Widower Wednesday: I'm a Secret from the In-Laws!

Occasionally when someone sends me an email with a question about dating a widower it turns out they didn’t include their email address or added one that isn’t valid. When that happens, I’ll post the email and my answer here. (Note that the letter has been edited for the writer’s privacy and clarity.)

Abel

I am recently separated after a 14 year very unhappy marriage.  I'm 44 years old.  I was ready to start dating right away because my ex and I became friends with no romantic attachment at all when low and behold, on match.com, I meet my current boyfriend of 4 months, a widower with 3 daughters.

I adore him. He's a wonderful man that makes me feel like I'm the only women alive. His wife is now past over a year but the widower still hasn't told his in-laws about me. They know about me through his daughters and his sister-in-laws but he still has not been able to sit down with them and tell them face to face.  Keeping in mind, he has been talking about love and marrying me since we were together a month, calling our meeting, serendipitous.  How long do I wait?  How long until it becomes downright disrespectful to me that he won't tell them?  I do understand there will always be a relationship there between them and his children, but when is enough enough?  I do as you say and treat him like a man, but I would do anything for him and I feel like he's still holding back to be "ready" for a new relationship.  PLEASE HELP !!!

Thanks,

H.

H.,

If the in-laws already know about you, it's not doing anyone any good to not have the talk with them. The sooner he can tell them the better for everyone. The widower is probably worried about how they’ll react or that it might hurt the relationship he has with them. Feeling that way is natural. However, not letting them know about you is simply going to increase the risk of hurt feelings or a negative reaction. Who knows, maybe they’ll be happy at the news.

But even if there’s much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth at the official word that he’s dating you, he has to man up and bite the bullet, so to speak. “Secret” relationships build distrust. If the in-laws are going to remain part of his life, not talking about you isn’t going to make his relationship with them any stronger.

Abel

Widower Wednesday: Be Grateful

I apologize for the lack of Widower Wednesday columns the last couple of weeks. Between family, work, and personal issues there hasn’t been any time for writing. And, yes, that includes the widower dating guide I’ve been working on. Thankfully, everything that’s holding me back should be off my plate after a brief trip to Colorado this weekend and these columns will resume and the book will get finished.

Even though I haven’t been writing columns the last couple weeks, I’m still finding a few moments here and there to respond to emails from GOWs, WOWs, and widowers. One of the things I’ve noticed is that after something bad happens in life, it’s often difficult for them to see how many blessings they still have.  Whether it be the death of a loved one, job loss, bankruptcy, or some other disaster it’s easy to think about what we no longer have instead of what we are still blessed with.

For example, when I was laid off from a job several years ago, I think I spent several weeks crazy with worry about how I was going to provide for my family and whether or not I could find one that was as good as the one I had. It took some time to realize that though finding job was going to take some effort, thanks years of smart budgeting by Marathon Girl we were on fairly good financial footing and there wasn’t a need to panic. I just had to put my head down and get to work finding another one. (I ended up with several job offers about a month later.)

When I lost my wife and daughter, the holiday season was just ramping up. I remember walking around a mall during the busy shopping season and seeing how happy everyone looked. More than anything I wanted to be as happy as they seemed but didn’t think it would ever happen. Then one day I overheard a co-worker at work talking to someone about the divorce he was going through. The whole process was bankrupting him and it was looking like despite his best efforts, he was only going to see his four children every other weekend. His story made me realize that I wasn’t the only one with problems. Other people had their own challenges they were dealing with. As I took the hour-long drive home that afternoon, I started counting all the things I was grateful for and the blessings that I did have. It made a big difference in my day-to-day attitude.

So if you’re struggling with the loss of a loved one or a recent relationship that ended, take a moment and think about your blessings and all that you’re grateful for. Be grateful for life and the experiences it affords us. Give thanks for friends and family who are there to buoy us up when time are difficult. Be happy for jobs (even if they suck), hobbies, good health, good books, and good food. Take comfort in all the little things in life that we often overlook as we go about our busy lives. There are many small things that can make us smile and forget about our problems for a minute or two—if we let them.

Storms and hard times always pass. Even if everything we love and worked hard to build is destroyed, we have a chance to rebuild our lives and start anew. And with our knowledge and experiences, we can build something stronger and better than we had before.

Widower Wednesday: How Joe Biden, Thomas Edison, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney got their Groove Back, Part 2

(Read last week's observations about these men here.)

The best part about writing my widower dating guide is having some time to dive into the lives of Thomas Edison, Joe Biden, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney and see patterns in the way they handled the death of their late wife and subsequent relationships.

For example, those who had successful relationships the second time around (Biden, Edison, and Brosnan) didn’t do a lot to memorialize their late wives. Yes, they were still grieving and felt an empty place in their hearts but they didn’t try to fill it with memorial events or tributes to their deceased spouses. (To be fair, memorizing the dead like some do today wasn’t a common practice during Edison’s time.) Instead they did their best to focus on work and the needs of their children. They didn’t spend a lot of time looking or reminiscing about the past. Instead it was about moving forward to the best of their abilities.

On the other hand, McCartney seemed to keep doing things in her name—even after he started dating Heather Mills. He completed a record they were working on before her death, wrote songs in her memory, talked about her at concerts, etc. While there’s nothing wrong with doing any of the things McCartney did, it’s worth asking whether or not these events hindered or helped him move on. From what I’ve read it seems like Linda was always in his mind somewhere and he was never quite able to stop thinking about her. Again, there’s nothing wrong with constantly having those thoughts unless you’re in a serious relationship with someone else. And though there were many reasons McCartney and Mills didn’t work out, Paul’s dead wife seemed to be a constant point of tension in the relationships.

That’s not to say that the occasional late wife issue didn't come up with Brosnan, Edison, and Biden. I’ll go into more detail in my book but it’s worth noting that all three men had fewer issues and were able to build successful relationships because they were able to embrace the present and the future more than the past. It’s definitely something worth thinking about.

Widower Wednesday: How Joe Biden, Thomas Edison, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney got their Groove Back, Part 1

 

As research for my soon-to-be-published widower dating guide, I’ve been reading biographies of former widowers including Thomas Edison, Joe Biden, Paul McCartney, and Pierce Brosnan. It’s been fascinating to read how they dealt with the loss of their first wife and fell in love with someone else. When I started reading these biographies I wasn’t sure what to expect as far as the details of their personal lives, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised to see many similarities in their stories and the ones that arrive in my inbox or on the Dating a Widower Facebook group. Though I’m saving the detailed stories for my book, I thought I’d share some similarities and insights over the next several columns.

Today I’ll use their experiences to address a question that’s asked frequently by readers: What can I do get my widower out of his funk and fall in love (with me) again?

Edison, Biden, McCartney and Brosnan all wrote or talked about the hole in their hearts and lives the after their first wives died. Each man, however, dealt with his loss in his own way. Edison, for example, threw himself into his work. Biden just kind of floated through the first year or so as a U.S. Senator just doing enough to get by. No matter how they dealt with it, they all felt their lives lost a sense of purpose and direction without their wife.

Where their stories become the same is when they fell in love with woman that would eventually become their next wife. All of them felt that spark return. They become more passionate about their work, their families, and life in general. Biden, for example, got more involved with the day-to-day business of being a United States Senator and decided to run for re-election. Brosnan took more acting jobs and became more involved in charitable causes he believed in. They all felt more of a reason to push forward with their goals in life because they found themselves head over heels in love again.

So what did these women do to make these widowers open their heart to them?

Not a single thing.

That’s right. They didn’t do anything special to “heal” the widower other than be themselves. They just happened to be the right person to come into the lives of these widowers at the right time. Although it wasn’t always smooth sailing for some of them, there wasn’t any of begging or cajoling Edison, Biden, or Brosnan to move on or open their hearts. The widowers were in love enough to move forward on their own because they wanted to move on.

Don’t misunderstand: I’m not saying that some relationships are fated to work while others don’t have a chance of succeeding. What I’m saying is that there’s nothing you can really do to make a widower fall in love with you other than be yourself. Widowers have to want to move on for another relationship to work out and it takes love, real love, for that to happen.

It’s easy for widowers to let grief mask his true feelings or for women dating them to ignore red flags because he’s “grieving.” Don’t let that happen to you. Not every dating relationship turns into something serious or long term. That’s true of all relationships—not just ones with widowers. Don’t feel bad or worthless if you’re not the right one. Odds are you’re a better match for someone else. The sooner you recognize that he’s not ready to open his heart at this time or the two of you aren’t a good match, the sooner you can move on to something more fulfilling and meaningful.

Busy Life

If you were looking for a Widower Wednesday column yesterday, I apologize for not posting one. A mix of work, personal, wrist other events made it impossible to write something. Look for a new column next week.

Widower Wednesday: Social Media and Public Grief

For today’s column, I’m sharing (with her permission) a letter I received from a woman who is married to a widower who has two young children. Based on the numerous other emails I receive about this subject from women in her position, I think her letter speaks for many others wives of widowers out there.

Dear Daughters,

Today is the one day a year when I am not your mother. Every other day I pick up little socks, sooth you when you wake crying in the middle of the night, make your meals, buy your clothes, and teach you about the world. Every day Emily says to me as I’m leaving for work, “Ok, Mom. But, don’t go too far.”  And I promise her that I will return as I always do. Karen asked me the other day, “What does soggy mean?” and I explained that she should eat her cereal while it's still crunchy, before it gets too soft. And, it occurs to me how many things I will need to explain. Even though I am not your "real" mother, I love you more than I love most things.

So, today as memorials to your "real" mother turn up in my social media feeds, I will try to keep my bearings. I will try not to withdraw into myself for protection. Because I know you need me and today is no more significant to you than any other day. The three of us have no memories of that past life because we didn’t know her. Or at least I didn’t. Maybe Karen has some small glimmer of memory, but her wondering will most likely have more to do with her birth family. And sweet Emily, who knows if your little body remembers the loss of the body that grew you. Time will tell us all of these things, but as people look to the past today, I will do my best to look forward and embrace the life we have together now.

Social media has become a place not safe for those of us with complicated personal lives. If your parents are divorced, you have a front row seat to photographs and musings about their new-found happiness. If your husband is a widower, you will have a front row seat to all of the stories, remembrances, and photographs of his other big love and a time you were not a part of. If your widower husband has children, you will be reminded that in the eyes of everyone who knew his late wife, the children you are raising as your own will always be her kids--especially on the anniversary of her departure. On that day your life will revert back to "their" life and people from their life together will talk about the past without respect for the present. And it’s funny that the person they are trying to reach with these public prayers of grief will never see them. Meanwhile, I wish so much that I didn’t have to.

I will quietly try to bolster myself and support the two of you today. I will remind you that you will not be left again and that you need not worry that I will go too far. As I remind myself every year at this time, a mother is not always the person who carries you in her womb; she is the person who carries you fiercely in her arms. I will hold you in my arms today and everyday and always in my heart.

Love,

“Mom”

Podcast: Getting it Together After Loss

I was interviewed on Open to Hope radio about getting to together after loss. That interview was just posted today. Listen to the interview here. Enjoy!  

Widower Wednesday: Podcast Tomorrow

I'm postponing today's regular Widower Wednesday column until tomorrow. The reason is that I'll be featured on a podcast about getting it together after loss. I'll post a link tomorrow as soon as the show is available. Until then, feel free to visit the resources below.

• Dating a Widower Facebook group -- for women who are dating or married to a widower.
• Widowers Dating Again Facebook group -- for widowers who are dating or remarried.
• A complete list of all my Widower Wednesday columns can be found here.

Widower Wednesday: Divorced vs. Single vs. Widowed

As I have some major deadlines at my day job, today’s Widower Wednesday will be a quick one.

Recently I was chatting with a woman who was dating a widower and more often than not felt that she was competing with a ghost.  While she was telling me one of the things the widower recently did on a trip they took, I asked the woman if she would tolerate similar behavior from a single or divorced man.

“They aren’t the same thing,” the woman said. “An ex is an ex for some reason. A deceased spouse is gone for a different reason. You can’t compare the two.”

I get this response a lot when I pose this question so I thought I’d explain the real reason I ask it. I’m not asking you to compare divorced or single men to widowed men or even compare one relationship to another. I’ve had two good marriages but each one was unique. Comparing them is like comparing apples and oranges. Both are great fruits to eat but they’re nothing alike when it comes to the way the look, feel, smell, and taste.

Rather, what I’m asking is to think about how you expect the men you relationships with to treat you. All relationships have boundaries. What are your boundaries? Do they change depending on who you date or the circumstances you encounter? Should they change?

Even though Marathon Girl and the late wife are very different people, they both met my personal standards for women I wanted to have a long term relationship with. Ironically, when I dated Jennifer (my serious relationship between the late wife and Marathon Girl) I found myself making excuses for her behavior and letting my normal relationship boundaries slide. I did that because something didn’t feel right about the relationship.  I thought that if I changed, it would alleviate the uneasy feelings I had about the relationship. Instead, I ended up in a bad relationship that ended up with a lot of hurt feelings and broken hearts when all was said and done. Had I maintained my standards and boundaries, the relationship never would have gotten to the serious stage in the first place.

So if you’re not sure about the relationship with the widower, ask yourself if you’d still be with the man if he was single or divorced. Don’t compare him with past boyfriends, husbands, or other people you’ve dated. Instead do some soul searching and decide if the widower meets the standards you want from men you date. If he doesn’t, ask yourself why. The answer could be enlightening.

Widower Wednesday: I'm Marrying a Widower in Two Weeks. Help!

Occasionally I'll have someone post a question in the comment section of previous posts. Today I'll answer two questions that were recently posted on comments.

The first question was posted by Christina on this post.

I am engaged to a widower who lost his wife less then one  year ago. Our wedding takes place in two weeks. I have been moving into his house for the last five weeks and I am not done yet! When I moved in, her personal belongings were still in the master bedroom bath. Her pots and pans and kitchen supplies were all as she left them. I collect kitchen things and have a full kitchen to move in. When I try to get rid of something, he hides it in his office or gives it top billing in his pantry when I want all of the belongings in the pantry to be mine! I moved his tool box out of the laundry room and he didn't speak to me for days! He does  not want anything changed. I feel she is still hidden in this house. Actually, she is. Her ashes are in his study, which he asked me not to go into. Is this man ready to get married in two weeks? Help!!

Christina,

The question is are you ready to marry someone who can't get rid of his late wife's clothes and other possessions? The widower isn't going to magically change once you tie the knot. The man he is today is the same man he's going to be two weeks from now. Can he change? Certainly. But it's not going to happen by the wedding.

Here's what I suggest: Cancel the wedding. Right now. Then, take a step back and have a much needed conversation with your widower. Figure out if he's serious about giving you the number one spot in his heart. If he is, then he cleans out the house. No clothes no nothing. If there's a handful of things he wants to keep, they go in a box in the garage or someplace where you don't have to run into them every day. If he says they stuff stays, then gather your things and leave. He's not going to make you number one so pack up and get out before living in that home drives you insane.

***

The second comment was posted by Lydia on this post.

Hi there my name is Lydia and I’m looking for some opinions some help confirmation. Within the last year I’ve met a gentleman in his early 40s in my travels for work. We are falling in love with each other and he has a six-year-old little boy. It’s only recently that we’ve discovered we have such great feelings for each other. I live in British Columbia Canada and he lives in Alberta Canada. So I’ve only seen him every time I come into Calgary for work. I’m 49 years old and I’ve been married before but I’ve never had children ever. Not because I can’t have them but because I was married to someone and we chose not to. I guess what I’m asking for is how does somebody become a stepmom when they’re not used to having children. I guess this kind of scares the hell out of me you know people say there is no manual for raising a child. He’s a little boy and he’s six years old and his mom passed away of terminal cancer and she was almost my age. If anyone has some suggestions how to go about this I’d love to hear? I have not yet met this little boy but I’ve seen pictures and he looks very sweet and I’ve heard him what I’m talking on the cell with his dad who I dearly dearly love. But never being a mom of any sort except to my dogs it really scares me. I would really appreciate anyone’s opinions or ideas on the subject.

Lydia,

You're right. There's no manual for raising kids. They all come with their own quirks and personalities. Parenting tips and ticks that work for one kid might not work for another child. When you become a parent, a lot of it is learning as you go.

The one advantage you have is your dating someone who's already a father. As you get more serious with this widower, you need to meet his son and start talking to him about parenting. Ask him questions about his parenting philosophy and beliefs. Then watch and see if he practices what he preaches and see if it's a parenting style you can get behind and agree with.

The biggest thing you and the widower can do (should you become a stepmother to his son) is be united. Kids of any age will try to divide and conquer their parents to get what they want. The more united you are when it comes to discipline and other issues then the easier it will be to be a stepmother. That's not to say it will be easy, but you can avoid a lot of steps and problems.

***

Ladies? Any experince with the above issues? Any other suggestions for Christina and Lydia?