Widower Wednesday: My Widower Spends More Time Communicating with Others Than Me. Help!

Widower Wednesday

From the inbox:

Hi Abel,

I’m hoping you can help me with a problem I haven’t seen addressed in your books or blog. I’ve been with my widower for several years and don’t feel like number one. The reason? He’s constantly texting, emailing, or calling his other friends—most of whom are female. When I tell him how it makes me feel he gives them more attention than he tells me that I’m overreacting, insecure, and we spend practically all our time together anyway. Am I overreacting or should I expect different behavior from my widower?

Thanks,

L.

Hi L.,

You’re not overreacting or insecure. His behavior is wrong. As far as I’m concerned, he’s cheating on you. He may not be sleeping with any of them but he is investing more time, energy, and emotions with others instead of with you. That’s not exactly being faithful and committed.

There’s nothing wrong friendships outside of a committed relationship so long as there’s healthy boundaries and clear lines that aren’t crossed. For example, I’m good friends with many of the people I work with, but I generally don’t discuss personal matters with coworkers unless it affects my job or job performance in some way. The same can be said for my neighbors and people I see at church.

If you’re in committed relationship, constantly contacting friends, coworkers, past loves, or others to the point where your partner feels neglected is unacceptable. I’ve seen many marriages and relationships end because one person felt  more comfortable confiding in and spending time with someone other than their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.

His behavior needs to change immediately. If not, you’re better walking out the door and saving yourself from further emotional and mental turmoil.

You deserve better.

Abel

 

Widower Wednesday: The Widower Wants to Get Back Together. What Should I Do?

Widower Wednesday

From the inbox (shared with permission):

Dear Abel,

Last month I called things off with my widower I’d been dating for a year (his wife has been gone two-and-a-half years) because I was tired of feeling like I was never as good as his dead wife. Today, out of the blue, I got a text from him saying he wants to talk about getting back together. I still have feelings for this man but am really conflicted about whether I should even respond to his text. I believe in giving people second chances but I’ve read enough horror stories on your blog and other sites that I don’t want to become his “Go To” girl just because he’s lonely or wanting sex. I only want to get back to him if he’s serious about making me number one in his life. How do I know if he’s serious? Should I respond to his text or just ignore it? Please help!

Michelle

Hi Michelle,

As you know, I caution against getting back together with widowers after the relationship ends because in most cases the widowers don’t want to change. In most cases, they’re just looking for some companionship to help ease the pain and pass the time.

So how can you know if a widower is serious about making you numero uno or hoping to snare you back in his web?

If a widower is halfway serious about getting back together, he’d do more than just text. Yes, I know that texting is a convenient method of communication but it’s also lazy and impersonal—especially when he’s asking to talk about getting back together. You deserve more than a couple of sentences sent to your phone. I would think that someone who halfway serious would at least call, send flowers, or get on his hands and knees and ask for a second chance.

But say he calls or send you a dozen roses and act serious about wanting to get back together. What then? Well, I’d take things really slow and see if his words and actions align. If there were photos of her up on the wall, they better be down next time you go home. If her clothes are in the closet, they better be gone next time you’re in his bedroom. If he can’t stop talking about her or verbally comparing you with her, they better stop the next time he talks to you. Otherwise, he’s just taking you for a ride of the Dating a Widower Rollercoaster.

That being said, the only reason Marathon Girl and I are together was because she gave me a second chance. (And, no, I didn’t text her and ask for a second chance. It was done face to face.)  But that second chance came with a lot of strings attached. I was told in no uncertain terms that if I screwed up again, she was walking away from our relationship and there was never going to be another date, returned phone call, or even a polite acknowledgement if our paths were ever to cross. Since I wanted to have a serious relationship with her, I did everything I could to let her know through actions and words that I was serious about moving forward with her.

In the end whether or not to give him a second chance is something that you’re going to have to decide. Based on what I know of your situation, I’d wait for more than a text before even engaging him in conversation. Be strong and wait for a sign that he’s serious. If he really wants you back, he’ll have to do more than simply type on his phone and hit the Send button.

Widower Wednesday: Stay Classy

Widower Wednesday

In 1978, Joe Biden ran for re-election. His new wife, Jill, was a big part of his re-election effort. While on the campaign trial she would sometimes get comments from supporters about Joe’s late wife, Neilia. Some would say how much they missed Neilia while others would comment they were glad that Joe was able to find love again. Often these comments would create an awkward moments in front of the public. However, Jill was always able to smile and nod or say something witty that would diffuse a potentially embarrassing situation. Whenever Joe’s late wife came up, she was able to handle each situation with class and elegance. Eventually the references to Neilia stopped.

I bring this up because it seems like everyone who’s dated or is married to a widower has come across situations where the late wife has come up. Most of the time the comments or references are innocent enough. However, sometimes people can say things that are hurtful or make you think that they wish the late wife was alive. In these situations it’s important to remember that you can’t control the words or actions of others. All you have control over is how you respond to these situations. The more class and grace to you can display, the better chances you have of people moving on and accepting you and your relationship with a widower. If you act crude, rude, and tacky, you’re just giving people more reasons and excuses to disapprove of your relationship.

For example, a couple of weeks ago a GOW told me that her widower’s adult children weren’t accepting of her or their father’s relationship with her. At some point she reached the breaking point and posted a raunchy photograph of a scantily clad woman straddling a man on the daughter’s Facebook page. The message on the photo was that if two people are in love and happy, everyone else should leave them alone.

Now the woman probably took a lot of crap from the widower’s kids to reach that point, but she could have handled the situation a lot better. The way she reacted to their bad behavior just proved to the widower’s children that she was vulgar, cheap, and crude. She gave them not only a reason to hate her even more but gave them something they could show their father about the kind of woman he was dating. Instead of rising above their behavior, she not only stooped to their level and lowered herself a couple notches below them.

There were plenty of other alternative ways to react. She could have invited the daughter out for lunch and tried to make friends, she could have posted something nice on her Facebook wall, or could have decided to do nothing at all and gone on with her life with her head held high and not even be bothered by people who are stuck in their own grief and misery.

Keep in mind that being classy doesn’t mean being a doormat. It doesn’t mean taking continuous verbal or emotional abuse. Classy people don’t put themselves in those kinds of situations again and again and again. Rather classy people don’t let others drag them down in the mud. They know when to nod and smile, when to ignore a comment, and what situations to avoid.

So as you go to holiday parties and other activities, keep in mind that people who aren’t fond of you are watching how you act and what you say. They’re looking for reasons to ignore you and tell others what  a jerk you are. Don’t give them ammunition. Instead get people to at least realize that their childish games and attitudes don’t bother you. Jill Biden was faced with many awkward and tough situations when she was first married to Joe. She always managed to come across as the better person in those situations.

Go and do likewise.

Widower Wednesday: I'm a Secret from the In-Laws!

Widower Wednesday

Occasionally when someone sends me an email with a question about dating a widower it turns out they didn’t include their email address or added one that isn’t valid. When that happens, I’ll post the email and my answer here. (Note that the letter has been edited for the writer’s privacy and clarity.)

Abel

I am recently separated after a 14 year very unhappy marriage.  I'm 44 years old.  I was ready to start dating right away because my ex and I became friends with no romantic attachment at all when low and behold, on match.com, I meet my current boyfriend of 4 months, a widower with 3 daughters.

I adore him. He's a wonderful man that makes me feel like I'm the only women alive. His wife is now past over a year but the widower still hasn't told his in-laws about me. They know about me through his daughters and his sister-in-laws but he still has not been able to sit down with them and tell them face to face.  Keeping in mind, he has been talking about love and marrying me since we were together a month, calling our meeting, serendipitous.  How long do I wait?  How long until it becomes downright disrespectful to me that he won't tell them?  I do understand there will always be a relationship there between them and his children, but when is enough enough?  I do as you say and treat him like a man, but I would do anything for him and I feel like he's still holding back to be "ready" for a new relationship.  PLEASE HELP !!!

Thanks,

H.

H.,

If the in-laws already know about you, it's not doing anyone any good to not have the talk with them. The sooner he can tell them the better for everyone. The widower is probably worried about how they’ll react or that it might hurt the relationship he has with them. Feeling that way is natural. However, not letting them know about you is simply going to increase the risk of hurt feelings or a negative reaction. Who knows, maybe they’ll be happy at the news.

But even if there’s much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth at the official word that he’s dating you, he has to man up and bite the bullet, so to speak. “Secret” relationships build distrust. If the in-laws are going to remain part of his life, not talking about you isn’t going to make his relationship with them any stronger.

Abel

 

Widower Wednesday: Be Grateful

Widower Wednesday

I apologize for the lack of Widower Wednesday columns the last couple of weeks. Between family, work, and personal issues there hasn’t been any time for writing. And, yes, that includes the widower dating guide I’ve been working on. Thankfully, everything that’s holding me back should be off my plate after a brief trip to Colorado this weekend and these columns will resume and the book will get finished.

Even though I haven’t been writing columns the last couple weeks, I’m still finding a few moments here and there to respond to emails from GOWs, WOWs, and widowers. One of the things I’ve noticed is that after something bad happens in life, it’s often difficult for them to see how many blessings they still have.  Whether it be the death of a loved one, job loss, bankruptcy, or some other disaster it’s easy to think about what we no longer have instead of what we are still blessed with.

For example, when I was laid off from a job several years ago, I think I spent several weeks crazy with worry about how I was going to provide for my family and whether or not I could find one that was as good as the one I had. It took some time to realize that though finding job was going to take some effort, thanks years of smart budgeting by Marathon Girl we were on fairly good financial footing and there wasn’t a need to panic. I just had to put my head down and get to work finding another one. (I ended up with several job offers about a month later.)

When I lost my wife and daughter, the holiday season was just ramping up. I remember walking around a mall during the busy shopping season and seeing how happy everyone looked. More than anything I wanted to be as happy as they seemed but didn’t think it would ever happen. Then one day I overheard a co-worker at work talking to someone about the divorce he was going through. The whole process was bankrupting him and it was looking like despite his best efforts, he was only going to see his four children every other weekend. His story made me realize that I wasn’t the only one with problems. Other people had their own challenges they were dealing with. As I took the hour-long drive home that afternoon, I started counting all the things I was grateful for and the blessings that I did have. It made a big difference in my day-to-day attitude.

So if you’re struggling with the loss of a loved one or a recent relationship that ended, take a moment and think about your blessings and all that you’re grateful for. Be grateful for life and the experiences it affords us. Give thanks for friends and family who are there to buoy us up when time are difficult. Be happy for jobs (even if they suck), hobbies, good health, good books, and good food. Take comfort in all the little things in life that we often overlook as we go about our busy lives. There are many small things that can make us smile and forget about our problems for a minute or two—if we let them.

Storms and hard times always pass. Even if everything we love and worked hard to build is destroyed, we have a chance to rebuild our lives and start anew. And with our knowledge and experiences, we can build something stronger and better than we had before.

Widower Wednesday: How Joe Biden, Thomas Edison, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney got their Groove Back, Part 2

Widower Wednesday

(Read last week's observations about these men here.)

The best part about writing my widower dating guide is having some time to dive into the lives of Thomas Edison, Joe Biden, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney and see patterns in the way they handled the death of their late wife and subsequent relationships.

For example, those who had successful relationships the second time around (Biden, Edison, and Brosnan) didn’t do a lot to memorialize their late wives. Yes, they were still grieving and felt an empty place in their hearts but they didn’t try to fill it with memorial events or tributes to their deceased spouses. (To be fair, memorizing the dead like some do today wasn’t a common practice during Edison’s time.) Instead they did their best to focus on work and the needs of their children. They didn’t spend a lot of time looking or reminiscing about the past. Instead it was about moving forward to the best of their abilities.

On the other hand, McCartney seemed to keep doing things in her name—even after he started dating Heather Mills. He completed a record they were working on before her death, wrote songs in her memory, talked about her at concerts, etc. While there’s nothing wrong with doing any of the things McCartney did, it’s worth asking whether or not these events hindered or helped him move on. From what I’ve read it seems like Linda was always in his mind somewhere and he was never quite able to stop thinking about her. Again, there’s nothing wrong with constantly having those thoughts unless you’re in a serious relationship with someone else. And though there were many reasons McCartney and Mills didn’t work out, Paul’s dead wife seemed to be a constant point of tension in the relationships.

That’s not to say that the occasional late wife issue didn't come up with Brosnan, Edison, and Biden. I’ll go into more detail in my book but it’s worth noting that all three men had fewer issues and were able to build successful relationships because they were able to embrace the present and the future more than the past. It’s definitely something worth thinking about.

 

Widower Wednesday: How Joe Biden, Thomas Edison, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney got their Groove Back, Part 1

Widower Wednesday 

As research for my soon-to-be-published widower dating guide, I’ve been reading biographies of former widowers including Thomas Edison, Joe Biden, Paul McCartney, and Pierce Brosnan. It’s been fascinating to read how they dealt with the loss of their first wife and fell in love with someone else. When I started reading these biographies I wasn’t sure what to expect as far as the details of their personal lives, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised to see many similarities in their stories and the ones that arrive in my inbox or on the Dating a Widower Facebook group. Though I’m saving the detailed stories for my book, I thought I’d share some similarities and insights over the next several columns.

Today I’ll use their experiences to address a question that’s asked frequently by readers: What can I do get my widower out of his funk and fall in love (with me) again?

Edison, Biden, McCartney and Brosnan all wrote or talked about the hole in their hearts and lives the after their first wives died. Each man, however, dealt with his loss in his own way. Edison, for example, threw himself into his work. Biden just kind of floated through the first year or so as a U.S. Senator just doing enough to get by. No matter how they dealt with it, they all felt their lives lost a sense of purpose and direction without their wife.

Where their stories become the same is when they fell in love with woman that would eventually become their next wife. All of them felt that spark return. They become more passionate about their work, their families, and life in general. Biden, for example, got more involved with the day-to-day business of being a United States Senator and decided to run for re-election. Brosnan took more acting jobs and became more involved in charitable causes he believed in. They all felt more of a reason to push forward with their goals in life because they found themselves head over heels in love again.

So what did these women do to make these widowers open their heart to them?

Not a single thing.

That’s right. They didn’t do anything special to “heal” the widower other than be themselves. They just happened to be the right person to come into the lives of these widowers at the right time. Although it wasn’t always smooth sailing for some of them, there wasn’t any of begging or cajoling Edison, Biden, or Brosnan to move on or open their hearts. The widowers were in love enough to move forward on their own because they wanted to move on.

Don’t misunderstand: I’m not saying that some relationships are fated to work while others don’t have a chance of succeeding. What I’m saying is that there’s nothing you can really do to make a widower fall in love with you other than be yourself. Widowers have to want to move on for another relationship to work out and it takes love, real love, for that to happen.

It’s easy for widowers to let grief mask his true feelings or for women dating them to ignore red flags because he’s “grieving.” Don’t let that happen to you. Not every dating relationship turns into something serious or long term. That’s true of all relationships—not just ones with widowers. Don’t feel bad or worthless if you’re not the right one. Odds are you’re a better match for someone else. The sooner you recognize that he’s not ready to open his heart at this time or the two of you aren’t a good match, the sooner you can move on to something more fulfilling and meaningful.

 

Busy Life

If you were looking for a Widower Wednesday column yesterday, I apologize for not posting one. A mix of work, personal, wrist other events made it impossible to write something. Look for a new column next week.

Widower Wednesday: Social Media and Public Grief

Widower Wednesday

For today’s column, I’m sharing (with her permission) a letter I received from a woman who is married to a widower who has two young children. Based on the numerous other emails I receive about this subject from women in her position, I think her letter speaks for many others wives of widowers out there.

Dear Daughters,

Today is the one day a year when I am not your mother. Every other day I pick up little socks, sooth you when you wake crying in the middle of the night, make your meals, buy your clothes, and teach you about the world. Every day Emily says to me as I’m leaving for work, “Ok, Mom. But, don’t go too far.”  And I promise her that I will return as I always do. Karen asked me the other day, “What does soggy mean?” and I explained that she should eat her cereal while it's still crunchy, before it gets too soft. And, it occurs to me how many things I will need to explain. Even though I am not your "real" mother, I love you more than I love most things.

So, today as memorials to your "real" mother turn up in my social media feeds, I will try to keep my bearings. I will try not to withdraw into myself for protection. Because I know you need me and today is no more significant to you than any other day. The three of us have no memories of that past life because we didn’t know her. Or at least I didn’t. Maybe Karen has some small glimmer of memory, but her wondering will most likely have more to do with her birth family. And sweet Emily, who knows if your little body remembers the loss of the body that grew you. Time will tell us all of these things, but as people look to the past today, I will do my best to look forward and embrace the life we have together now.

Social media has become a place not safe for those of us with complicated personal lives. If your parents are divorced, you have a front row seat to photographs and musings about their new-found happiness. If your husband is a widower, you will have a front row seat to all of the stories, remembrances, and photographs of his other big love and a time you were not a part of. If your widower husband has children, you will be reminded that in the eyes of everyone who knew his late wife, the children you are raising as your own will always be her kids--especially on the anniversary of her departure. On that day your life will revert back to "their" life and people from their life together will talk about the past without respect for the present. And it’s funny that the person they are trying to reach with these public prayers of grief will never see them. Meanwhile, I wish so much that I didn’t have to.

I will quietly try to bolster myself and support the two of you today. I will remind you that you will not be left again and that you need not worry that I will go too far. As I remind myself every year at this time, a mother is not always the person who carries you in her womb; she is the person who carries you fiercely in her arms. I will hold you in my arms today and everyday and always in my heart.

Love,

“Mom”