Widower Wednesday: What Red Flags Should I Look for When Dating a Widower?

Recently I received an email from a GOW who had just started dating a widower. Though the relationship was still in the early stages, she wanted to know what red flags she should be on the lookout for so she could know if he was ready to move on or not.

I’ve previously posted a list of red flags that anyone dating a widower should be aware of. While that list covers the biggest, most common ones, it doesn’t take into account other warning signs that the widower may not be ready to move on or individual circumstances, wants, and needs that come with each relationship. So, here are three things GOWs can do to see if there are other red flags they should be worried about.

1. Know What You Want in a Relationship

Before you can identify other red flags in any relationship, it’s important to know what you’re looking for when it comes to a man. You need to have a good idea what values you want a potential partner and what behavior you expect from him before you can identify red flags. Once you know what you want, compare that list to the widower’s values and actions. Do you feel that he loves and respects you or do you feel mistreated and unsure if how he feels about you? Mark anything that doesn’t line up with what you expect as a possible red flag.

2. Figure Out if You're Making Grief-Related Excuses for His Behavior

After you've identified potential red flags, take a step back and see if you’re making grief-related excuses for his behavior. You determine if you're putting up with a widower's actions, comments, and behavior that you wouldn't tolerate from a divorced of single man. If you are, you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. Allowing someone to misbehave for any reason is simply going to encourage them to keep doing it. You need to put your foot down and start treating him like you would any other guy you'd date and see if he's willing to move on or not.

3. Decide What You Can and Can't Live With

After going through the first two steps, take a long, honest look at the widower and decide if he was to stay exactly the same person as he is today (red flags and all), could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Not everyone is going to line up perfectly with what we want in a spouse. What you need to decide is if the red flags you've identified are things you can live with or deal breakers. If you can't live with them, then you need to decide how much more time and energy you're willing to invest in the relationship that's not going anywhere.

Don't be afraid to walk away from a relationship that's not going anywhere. Breaking up isn't fun or easy, but in the long run it beats staying in a relationship that's not going anywhere. Have the courage to be honest with yourself and the widower about any red flags. You'll both be better off for it.

Widower Wednesday: Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend

Note: I've got a fun announcement coming out Monday. If you want to be the first to know about it, sign up for my newsletter.

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Dana posted the following comment on a recent Widower Wednesday post.

I am a widower and want to know if it is OK to propose to my girlfriend and give her the engagement diamond I bought 30 years ago for my first wife.  It is large, beautiful, and I was planning to get it set in something my girlfriend would adore.  The diamond is special to me (more than any new store-bought one could ever be) and has been a token of my love for 30+ years.  Thoughts?

The diamond probably has a lot of meaning to you but it's probably not going to have the same sentimental value to your girlfriend. This isn't a diamond that your grandmother had or even your mother had.  We're talking about a diamond that was worn by your late wife.

Think about that.

Would you wear a wedding band that your girlfriends ex or late husband would have worn? Wouldn't you rather have something that was meant something to you?

Your girlfriend is a different person. If you're going to ask her to spend the rest of her life with you, the least you can do is give her a new diamond or other precious stone—something that has special meaning for her.  You're starting a new chapter in your life. There's no reason to make your past life a part of it.

As for your late wife's diamond, keep is somewhere special and safe and don't let the feelings, emotions, or memories that come with it interfere with your new relationship.

Widower Wednesday: Trigger Warnings

Recently on the Dating a Widower Facebook group, there was a thread from a GOW worried how often the W might be forced to think about the late wife. The reason for her concern was that there were people with the same name as the late wife, places, and other things that could trigger a memory of her or their times together. When asked about whether or not it triggered memories of the past, the widower shrugged it off and said it wasn’t a big deal. The GOW wanted to know if he was telling the truth or sparing her feelings.

Here’s my take: Everyone has something that will trigger certain memories or emotions.  A song, for example, might bring back memories from high school, a first kiss or dance, or a vacation. For others a smell might trigger memories of grandmother’s house, a stay in the hospital, or a job. Some of these memories might be good. Other times the memory might be bad. The point is that everyone, including widowers, has them.

There could be 100 different things that set off a memory of time with late wife. But so what? There’s nothing a GOW or WOW can do about memory triggers. They happen whether we want them to or not.

The bigger concern should be how does the widower deal with memory triggers? Unless his loss is recent (18 months or less), most widowers are able to deal with these the same way other people do: they relive the memory for a second or two and then go on with their life. Once or twice a week something might trigger a memory of my past life with the late wife but 99.9 percent of the time no one knows that such an event has ever happened. But nearly 100 times a week I’ll have something trigger a memory about Marathon Girl or my kids.

And that’s the way it should be.

For example last night our five-year-old son came into our room sleep walking. After I put him back in bed, I had a short conversation with Marathon Girl about our oldest kid and how he used to sleep walk and how that freaked us out the first time it happened. One the way home from work I drove past an apartment complex that Marathon Girl and I lived in for a year. That triggered some nice memories. Then at work earlier in the day I overheard a co-worker telling someone else a story about her kids that sent a cascade of memories of my own children through my mind. Nothing happened to trigger a memory of my past life.

So unless triggers put him in a funk or get him talking incessantly about his past, stop worrying about it. Instead work on creating memories with him so that when he hears a song or sees something it reminds him about his new life instead of his old one. The time you spend together, the more triggers you’ll create.

Widower Wednesday: Out-of-Control Teenage Daughters and Widowers

From the Inbox comes the following:

Abel,

I know this is not an issue that you have had to deal with personally, but I am in hope that your readers may be able to offer up some advice on how they have met the challenges of helping raise a child, specifically a teenager daughter, amidst the many obstacles of being a stepparent, the teenage years, the lack of authority, and a father who is reluctant to set down rules and boundaries.  It is greatly affecting not only the relationship between he and I, but the relationship that his daughter and I have tried to build over the last couple of years.

The most recent development is her admission to him that she feels like everything had changed (her freedoms) only since I came into the picture.  This admission came, not surprisingly, after we put some restrictions on her phone use.  She has failed to realize that as she matures, new rules and boundaries go along with that and her father seems ill equipped or reluctant to explain this to her.  I should note that I don't say or do anything until I've discussed it with the W, but she still chooses to believe that it is coming from me, and not through her father and I arriving at a mutual decision.

Thanks,

N.

N.,

While I don’t have any experience being a step-parent, I do have experience being a father. It’s never good for any child to have one parent who’s doing their best to be a good mom or dad with the other parent is only passively involved. Even though I don’t have teenagers yet, my kids are always testing boundaries and trying to find out if Marathon Girl or I will give in on certain issues.

Based on what you said, her dad needs to start set rules and boundaries. Odds are she'll listen to him more than you. Then the two of you need to get on the same page as far as what these boundaries are and what the punishments are if they rules are broken. Two different set of expectations only cause confusion and the problems you're experiencing. The two of you need to get on the same page. While that may not solve all the issues, it’s a necessary starting point in order to address the problems she’s causing.

Hope this helps,

Abel

Readers? What suggestions do you have for N?

Widower Wednesday: Hey Jealousy

Last week someone using the name Uberconfused posted the following question on past post.

Hi Abel!

I have been dating my guy (A) for over 6 months now. In my books it has been 10 months but according to him we weren’t dating the first half of our relationship! Anyways, that’s not why I’m writing. A’s wife passed away two years ago from a brain tumor. He has a three year old and a seven year old. I have totally committed myself to being whatever being a part of his life entails including going to Disney with him and the girls, AND his late wife’s mom and sister! I really didn’t want to because I was uncomfortable with vacationing with them but it turned out to be a good vacation.

So now I am basically living at the house he bought a year ago, the talk of babies and marriage has come up and when I explain to A that I want all the things he’s already had with his late wife, like an engagement and the party and a wedding and babies his response is “I can’t guarantee that we’ll get married or have babies, but I will love you for the rest of my life.” This makes me really upset though j should add that he canceled his vasectomy to be with me because that was a deal breaker for me. He says he can’t see the future and maybe we won’t even be able to have a child! So I’m frustrated and annoyed and think his answer is bogus. So this has all happened in the last week. And then yesterday when I made a comment about checking with me about the girls going away for the weekend he made it perfectly clear that they are his daughters and not to question him about the decisions he makes.

So that’s not even why I’m writing . . . because his wife died of a brain tumor, he holds an annual fundraising gala in her honor. I think it’s a great cause and have helped out with donations and selling tickets as much as I can, even though it really makes me uncomfortable :( and every time his sister’s post a pic of him and his wife on the gala Facebook page I feel jealous… and I don’t really know what to do about it. I love him and the girls, but I truly worry that I’m missing out on some of the things I want and that I’m going to forever live in her shadow. I don’t want to feel jealous of her and I certainly don’t want to be her replacement.

Help!!!

Uberconfused,

In any relationship, it’s important to know what your deal breakers are. If getting married and having kids of your own are very important to you, then be sure you’re dating someone who wants the same things. If he says he doesn't know if he wants kids, take him at his word. At that point you need to decide how much more time and energy you want to invest in someone who’s probably not going to give you marriage or kids.

As for the annual fundraising gala, don’t participate or help out if it makes you uncomfortable. Have something else planned with friends for the day and tell the widower you hope the event goes well. And after it’s all over, ask him how long he plans on holding these events and decide if it’s something you can live with.

If you’re in a relationship where you constantly feel like second place or you’re missing out on things important things, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Decide what you can and can’t live with. If you feel like your wants and needs aren't a priority with him, there’s probably a reason for that.

Widower Wednesday: Second Place

From the inbox comes the following question:

How do I handle the days when the widower I'm dating is missing his wife. It reminds me that no matter how much he loves me I will never be the one he really wishes he could be with. I feel I'll never know what it's like to be that loved and cherished and wanted. I dated a widower once before and I couldn't handle this feeling. I truly love this man and I am trying so hard to accept this. Do you have any advice?

Thanks,

T.

Hi T.,

You shouldn't be dating someone who still wishes he was with someone else. It doesn't matter if that person is alive or dead. You should feel just as loved and cherished as the late wife. Widowers who are serious about starting a new chapter in their lives with someone else should be able to put their love and feelings for the late wife in a special place in their heart and give 99.9% of their time and attention to the woman they are with now. If you're widower can't do that, you're always going to feel second best. You need to decide if that's a relationship you can live with.

Hope this helps,

Abel

Widower Wednesday: Online Dating Profiles

The following question was recently left on this post by Sonia.

I was recently matched with a man online who is widowed. I'm interested in meeting him and we have plans to meet this week. My problem is two of his profile pictures are of him and his deceased wife. Forget dealing with photos in the house; she's a part of his dating profile! I feel weird about it. Is it a red flag? Should this concern me? Or is he just oblivious? I don't want to inadvertently run from a potentially great man, but I also don't want to put myself in the middle of something that could be a disaster.

Sonia,

This is a first for me. I've never heard of someone posting a photo of the widower and the late wife on a dating site. You didn't mention how old the widower is? Is he getting on and years and doesn't understand internet dating etiquette? My level of concern really depends on how long he's been widowed. Recent widowers, especially those new to the dating game, are pretty clueless when it comes to things like how the photos of their late spouse can affect potential relationships. If he's been widowed for awhile and been dating for a bit, he should know better.

That being said, I don't see a problem with going on a date to get a better feel of where he's at emotionally and if those online pictures should be something you should be really concerned about. My personal opinion is that it's hard to get a real feel for someone unless you can spend some time with them in person.

So go out for coffee or lunch. Something short and sweet. If after one date you feel, he's not ready then time to move on to another profile.

Hope this helps.

Abel

Widower Wednesday: Did I End Things Too Soon?

The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers is now available on iTunes. A paperback version as well as Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords ebooks are also available. For those who have asked for signed copies, I should have some copies available in my store in a few weeks. (Thanks for your patience.) If you're unsure if the book is for you or the widower you're dating, you can read Chapter 1 here.

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Below is a recent email exchange I had with a GOW. A few personal details have been omitted to protect the privacy of the sender. Emails shared with permission.

Hi Abel,

I need your advice. I've been dating a widower for 5 months. We met a few months after his late wife's death. Things were going great until one day I learned that he was making daily trips to the cemetery to visit his late wife's grave. I didn't feel he was ready for a relationship so I ended things. That was two weeks ago. Now I’m having second thoughts that I might have been too hasty. Should I have been more patient?

D.

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Hi D.,

I need a little more information before I answer your question. When you asked the widower why he visited his late wife's grave every day, what did he say?

Abel

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 Abel,

I didn't ask him. I don't really know why he went to her grave every day.

D.

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D.

Are you still on speaking terms with him? If so, why not ask him and see what he says.

Abel

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Abel,

I haven't talked to the widower since I ended things. He's texted me a couple times but I haven't responded. I don’t want to be one of those women I read about in your blog and books that go back to the widower and nothing has changed. Are you saying that I should contact him again? I don't want to get serious with someone who won't make me number 1. Thanks for your help.

D.

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D.

In general, you are correct. You don't want to get back with a widower if he's not going to make you number one. But I'm not asking you to do that. All I'm suggesting is if you want to know if ending the relationship was a mistake, you need to know why he was visiting his wife's grave every day. I'm not saying get back together with him rather just have a chat in order to help determine whether or not he's actually ready for a serious relationship with you.

Abel,

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Abel,

I know it's been a week since you heard from me but I wanted to update you on my story. The day after reading your email, I texted him and asked if we could talk. He agreed. We went out for coffee and after making small talk for a minute I asked him about the cemetery visits. He told me that he just felt it was what he was supposed to do. He had no idea that his actions were hurting me. He said he was willing to stop visiting the grave if it would mean that I would give him a second chance. I told him that I didn't think that was something I could ask of him and that he should be able to visit her as often as he wanted but that he should also keep my feelings in mind.

To make a long story short, we are back together. I feel like an idiot for not talking to him about it when it first came up. It would have saved us both a lot of hurt feelings and heartache had I simply talked to him. He hasn't visited her grave in the last week but Memorial Day is coming up next week and I told him that he could visit her on that day if he wanted and my feelings wouldn't be hurt. I don't know if he's going to pay her a visit but I think I can live with him going to see her once in a while. I don't want to dictate what he can and can't do. We're both adults and I'm sure we'll figure out something that we can both live with.

Thanks again for your help.

D.

Widower Wednesday: The Accidental In-Law

Book update: The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers is available in e-book format for the Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords. A paperback version and other e-book formats will be available soon. You can read the first chapter here.

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Today I want to draw attention to a great essay called The Accidental In-Law. The author, Amy Paturel, is married to a widower. In the essay she describes her relationship with the late wife’s family and the reason she has such a great relationship with them.

Often those who are dating or married to widowers not only have to deal with late wife issues but the late wife’s family who might be having a hard time seeing their daughter’s husband fall in love with someone else. I think the essay serves as a good template for all on how everyone (not just the late wife’s family) can open your heart and life to someone after someone else you’ve loved has passed on and encourage everyone to read it.

That first meeting [with the late wife’s parent’s] could have been awkward, uncomfortable, even nerve-racking, but Roger and Chris made me feel at ease. We strolled on the beach, Brandon and Roger walking ahead while Chris and I lingered behind. Then we had dinner and drinks at a seaside restaurant, talking easily about travel, life, and love.

Noelle’s name never came up.

As we were driving home after dinner, I asked Brandon how Roger felt about me—and how he felt about me dating his daughter’s husband. “He loved you,” Brandon assured me. “He said you were warm, intelligent, sweet, and he told me not to wait too long before snapping you up.”

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When we’re together, Roger delights in our children, lifting each of them to the sky while the other clambers for his attention, raising their arms and begging for a turn—the picture of a playful grandfather enjoying his progeny.

I think about Noelle. What would she give to have this experience with her dad, her husband, and the children she and Brandon might have brought into this world.

Sometimes, I feel her with us. During Roger’s visits, Brandon might give him some of her old things, or the two of them will reminisce about a long-ago family event. But Roger never dwells in that place for long. He navigates the conversation matter-of-factly, while I silence my longing to ask a million questions about his daughter, and why he has chosen to love what she left behind.

Whatever the reason, Roger has decided to face his loss by surrounding himself with people Noelle loved most in this life. He could have turned into his grief. He could have faded quietly into the background, leaving Brandon to navigate his new life on his own. Instead, Roger has been a pillar of support—embracing me and Brandon in our journey to become a family.

Read the whole essay at Spirituality & Health.

Widower Wednesday: Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Book update: Just waiting on the final hi-res cover for The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers. Once I have that, the book will be available soon. If you'd like to be the first to know about the availability of the book, be sure to join my email list. People on the list will be the first to know when it's available.

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A comment that was recently left on a past Widower Wednesday column asks for help:

John was happily married for 38 yrs. We started dating 10 months ago, meet on a website. He’s been widowed 4 yrs. & 2 mo’s now. He claims to love me but somehow I feel that he’s holding back due to guilt.

Here’s the problem: His deceased wife, shortly before she died, ask him to promise to Never be with another women Ever! He made this promise knowing he wouldn’t keep it, but wanted to not cause her any further pain, emotional or otherwise. He’s a wonderful, caring man who appears to want to go on w/ his life, but only so far as his guilt will let him. He says he’s “over this guilt re: his promise” but I don’t really feel he is as I can feel him holding back…in all ways.

He hardly touches me during sex, foreplay wise, almost as though “he shouldn’t touch or enjoy me too much”. He says he’s committed to me, but doubts that he’ll ever marry again. (I would like to be married again but am willing to let that go as long as I know he truly loves me). His grown sons (36 & 38 yrs. old) are still single & are almost too close & dependent on him. He “allows” this, it seems because I believe his wife made him feel responsible for them for the rest of their lives. I feel they need to grow up and move on w/ their own lives, thus freeing John to do so also. His sons and I have a good relationship. John is extremely close to his deceased wife’s family/sisters and her best friend. Even 4 yrs. after his wife’s passing, they all still call on every anniversary: her b’day, their wedding day, the anniversary of her death, etc.

I believe this helps to prevent John from being able to truly move on. He admits that the frequent calls on anniversaries makes his pain worse, but says he’ll never tell them that. The sisters and best friend of wife, all know about the promise she made John give and told him most likely she didn’t meant it and that it was o.k. for him to date. BUT, it seems it’s only o.k. for him to date…..Not be really in love w/ another woman. He still has many, many pix’s of his wife, sons, and himself all over his house, including his bedroom. He took out the ones of just the two of them together, at my request. He does try to please me, but it’s limited to what he feels comfortable with.

I wonder if I’m wasting my time, will I ever be on the same level as his deceased wife was, even if not married, in his heart. I love him dearly, he’s an easy man to love but after reading your books, I don’t want to be taken care of. Am I just a “place holder” for her?

Dianne

Dianne,

You've got a host of concerns here but it seems like most of them could be taken care of if John really wanted to take care of them. For example, John knows the calls from friends and family on special dates hold him back but he won't do anything about it. He allows his two adult children to be overly dependent on him. He also allows his "promise" to his deceased wife get in the way of your sex life and hold back in other ways.

Does this sound like a widower who's ready to start a new life with someone else?

This isn't a man who's ready to make you or anyone else number one in his heart. Widowers who are truly ready to start a new life with someone else figure out a way overcome the obstacles that present themselves. They man up and politely tell friends and family that he loves talking to them but doesn't need their anniversary calls anymore. He can choose not to use a "promise" he made to his wife as an excuse to hold back.  Yet after 10 months together he doesn't do any of these things. If he's not willing to make baby steps at making you number one, odds are things aren't going to change 10 months or 10 years from now.

The best thing those in your situation can do is decide what you can and can't live with, set boundaries, and let the widower know what you want from the relationship. At that point it's up to him to decide if he values you enough to make you number one in his heart. If he's not willing to do that, find someone who's willing to treat you like a queen.