A Second Chance At Love - The Beginners Guide To Widowed Dating

I was recently on the Wake the F*** Up podcast where I discussed a second chance a love, forgiveness, and moving forward. Watch it below or also listen to it on Spotify or Apple podcasts.

This week on Wake the F*** Up, Alix and David sit down with Abel Keogh, a remarried widower who has successfully helped thousands of women know if the widowers they’re dating are ready for a serious relationship. Before we dive in to the rest of the episode, we want to give a content warning that this episode contains discussions about suicide as well as infant loss; topics which may be triggering to some of our listeners. Feel free to skip this episode if you need to, or come back when you’re ready.

To kick off the conversation, Abel shares his personal experience as a remarried widower and discusses his work in helping women navigate relationships with widowers. He has written several books, including “The Wife in the Next Life” and “The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers,” and hosts a YouTube channel (@DatingaWidower) full of helpful resources for the widower community, many of which have resonated with Alix. The three move on to discuss the challenges faced by young widowers, the lack of resources available to them, and the importance of setting boundaries with friends and family during the grieving process.

Later in the podcast, Abel shares his story of losing his pregnant wife to suicide and navigating life after her death. He talks about finding support systems that are understanding and helpful, as well as finding ways to cope with grief such as running or journaling. The conversation also touches on topics like loneliness in grief, shame around suicide deaths, redefining relationships after loss, and starting to date again. Abel emphasizes that there is no specific timeline for when someone should start dating again but cautions against getting into serious relationships too quickly before being emotionally ready. He also advises open communication about dating with family members in order to avoid feelings of betrayal or mistrust later on. Alix and David can relate! Both hosts share their own experiences with anger towards their late spouses and discuss how they worked through it over time.

Abel is the author of four dating guides, a memoir about losing his late wife to suicide and falling in love again, and co-author of a book with his wife, Julianna, about the struggles and questions they had to overcome to take their relationship from dating to marriage. His Dating a Widower YouTube channel contains over 200 videos and valuable advice for widowers and the women who are dating or married to them.

Finding Real Connections in the Swipe-Right World: Tips from a Relationship Coach

How do you find love in an age of unrealistic standards of physical appearance, lifestyle, and relationship dynamics? Read what I have to say in this article about the brave new world of dating. Read the entire article.

Excerpt:

OnlyFans, a platform known for monetizing intimate content, has blurred the lines between personal connections and transactional relationships. Relationship coach Abel Keogh says this has set unrealistic standards for physical appearance, lifestyle, and relationship dynamics, leading to confusion and mistrust among those seeking deep and meaningful connections. Intimacy commodification not only complicates dating but also impacts long-term relationships, potentially undermining the foundation of trust and mutual respect.

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“Participation in or consumption of sites like OnlyFans harms, damages, and ultimately destroys relationships. I’ve talked with many broken-hearted men and women whose self-image and confidence are shattered once they discover their partners' use of such sites behind their backs. This leads to trust issues and makes them more hesitant to date because of their experiences. People don’t want to get burned twice.

“You are not doing yourself or your date any favors by hiding something that will eventually come to light. By concealing your activity or involvement, you’re indicating to your date that you don’t respect them or their values,” he warns.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a relationship where you're not treated like number one.

I’m the Mistress of a Widower. Will This Relationship Work Long Term?

A viewer asks: Do you know of any cases where there is a healthy happy widower-mistress long term solution? Meaning he keeps his home and family life separate while supplying the woman with various kinds of help. What type of financial planning and agreement would make this compartmentalized love into something emotionally stable and provide security for her?

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I am going to answer a question from a mistress of a widower.

This is a great question.

It has not been asked me before, and I do share this question with permission.

And it goes like this.

It says, abel, do you know of any cases where there is a healthy, happy widower mistress long term solution, meaning he keeps his home and his family life separate while supplying the woman with various kinds of help?

What type of financial planning agreement would make this compartmentalized love into something emotionally stable and provide security for?

Again, great question.

And this is the first time I've been asked this question.

So again, I appreciate you letting me share it with the audience.

So my answer is, and I'm going to be blunt about this, is in all the years I've been doing this, I cannot name one successful widower mistress relationship that has worked out long term.

There's a reason that he's keeping you separate from his family and his life.

There's a reason for it.

And what I see happen over and over again is that the moment you become a liability or the moment you become inconvenient to him, he is just going to dump you.

So instead of asking yourself, how does this work out long term?

Or what kind of financial agreement we should come to, I strongly suggest asking yourself why you're settling for this kind of relationship in the first place.

I always say that women in a relationship should be treated like a queen.

And really what you're doing here is you're settling not only for second place, like a lot of people do when they're dating.

A widower is you're like a dirty little secret.

He's hiding you from everybody.

It's not that you're even number two.

He doesn't want people to even know about you.

Really.

In reality, if a man truly loves a woman, he's not going to hide her and keep her as some kind of side piece or something like that.

He will want to show her off.

He will want everybody to know about her, and he will want to integrate her into his life.

And ultimately, what you're doing here is you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

And I guarantee at some point in the future, you're going to be unceremoniously dumped.

So instead of wondering about long term financial planning again, reevaluate the relationship and ask yourself why you're settling for this kind of relationship in the first place because I guarantee it will not work out long term.

You're better off with someone that will love you and treat you like a queen.

If you have your own thoughts on this, you can leave a comment below like this video and subscribe.

And if you find yourself in this situation, or just a situation in general and you want to talk to me, you can schedule a coaching session.

There's a link down in the description below.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Partner Loss Panel with Open to Hope

I recently moderated a partner loss panel for the The International Day of Hope and Healing after Loss conference. You can watch the panel discussion below.

You Can't Force Relationships

Widow(er)s can't force their kids to accept the relationship with their wife or girlfriend. They also can't force the late wife's family or friends to accept it either. So what's the best way to proceed in the face of opposition? This video has your answer.

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower.

And today we're going to discuss why you can't force relationships.

This is something I've seen a lot recently in coaching sessions and in emails to me.

So I thought I would give some examples here and talk about why you can't force relationships.

So, for example, a widower gets into a serious relationship.

He either remarries or he's with a girlfriend, and they're getting serious.

They're talking about whatever, moving in together, things like that.

And the widower has children, and the widower has this idea that, hey, I'm going to get married.

We're going to have a big, happy family.

And he's in Mickey and visions, holidays, family vacations, things like that, together with him and his kids and his new wife or his girlfriend, or maybe even if she has kids, those kids, he kind of envisions, and she envisions this, too, kind of these big, happy reunions.

Or it could be that the widower, again, he gets into this relationship and he wants the late wife's family, maybe friends of he and the late wife, things like that, to kind of, he envisions, again, whatever, going on trips, having parties together, everybody kind of accepting the relationship.

And by the way, I want to state that there's nothing wrong with having these happy, you know, we get into a relationship, we're excited about it, we're happy about it, and we want people to accept.

Know, I think when I was in my relationship with Julie, for example, I was very proud that we were in a relationship.

I couldn't wait to take her to family events and things like that.

So nothing wrong with wanting that, by the way.

So if you're a widower or a wife or girlfriend of a widower, and you both kind of have this desire to kind of have a big, happy, blended family, to be at events and things where everybody is happy for you, nothing wrong with that.

The problem is that reality isn't what we always want it to be.

The issue is just because a widower is ready to open his heart and start a new life, that doesn't mean his kids are ready for that.

It doesn't mean that the late wife's family is ready for that.

It doesn't mean that his friends are ready for that.

Right.

We're all different people, and people have their own grief journeys, and people have their own things, and they need to work through that, and often they're not on the same page as the widower.

So, for know, when I was first dating, this was not Julie.

But when I was very first dating, I got serious with someone, took her to a family event, and it was like the absolutely awful, worst experience.

This is only maybe six months after my late wife died, and people were polite and stuff, but I could just tell bringing this woman to this event was probably the biggest mistake I had made.

Again, they were polite, but I could just sense the attention in there.

And then, like, later, when I was dating again, you know, very happy that I was dating Julie, very proud of the relationship, wanted to show her off.

I think the first couple of family events that we went to were also very awkward.

So you just got to understand that you can't force relationships.

And I think the mistake I see people make over and over again is that they have this big, happy thing of what they want, and then the kids don't cooperate, the late wife's family doesn't cooperate.

Friends don't cooperate, especially in the case of kids.

It's often that maybe they're rebellious or they just ignore the new girlfriend or the new wife.

Maybe they say mean things to her, things like that.

And this idea of having this big, happy relationship and having these events and parties and family events and holidays and vacations together never materializes.

And there's lots of tension there.

So you just got to understand that you can't force relationships, right?

Just because you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and you're happy again, you can't force that idea on other people.

They have to kind of go through their own grief journey.

What you can do is you can invite them to be part of the relationship.

I don't think you exclude them.

You can try to include them where appropriate.

You can set healthy boundaries where appropriate.

So, like, for example, if you have children that are saying mean things or doing nasty things to your wife, girlfriend, then I think you can obviously intervene, and I think you can set healthy boundaries.

But you've just got to understand that you can't force anybody to accept this relationship.

You can't force anybody to go along with these visions that you have.

Now, that doesn't mean that at some point you can't get there, that you can't have a happy family, but it does mean that you just can't force it.

And a lot of times, you just got to be patient for it to work.

So, for example, I know a lot of you are thinking, well, what can I do.

How do I kind of wait this thing out?

Or what are some things I can do to maybe encourage them to move forward in their grief?

And honestly, the best thing you can do is include them where appropriate.

So, for example, if it's the holidays or there's a family vacation going on, you can obviously invite people and want to include them.

Say, hey, we're having this whatever.

We're having this Christmas party, we're having this barbecue.

We would like you to come and be part of it.

So you can invite and persuade, but you cannot force.

And I think that's the problem I see, is that they say, well, you need to come to this, and we're all going to sit around the table and be happy.

It doesn't work that way.

Again, you can invite and persuade, but you can't force people to actually accept it.

But you can let others see that you're happy, that you are proud of the relationship, that you're happy with this new person, and you can hope that they take part.

Again, you can invite them, but again, you can't force them to take part of this.

Really what you have to do is you have to let other people work through their grief and come to accept the relationship on their own terms.

Now with children, I think this is the biggest thing, is that it can take years for them to accept the relationship.

But usually what I see, and this is maybe 70, 75% of the time, what I see is that if they invite and persuade and give children their space, at some point in the future, the kids come around and typically, I'm talking about teens or adults here, younger children typically aren't an issue.

But like with these teens or adult children, if you give them time to kind of work through things, you don't force anything on them.

Typically what happens is they eventually come around most of the time, even if they don't embrace the relationship, they kind of accept the new reality and they're willing to take part, like in family events and things like that.

But again, it's not something that you can force.

It's a little bit different, I will say, with the late wife's family and maybe friends that the widower and his late wife had, oftentimes you have to redefine those relationships.

Again, I think they tend to be a little more understanding, but I think from what the widower has to understand is that the dynamic that was there with the late wife and now that she's gone, sometimes, often those relationships have to be redefined.

So, for example, it's not that you can't have a relationship with the late wife's family, but if you're starting this new life with someone else, you've got to kind of redefine that relationship with her family because you've got to make the new woman in your life number one.

It's the same with friends and family, friends that you may have had with the late wife.

Again, nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with spending time with them.

But you might have to kind of redefine that relationship because the dynamic with the late wife is different.

So, like, for example, in my case, again, Krista and I had lots of friends that we were happy with and did lots of things with.

But when I married Julie and Julie kind of came into my I had to kind of redefine those relationships and those friendships with people, and I'm still friends with them, but we're not doing the same things and the same activities.

So ultimately, again, you just got to realize you can't force these relationships.

Forcing a relationship never works.

In fact, if anything, I think it breeds more resentment and more resistance to the relationship.

And you give kind of people something to kind of rebel about.

So again, I know it's frustrating, I know it can be hard.

But as you're going forward, what I really want you to kind of just understand is how can we invite and persuade people to come in here?

And obviously, yes, set healthy boundaries.

You don't want to invite someone that you know is going to cause trouble to family events and things like that.

But again, it's invite and persuade and give people time to kind of accept the new reality, give them time to work through their grief.

And most of the time, again, you'll see people come around and at least, at the very least accept the relationship.

One day I hope I'll have a client or something that will want to share a happy story that I can kind of share with you.

But again, I've seen it and again, it can take years, but especially with children, they will accept the relationship, but you just can't force it on them.

So stop trying to force relationships.

Understand that they're on their own journey and that most of the time they'll actually get there.

But your job is just to kind of help them.

Show them that you're happy and invite and persuade them to be part of this new family, this new dynamic.

But again, you can't force them.

Go ahead and share your own stories if you want to in the comments below.

If you got a good one, I'll share it in a future video.

Feel free to subscribe to this channel like this video as well.

And if you want, there's a link down in the description to set up a coaching session.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

My widower puts his kids and his old life first. What should I do?

A viewer writes: I am dating a widower with a 16 year old and 26 year old children. I am divorced with 3 minors. On my weekends without children, my boyfriend (widower) is not willing to have a date night and rather hang out with his kids. He expects me to hang out with his kids all weekend and he gets upset if I want to do something else. I asked for two date nights a month which doesn’t really happen. We have to squeeze in alone time during work hours or when his kids are busy with other activities. Am I asking too much to have two nights alone without kids? Also he wants to get serious. I keep talking about a new life with new traditions. He seems to want to just continue his life he has with his wife that past. He gets upset if I point it out. How do I start a new life with him if he really wants his old life back?

Transcript of video:

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we are going to discuss what to do if your widower doesn't want to do date nights.

And this comes from a comment on my blog, and this is how the comment reads.

It goes: Abel, I'm dating a widower with two kids, a 16 year old and a 26 year old. I am divorced with three minors on my the weekends without my children. My widower boyfriend is not willing to have a date night and would rather hang out with his kids. He expects me to hang out with his kids all weekend, and he gets upset if I want to do something else. I ask for two date nights a month, which usually doesn't happen. We have to squeeze in alone time during work hours or when his kids are busy with other activities. Am I asking too much to have two nights alone without kids?

Also, he wants to get serious. I keep talking about a new life with new traditions. He seems to just want to continue his life he has with his late wife. He gets upset if I point that out. How do I start a new life with him if he really wants his old life back?

All right, so a couple of issues in there.

By the way, great questions.

These are something I see a lot in my inbox and in coaching sessions.

So let's start with your first question is, are you asking too much to have two nights alone without the kids?

Answer is no, you're not being unreasonable, especially when you consider the age of the children.

We have an adult child here who's 26 and a 16 year old.

Might be a different story if these two kids were like, say, three and five or really young kids.

Probably a little bit of a different story here, but we have an adult child and a teenager, which I'm going to assume at 16, is fully capable of taking care of him or herself if you guys wanted to go out for a couple of hours or hang out there.

So, no, you're not being unreasonable.

And asking that all couples need some alone time to get to know each other, to bond, just to spend time together, you're not being unreasonable.

I think the overall issue here, though, and sadly, this is something I see quite a bit, is that I think there's this expectation that widows and widowers have when they start dating again, is that they're just going to find somebody and this person is just going to plop and kind of take the place of their late spouse and it doesn't necessarily mean that they're the same person, but it's like they have these traditions, they have this life, right?

So this widower obviously has things that he does on the weekends.

He enjoys spending time with his kids, which is cool.

But he just kind of expects you.

This is probably what he and the late wife did, and he's just expecting you to come in and plop down and take that place.

And the truth is, if you want to build chapter two with somebody, you have to start a new life.

That's not the bits and pieces of the old life can't fit into that, but it really is.

There's a price you have to pay to start a new life.

And the fact that his actions are showing that it's a pain in the butt for him to start a new life with you, I think that speaks volumes.

It's like he's looking for someone who will come in and just fall into the way that they've done things.

And if you can find somebody like that, cool.

But I do not recommend that.

Again, if you want to have a long, happy relationship, you need to start a new life, and he's not willing to do that.

So you asked, how do you start a new life with him if he really wants his old life back?

The truth is, you can't start a new life with someone who wants their old life back.

To start a new life, it takes two people, and it takes two people agreeing on what that new life looks like, and he is not there.

So the best thing you can do is give him the gift of missing you.

I think it's time to end the relationship and go and find someone that will give you the life that you want and the attention that you want.

Someone that'll treat you like a queen.

There's probably widowers out there that'll do it.

But this person, he wants his old life back, and you're walking into a trap if that's what you want to do.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating the Widower.

If you have comments or questions on this, you can leave them below.

Feel free to subscribe.

You can also look down in the description.

There's a way to schedule a coaching session if you want some one on one time with me.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Should a widower bring his girlfriend to his son's wedding?

A viewer writes: Abel, I’ve watched your video on who should or shouldn’t be invited to a person’s wedding. While I agree with you that the bride and groom should be able to invite whoever they want, does this change depending on who’s paying? For example, if I’m paying for my son’s wedding, should I be able to invite my new girlfriend even though my son is opposed to our relationship? My answer in the video below.

Transcript of video:

A viewer writes: Abel, I've watched your video on who should or shouldn't be invited to a person's wedding. While I agree with you that the bride and groom should be able to invite whoever they want, does this change depending on who's paying? For example, if I'm paying for my son's wedding, should I be able to invite my new girlfriend even though my son is opposed to our relationship?

Short answer is yes.

If you are paying for the wedding or paying for a substantial part of it, then I think you do have the ability to invite your girlfriend, your new girlfriend, to the wedding.

Not sure why your son is opposed to it, but he does need to understand that there is no such thing as a free lunch, and if he's not paying the bill on his wedding, then you should have a say.

At the very least, if your girlfriend can't attend.

If your son is very opposed to this relationship for whatever reason, that's fine.

I think you just nicely let him know that if he wants to pay for the wedding, then you'll make sure that the girlfriend's nowhere near the wedding venue.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower.

Send me more questions and I'll do another short.

Running to the top of Mount Crumpit

Wishing all of my readers a happy, healthy, and successful 2024! One of my New Year's resolutions is to use my time better and finish my next relationship guide about how to find your soulmate. It's a project that percolated in my brain through most of 2023 and finally started writing last month.

Another is to enjoy every moment with my family. With 2 of our 7 kids out of the house and serving LDS missions, Julianna and I really felt the void this holiday season.

My third is to finally run a half marathon. Yes, I run 6 days a week but it's more habit than anything (one our dog always appreciates). This year I started training for a half then broke my foot two weeks in. The doctor says I need to follow a training schedule that's more in line with my age instead of someone in their 20s. This year I resolve to listen to the good doctor.

And speaking of running, below you'll find a photo from the top of Mount Crumpit—a run I did on December 23 with one of my sons and 5 friends and neighbors. It was 5 miles to the top with over 3,000 feet of elevation gain then back down to Whoville. If I can make that climb in 1 hour 45 minutes, then 13.1 miles should be a cinch!

Should Widowers Keep Nude Photos of the Late Wife?

A viewer writes: I'm dating a widower who has nude photos of his late wife saved on his phone. Should he keep or delete these photos? My latest Widower Wednesday has the answer.

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. And today I'm answering a question from a viewer who writes: Abel, I'm dating a widower who has nude photos of his late wife saved on his phone. Should he keep or delete these photos?

Answer is pretty straightforward on this one.

While I don't have a problem with widowers keeping some photos of their late wife, preferably kind of packed away, I do draw the line at nude photos. If any nude photos of the late wife exist, they need to be permanently deleted off of his phone or other devices. If there are hard copies, they need to be destroyed.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

Nude photos of the late wife have absolutely no place in your relationship at all. Now, if the widower refuses to delete or get rid of the photos, or maybe he tells you, I'll put them in a special folder, I'll lock the folder, no one can never get into it. Basically, what he's telling you is that he's not ready to make you number one in his heart. The only person he should be seen naked is you and not anyone else, even if that person is deceased.

So, again, yes, he should delete them. He should get rid of them. He shouldn't even have them. They have no place in your relationship. And I guarantee they will drive a huge wedge between you and the widower if he does keep them. So absolutely not.

And if you have a different opinion, I always try to hear people justify this. If you want to do it, go ahead and do it in the comments. Happy to hear what you say. But again, no place for nude photos. I see zero value.

I always ask myself, and this is the question you should ask yourself, how do nude photos strengthen the relationship that you have with this new woman? How do they strengthen your relationship? I mean, honestly, we're talking nude photos of the late wife here. How do those strengthen your relationship? If you got an answer to that, pop it in the comments. I'd love to see it. And if it's a good one and I'm happy to read it and say that I'm wrong, but pop those things in the comments. Let me know.

If you want to go ahead and like this video, please go ahead and do that. Subscribe to this channel. If you want to schedule a coaching session with me about this or any other topic, you can do so. There's a link in the description to this video as well. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. And I'll see you next Wednesday.

Is a Widower Still a Widower If He Remarries?

Is a widow or widower still a widow or widower if they remarry? Relationship coach and relationship expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. And today we're answering a question from a viewer who writes: “Abel, are widows and widowers still allowed to call themselves a widow or a widower after he or she remarries, or should they be calling themselves something else?”

Great question.

And the answer is is a widow or widower is a person who has lost a spouse to death and has not remarried. Once that person remarries, he or she is no longer a widow or a widower. They're a wife. They're a husband to their new spouse, to their new partner, and they shouldn't use the term widow or widower to describe themselves. Life is best living in the present and looking forward instead of looking backwards. And if you remarry, you need to embrace your new life and the new titles that come with that life.

If you're a widow or widower who remarries referring to yourself as a widow or widower after getting married, it's disrespecting your new spouse, it's disrespecting your life, and it's disrespecting your marriage. And it shows, I think, most importantly, that your outlook is on the past and what has happened behind you instead of on the present and the future and what is before you. And basically, you're focusing on what it is that you've lost instead of what it is that you've gained.

So, no, don't refer to yourself as a widow or widower.

By the way, if you're dating a widow or widower and they say after they marry, they still want to call themselves a widow or a widower, run for the hills. They're not ready to open your heart to you.

All right, if you want to share stories or have comments about this, feel free to leave them below. Like this video share go ahead and subscribe. If you want to talk to me in a coaching session, I have those available as well. There's a link down in the description below.

Enjoyed talking to you today, and I'll see you all next Wednesday.