encountered relationship issues that other couples just don’t have to deal with. Whether it’s the comments on his late wife’s Facebook page or the tattoo commemorating the love of his life, there are some situations that are unique to widower relationships.

That’s where Life with a Widower comes in. Drawing on over a decade of experience helping women in relationships with widowers, I tackle the most common, day-to-day widower relationship challenges so you can gracefully navigate and overcome them. A few of the topics include:

  • The best way to handle events held in the late wife’s memory
  • How to keep the late wife out of the bedroom
  • Tips and tricks to improve communication with your widower
  • How to forgive a widower who’s hurt you and decide whether you should give him a second chance

The book also includes over a dozen stories from women who have experienced similar challenges and tells how they overcame seemingly impossible situations.

Whether you’re married to a widower, dating one, or in a long-term relationship, Life with a Widower will help you think through these challenges to develop a successful, fulfilling relationship.