Last week someone using the name Uberconfused posted the following question on past post.
Hi Abel!
I have been dating my guy (A) for over 6 months now. In my books it has been 10 months but according to him we weren’t dating the first half of our relationship! Anyways, that’s not why I’m writing. A’s wife passed away two years ago from a brain tumor. He has a three year old and a seven year old. I have totally committed myself to being whatever being a part of his life entails including going to Disney with him and the girls, AND his late wife’s mom and sister! I really didn’t want to because I was uncomfortable with vacationing with them but it turned out to be a good vacation.
So now I am basically living at the house he bought a year ago, the talk of babies and marriage has come up and when I explain to A that I want all the things he’s already had with his late wife, like an engagement and the party and a wedding and babies his response is “I can’t guarantee that we’ll get married or have babies, but I will love you for the rest of my life.” This makes me really upset though j should add that he canceled his vasectomy to be with me because that was a deal breaker for me. He says he can’t see the future and maybe we won’t even be able to have a child! So I’m frustrated and annoyed and think his answer is bogus. So this has all happened in the last week. And then yesterday when I made a comment about checking with me about the girls going away for the weekend he made it perfectly clear that they are his daughters and not to question him about the decisions he makes.
So that’s not even why I’m writing . . . because his wife died of a brain tumor, he holds an annual fundraising gala in her honor. I think it’s a great cause and have helped out with donations and selling tickets as much as I can, even though it really makes me uncomfortable :( and every time his sister’s post a pic of him and his wife on the gala Facebook page I feel jealous… and I don’t really know what to do about it. I love him and the girls, but I truly worry that I’m missing out on some of the things I want and that I’m going to forever live in her shadow. I don’t want to feel jealous of her and I certainly don’t want to be her replacement.
Help!!!
Uberconfused,
In any relationship, it’s important to know what your deal breakers are. If getting married and having kids of your own are very important to you, then be sure you’re dating someone who wants the same things. If he says he doesn't know if he wants kids, take him at his word. At that point you need to decide how much more time and energy you want to invest in someone who’s probably not going to give you marriage or kids.
As for the annual fundraising gala, don’t participate or help out if it makes you uncomfortable. Have something else planned with friends for the day and tell the widower you hope the event goes well. And after it’s all over, ask him how long he plans on holding these events and decide if it’s something you can live with.
If you’re in a relationship where you constantly feel like second place or you’re missing out on things important things, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Decide what you can and can’t live with. If you feel like your wants and needs aren't a priority with him, there’s probably a reason for that.