Dating After the Loss of Your Spouse

From Giddy:

On his first date with another woman after losing his wife to suicide, Abel Keogh was overcome with guilt and betrayal.

"I felt like I was cheating on my late wife," he wrote on his website.

It took about five dates for Keogh, an author and a relationship coach in Utah, to shake the guilt and enjoy another woman's company. Within a few months, he met his now-wife, Juliana.

Although every widow or widower's journey is unique, Keogh's experience isn't altogether unusual. Dating is often a whirlwind for everyone, but it's distinctly complex for surviving spouses.

***

According to Keogh, fully opening your heart to new love is a challenging, multifaceted process. Along with inner work and intimate communication, forging a new relationship may require significant changes.

"There's a price to pay when it comes to starting a new relationship, and many widows and widowers aren't willing to pay it," he said. "The new love isn't going to plop down and take the place of the late spouse. You need to create a new life with them. A successful, long-term relationship may require redefining relationships with family and friends, taking down photos of the late spouse, selling or redecorating your home, and doing other things that show your new love that they are number one."

Read the entire article at Giddy.

Widower Wednesday: How Can You Know if a Widower is Ready to Date Again?

Most questions that hit my inbox come from women who are currently dating or married to a widower. The other day, however, I got a question from someone who hasn’t dated a widower but wants to go out with one.

In the email she told me about her neighbor whose wife passed away last year. She’s had casual conversations with him both before and after his wife died in the neighborhood and at the church they both attend. She never thought about him in a romantic way but now finds herself attracted to him and wants to get to know him better.

The problem is that she’s noticed a bunch of red flags that made her think the widower wasn’t ready for another relationship and she’s hesitant to open her heart to him if things aren’t going to work out. After listing off red flags (still wearing a wedding ring, still posts on late wife’s Facebook page, etc.) she asked me how one can know if a widower is ready to date or have a serious relationship again.

I thought she asked a good question and it was worth a Widower Wednesday post.

Let’s say you met a widower and felt a connection to him but knew about or noticed the following issues:

·         He has photos of the late wife in every room of the house

·         He wears a wedding ring on his chain around his neck

·         He recently bought and renovated the house that his late wife wanted to buy right before she died

Would you think that widower was ready to start a new relationship?

Most readers of this blog would probably say that he’s not ready. After all, how could someone someone who was still wearing wedding his ring or have photos of the late wife everywhere be ready to start a new chapter in his life?

Well, those three red flags are the same red flags Marathon Girl noticed when we started dating.

Was I ready to move on? At the time I thought I was. I had been dating a couple months at that point and had a semi-serious long distance relationship going on. (Read Room for Two if you want all the salacious details.) But looking back it was obvious that there was a lot of work I had to do before I could truly open my heart to Marathon Girl.

So what got me to take the photos down, take off the wedding ring, and sell the house and marry Marathon Girl?

Well, it was my love for Marathon Girl, of course, but until I fell in love with her (officially happened on the second date, BTW) I didn’t have to make a choice between moving forward with someone else and muddling through life as a widower. My love for Marathon Girl forced me to decide what was more important: pictures on the wall of my late wife or her feeling comfortable in my house? Keeping a ring on a chain around my neck or her feelings or wanting to be number one in my heart? A home that had a lot of sentimental value for me or a home where we could start fresh and raise a family together?

Marathon Girl won every single time.

The point of the story is not to let outward red flags dissuade you from getting to know a widower better. Just because he’s wearing a wedding ring or walls covered in photos of the late wife doesn’t mean he won’t remove the ring or take down the photos for you. Odds are he’s still wearing the ring because he hasn’t had to make that choice or found someone worth taking off his wedding band for.

The only way you’re going to know if a widower is really ready to move forward is for the two of you to get to know each other better. Maybe you’ll know on the first date that he’s not ready. Maybe it will take more time to figure that out. But odds are the widower doesn’t know what he will or won’t do until he’s has to choose between a new love and his existing life.

So move forward cautiously with your eyes wide open and see what happens. If you choose to remain on the sidelines, you’ll never know if he’s ready.

Update: I’ve posted about a video response to this post here.

***

Enjoy this Widower Wednesday post? Then you might also enjoy one of the books below.

Room for Two: A Memoir

By Abel Keogh

The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers

By Abel Keogh

Dating a Widower: Starting a Relationship with a Man Who's Starting Over

By Abel Keogh

Widow’s Friends Disown Her for Having New Relationship

In my latest post on the OpentoHope site, I answer the following question from Anne: I lost my dad and husband within a week of each other three years ago, and life has been a battle. My dearest friends (a couple that my husband and I used to do everything with) won't accept the fact I am seeing another man and have been for nearly two years. The husband told me the other day never to come back and see them. I have given them space and continue to love and support them, Please help. I am just so sad about it. I have tried talking to them but they won't. I am also their daughter's godmother and she is heart-broken her parents are doing this. Help me.

You can read my answer here.

Widow’s Friends Don't Want Her to Date Again

My latest post on the OpenToHope site is up. I answer the following question. Ann from Michigan writes: My husband of 23 years and my dad died within a week of each other. It was awful. We had a large circle of close friends who were great to me, but when I met another man, they were not happy and were always looking for faults with him and trying to tell me not to be with him. They don’t understand that I am just trying to move forward with life. I will always love my husband, but I know I must move on. I can’t go back to the way it was before March 2006. Some people have even broken off their friendship with me. Why can’t they understand and support me?

You can read my answer here.