What do you do about a widower who's stuck in his ways? Relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh has the answer.
Transcript of video follows:
Hi, it's Wednesday and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I want to share a situation posted on the Dating a Widower Facebook group because it illustrates issues you face no matter who you're dating, whether they're widowed or not. Yes, I'm sharing this post with the person's permission.
Now, this person wrote: "My widower boyfriend is older and set in his ways. When I go to his house, he usually cooks a meal and I start doing the dishes. He doesn't want me to do the dishes because he dislikes how anyone else does them. That's the same way with the stove top. Yesterday, he offered to let me cook something, but I declined because he'd season it the way he wanted anyway. I understand this isn't a widower situation, but I want to know who has to be more flexible, him or me?"
The reason I love this question is because once you work through these widower issues, you're going to find out that the person you're dating, whether widow or widower, has quirks. This isn't unique to widows or widowers—everyone has quirks. Even everybody watching this, we all have quirks. One of the reasons you date is to get to know people's quirks and decide if this is something you can live with or not.
In answer to the question about who needs to be more flexible, it sounds like the widower likes cooking and enjoys his kitchen a certain way. So, what you need to decide is if his cooking and kitchen quirks are a deal breaker or not. If cooking and kitchen things are something you enjoy, then this might be something that stops the relationship from moving forward. But if he's a good cook and you're okay with taking a step back, at least in the kitchen, I would say sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever he creates. Be grateful that you don't have to clean up afterwards. For me personally, that's the worst part of cooking—cleaning up.
Now, I know some of you are watching and wondering if the widower should at least change or let his girlfriend help out. I'm honestly not opposed to asking what she can do to help or seeing if he'll consider a change like she's done. But, you know, if nothing's going to change, then just back off and understand that there are some battles worth fighting, such as asking the widow or widower to make you number one in his heart or standing up to his children. But there are other battles, such as these quirks, that aren't really worth fighting over. That's why I think it's best to take a step back in this case and just decide if you can live with it.
It's also good to recognize that we all have our own quirks and there are things we want to do ourselves and have done a certain way. For example, when Juliana and I were first married, she wanted to make my lunches every day, every morning before I went to work. But this was something I wanted to do myself. There was nothing wrong with the lunches she made, and I knew she was doing it because she loved me, but one of my quirks is that I just want to pack my own lunch. I can't tell you why this is, but it's just something I really want to do. Eventually, Juliana realized this wasn't a battle worth fighting and she let me take care of it. We're living happily ever after because of it.
For the rest of you, maybe ask yourself if you've reached a point in your relationship where you know your widow's or widower's quirks. If not, maybe start paying attention because some quirks may be deal breakers. Oftentimes, quirks aren't usually grief-related, but sometimes they are. You just have to pay attention to those and hopefully, they're not deal breakers. If they're not, I hope that you can either enjoy them or at the very least tolerate those things that make that individual unique.
If you feel like it, why don't you go ahead and list the quirks of the widows and widowers you're dating in the comments below, or list your own quirks and let us know how you and your partner dealt with them and how you solved this problem. I think it'd be good for a lot of people to read that.
I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Don't forget to subscribe to this channel or schedule a coaching session. I will see you all next Wednesday.