I respond to an insightful essay by the wife of a widower who helped keep the memory of the late wife alive only to realize that her behavior was a mistake. Read the essay here.
Transcript
I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re going to discuss an essay written by the wife of a widower who describes her experience of helping to keep the memory of the late wife alive. Now, full disclosure, I know the author and she helped edit one of my books, The Wife in the Next Life. Now, the reason I’m sharing this essay is that she provides great insight on what not to do when becoming involved with a widower when it comes to keeping the memory of the late wife alive.
Usually, it’s the widower that wants to keep the memory of the late wife alive through shrines, yearly memorial services, telling stories, and photograph. However, sometimes the girlfriend or wife of a widowers does things to keep the flame burning. In this article, just a few of the author did included
Indulged the widower’s parents (who adored the late wife) in conversations about her.
Helped celebrate her birthday
Scatter the late wife’s dogs ashes at her grave
Wore her belt for many years
Now before you pile on the author for doing these things, this type of activity is actually more common than people think. When I talk to clients who are dating or married to a widower, I often hear how their empathy and/or guilt makes them feel like they have obligations to help keep the flame of the late wife burning especially if there are young children in the mix.
The truth is you’re under no, and I repeat, NO obligation to keep the memory of the late wife alive or indulge in any activity that does this. Your focus should be on the present, the future, and how to, along with the widower, build a strong relationship that will last forever and this essay artfully illustrates the downsides of trying to keep the memory of the late wife alive.
The good news is that the writer learned her lesson and the key takeaway in this essay is the following line: “Maybe the greatest act of love — for me, for Brandon, even for [his late wife] Sherise — I realized, is to let the dead rest in peace. To live in the moment without compromise or apology.”
If you want to read this insightful essay, and I encourage you to do so, there’s a link in the video description below. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.