Widower Wednesday: 2 Things That Will Always Drive Widowers Away

For the most part these Widower Wednesday columns focus on knowing whether or not the widower you're dating is ready for a relationship or simply looking for companionship. Today, I'd like to focus on a two behaviors that will send a widower (or any man for that matter) running for the hills. It's something I've seen an increasing amount of in my inbox and on the Dating a Widower Facebook group so I thought this would be a good place to address it.

The behaviors? Being insecure and whining.

Most men don't like being around women want him to constantly reaffirm that he loves her. They don't like listening to a stream of problems they want the widower to fix or, at the very least, listen to. Men simply aren't wired that way. Men like women who like themselves. They hate criticism, nagging, and whining.

An example: Before I dated Marathon Girl, I had a serious relationship with a friend. (Full details of this relationship can be found in my memoir Room for Two.) Because it was a long distance relationship, we could only see each other every four to six weeks. As a result, most of our communications was spent on the phone or emailing each other. (This was in the days before texting was popular.)

At first things went fine but after a month or so I noticed that most of our conversations was her either getting reassurance that I loved her and a daily list of all the things and problems in her life. After several months of this it got to the point where I found our conversations emotionally exhausting. I no longer cared about her the problems with school, student teaching, or trying to find her first job. I wanted to hear positive stories and things she was doing to solve these problems. When we had face-to-face time, just about everything focused on her need for validation or all the issues in her life. It drove me nuts.

When I started dating Marathon Girl, it was the exact opposite experience. Yes, Marathon Girl had problems (who doesn't) but for the most part they weren't the front and center of every conversation. And when they did come up, Marathon Girl was wise enough to know what problems I could solve or help her with and which ones she needed to fix on her own. And after we had one of these conversations, we'd move on to something more positive.

For example, the first time I called Marathon Girl by my late wife's name, we had a five or 10 minute talk about why it had happened, how it made her feel, and what we were going to do if it happened again. Then we went outside and spent the next hour playing basketball. It wasn't an long, tear-filled conversation because it didn't need to be. We talked about it, figured out a solution, and moved on to something more positive.

Marathon Girl also didn't spend tons of time fretting about whether or not I loved her. She felt confident in herself that if our relationship came to an end, she'd find someone better who also didn't come with a bunch of widower baggage. She pretty much let me know that her life was fine before I came into it and if things didn't work out between us, she had marathons to run and medical school to prep for if things didn’t work out. That attitude was one of Marathon Girl's most attractive features.

So next time you find the widower withdrawing from a relationship, take a few minute and see if it's because the widower's not ready or if you're the one driving him away.  If you want a widower (or any man) to enjoy being around you, feel confident (or fake confidence) about yourself and your life. Stop dwelling on every bad thing or suffocating the widower emotionally. That kind of behavior respells men. Focus on the positive and you'll find that the widower can't get enough of you.

Widower Wednesday: Success Story: Jessica

For the next couple of weeks I'm sharing some success stories that women have had with their widowers. You can read the first story here. This week's story is below.

Jessica's Story

I had my first date with Stephen on July 3, 2013. We met on Match.com at the end of June, just 4 months after his LW took her own life in a prescription drug overdose. She died just a few months before their 10 year wedding anniversary, and they had dated 5 years before that. As he was only 32 at the time of her death and 33 when we met, he had spent most of her life with her. I was reasonably sure that he wasn't ready for a relationship when we started dating, but I took a chance on simply meeting someone new, as I had not gone out on a first date in a long time myself. I quickly discovered the Dating a Widower Facebook group and got a lot of support from there. Those women became my lifeline. I also found Abel Keogh's books, Dating a Widower, Life with a Widower,and Room for Two. Dating a Widower and Life with a Widower helped me realize I wasn't alone in my feelings and experiences. Room for Two gave me an idea of some of the experiences that Stephen may have had in dealing with the death of his late wife and the experiences of dating again after many years of marriage.

The first few months we dated were a bit awkward, with lots of stories about "my wife", even when they weren't related to the topic at hand. Those stopped when I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and asked him to refer to her by his name. When we started dating, all of her clothes were still in the closet, her makeup and stuff was in the bathroom, and there was a large framed portrait in the living room. He lived in a one-bedroom apartment, so all things being considered, the living room was the best place for it. The clothing and picture went away after about 7 months of dating, which coincided with the anniversary of her passing. It took a lot of prompting and some tears on my part, but I also knew he had to do it on his time. It was really hard, though, hearing him tell me that he loved me, kissing and cuddling on his couch, while seeing a picture of his LW almost staring at us on the living room wall.

In the early spring, we started to talk about a future together. He told me that he wanted to marry me, but still seemed reluctant to really move forward and was unable to explain why. It was like getting married was just an idea, instead of something he was serious about. When I asked questions, he seemed to emotionally pull away. I didn't understand, and contemplated throwing in the towel and walking away. Around the time of our one year anniversary, we took a trip to visit my parents out of state. I was sure that he was going to ask my dad's permission to propose. He didn't, and again, I contemplated walking away. This went on for quite awhile. In early October, I bought him a Kindle copy of Abel's book Room for Two, as I thought reading about another man's journey as a survivor or suicide may speak to him. He read the book and then went on a Mens' retreat with our church. Both of those things really worked wonders,but something was still missing. I think that only Stephen would be able to speak to what that was, because I still had a deadline in my head of when I was going to walk away. I'm 37 years old and knew that I could only spend so much time in a relationship that was stagnant, before I had to move on.

Thanksgiving weekend, we traveled out of town to spend the holiday with my mom's side of the family. That morning, before everyone came over, he and I took a walk. He told me how much he loved me and asked me to marry him. When we got back to the house, he asked my dad's permission, and here we are.

If I were to provide any words of wisdom, it would be to communicate. Use words, not texts or emails. We share a religion and tried to pray together when times were really tough. No relationship is perfect, because nobody is perfect. Set realistic expectations, but don't let a W get away with stuff just because he's a W. Best wishes to all of you.

Widower Wednesday: Success Stories: Crystal

Over the holidays there was six engagement announcements from the GOWS on the Dating a Widower Facebook page. Because Widower Wednesday columns tend to focus on problems rather than more positive moments, I asked the ladies to share their success stories. Over the next several weeks you'll read some of their stories. It is my hope is that you'll find them inspirational and educational.

Here's the first success story.

Crystal's Story

I was divorced at the age of 25 with a 4 year old and had decided to wait a couple years before dating again. When that time came around I had heard about online dating websites but had never actually used one. So I signed up and made a really quick profile and within two days I received an email from my widower.

 I read his profile which indicated that he was a W with two young children aged seven and one. I met him for dinner a week later. Within two months I moved into his home, left my job and became a stay at home mom. The reason behind all this, was the children were suffering. I became “Mom” quickly and we seemed to skip over every milestone a normal relationship would have. It's as if we went from dating for two months to being married with 3 children full time under the age of seven. My widower had lost his late wife 12 weeks after the birth of their daughter, so only eight months after she passed was I living in his home.

Things were difficult for the first year and trying in every aspect. Grief from my widower and his son, raising a new baby girl, blending a family, on top of my health spiraling out of control. I was patient, kind and respectful the first year, helped with date of death memorials and the spreading of late ashes, but I could have done better. I was very short, quiet, and even angry at times whenever someone would mention her name, or a memory of her. In short that was my own insecurities, not feeling good enough when really they just missed her.

Counseling, talking things out and never giving up on each other is what pushed us through the last three years. I give my everything and so does he. Anytime we have an issue, I would talk about it, sometimes not in the best way, sometimes I was very hurtful and sometimes so was he without trying to be. It has all been worth it, every tear, every fight, every discussion, every tough decision and every night that I lay awake wondering if I am doing everything right.

On Christmas 2014, the kids, the widower, and I opened our presents and as I was cleaning up the widower went outside. I didn't realize or even pay attention to what he was doing, I kept cleaning and he entered through the front door and said, “Hey kids, time for Mom to open her last gift.”

I looked up and he was down on one knee next to the kids with tears filling up in his eyes.

He said "Crystal, Will you please marry me?"

I balled my eyes out and couldn't even speak, he slipped the ring on my finger and I kissed and hugged him saying "YES!" Needles to say two-and-a-half years of being patient, being kind, loving each other to the fullest and making our children first priority lead us to that day.

Please ladies give them time, give them love, be patient, speak about what bothers you but not in a way that attacks but in a way that gives them an example of what it feels like to be in your shoes. Love is key.

Widower Wednesday: What Red Flags Should I Look for When Dating a Widower?

Recently I received an email from a GOW who had just started dating a widower. Though the relationship was still in the early stages, she wanted to know what red flags she should be on the lookout for so she could know if he was ready to move on or not.

I’ve previously posted a list of red flags that anyone dating a widower should be aware of. While that list covers the biggest, most common ones, it doesn’t take into account other warning signs that the widower may not be ready to move on or individual circumstances, wants, and needs that come with each relationship. So, here are three things GOWs can do to see if there are other red flags they should be worried about.

1. Know What You Want in a Relationship

Before you can identify other red flags in any relationship, it’s important to know what you’re looking for when it comes to a man. You need to have a good idea what values you want a potential partner and what behavior you expect from him before you can identify red flags. Once you know what you want, compare that list to the widower’s values and actions. Do you feel that he loves and respects you or do you feel mistreated and unsure if how he feels about you? Mark anything that doesn’t line up with what you expect as a possible red flag.

2. Figure Out if You're Making Grief-Related Excuses for His Behavior

After you've identified potential red flags, take a step back and see if you’re making grief-related excuses for his behavior. You determine if you're putting up with a widower's actions, comments, and behavior that you wouldn't tolerate from a divorced of single man. If you are, you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. Allowing someone to misbehave for any reason is simply going to encourage them to keep doing it. You need to put your foot down and start treating him like you would any other guy you'd date and see if he's willing to move on or not.

3. Decide What You Can and Can't Live With

After going through the first two steps, take a long, honest look at the widower and decide if he was to stay exactly the same person as he is today (red flags and all), could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Not everyone is going to line up perfectly with what we want in a spouse. What you need to decide is if the red flags you've identified are things you can live with or deal breakers. If you can't live with them, then you need to decide how much more time and energy you're willing to invest in the relationship that's not going anywhere.

Don't be afraid to walk away from a relationship that's not going anywhere. Breaking up isn't fun or easy, but in the long run it beats staying in a relationship that's not going anywhere. Have the courage to be honest with yourself and the widower about any red flags. You'll both be better off for it.

Widower Wednesday: Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend

Note: I've got a fun announcement coming out Monday. If you want to be the first to know about it, sign up for my newsletter.

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Dana posted the following comment on a recent Widower Wednesday post.

I am a widower and want to know if it is OK to propose to my girlfriend and give her the engagement diamond I bought 30 years ago for my first wife.  It is large, beautiful, and I was planning to get it set in something my girlfriend would adore.  The diamond is special to me (more than any new store-bought one could ever be) and has been a token of my love for 30+ years.  Thoughts?

The diamond probably has a lot of meaning to you but it's probably not going to have the same sentimental value to your girlfriend. This isn't a diamond that your grandmother had or even your mother had.  We're talking about a diamond that was worn by your late wife.

Think about that.

Would you wear a wedding band that your girlfriends ex or late husband would have worn? Wouldn't you rather have something that was meant something to you?

Your girlfriend is a different person. If you're going to ask her to spend the rest of her life with you, the least you can do is give her a new diamond or other precious stone—something that has special meaning for her.  You're starting a new chapter in your life. There's no reason to make your past life a part of it.

As for your late wife's diamond, keep is somewhere special and safe and don't let the feelings, emotions, or memories that come with it interfere with your new relationship.

Widower Wednesday: Trigger Warnings

Recently on the Dating a Widower Facebook group, there was a thread from a GOW worried how often the W might be forced to think about the late wife. The reason for her concern was that there were people with the same name as the late wife, places, and other things that could trigger a memory of her or their times together. When asked about whether or not it triggered memories of the past, the widower shrugged it off and said it wasn’t a big deal. The GOW wanted to know if he was telling the truth or sparing her feelings.

Here’s my take: Everyone has something that will trigger certain memories or emotions.  A song, for example, might bring back memories from high school, a first kiss or dance, or a vacation. For others a smell might trigger memories of grandmother’s house, a stay in the hospital, or a job. Some of these memories might be good. Other times the memory might be bad. The point is that everyone, including widowers, has them.

There could be 100 different things that set off a memory of time with late wife. But so what? There’s nothing a GOW or WOW can do about memory triggers. They happen whether we want them to or not.

The bigger concern should be how does the widower deal with memory triggers? Unless his loss is recent (18 months or less), most widowers are able to deal with these the same way other people do: they relive the memory for a second or two and then go on with their life. Once or twice a week something might trigger a memory of my past life with the late wife but 99.9 percent of the time no one knows that such an event has ever happened. But nearly 100 times a week I’ll have something trigger a memory about Marathon Girl or my kids.

And that’s the way it should be.

For example last night our five-year-old son came into our room sleep walking. After I put him back in bed, I had a short conversation with Marathon Girl about our oldest kid and how he used to sleep walk and how that freaked us out the first time it happened. One the way home from work I drove past an apartment complex that Marathon Girl and I lived in for a year. That triggered some nice memories. Then at work earlier in the day I overheard a co-worker telling someone else a story about her kids that sent a cascade of memories of my own children through my mind. Nothing happened to trigger a memory of my past life.

So unless triggers put him in a funk or get him talking incessantly about his past, stop worrying about it. Instead work on creating memories with him so that when he hears a song or sees something it reminds him about his new life instead of his old one. The time you spend together, the more triggers you’ll create.

Widower Wednesday: Out-of-Control Teenage Daughters and Widowers

From the Inbox comes the following:

Abel,

I know this is not an issue that you have had to deal with personally, but I am in hope that your readers may be able to offer up some advice on how they have met the challenges of helping raise a child, specifically a teenager daughter, amidst the many obstacles of being a stepparent, the teenage years, the lack of authority, and a father who is reluctant to set down rules and boundaries.  It is greatly affecting not only the relationship between he and I, but the relationship that his daughter and I have tried to build over the last couple of years.

The most recent development is her admission to him that she feels like everything had changed (her freedoms) only since I came into the picture.  This admission came, not surprisingly, after we put some restrictions on her phone use.  She has failed to realize that as she matures, new rules and boundaries go along with that and her father seems ill equipped or reluctant to explain this to her.  I should note that I don't say or do anything until I've discussed it with the W, but she still chooses to believe that it is coming from me, and not through her father and I arriving at a mutual decision.

Thanks,

N.

N.,

While I don’t have any experience being a step-parent, I do have experience being a father. It’s never good for any child to have one parent who’s doing their best to be a good mom or dad with the other parent is only passively involved. Even though I don’t have teenagers yet, my kids are always testing boundaries and trying to find out if Marathon Girl or I will give in on certain issues.

Based on what you said, her dad needs to start set rules and boundaries. Odds are she'll listen to him more than you. Then the two of you need to get on the same page as far as what these boundaries are and what the punishments are if they rules are broken. Two different set of expectations only cause confusion and the problems you're experiencing. The two of you need to get on the same page. While that may not solve all the issues, it’s a necessary starting point in order to address the problems she’s causing.

Hope this helps,

Abel

Readers? What suggestions do you have for N?

Widower Wednesday: Hey Jealousy

Last week someone using the name Uberconfused posted the following question on past post.

Hi Abel!

I have been dating my guy (A) for over 6 months now. In my books it has been 10 months but according to him we weren’t dating the first half of our relationship! Anyways, that’s not why I’m writing. A’s wife passed away two years ago from a brain tumor. He has a three year old and a seven year old. I have totally committed myself to being whatever being a part of his life entails including going to Disney with him and the girls, AND his late wife’s mom and sister! I really didn’t want to because I was uncomfortable with vacationing with them but it turned out to be a good vacation.

So now I am basically living at the house he bought a year ago, the talk of babies and marriage has come up and when I explain to A that I want all the things he’s already had with his late wife, like an engagement and the party and a wedding and babies his response is “I can’t guarantee that we’ll get married or have babies, but I will love you for the rest of my life.” This makes me really upset though j should add that he canceled his vasectomy to be with me because that was a deal breaker for me. He says he can’t see the future and maybe we won’t even be able to have a child! So I’m frustrated and annoyed and think his answer is bogus. So this has all happened in the last week. And then yesterday when I made a comment about checking with me about the girls going away for the weekend he made it perfectly clear that they are his daughters and not to question him about the decisions he makes.

So that’s not even why I’m writing . . . because his wife died of a brain tumor, he holds an annual fundraising gala in her honor. I think it’s a great cause and have helped out with donations and selling tickets as much as I can, even though it really makes me uncomfortable :( and every time his sister’s post a pic of him and his wife on the gala Facebook page I feel jealous… and I don’t really know what to do about it. I love him and the girls, but I truly worry that I’m missing out on some of the things I want and that I’m going to forever live in her shadow. I don’t want to feel jealous of her and I certainly don’t want to be her replacement.

Help!!!

Uberconfused,

In any relationship, it’s important to know what your deal breakers are. If getting married and having kids of your own are very important to you, then be sure you’re dating someone who wants the same things. If he says he doesn't know if he wants kids, take him at his word. At that point you need to decide how much more time and energy you want to invest in someone who’s probably not going to give you marriage or kids.

As for the annual fundraising gala, don’t participate or help out if it makes you uncomfortable. Have something else planned with friends for the day and tell the widower you hope the event goes well. And after it’s all over, ask him how long he plans on holding these events and decide if it’s something you can live with.

If you’re in a relationship where you constantly feel like second place or you’re missing out on things important things, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Decide what you can and can’t live with. If you feel like your wants and needs aren't a priority with him, there’s probably a reason for that.

Widower Wednesday: Second Place

From the inbox comes the following question:

How do I handle the days when the widower I'm dating is missing his wife. It reminds me that no matter how much he loves me I will never be the one he really wishes he could be with. I feel I'll never know what it's like to be that loved and cherished and wanted. I dated a widower once before and I couldn't handle this feeling. I truly love this man and I am trying so hard to accept this. Do you have any advice?

Thanks,

T.

Hi T.,

You shouldn't be dating someone who still wishes he was with someone else. It doesn't matter if that person is alive or dead. You should feel just as loved and cherished as the late wife. Widowers who are serious about starting a new chapter in their lives with someone else should be able to put their love and feelings for the late wife in a special place in their heart and give 99.9% of their time and attention to the woman they are with now. If you're widower can't do that, you're always going to feel second best. You need to decide if that's a relationship you can live with.

Hope this helps,

Abel

Widower Wednesday: Online Dating Profiles

The following question was recently left on this post by Sonia.

I was recently matched with a man online who is widowed. I'm interested in meeting him and we have plans to meet this week. My problem is two of his profile pictures are of him and his deceased wife. Forget dealing with photos in the house; she's a part of his dating profile! I feel weird about it. Is it a red flag? Should this concern me? Or is he just oblivious? I don't want to inadvertently run from a potentially great man, but I also don't want to put myself in the middle of something that could be a disaster.

Sonia,

This is a first for me. I've never heard of someone posting a photo of the widower and the late wife on a dating site. You didn't mention how old the widower is? Is he getting on and years and doesn't understand internet dating etiquette? My level of concern really depends on how long he's been widowed. Recent widowers, especially those new to the dating game, are pretty clueless when it comes to things like how the photos of their late spouse can affect potential relationships. If he's been widowed for awhile and been dating for a bit, he should know better.

That being said, I don't see a problem with going on a date to get a better feel of where he's at emotionally and if those online pictures should be something you should be really concerned about. My personal opinion is that it's hard to get a real feel for someone unless you can spend some time with them in person.

So go out for coffee or lunch. Something short and sweet. If after one date you feel, he's not ready then time to move on to another profile.

Hope this helps.

Abel