Adult children often have issues when their dad dates again. This video will cover the top 3 reasons adult children of widowers struggle with dad starting a new relationship and the best ways to work through these issues with them.
Transcript:
Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we are going to discuss the top three reasons adult children have a hard time with dad dating or marrying again, and what it is you can do if you have adult children and they're experiencing these, or if you're dating a widower and they're exhibiting, you know, they're hostile to, to you or to the relationship, what it is that you can do to work through some of these problems.
So I've said it before, but I'll say it again for those who aren't familiar with my videos.
When I started coaching and the issues of children came up, I always thought it would kind of be like the minor children, the teenagers and such living at home that would have the hardest time with dad dating again.
And they do have a hard time with him dating again.
And there's always adjustments to be made when a parent dies and mom or dad is dating someone else.
But most of the things I see in coaching sessions and through emails and things like that, it's the adult children.
And these are typically people that are out of the house, maybe even they have families of their own, but for whatever reason, they're having a hard time seeing dad date again, seeing dad with another woman, they don't want dad marrying again, things like that.
So we're going to get into the top three reasons why they feel that way.
And then again, what is it that you can do, whether you're a widower or you're dating a widower, how you can deal with these.
So the top reason I see for adult children having a hard time with dad dating again is that they're still grieving.
Losing a spouse is very different than losing a parent.
Right.
You can always remarry, and not that you're replacing your spouse, but there is that option out there where you can go and remarry.
And a lot of times widows and widowers, they can process that loss a bit better and they can move forward faster.
It's different than losing a parent.
You really can't get a new mom or dad if your parent dies, obviously they're stepparents.
But just that relationship you had with your mom or your dad, it's gone.
And you can't just, whoever he remarries or whoever he starts dating doesn't just necessarily take that spot, if that makes sense.
So that's the main reason I see the top reason is that the children are still grieving and they're just having a hard time adjusting and seeing dad with somebody else.
And again, there's nothing wrong with being on a different page than dad.
And I'll get to how you can deal with that in a minute.
But I'm just pointing out that is the top reason.
The second reason I see has to do with money or inheritance.
They are worried that Dad's dating a gold digger or that she's just dating dad for his money.
And dad is all caught up in love and he can't see it and they're worried about that.
Whatever, Dad's going to leave all his stuff or more stuff to her.
And what about us?
That is the second reason I see that adult children have with dad dating again.
And the final reason that I see is just that I often refer to it as the mini wife, but oftentimes after the mom dies, adult children, especially daughters, sometimes sons.
I have seen it in sons, but it's typically daughters will kind of step in and they take what I sometimes term as a mini wife role.
And what that is, is they step in and they do a lot of things that mom was doing.
They might help dad out a lot, take him places just to spend a lot more time with them.
And I do see just the fact that usually when the mom dies, that the widower tends to spend more time with his kids, especially if they live close.
So suddenly he's spending all this time with their kids that maybe he wasn't spending before.
And then a new woman comes in and boom, there's a new relationship there.
Dad's spending less time, the kids kind of like, hey, wait, what's going on?
We were enjoying this new thing that we were having.
So anyway, those are kind of the top three reasons that I see.
I'm sure there's other reasons that adult children have a hard time, but I would say that incorporates 85% to 90% of the coaching calls that I do with couples who are trying to deal with adult children again who aren't supportive of the relationship.
So they're still grieving, they're worried about inheritance or finances, and they're spending less time with dad.
That's 80 or 90%.
So I know, but most of you are wondering, well, those are the top three reasons.
Whatever.
I have sons or daughters that are against this relationship.
How is it that I can deal with this?
So let me give you some ideas on how you can deal with these various situations.
And I think the most important thing is that whatever you do, the most important thing for any of these things, these situations, is that you don't let these kids, these adult children, again, remember, we're talking about adult children here.
That you don't let them emotionally manipulate you into giving up the relationship just because they aren't ready for it or they're worried about different things.
Again, we're talking about adults with their own lives.
If you give in to them on this, they will try to control every aspect of your life going forward.
I've just seen that again and again.
So just throwing it out there that no matter what tact you end up taking, don't give in to any manipulation and stuff that they do.
Okay, so the first reason is if they're still grieving and they're still having a hard time losing their mom, I think the best thing you can do is really not force the new relationship on them.
I think the best thing you can do is keep those lines of communication open.
You need to have a conversation or maybe a series of conversations where you let them know that you love them, that you'll always love their mom, and that you're here to talk as needed.
Right.
If they're still grieving and they need someone to talk to, that you're there to talk to, not necessarily that you're their therapist, but you're happy to hear how they're doing.
And are there things within reason that you can do to kind of aid them and help them move forward?
But I think that's the most important thing, is just to keep those communication lines open.
A lot of times widowers, they get a little worried.
They're worried about dating again and how the kids will react.
And sometimes they kind of hide the relationship.
And that really doesn't do a lot.
It kind of breaks down those communication lines.
And again, it's not that you have to be telling them every detail of the relationship, but I think letting them know that you're dating again, letting them know when you're in a serious relationship, things like that can go a long way to kind of help preparing them for this kind of new chapter in your life and a new chapter in their life.
But it's really important that you don't let their grief stop you from living their lives.
A lot of times they're very sad, and again, they can get therapy.
There's different things that you can do there or that you can suggest for them.
But ultimately, just like somebody can't solve the widower's grief or your grief, they have to work through their own grief and they shouldn't be holding your life back just because they're having a hard time grieving.
A lot of times they'll be like, dad, if you want to see the kids, your grandkids, you got to stop dating this woman or whatever it is, and that's not healthy for anybody.
So again, keep those lines of communication open.
Let them just talk to them.
Let them know that, again, you're dating, again has nothing to do with the love you have for their mom and kind of do what you can to help them work through their grief.
But understand that ultimately they are in charge of their own grief and they are the ones that need to work through it.
So that's kind of the best thing you can do there for the second reason is when they're worried about inheritance or worried that Dad's dating a gold digger, I always kind of cringe at that one.
I think it says a lot about where the kids hearts are.
Not that you shouldn't be worried about that, but ultimately, the thing is that it's your money, it's not anybody else's money, and no one's entitled to it, and you can do with it whatever you want.
I'm not opposed by any means of making sure that the kids are taken care of, but I don't like the entitlement attitude, I guess, is what I see.
So if you have kids that are worried about inheritance, I think something you should consider is maybe a prenup or something like that.
Again, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to make sure that you want to pass things down to your kids.
They get passed things down to your kids.
And honestly, most of the women I talk to who are accused of being gold diggers, they're not.
They just want a stable relationship.
The thing I do warn them about, and this skim going is going back to, is that if you're getting into another relationship and you want to leave things to your kids, that's fine.
I don't have a problem with it.
But you do need to make sure that this new woman in your life, if you're married to her, that you're not leaving her destitute should you die.
Most heartbreaking coaching sessions I've had have come from women who have married or moved in with a widower.
The widower is gone.
There's nothing in the will or the estate that says that, for example, she can live in the house until she dies or anything like that.
And they're kind of out on the street and they're kind of worse off than what they were.
So again, I don't have anything wrong with protecting assets or passing things on to your kids, but I think at the same time, if you're bringing a new person into your life and you love them, you need to make sure that, I don't know, you guys can work out the asset thing, but just to make sure that they are protected on the off chance that you die before she does that.
She's not destitute, homeless, without some way to kind of survive if you do pass.
So, anyway, just something to think about there.
But again, I think the big thing is no one's entitled to your money.
And if the kids feel like they're entitled to it, I think it's More having a conversation with them, letting them know that, look, these are my plans for going forward.
These are my plans on the inheritance.
But maybe kind of smack them around a little bit verbally, not physically, but maybe just kind of talk to them and just kind of point out that it is your money, you can do with it as you want, but you are going to take care of them.
Again, it's the entitlement attitude I don't like there.
Okay.
The final thing is, again, what do you do if you have a son or a daughter or son or daughters and they've been used to kind of spending more time with you, have maybe a better or stronger relationship with you after mom died, because you're spending more time together and suddenly you're spending more time with this other woman, less time with them.
How do you handle that?
And I would just say to that, redefining relationships is something you have to do through all stages of life with your kids.
You have different relationships with them when they're five years old, when they're 15 years old, when they're adults, your relationship evolves with them.
And I think, again, the best thing you can do on this is keep the lines of communication open.
Let them know that just because you're spending less time with them doesn't mean that you love them less or that you aren't thinking about them.
I think there are ways, again, you can spend time with them.
No one's saying you can't, but it's in a healthy way redefining that relationship with them.
Let them know that, yeah, I'm spending more time with this person.
Now.
It's not that I don't want to spend time with you guys or your kids or the family, but it's just that we've just got to kind of redefine things and again, I think the more you can keep those lines of communication open, which is odly a theme in all three things here.
But if you can keep those lines of communication open with your kids, these issues tend to be resolved a lot better.
But again, ultimately, if the kids are going to be jerks and they're going to whatever, say, you can't see the grandkids or they're going to try to emotionally blackmail you, that is not a healthy relationship.
And I think you need to at that point, take a step back and let them kind of sort things out, because I've seen it a lot.
I guarantee that if you let them in the door where they are going to emotionally manipulate the situation and realize that they can get away with it, they will do it again and again and again and again.
So you got to have some tough love there at the beginning and be able to hopefully nip it in the bud.
And sadly, if the kids don't come around to it, again, it's redefining relationships.
Maybe you've got to just take a step back for it.
Because ultimately, if you're dating and you're looking for a serious, committed relationship here, ultimately that person has to be the most important person in your life.
And again, remembering we're talking about adult children here, not minor children, but that person needs to be the most important person in your life.
And not that you can't have a relationship with your kids, but again, as you grow and they grow and have families of their own, relationships just get redefined.
And it has nothing to do with the amount of love that you have for them.
So that's it.
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Bye.