What’s the best way to honor the late wife? The answer may surprise you.
Transcript of video follows:
It's Wednesday, and it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we're going to address a question I get not only from women dating widowers but from widowers themselves: what is the best way for the widower to honor the late wife?
This is often asked because a lot of women get involved in a relationship with a widower and then feel guilty that they aren't doing something to help the widower honor the late wife, like visiting the cemetery or participating in some kind of event in her honor. I also get it from widowers as well. They ask, "What is a good way to honor the late wife?"
I think the reason the question gets asked so much is that, as a society, we don't have a lot of norms or customs around what's the best way to honor someone. Maybe 100 years ago there was a way to do it, but now it's like, "Well, I don't know. I'm gonna run an event or post something on social media." There's no real norm around this.
So, if you feel guilty, don't. I'll explain in a minute, but let's talk about some of the ways that widowers "honor" the late wife. I'm going to put that in air quotes because I think I can make a case that these really aren't ways to honor the late wife.
Some ways you'll see include putting the ashes on the mantel somewhere, displaying photos of her in the house, posting something on social media about the late wife on special days like their anniversary, birthday, or date of death, or participating in some kind of event in her honor, like a 5K charity run if she died from a disease like cancer. They might also visit the gravesite regularly or get together annually with family or friends to honor her.
If you're feeling guilty about not participating with the widower or his kids, know that you are now absolved of all guilt regarding this. As a former widower, I absolve you of all guilt. Whether you're a widower or dating one, if you feel guilty about not doing any of these things to honor the late wife, don't. You shouldn't feel guilty because none of these things are ways to actually honor the late wife. They're great ways to remember her, but not to honor her.
There's a difference between remembering the late wife and honoring her. Often, when we talk about honoring the late wife, we're really talking about ways to remember her. I talk in my book about healthy ways to remember the late wife, but if you want to honor somebody, there's a better way than posting something on social media or visiting a cemetery.
So, how do you honor the late wife? In short, you live your life in a way that would make her proud of you. Think about it. To honor the late wife, live your life in a way that would make her proud.
Let me give you an example. In the Bible, they talk about honoring your father and mother. I'm not going into the religious aspect, but think about it. How many people honor their mom and dad by putting up photos in their home or visiting their gravesite? Is that how you honor your parents?
Honestly, think about it. If you're a parent, what's the best way you would want your kids to honor you if you died? Would it be putting up photos, visiting your gravesite twice a year, or running a race in your honor? Or would it be living their lives in a way that makes you proud?
For me, as a parent, I hope when I die, my kids remember me fondly and maybe visit the cemetery occasionally. But more importantly, I want them to turn into good members of their community.
So, take that a step further. How would your late wife want you to honor her? Would it be through parties and photos, or would she want you to be happy and move on?
An example of how I honor my late wife, Krista, is by remarrying and having a family with Julianna. Some of you might wonder how remarrying and having a family with another woman honors my late wife. Krista had an outgoing personality and made everyone feel loved and included. If she saw me moping around years later, she'd be mad.
The best way I honor Krista is by living my life fully, being happy, and continuing to live. I have built a great life with Julianna and my kids. It's not perfect, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
So, think about your late wife. If she were looking down from heaven, would she be happy with the way you're living your life? Are you raising your kids well?
Remembering the late wife is fine, but you honor the people you love by the way you live your life. If you can live in a way that makes them proud, you've done your job.
So, if you're dating a widower, don't feel bad if you're not participating in ways to remember the late wife. The best thing you can do is help each other be happy.
And if you're a widower, take some time today to think about how your late wife would want you to live your life. Are you living in a way that honors her?
Live your lives in a way that would make the late wife proud. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Feel free to subscribe and comment below if you can think of other ways to honor the late wife. Schedule a coaching session if you'd like to talk about this more. See you all next Wednesday.