Widower Wednesday: Podcast Tomorrow

I'm postponing today's regular Widower Wednesday column until tomorrow. The reason is that I'll be featured on a podcast about getting it together after loss. I'll post a link tomorrow as soon as the show is available. Until then, feel free to visit the resources below.

• Dating a Widower Facebook group -- for women who are dating or married to a widower.
• Widowers Dating Again Facebook group -- for widowers who are dating or remarried.
• A complete list of all my Widower Wednesday columns can be found here.

Widower Wednesday: Divorced vs. Single vs. Widowed

As I have some major deadlines at my day job, today’s Widower Wednesday will be a quick one.

Recently I was chatting with a woman who was dating a widower and more often than not felt that she was competing with a ghost.  While she was telling me one of the things the widower recently did on a trip they took, I asked the woman if she would tolerate similar behavior from a single or divorced man.

“They aren’t the same thing,” the woman said. “An ex is an ex for some reason. A deceased spouse is gone for a different reason. You can’t compare the two.”

I get this response a lot when I pose this question so I thought I’d explain the real reason I ask it. I’m not asking you to compare divorced or single men to widowed men or even compare one relationship to another. I’ve had two good marriages but each one was unique. Comparing them is like comparing apples and oranges. Both are great fruits to eat but they’re nothing alike when it comes to the way the look, feel, smell, and taste.

Rather, what I’m asking is to think about how you expect the men you relationships with to treat you. All relationships have boundaries. What are your boundaries? Do they change depending on who you date or the circumstances you encounter? Should they change?

Even though Marathon Girl and the late wife are very different people, they both met my personal standards for women I wanted to have a long term relationship with. Ironically, when I dated Jennifer (my serious relationship between the late wife and Marathon Girl) I found myself making excuses for her behavior and letting my normal relationship boundaries slide. I did that because something didn’t feel right about the relationship.  I thought that if I changed, it would alleviate the uneasy feelings I had about the relationship. Instead, I ended up in a bad relationship that ended up with a lot of hurt feelings and broken hearts when all was said and done. Had I maintained my standards and boundaries, the relationship never would have gotten to the serious stage in the first place.

So if you’re not sure about the relationship with the widower, ask yourself if you’d still be with the man if he was single or divorced. Don’t compare him with past boyfriends, husbands, or other people you’ve dated. Instead do some soul searching and decide if the widower meets the standards you want from men you date. If he doesn’t, ask yourself why. The answer could be enlightening.

Widower Wednesday: I'm Marrying a Widower in Two Weeks. Help!

Occasionally I'll have someone post a question in the comment section of previous posts. Today I'll answer two questions that were recently posted on comments.

The first question was posted by Christina on this post.

I am engaged to a widower who lost his wife less then one  year ago. Our wedding takes place in two weeks. I have been moving into his house for the last five weeks and I am not done yet! When I moved in, her personal belongings were still in the master bedroom bath. Her pots and pans and kitchen supplies were all as she left them. I collect kitchen things and have a full kitchen to move in. When I try to get rid of something, he hides it in his office or gives it top billing in his pantry when I want all of the belongings in the pantry to be mine! I moved his tool box out of the laundry room and he didn't speak to me for days! He does  not want anything changed. I feel she is still hidden in this house. Actually, she is. Her ashes are in his study, which he asked me not to go into. Is this man ready to get married in two weeks? Help!!

Christina,

The question is are you ready to marry someone who can't get rid of his late wife's clothes and other possessions? The widower isn't going to magically change once you tie the knot. The man he is today is the same man he's going to be two weeks from now. Can he change? Certainly. But it's not going to happen by the wedding.

Here's what I suggest: Cancel the wedding. Right now. Then, take a step back and have a much needed conversation with your widower. Figure out if he's serious about giving you the number one spot in his heart. If he is, then he cleans out the house. No clothes no nothing. If there's a handful of things he wants to keep, they go in a box in the garage or someplace where you don't have to run into them every day. If he says they stuff stays, then gather your things and leave. He's not going to make you number one so pack up and get out before living in that home drives you insane.

***

The second comment was posted by Lydia on this post.

Hi there my name is Lydia and I’m looking for some opinions some help confirmation. Within the last year I’ve met a gentleman in his early 40s in my travels for work. We are falling in love with each other and he has a six-year-old little boy. It’s only recently that we’ve discovered we have such great feelings for each other. I live in British Columbia Canada and he lives in Alberta Canada. So I’ve only seen him every time I come into Calgary for work. I’m 49 years old and I’ve been married before but I’ve never had children ever. Not because I can’t have them but because I was married to someone and we chose not to. I guess what I’m asking for is how does somebody become a stepmom when they’re not used to having children. I guess this kind of scares the hell out of me you know people say there is no manual for raising a child. He’s a little boy and he’s six years old and his mom passed away of terminal cancer and she was almost my age. If anyone has some suggestions how to go about this I’d love to hear? I have not yet met this little boy but I’ve seen pictures and he looks very sweet and I’ve heard him what I’m talking on the cell with his dad who I dearly dearly love. But never being a mom of any sort except to my dogs it really scares me. I would really appreciate anyone’s opinions or ideas on the subject.

Lydia,

You're right. There's no manual for raising kids. They all come with their own quirks and personalities. Parenting tips and ticks that work for one kid might not work for another child. When you become a parent, a lot of it is learning as you go.

The one advantage you have is your dating someone who's already a father. As you get more serious with this widower, you need to meet his son and start talking to him about parenting. Ask him questions about his parenting philosophy and beliefs. Then watch and see if he practices what he preaches and see if it's a parenting style you can get behind and agree with.

The biggest thing you and the widower can do (should you become a stepmother to his son) is be united. Kids of any age will try to divide and conquer their parents to get what they want. The more united you are when it comes to discipline and other issues then the easier it will be to be a stepmother. That's not to say it will be easy, but you can avoid a lot of steps and problems.

***

Ladies? Any experince with the above issues? Any other suggestions for Christina and Lydia?

Widower Wednesday: LTS

Well, it's almost 10:00 p.m. and I still have to write a Widower Wednesday post. So tonight I'll keep it short and sweet.

There's an abbreviation I want you to remember when you get tired of constantly feeling like Number 2 or that you're competing with a ghost. Those letters? LTS. It stands for Life's Too Short.

All lives have trials, tribulations, and hard times. However, there are some difficulties and challenges that we have control over and can end them whenever we want. The only one keeping you in a bad relationship is you. You can walk away whenever you want.

Life's too short to spend time with widowers who aren't ready to move on. It's too short to go through day after day of heartache. It's too short to waste it with someone who won't treat you like a queen.

Decide how you'll use the time you've been given. You only get once chance. Don't waste it.

Widower Wednesday: Survivor Guilt

 

Over the last couple weeks I've received several emails from widowers who are experiencing something akin to survivor guilt. In short, they've fallen in love again and are doing what it takes to make the new woman the center of their universe. Despite having moved forward they feel guilty that their life has changed for the better or that they shouldn't be happy when their late wife is dead.

I think these feelings are normal for widowers especially if their wife suffered a violent death or painful illness. There were times when I was dating and first married to Marathon Girl that I felt like I didn't deserve all the happiness in my life. Looking back, the two things that drove this was 1) residual guilt and feelings of responsibility for my late wife’s suicide and 2) the thought that people who lost a loved one were supposed to be sad.

The feelings of guilt/responsibility are somewhat understandable considering the way she died, but the second one is just silly. Where is it written that those who have lost a husband or wife are supposed to be sad and mournful the rest of their lives or can’t find love or happiness again?

So what should widowers who are experiencing something like survivor guilt do? Remember how blessed you are just to have found love again. Most people are lucky to find true love once. Not everyone can find it twice. Enjoy these happy times because, as those who have suffered loss know, happy and joyful times can be short and fleeting. Even if you remarry and grow old together with a new love, there will be challenging times in your future like unemployment, financial difficulties, sickness, etc. together that all everyone faces. They won't last forever but they will happen. That's why it’s important to realize just how many blessings you have right now and enjoy them. Let these moments of joy soak in and envelop you. Those who are able to open their hearts to someone else have been given a great gift. Don't take it for granted or think something's wrong. There are countless people who would give anything to have what you're experiencing right now.

For all the GOWs and WOWs out there, has your widower dealt with something akin to survivor guilt? If so, how did he get over it? How did you handle it?

Widower Wednesday: I Said "Yes" When I Should Have Said "No"

Dear Abel,

I did something stupid and was wondering if you could help me fix the mess I’m in. I’m dating a widower.  Until last week, things were going great. What happened? Last week was the second anniversary of his late wife’s death. He asked if he could post a picture of them on his Facebook profile. I said “Yes” even though I really wanted to say “No!” The next day the photo went up on Facebook. In addition to having to see the photo, there were dozens of comments from friends, family, and the widower about how much she was missed. It finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and had to get off Facebook. This is obviously affecting my attitude because the widower keeps asking if I’m okay. I tell him I’m fine even though I’m not. I don’t feel like I can talk about this or ask him to take it down because I told him “Yes” in the first place.

I suppose you’re wondering, why did I say “Yes” and why won’t I tell him how I really feeling now. I was trying to be nice and accommodating. I didn't want to be seen as the girl that pretends he was never married or had a life before he met me. I’m okay with his past. I’m okay with the fact he was married. The more I think about it, the more I realize I’m more upset at myself for not being honest with him about my feelings than the actual photograph or comments. I feel that I could have avoided this entire situation if I had just been honest but I was too worried about how the widower would react if I said “No.”

I want to have an amazing relationship with this man and need to get this off my chest. How do I walk this back without hurting his feelings or ruining our relationship?

Thanks in advance for any advice or suggestions,

M.

***

Hi M.,

You’re not alone in this dilemma. It common in many relationships (not just widower ones) to want to be accommodating instead of being honest in order to avoid a fight, disagreement, or anything that could damage the relationship. This may work in the short term but long term just makes the relationships worse as boundaries aren't set and couples don’t learn how to communicate with each other.

Here’s what I suggest you do: Find a time when you can talk without interruption and explain to him why you said “Yes” when you really wanted to say “No.” Apologize for not being honest, tell him that it won’t happen again and you’ll be open with him in the future. Let him know that you want him to be honest about his feelings too. I don’t know how he’s going to react but if he’s a good a guy as you say he is, he’ll use this opportunity as a learning experience and use it to make your communication and overall relationship stronger.

At this point, I wouldn't ask him to remove the photo from his Facebook page. If anything, have the photo serve as a reminder of the consequences of not speaking up and being honest about your feelings and that this is a situation you want to avoid in the future.

Widower Wednesday: Leading By Example

As a parent, one of the things I’ve often learned the hard way is how much your kids watch and imitate your behavior. For example, the other day my 9-year-old son blurted out a mild swear word when he got upset. Where did he learn that from? Uh, that would be me. I don’t swear a lot but occasionally when I get upset I let that mild swear world fly. My son was just imitating what he had heard Dad say when he gets angry. That wasn't my proudest moment as a father and since then I've a conscious effort to stop using that word when I get mad.

So what does this have to do with dating a widower?

Many of the widowers, GOWs, and WOWs who read this blog have kids of their own. Whether they’re young and living at home or adults with lives of their own, they watch how their mom or dad interacts and treats the significant other in his or her life. If they see their Mom being treated like second place and putting up with it all the time, what kind of lessons are they drawing from that? If they watch Dad go through a series of relationships with women he’s crazy about one day and could care less about them the next, what kind of impressions are being made? Then there are teens and adult kids who are allowed to treat the new squeeze in their father’s life like crap. What kind of lessons are they drawing from that?

I’m not saying that your kids should only see should be roses and sunshine when it comes to mom’s or dad’s love life. No relationship is perfect. Rather, what’s the overall message that the kids are learning from the way you treat your significant other and how are they incorporating these lessons into their own relationships. If they see the two of you argue, do they also see the two of you apologize to each other? Do they see you treat your significant other like the number one person in your life or like someone who will never quite be good enough. Don’t underestimate what conclusions they’re drawing from your behavior that will affect the way they behave in their future or current relationships. Just like when my nine-year-old swore the other day, you may learn too late just what kind of influence you've actually had on them until it’s too late.

Widower Wednesday: Filling the Hole vs Falling in Love

The other day I had a chance to have lunch with a recent widower. One of the many things we talked about was about dating again—something the widower had yet to do. During that part of the conversation he expressed his concern about dating for the wrong reasons. He said that since his wife died he felt there was a big hole in his life. He wanted that feeling to go away but was worried he’d get into a serious relationship because he was lonely instead of love. He asked me when I was dating Marathon Girl if I felt I was just filling the hole in my heart or if I knew there was more to it. It was a great question and I thought I’d share my answer in today’s column.

As many of you know, before I started dating Marathon Girl I was in a serious relationship with another woman who I’ll call Jennifer. When we started dating I felt there was something missing in my life and wanted desperately to get the pieces of my life back together. When I first started dating Jennifer I felt that in a lot of ways she filled a lot of the needs that I had at the time. I had companionship, someone I could talk to, hold, and kiss. Even though something didn’t feel right about the relationship I was so desperate to not have that empty feeling in my life I ignored the warning signs and kept the relationship going.

Then along came Marathon Girl. Dating her was nothing like dating Jennifer. Sure, we did a lot of the same activities that I did with Jennifer (baseball games, hiking, movies, etc.) but when I was with Marathon Girl I was more worried about what I could do to make her happy. With Jennifer I wondered what she could do to make me happy. I wanted companionship from Jennifer. I wanted a relationship with Marathon Girl—not just any relationship—but one that would eventually lead to marriage. With Jennifer there were times I got tired of being with her and wanted to be alone. I never felt that way with Marathon Girl. When I was away from Marathon Girl I was counting down the minutes before we could be together again. I don’t ever remember doing that with Jennifer. I got up at 5:00 a.m. every morning to go running with Marathon Girl no matter the weather or how little sleep I got the night before. I can’t think of a situation where I would have done something similar for Jennifer.

As we become more serious I realized that the feelings I had for Marathon Girl were the exact same feelings I had for the late wife. The fact that I felt the same way about Marathon Girl freaked me out at first. Marathon Girl was a very different person than the late wife and because of that I thought I should have different feelings for her. But after a while I realized that I had the same feelings of love for Marathon Girl was a good thing. The feelings I had for her made me put Marathon Girl’s wants and needs over my own. They made me forget about myself and my pain and focus on what I could do to make our relationship one that could last forever.

After most widowers become serious with someone, they know whether or not they’re in a relationship for love or to fill the hole in their heart. Sadly, many of them press forward with a relationship even if it’s not right for them because, just like when I dated Jennifer, having someone is better than facing the pain and empty life that comes with being alone after the death of a spouse. Looking back, I would have been better of in the long run if I had simply been honest with myself instead of deceiving myself into thinking there was more to my relationship with Jennifer. It would have saved us both a lot of pain and heartache.

If you’re dating a widower it can be hard to know at first whether the widower is in a relationship for love or some other reason. That’s why I always suggest taking things slow at first, drawing clear relationships boundaries, and expecting the same behavior from a widower as you would a single or divorced guy. Widowers who are dating for the right reasons will respect you and your boundaries. Widowers who are in it for themselves can wear the “I love you” mask for a short period of time but eventually it will slip and the real reason they’re in a relationship will come to light.

Relationships built on love are wonderful and will last a lifetime. Relationships built on the selfish wants of one person eventually fall apart. Whether you’re a widower or someone who’s in a relationship with one, it never hurts to do a gut check and be honest with yourself about the reasons you’re together. If they’re not the right ones, well, you know what needs to be done.

Widower Wednesday: Honoring the Late Wife

Today is the last day for widowers to submit their stories for the upcoming widower dating guide. You can get a better idea for the kind of stories I’m looking for here.

***

Dear Abel,

I've dated a widower for six months and our relationship is at an impasse. For the most part we have a great relationship and I feel that the widower has made major strides in moving on (his wife died three years ago in a traffic accident). However there are two things that keep getting in the way from our relationship to become serious. The first is a photograph of them on their wedding day. It’s one of many photos but he says he keeps it up there to “honor” the late wife and their relationship. The second is that on special days like her birthday he and his two kids have cake, visit her grave and basically make the day all about her. When I ask them why he does this he says it’s to “honor” her memory. I feel that in “honoring” her, me and my feelings get pushed to the side. We've talked about this and he doesn't see a need to change and points out all the other things he’s done like finally packing up most of her things from their bedroom and taking down lots of other photographs of her. Am I being unreasonable? What, in your opinion, is the best way for the two us to honor the late wife?

Thanks for any insight you can give me,

T.

Hi T.,

No one is under any obligation to honor anyone who’s passed on. “Honoring” someone who has died is done for the benefit of those who are left behind—not the dead.

Honoring the late spouse is one of those vague terms that mean different things to different people. If you were to ask 100 different widow(er)s the best way to “honor” the late spouse, you’re going to get 100 different answers. I know widow(er)s who insist on having photos of the late spouse in prominent display in their homes. Others run races in their memory. Some want to visit the gravesite on special occasions, write books about the late spouse, or become active in certain causes. Personally, I’m not a fan of honoring the late spouse through rituals or photographs. I personally think we honor those we love by how we choose to live our lives after their gone—not by outward, symbolic acts like photographs or gravesites visits. But that’s just me.

What’s important that you and the widower work out a solution that works for the two of you. It sounds like that both the photograph and the celebrations bother you. If you haven’t already, have an open and honest conversation about it with each other. Tell him how it makes you feel and give him a chance to explain why he feels the need to do it. If you and the widower can’t find some common ground, you need to decide whether or not the photo and the graveside visits are deal breakers. If they are, that’s fine. Cut your losses and move on. Everyone has things they can or cannot live with. As painful as that decision is, it’s better to come to that conclusion early on then waste months or years of your life in a miserable relationship.

One final thought: There’s nothing wrong with rituals per se, but there should be a good reason or purpose for the activity. “Honoring” the late spouse out of habit or because one feels pressure from friends, family, or society to do a particular act is never a good idea and, I believe, hinders people from moving on. I only think “honoring” the late spouse is good if it helps people find closure. It’s better, in my opinion, to focus on things that make you happy and move one forward. Besides, the dead aren’t going to care one way or the other whether or not you visit their grave or remember their birthday. They have other concerns.

Best of luck and let me know how things turn out.

Abel

Widower Wednesday: Life with a Widower Excerpt: When It’s Over, It’s Over: How to Avoid Getting Burned Again

Don't have time to write a column today due to some unforeseen stuff. Instead, here's an excerpt from my latest book Life with a Widower. Look for a new post next Wednesday.

***

Unfortunately, not every relationship with a widower is going to work out or even end well. There are lots of reasons relationships come to a close, but with a widower, it’s usually because he isn’t ready to move on, open his heart to someone else, or treat the new woman in his life like number one. But whether the relationship ends for those reasons or others, breaking up is still a distressing and difficult situation — especially if the relationship seemed promising at some point.

However, just because it ends doesn’t mean it’s over. Time and time again, I’ve seen the widower lure his recent breakup back into his web, only to burn her a second time. This chapter will help you walk away with your head held high and avoid being used and abused by widowers looking for someone to use and abuse.

He Says He’s Changed

The first thing that happens a few weeks after the relationship ends is that out of the blue the widower calls and tells you he wants to get back together. To entice you into his arms again, he’ll say that he’s had time to think things over and is going to change his behavior, and that he is finally ready to open his heart to you.

His offer can be very tempting — especially if you still have feelings for him. But I suggest that you don’t readily agree to it. Widowers usually reach out to contact a past flame when they want one or more of the following three things:

• They’re lonely and need someone to fill the void.
• They’re horny and want nothing more than an outlet for their sexual desires.
• They miss having someone to wait on them hand and foot and need someone to take the place of the late wife.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that the widower has suddenly come to his senses and wants to make you the center of his universe. There’s no easier target for a manipulative widower than an ex-girlfriend — especially when he can play to her fantasy and claim he has miraculously overcome his grief and is ready to start afresh.

Widowers don’t change their stripes unless they have a really good reason for doing so. If he treated you like a mistress, was stuck in perpetual grief, or made you feel like number two again and again, odds are, you’re in for more or less the same kind of treatment the second time around. So if a widower contacts you after a breakup, save yourself further heartache and don’t answer the phone or reply to his texts or emails. Your silence will speak louder than any returned phone call or text message you could send telling him it’s over. Eventually he’ll get the message and move on to someone else who hasn’t wised up to the game he’s playing.

If you think your widower’s the exception to all of the above, and you want to reply to his overtures, I implore you to think long and hard before doing so and read Chapter 10: Giving Widowers a Second Chance. I’m a big fan of the saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” If you end up getting burned a second time, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Wanting Closure

The second way a woman gets burned again is when a relationship with a widower comes to a sudden, unexpected end, and she wants to know why. She reaches out to him to figure out what happened. When she doesn’t get a satisfying answer from the widower, she thinks he hasn’t told her the real reason. She keeps trying to get an answer and obsesses about it until she drives herself crazy.

Don’t torture yourself like this. In the end, it doesn’t matter if the relationship ended because there was another woman, if he was still in love with the late wife, or if he simply wasn’t ready to move on. The widower isn’t consumed by any of these thoughts. He’s moved on to the next chapter of his life, and he isn’t giving you a second thought. By focusing on the breakup and letting it occupy your thoughts, you’re getting burned again and again and again.

When I ended things with Jennifer, the woman I seriously dated before Julianna, I just told her that things weren’t working out, and that I was going to date someone else. It wasn’t the best or classiest way to end things, but I just wanted the relationship to be over. I didn’t spend a lot of time wondering if things could have worked out differently or how Jennifer was doing. Instead, I focused on Julianna and her wants and needs and moved on with my life. That’s just the way guys think.

Jennifer, however, was in fits about it. Through a mutual friend, I heard that for a long time after the breakup, she kept expecting me to change my mind and come crawling back to her — something that was never, ever going to happen. Fortunately, Jennifer was eventually able to move on and find the love of her life, but she spent a lot of time wondering about things that made no difference in the end. Don’t be like Jennifer. Focus on putting the pieces of your life back together and on being happy.

There’s nothing wrong with having a good cry and a couple of “you” days to get him out of your system — that is natural and normal — but don’t spend weeks or months brooding about what could have been done differently, or think that things will change if the widower gets back in touch. I guarantee you, the widower isn’t worried about you. Instead, he’s watching football, drinking a beer, and thinking about the next woman he can bring into his web. The quicker you can move on, the less power the widower — and the past — will have over you, and the sooner you can start a new and better chapter in your life.