A viewer asks: My widower puts up the late wife's decorations during the holidays. This saps the holiday spirit and makes his home a place I don't want to be. Is there anything I can do to get him to put up something new?
Widower Wednesday: The Widower Doesn't Want to Spend the Holidays with Me
Posting a couple special holiday edition videos of Widower Wednesday. In the video below, I answer the following question: The widower I'm dating refuses to spend the holidays with me and would rather spend the time with his family or the late wife's family. What can I do to make him want to spend the holidays with me?
The 2 Biggest Mistakes Women Make when Dating a Widower (Part 2)
In the second of a 2 part series, I talk about the second big mistake women make when dating a widower. I'll discusses this mistake and what you can do to overcome it and see if the widower is serious about you. Enjoy!
Widower Wednesday: Guest Video About Setting Boundaries
Last week I posted a video about setting boundaries with widowers. That video inspired one woman who watched it to set boundaries with the widower she was dating and what happened after she did it. She sent me a video about her experience and said I could share it with my readers. She has some great wisdom and experience to share. Enjoy!
Widower Wednesday: The 2 Biggest Mistakes Women Make when Dating a Widower (Part 1)
Thanks for the feedback on the first Widower Wednesday video I made. It was good enough that I decided to make some more videos. In today's video edition of Widower Wednesday, I discuss the 2 big mistakes women make when dating a widower and what you can do to overcome it. Enjoy!
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If you like this video, then you'll probably enjoy one of the books below.
Widower Wednesday: A Video Response
Based on some comments on the blog and the Dating a Widower Facebook group, I decided to make a video to clarify my Widower Wednesday column from yesterday.
I've never made a video like this before so I'd appreciate any feedback on the format and whether I should do more videos like this in the future. If it's a good way to get the point across, maybe I'd do more Widower Wednesday videos in the future. Watch the video below and let me know what you think in the comments below or via email.
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If you liked this video, you might like one of the books below.
Widower Wednesday: How Can You Know if a Widower is Ready to Date Again?
Most questions that hit my inbox come from women who are currently dating or married to a widower. The other day, however, I got a question from someone who hasn’t dated a widower but wants to go out with one.
In the email she told me about her neighbor whose wife passed away last year. She’s had casual conversations with him both before and after his wife died in the neighborhood and at the church they both attend. She never thought about him in a romantic way but now finds herself attracted to him and wants to get to know him better.
The problem is that she’s noticed a bunch of red flags that made her think the widower wasn’t ready for another relationship and she’s hesitant to open her heart to him if things aren’t going to work out. After listing off red flags (still wearing a wedding ring, still posts on late wife’s Facebook page, etc.) she asked me how one can know if a widower is ready to date or have a serious relationship again.
I thought she asked a good question and it was worth a Widower Wednesday post.
Let’s say you met a widower and felt a connection to him but knew about or noticed the following issues:
· He has photos of the late wife in every room of the house
· He wears a wedding ring on his chain around his neck
· He recently bought and renovated the house that his late wife wanted to buy right before she died
Would you think that widower was ready to start a new relationship?
Most readers of this blog would probably say that he’s not ready. After all, how could someone someone who was still wearing wedding his ring or have photos of the late wife everywhere be ready to start a new chapter in his life?
Well, those three red flags are the same red flags Marathon Girl noticed when we started dating.
Was I ready to move on? At the time I thought I was. I had been dating a couple months at that point and had a semi-serious long distance relationship going on. (Read Room for Two if you want all the salacious details.) But looking back it was obvious that there was a lot of work I had to do before I could truly open my heart to Marathon Girl.
So what got me to take the photos down, take off the wedding ring, and sell the house and marry Marathon Girl?
Well, it was my love for Marathon Girl, of course, but until I fell in love with her (officially happened on the second date, BTW) I didn’t have to make a choice between moving forward with someone else and muddling through life as a widower. My love for Marathon Girl forced me to decide what was more important: pictures on the wall of my late wife or her feeling comfortable in my house? Keeping a ring on a chain around my neck or her feelings or wanting to be number one in my heart? A home that had a lot of sentimental value for me or a home where we could start fresh and raise a family together?
Marathon Girl won every single time.
The point of the story is not to let outward red flags dissuade you from getting to know a widower better. Just because he’s wearing a wedding ring or walls covered in photos of the late wife doesn’t mean he won’t remove the ring or take down the photos for you. Odds are he’s still wearing the ring because he hasn’t had to make that choice or found someone worth taking off his wedding band for.
The only way you’re going to know if a widower is really ready to move forward is for the two of you to get to know each other better. Maybe you’ll know on the first date that he’s not ready. Maybe it will take more time to figure that out. But odds are the widower doesn’t know what he will or won’t do until he’s has to choose between a new love and his existing life.
So move forward cautiously with your eyes wide open and see what happens. If you choose to remain on the sidelines, you’ll never know if he’s ready.
Update: I’ve posted about a video response to this post here.
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Enjoy this Widower Wednesday post? Then you might also enjoy one of the books below.
Ghosts of Facebook Past, Part II
My last Widower Wednesday post about Facebook photos of the late wife generated a lot of discussion both in the comment section and the Dating a Widower Facebook group. There was enough conversation and debate that I decided to write a follow-up post.
As a quick reminder, a widower asked what he should do when his new girlfriend asked that he delete all past Facebook photos of the late wife. My advice was that as long as the photos weren’t stopping him back from moving forward, I didn’t see a problem with keeping them.
The two main criticisms of my suggestion were 1) Marathon Girl and I dated before social media so we never had to deal with this issue and 2) Facebook is such an immersive part of some people’s lives that it’s not fair for them to have random images of the widower and his late wife pop up at unexpected times.
I think the first critique is valid. Marathon Girl and I became a couple before social media became such a big part of everyone’s daily lives and as a result there are no pictures of the late wife on any of my social media accounts. So I asked Marathon Girl what she would want me to do if we were dating today and there were lots of photos of the late wife on my Facebook.
Marathon Girl didn’t have an immediate answer and needed time to mull it over. After some thought she said she’d be okay with me keeping the photos up so long as I met the following four conditions.
- I had previously announced my late wife’s death on Facebook.
- My relationship status was changed to In a Relationship with her as opposed to Widowed, Single, or Married to the late wife.
- I wasn’t spending time looking at or commenting on past photos, or sharing memories of the past on my timeline.
- I was being proactive in letting torchbearers know that tagging me in photos of the late wife or posting memorials and other things related to my past marriage were unacceptable now that I was in a serious relationship with someone else.
I find nothing unreasonable about those requirements and would suggest that those in a relationship with a widower use them as a starting point in creating their own social media boundaries.
As for the second criticism, part of using social media is doing so responsibly. If there are people, subjects, or other things on social media that make the experience miserable, take control of your account to the best of your abilities. Unfollow or unfriend those who can’t get over the past. Update your Facebook settings. Take control of your Facebook newsfeed. Spend less time in the virtual world and more time in the real one.
And, yes, even with your best efforts a random picture or some other reminder of the widower’s past is going to appear when you least expect it—online or off. But that’s part of life. Since you can’t control these events, what’s important is how you deal with these random moments when they happen. You can let it ruin your day or you can shrug it off and move forward. Focus on how the widower’s treating you. Do his actions show that he loves you? Is he working on strengthening your relationship and building a new life together? Is he respecting your boundaries? That, more than a random photo on your Facebook feed, will determine whether the relationship with your widower will last.
Widower Wednesday: Ghosts of Facebook Past
From the inbox comes the following:
Hi Abel,
I’m a recent widower and am in a new relationship. My girlfriend, who is divorced, has asked me to remove photos and posts on my Facebook timeline related to my late wife. I don’t mind taking down photos in my home but am having a harder time with the Facebook photos and posts because they’re snapshots in time. I want to move forward with this relationship but this seems to be a deal breaker for her. Is her request reasonable or am I being too sensitive?
Thanks,
Don’t Know What to Do
Hi Don’t Know What to Do,
I’ve posted about what widowers should do with photos in the home and how to update social media accounts once you’re in a serious relationship (see here, here, and here) but I’ve never heard or anyone asking a widower to delete past photos and posts from their profile.
Everyone has a past and thanks to social media, it’s something that anyone who is friends with you can access. I don’t know if you’re girlfriend’s been scrolling through past photos and feels that she can’t measure up to your late wire or if she did a similar purge after her divorce and feels that you should do the same. Maybe something else is going on. Whatever the reason, I see no reason to delete past photos and posts unless you’re constantly looking at them, commenting on them, re-posting memories, or find that they’re otherwise stopping you from moving forward with this relationship.
If you haven’t already, set aside some time to talk with your girlfriend about why she feels this way about the old photos and posts. Listen to what she has to say. This doesn’t mean you should remove the photos and posts but at least it will help you understand why she’s feels that way and whether it’s your social media behavior or something else that spurred her request.
In the end, if the past Facebook photos and posts are still a deal breaker you need to decide what’s more important: her or the posts. Personally, I don’t see a reason to remove them unless they’re pulling you back to the past instead of moving you forward. Her request borders on asking you to completely erase your past. Part of dating a widower is accepting the fact he was married and a small part of his heart will be for the late wife. If she can’t accept that fact or that your past lives somewhere on Facebook servers, then she shouldn’t be dating a widower.
Abel
Widower Wednesday: What Are Some Christmas Traditions that Honor the Late Wife and Respect the New Girlfriend?
From the inbox comes the following question:
A post came across my Facebook feed that suggested that when working through a loved ones' death, you start a new holiday tradition in their memory. My widowed boyfriend has asked for my help in thinking of a tradition that will honor his late wife and respect me at the same time. I was friends with his late wife, so I know some things she would have liked, but am not sure what kind of holiday traditions we could do.
We have been dating for about a year, something that neither of us ever thought would happen. He tells me that his love for her does not at all diminish his love for me. We have talked through concerns about building our relationship while honoring his late wife. Last year he wanted to hang only the ornaments that his mother made, on my Christmas tree. This year, he put up his own tree. Please help me think of a tradition that we could do together.
Thanks,
Sarah
Sarah,
As a rule of thumb, the two of you should only be involved in activities and traditions that bring the two of you closer together instead of pulling you apart. Coming up with a tradition or activity that will honor the late wife doesn't do that. It also doesn’t respect you. Activities or traditions that “honor” the late wife pull widowers back into the past and drive a small wedge between him and whomever he’s dating at the time.
The best way a widower can honor his wife is to move forward with his life and be happy. That doesn't mean he forgets about her or the life they shared together but it means he rebuilds his life in such a way that he’s not burdened by sadness or regret. It means he can wake up in the morning and spend each day living in the present and look forward to the future instead of being held back by the past.
If you and your widower want to strengthen your relationship this holiday season, start some new traditions that honor the life the two of you have together. It could be as simple as some new ornaments for a Christmas tree or taking a trip to see some Christmas lights. Maybe it’s a special gift that means something just to the two of you or taking an annual holiday trip together. Whatever it is, make it unique and meaningful to your relationship. Spend some time together and talk about it and see what the two of you can come up with. That way this time next year you’ll both have something to look forward to and be able to look back at this Christmas with smiles and warm hearts.
Abel