A viewer asks, “My widower boyfriend is afraid that he will lose me like he did his late wife. How can he get over this fear?” The video below has the answer.
Hi, it’s Wednesday and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re answering a question from a viewer who writes: “My widower boyfriend is afraid that he will lose me like he did his late wife. How can he get over this fear?”
I love this question! Thank you for asking it because it’s one that come up regularly in coaching sessions. So, let’s get started.
We all know that loss is an inevitable part of life, whether it comes from death, breakups, or unforeseen circumstances. Widows and widowers know better than anyone that when you open you heart to someone, you run the risk that the relationship will end at some point. Love always carries the risk of loss—but that risk is what makes love meaningful. If we let fear dictate our choices, we don’t actually protect ourselves; we only prevent ourselves from experiencing deep, fulfilling relationships.
Psychological research supports the idea. Studies on attachment theory and grief recovery show that people who allow themselves to form new emotional bonds, rather than avoiding them out of fear, tend to have better long-term well-being. They’ve shown that avoiding emotional connections due to fear of loss can actually increase stress and anxiety, whereas forming new, secure relationships helps people heal and build resilience. Other studies have shown that people who embrace life after loss—rather than shutting themselves off—often develop a greater appreciation for love and relationships, leading to deeper emotional fulfillment.
But the solution isn’t to withdraw or hold back—it’s to embrace love fully despite the uncertainty. The strength to love again doesn’t come from guarantees; it comes from the courage to accept the unknown and choose connection anyway. Love, at its core, is an act of vulnerability. It requires us to open our hearts, knowing full well that doing so means we could get hurt. But it’s also the only way to truly live and experience the depth of human connection.
For example: When I fell in love with Julianna there was a very real fear that our marriage might end due to her dying at some point. Yes, I was worried about that. When Julianna was pregnant with our children, did I worry that something might happen to them and that I’d lose another child. Yes, that fear was very real and even stronger than the fear of losing her. But I didn’t let my fears stop me from moving forward. If anything, I am by more appreciative of my 22-year marriage to Julianna and our 7 children than I would have been if I hadn’t lost my late wife Krista and our daughter Hope.
So for those widows and widowers who want to open their hearts but are struggling with the fear of loss, let me suggest a change of mindset. The question to ask yourself isn’t, What if I lose this person?—it’s What kind of life do I want to live? A life dictated by fear will always be small and unfulfilling. A life guided by love, on the other hand, will be rich and meaningful, regardless of what the future holds. Every great love story, past and present, is built on the willingness to embrace uncertainty. Holding back out of fear won’t prevent loss; it will only prevent love. And in the end, the greatest tragedy isn’t losing someone—it’s never allowing yourself to love fully in the first place.
I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.