Last week I posted a video about setting boundaries with widowers. That video inspired one woman who watched it to set boundaries with the widower she was dating and what happened after she did it. She sent me a video about her experience and said I could share it with my readers. She has some great wisdom and experience to share. Enjoy!
Widower Wednesday: The 2 Biggest Mistakes Women Make when Dating a Widower (Part 1)
Thanks for the feedback on the first Widower Wednesday video I made. It was good enough that I decided to make some more videos. In today's video edition of Widower Wednesday, I discuss the 2 big mistakes women make when dating a widower and what you can do to overcome it. Enjoy!
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If you like this video, then you'll probably enjoy one of the books below.
Widower Wednesday: A Video Response
Based on some comments on the blog and the Dating a Widower Facebook group, I decided to make a video to clarify my Widower Wednesday column from yesterday.
I've never made a video like this before so I'd appreciate any feedback on the format and whether I should do more videos like this in the future. If it's a good way to get the point across, maybe I'd do more Widower Wednesday videos in the future. Watch the video below and let me know what you think in the comments below or via email.
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If you liked this video, you might like one of the books below.
Widower Wednesday: How Can You Know if a Widower is Ready to Date Again?
Most questions that hit my inbox come from women who are currently dating or married to a widower. The other day, however, I got a question from someone who hasn’t dated a widower but wants to go out with one.
In the email she told me about her neighbor whose wife passed away last year. She’s had casual conversations with him both before and after his wife died in the neighborhood and at the church they both attend. She never thought about him in a romantic way but now finds herself attracted to him and wants to get to know him better.
The problem is that she’s noticed a bunch of red flags that made her think the widower wasn’t ready for another relationship and she’s hesitant to open her heart to him if things aren’t going to work out. After listing off red flags (still wearing a wedding ring, still posts on late wife’s Facebook page, etc.) she asked me how one can know if a widower is ready to date or have a serious relationship again.
I thought she asked a good question and it was worth a Widower Wednesday post.
Let’s say you met a widower and felt a connection to him but knew about or noticed the following issues:
· He has photos of the late wife in every room of the house
· He wears a wedding ring on his chain around his neck
· He recently bought and renovated the house that his late wife wanted to buy right before she died
Would you think that widower was ready to start a new relationship?
Most readers of this blog would probably say that he’s not ready. After all, how could someone someone who was still wearing wedding his ring or have photos of the late wife everywhere be ready to start a new chapter in his life?
Well, those three red flags are the same red flags Marathon Girl noticed when we started dating.
Was I ready to move on? At the time I thought I was. I had been dating a couple months at that point and had a semi-serious long distance relationship going on. (Read Room for Two if you want all the salacious details.) But looking back it was obvious that there was a lot of work I had to do before I could truly open my heart to Marathon Girl.
So what got me to take the photos down, take off the wedding ring, and sell the house and marry Marathon Girl?
Well, it was my love for Marathon Girl, of course, but until I fell in love with her (officially happened on the second date, BTW) I didn’t have to make a choice between moving forward with someone else and muddling through life as a widower. My love for Marathon Girl forced me to decide what was more important: pictures on the wall of my late wife or her feeling comfortable in my house? Keeping a ring on a chain around my neck or her feelings or wanting to be number one in my heart? A home that had a lot of sentimental value for me or a home where we could start fresh and raise a family together?
Marathon Girl won every single time.
The point of the story is not to let outward red flags dissuade you from getting to know a widower better. Just because he’s wearing a wedding ring or walls covered in photos of the late wife doesn’t mean he won’t remove the ring or take down the photos for you. Odds are he’s still wearing the ring because he hasn’t had to make that choice or found someone worth taking off his wedding band for.
The only way you’re going to know if a widower is really ready to move forward is for the two of you to get to know each other better. Maybe you’ll know on the first date that he’s not ready. Maybe it will take more time to figure that out. But odds are the widower doesn’t know what he will or won’t do until he’s has to choose between a new love and his existing life.
So move forward cautiously with your eyes wide open and see what happens. If you choose to remain on the sidelines, you’ll never know if he’s ready.
Update: I’ve posted about a video response to this post here.
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Enjoy this Widower Wednesday post? Then you might also enjoy one of the books below.
Ghosts of Facebook Past, Part II
My last Widower Wednesday post about Facebook photos of the late wife generated a lot of discussion both in the comment section and the Dating a Widower Facebook group. There was enough conversation and debate that I decided to write a follow-up post.
As a quick reminder, a widower asked what he should do when his new girlfriend asked that he delete all past Facebook photos of the late wife. My advice was that as long as the photos weren’t stopping him back from moving forward, I didn’t see a problem with keeping them.
The two main criticisms of my suggestion were 1) Marathon Girl and I dated before social media so we never had to deal with this issue and 2) Facebook is such an immersive part of some people’s lives that it’s not fair for them to have random images of the widower and his late wife pop up at unexpected times.
I think the first critique is valid. Marathon Girl and I became a couple before social media became such a big part of everyone’s daily lives and as a result there are no pictures of the late wife on any of my social media accounts. So I asked Marathon Girl what she would want me to do if we were dating today and there were lots of photos of the late wife on my Facebook.
Marathon Girl didn’t have an immediate answer and needed time to mull it over. After some thought she said she’d be okay with me keeping the photos up so long as I met the following four conditions.
- I had previously announced my late wife’s death on Facebook.
- My relationship status was changed to In a Relationship with her as opposed to Widowed, Single, or Married to the late wife.
- I wasn’t spending time looking at or commenting on past photos, or sharing memories of the past on my timeline.
- I was being proactive in letting torchbearers know that tagging me in photos of the late wife or posting memorials and other things related to my past marriage were unacceptable now that I was in a serious relationship with someone else.
I find nothing unreasonable about those requirements and would suggest that those in a relationship with a widower use them as a starting point in creating their own social media boundaries.
As for the second criticism, part of using social media is doing so responsibly. If there are people, subjects, or other things on social media that make the experience miserable, take control of your account to the best of your abilities. Unfollow or unfriend those who can’t get over the past. Update your Facebook settings. Take control of your Facebook newsfeed. Spend less time in the virtual world and more time in the real one.
And, yes, even with your best efforts a random picture or some other reminder of the widower’s past is going to appear when you least expect it—online or off. But that’s part of life. Since you can’t control these events, what’s important is how you deal with these random moments when they happen. You can let it ruin your day or you can shrug it off and move forward. Focus on how the widower’s treating you. Do his actions show that he loves you? Is he working on strengthening your relationship and building a new life together? Is he respecting your boundaries? That, more than a random photo on your Facebook feed, will determine whether the relationship with your widower will last.
Widower Wednesday: Ghosts of Facebook Past
From the inbox comes the following:
Hi Abel,
I’m a recent widower and am in a new relationship. My girlfriend, who is divorced, has asked me to remove photos and posts on my Facebook timeline related to my late wife. I don’t mind taking down photos in my home but am having a harder time with the Facebook photos and posts because they’re snapshots in time. I want to move forward with this relationship but this seems to be a deal breaker for her. Is her request reasonable or am I being too sensitive?
Thanks,
Don’t Know What to Do
Hi Don’t Know What to Do,
I’ve posted about what widowers should do with photos in the home and how to update social media accounts once you’re in a serious relationship (see here, here, and here) but I’ve never heard or anyone asking a widower to delete past photos and posts from their profile.
Everyone has a past and thanks to social media, it’s something that anyone who is friends with you can access. I don’t know if you’re girlfriend’s been scrolling through past photos and feels that she can’t measure up to your late wire or if she did a similar purge after her divorce and feels that you should do the same. Maybe something else is going on. Whatever the reason, I see no reason to delete past photos and posts unless you’re constantly looking at them, commenting on them, re-posting memories, or find that they’re otherwise stopping you from moving forward with this relationship.
If you haven’t already, set aside some time to talk with your girlfriend about why she feels this way about the old photos and posts. Listen to what she has to say. This doesn’t mean you should remove the photos and posts but at least it will help you understand why she’s feels that way and whether it’s your social media behavior or something else that spurred her request.
In the end, if the past Facebook photos and posts are still a deal breaker you need to decide what’s more important: her or the posts. Personally, I don’t see a reason to remove them unless they’re pulling you back to the past instead of moving you forward. Her request borders on asking you to completely erase your past. Part of dating a widower is accepting the fact he was married and a small part of his heart will be for the late wife. If she can’t accept that fact or that your past lives somewhere on Facebook servers, then she shouldn’t be dating a widower.
Abel
Widower Wednesday: What Are Some Christmas Traditions that Honor the Late Wife and Respect the New Girlfriend?
From the inbox comes the following question:
A post came across my Facebook feed that suggested that when working through a loved ones' death, you start a new holiday tradition in their memory. My widowed boyfriend has asked for my help in thinking of a tradition that will honor his late wife and respect me at the same time. I was friends with his late wife, so I know some things she would have liked, but am not sure what kind of holiday traditions we could do.
We have been dating for about a year, something that neither of us ever thought would happen. He tells me that his love for her does not at all diminish his love for me. We have talked through concerns about building our relationship while honoring his late wife. Last year he wanted to hang only the ornaments that his mother made, on my Christmas tree. This year, he put up his own tree. Please help me think of a tradition that we could do together.
Thanks,
Sarah
Sarah,
As a rule of thumb, the two of you should only be involved in activities and traditions that bring the two of you closer together instead of pulling you apart. Coming up with a tradition or activity that will honor the late wife doesn't do that. It also doesn’t respect you. Activities or traditions that “honor” the late wife pull widowers back into the past and drive a small wedge between him and whomever he’s dating at the time.
The best way a widower can honor his wife is to move forward with his life and be happy. That doesn't mean he forgets about her or the life they shared together but it means he rebuilds his life in such a way that he’s not burdened by sadness or regret. It means he can wake up in the morning and spend each day living in the present and look forward to the future instead of being held back by the past.
If you and your widower want to strengthen your relationship this holiday season, start some new traditions that honor the life the two of you have together. It could be as simple as some new ornaments for a Christmas tree or taking a trip to see some Christmas lights. Maybe it’s a special gift that means something just to the two of you or taking an annual holiday trip together. Whatever it is, make it unique and meaningful to your relationship. Spend some time together and talk about it and see what the two of you can come up with. That way this time next year you’ll both have something to look forward to and be able to look back at this Christmas with smiles and warm hearts.
Abel
Widower Wednesday: My Widowed Father is Rushing into a New Relationship
The following comment was posted last week on a past Widower Wednesday column. My response follows the comment. (Note: For readability, I've broken the comment below into paragraphs.)
So I would like to get some input on this matter. I am the adult child of a recent widower. My mother and father were married 45 years, the last couple of which were rocky due to some mental and health issues of my Mom. Having said that I can assure you that my parents loved each other until the day my mother died. My mother died completely unexpectedly after a successful surgery 11 months ago.
My father's now girlfriend was a friend of the family before my mom's death and she began pursuing my father 1 month after my mother died. Within 2 months after my mom died they were dating and a serious item and by 10 months after they sat the adult children down and told us they planned on being married 2 weeks after the 12 month anniversary of our mother's death. Needless to say this rush to nuptials did not go over well with me. I love my father and don't want him to be unhappy or lonely but there is no chance that my father (nor anyone else that loved my mother) has had time even adjust to her passing let alone be prepared to have some one absorb her space so quickly.
Thankfully they have moved the wedding date back a couple of months but my father has broken every foundation of grief counseling. Within months he has emptied the house of most of my mother's belongs (clothes, decorations, furniture, possessions) by either giving to myself, my brother or family or donating. He has redecorated, resurface, pack up or passed on most of the fingerprint my mother left on their home and has jumped into a new relationship with 2 months of my mother passing.
To be fair, I can honestly say I really like my Dad's new girlfriend and can see that she makes him happy. I would never want to ruin that for him. I do have difficulty with the fact that they have no boundaries when it comes to my parents house. They don't have any concept of how inappropriate if feels to have this new woman absorbing my mothers space in her house. I have gotten to the point that I don't even feel comfortable in my parents home anymore. Yesterday while I was at my parents house visiting family his girlfriend was actually tending and rearranging my mother's flower beds!!! She doesn't even live at the house yet. My father keeps referring the house as "his house" to make the point to me that she is gone but just because she died does not erase her life. I am well educated enough to know how unhealthy my father's approach to his grief is.
Rather than deal with the sorrow and loneliness of the loss of his 45 year relationship (no matter how trying the last few years were) he has chosen to remove physical reminders of my mother and jump into this new relationship, become consumed with all these new loving feelings rather than deal with the loss of the old. I get that this is how he has chosen the deal with his grief by trying to barrel past it at mock speed. What he doesn't take into consideration is that he is forcing all the rest of us to keep up his break neck pace by forcing this new relationship on us. I don't want him to stop dating this great lady I just want some respect and appropriateness (within a reasonable time frame) where it comes to my mothers last standing footprint on the earth......her home.
--Can't believe we have arrived here already
Can't Believe We Have Arrived Here Already,
Losing a parent is hard thing for anyone to go through and seeing your father move on so quickly must feel like losing your mother all over again. But just because he's opened his heart to someone else so soon after her death doesn't mean he no longer loves your mother or that he's not ready to start a new life.
It seems like your biggest complaint is that their home no longer feels like their home. Since your mother passed, it's no longer their home but his home. He can do with it as he wishes. You say you don’t feel comfortable in your parent’s home anymore. Think about how you’d feel if you were or engaged to a widower only to have to live in a house that reflected the tastes of the late wife. Would you feel comfortable living there?
I'm curious as to what grief counseling rules you believe your father is breaking. I remarried 15 months after my late wife passed and have been married to Marathon Girl for 14 years. When I got serious with Marathon Girl, most of my late wife's things were either packed up or given away to those who wanted them. Though the length of time it takes someone to move on from the death of a spouse varies from person to person, those who do have successful remarriage almost always put physical reminders from their first marriage away in order to make room in their life and their heart for their new spouse. I see nothing wrong with your father’s actions. It seems like the healthy way to start a new chapter in his life.
I sincerely hope your father is ready to move on and that he's not rushing into a relationship he’s not emotionally ready for. There are too many women who date widowers and end up with nothing but a broken heart. But this is his life and home—not yours. I’m glad that you like the new woman. Be happy that your father has refused to dwell in sadness and misery for there is too much of that in this world. Your mother lives on in you and your brother. She also lives on in your father and the sweet influence she was in his life for 45 years. Just because the house she lived in doesn’t look like her house doesn’t mean she’s been erased from your father’s life. There will always be a special place in his heart for her.
Hope this helps,
Abel
Podcast: Dating Advice for Widowers and the Women who Date Them
One of the big concerns I hear from women in relationships with widowers is that they love my books and find them helpful but their widowers aren’t readers or don’t have the time to pick up a book. If that’s the case, maybe they’ll listen to a recent podcast I participated in titled “Dating Advice for Widowers and the Women who Date Them.”
What I enjoyed most about the interview is that the interview focused on discussing the needs of widowers, how widowers can know whether or not they’re ready for serious relationship, and how they can know if they’re really in love with the person they’re dating. Listen to the podcast here then, if you like it, recommend it to the widower in your life.
Enjoy!
The happy couple: Sherman and Shanta.
Widower Wednesday: Shanta’s Story
Every relationship has its own struggles, and being in a relationship with a widower presents its own set of challenges. My fiancé Sherman lost his wife after 15 years of marriage. She died at the young age of 41 to cancer and it was the most difficult thing he had ever been through. When I met him, I really didn’t understand how to act or what to say in the beginning of our relationship as I had not spent much time around widowers or for that matter ever dated a widower, but I was willing to try.
How We Met
I met Sherman in December of 2014 when I received a Facebook friend request on December 14, 2014. I was at my church Christmas banquet. I accepted his friend request because I knew him, but didn’t know him. I then received a message from him that read --- “Good evening Ms. Bender. I hope all is well with you this evening. I would love to have a conversation with you when the time permits. I hope you are as eager to speak to me as I am to you. If not I guess I will just have to wait patiently.”
I responded. When Sherman sent me the message, I knew he was a widower, so I thought he needed the CD with all the photographs from the family session, but that was not the case. When Sherman called me that night after I sent him my phone number, I remember him asking was I single. I told him yes and afterwards, I remember asking him if he remembered me and he then asked did I know him. I told him I didn’t know him, but I told him I was his family photographer in September of 2013. But he didn’t remember me immediately. With that being said, I initially met Sherman and his family in September of 2013. I remember first meeting up with the late wife, children, and maternal grandmother on that day [Sherman showed up close to sunset time] at the Railroad Park in Birmingham, Alabama for their family portraits and they were one of the sweetest most awesome families I’ve ever had the pleasure to photograph!
On December 17, 2014, Sherman and I met at BRIO Tuscan Grille and things went from there. On July 10, 2015, Sherman proposed and I said YES! I never would have thought in a million years that I would be with a widower and surely he never imagined his life would pan out like this; but we are proof that you simply cannot plan life, or choose who you fall in love with, or when. We are now engaged and are getting married in 2016 and we are very excited about our future together.
Tips and Advice for Dating a Widower
Accept their past, be patient with extended family and be aware that extended family members may struggle to accept you. Also, communicate about your feelings! Put God at the center of your relationship, pray about your feelings– being honest with God and your mate about how you feel. Your relationship can both thrive! A relationship with a widower is really just a relationship with an ordinary man!