Summary of video follows:
Hi, it’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, and today we’ll discuss when to give a widower a second chance.
This is a concern I often hear from women who have ended a relationship with a widower for various reasons. After some time, the widower returns, claiming he’s changed and promising things will be different if she gives him another chance. Today, we’ll talk about how to assess whether the widower is truly ready to change and whether you should give him that second chance.
First, let me start by saying that you are never under any obligation to give anyone a second chance, especially someone who has treated you poorly or repeatedly promised change without following through. I know some of you might be thinking, “But Abel, you’ve mentioned second chances before in your book Room for Two,” and you’re right—I’m a product of a second chance, and my relationship with Julie wouldn’t have happened without one. But it’s important to put that into context: I got a second chance after one bad date, not a whole relationship.
That being said, I want to emphasize that you are not obligated to give a second chance. If you do decide to, it should be on your terms and with careful consideration.
Now, let’s talk about widower psychology. Many widowers enter relationships for comfort. It’s not about being fully committed, but about companionship and filling the gap left by the late wife. When these relationships end, they often feel the sting of loneliness and will reach out for another chance, even if they aren’t truly ready to change.
Here’s the key: widowers can say anything to get you back. “Things will be different,” or “I’ve changed,” but talk is cheap. It’s not about what he says, it’s about what he does. Most breakups happen because the widower didn’t follow through on promises, like taking down pictures of his late wife, or giving you the commitment you needed. So, if he comes back saying he’s changed, don’t just take his word for it—make sure his actions back it up.
For example, let’s say you broke up because his house was a shrine to his late wife. There were pictures everywhere, her clothes in the closet, makeup in the bathroom. He promised to take them down but never did. If he comes back and promises, “Things will be different,” ask him to prove it. Don’t just accept his word—tell him to take down the pictures, clean out the closet, and send you proof. If he does it, that’s a good sign that he’s serious.
Here’s another example: let’s say the widower kept you hidden from his friends and family, and you broke up because you felt like a secret. If he comes back and says, “I’ll change,” don’t just take his word for it. Make sure the next time you meet, it’s at a gathering where he introduces you to his friends and family. If he’s serious, he’ll take that step to show you off and be proud of you.
Ultimately, it’s all about actions, not words. If his actions align with his promises, then maybe he is ready to change. But if it’s just talk, don’t fall for it.
Another situation might be if you felt like you were competing with the memory of his late wife. In this case, there’s no easy “fix.” But if he says he’s ready to make room for you, you’ll need him to show it. Ask him how he’s going to prove that he’s ready to open his heart to you. If he can back it up with actions, that’s a good sign.
Remember, widowers will say whatever they need to say, especially when faced with the possibility of being alone. I know from experience—before I met Julie, I had a long-distance relationship where I promised everything and delivered nothing. Widowers often do the same. So, don’t let his words sway you. Make him prove it with his actions.
The burden of proof is on the widower. If he promises changes, ask him to show you that those changes have been made. If he says, “I’ll take down the pictures in three months,” tell him to come back after he’s done it. You shouldn’t be holding onto a relationship that’s going nowhere or being used.
Even if the widower has made those changes—removed the pictures, cleaned out the closet, or introduced you to his friends—be cautious. If you decide to give him a second chance, set strict boundaries. Don’t just run back into his arms and expect everything to be perfect. Let him know that if he steps over those boundaries again, the relationship is over.
I’ve seen too many women accept vague promises only to find out the widower hasn’t changed. If you’re going back into this relationship, do it with confidence in your boundaries. Be clear about your expectations and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.
Julie set boundaries with me early on, and it worked because I knew she was serious. I knew that if I messed up, the relationship would end.
So, my advice is: if you’re considering a second chance, make sure the widower has backed up his words with actions. Set strong boundaries, and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.
Finally, be aware that second chances don’t always work. In my experience, only about a third of widowers who ask for a second chance are truly sincere. The rest are just seeking companionship. If he’s had years to change and hasn’t, be skeptical. People are creatures of habit, and the longer a situation persists, the harder it is to change.
If you do decide to give him a second chance, make him prove it. Don’t settle for promises—expect actions. You deserve to be treated with respect, and you shouldn’t settle for anything less.
I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. This has been Widower Wednesday. If you have questions, feel free to leave them below. You can also subscribe for more videos or watch another one on this channel. I’ll see you next Wednesday.