I Found Love Letters from the Late to My Widower. What Should I Do?

A viewer wants to know what she should do when she finds a stack of love letters from the late wife to the widower she’s dating. Give them to him? Throw them away? Something else? This video has your answer.

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we're answering a question from a reader who asks what to do when you find love letters from the late wife to the widower.

So I'm going to read this email, and again, I share this with the person's permission.

It says, abel, I've been dating a widower for three and a half years, engaged for a little over a year.

I stay at his house, but won't move in or get married until I know I can be comfortable there.

He's recently expressed wanting me to move in and set a wedding date, and he's been doing wonderful lately with getting rid of all the excess stuff and decorations in the house, despite pushback from his adult daughter.

So we can combine two households without being overwhelmed with too much crap.

So, so far, so good.

Good for him.

The letter continues.

I've been going through cupboards and drawers getting rid of stuff that that is old and that we don't need or won't use.

The other day I was cleaning out the phone book drawer and underneath all the books and tables I found my notebook.

Or I found a notebook with many personal, detailed love letters that she had written to him each day while he was away on a long hunting trip.

My question is, is when we find stuff like that, should I just throw it away or should I give it to him?

I feel that if he reads all that, it'll just send him back to missing her, but at the same time, I don't feel right throwing it out and I don't want to give it to his daughter because she's having a hard enough time with everything and is keeping most of the stuff we are getting rid of because she can't part with it.

I'm not sure what to do in good conscious and I wonder what others in this situation have done when they find things like that when we are going through Christmas stuff.

I did find a box of their personal ornaments from when they got married and such, and he threw them all away to my surprise.

Thank you for your consideration.

I value your input on this question.

So a great question.

And again, it's something I think most people who at least are serious about living with a widower when they're going through stuff you're always going to.

And this is why, again, I caution about going through a widower's house without him there or having you doing it by yourself because you're bound to find things like this.

I can't think of a time where someone hasn't gone through the house and found something that was kind of private or intimate or something that was very personal anyway to their relationship.

Not always fun to find.

So I guess, first of all, I hope that the widower is okay with you going through and cleaning things up.

You said he was.

But again, generally my advice is to let the widower go through and do it.

Or if you want to stand there holding a trash bag, letting him do it, because again, there may be things he wants to keep, maybe things he's not happy throwing away or that he doesn't want to get rid of.

And the last thing you really want in a relationship is to find out that you've disposed of something or thrown something away that was very meaningful to him or his kids or something like that.

So proceed with caution.

That's kind of my first piece of advice here.

But to your question, what do you do when you find something like love letters?

What do you do with that?

Do you throw it away?

Do you give it to the widower?

And you have to give it to the widower.

You can't throw it away.

You do not dispose of it.

There's a reason that you said in good conscious you don't feel good about throwing it away.

Well, there's a reason you don't feel good about it.

It's because you shouldn't do it.

So you got to trust your gut there.

But it's wrong to actually just throw something like, especially something that personal away.

Now, I know that the concern is, will I give these to the widower?

Is that going to set him back?

Is that going to cause a cry fest or whatever it is? You got to understand that you can't control how the widower is going to react to these letters, but it is a good opportunity to see where he's at in the grieving process and moving on.

And I would say it's okay.

Like, you give him these letters, maybe he has an emotional reaction to them, maybe something that personal, you would have an emotional reaction to that kind of stuff.

But the question isn't whether he has what kind of emotional reaction he has.

The question is it just a temporary emotional reaction or is it something that sends him into a tailspin?

Because, again, something that personal might bring up a lot of memories.

Maybe it causes them just to, maybe he wants to go read them, or maybe it causes a tear or two.

This isn't personal.

You have found something and given him something quite personal as it relates to his late wife.

But in my opinion, it's not his necessarily initial reaction that's important.

It is.

How fast can he rebound from that?

Now, if giving him those letters sends him into a tailspin and he's moody for days and days after or something, or sad for days after, that's kind of a red flag that maybe he's not ready, emotionally ready to move on.

But if he can rebound from it quick and maybe in a matter of minutes or hours or at least less than a day, that he's back to his normal self, don't worry about it.

It just is what it is.

So as long as he can pull himself out of it quickly and things get back to normal, that's a good sign that he's dealing with his grief well and moving forward and ready to open his heart, that's when he goes into that kind of tailspin.

If something like that causes him to go into a tailspin, that's more of a red flag.

So another concern might be, well, what is he going to do with these letters?

Is he going to keep them?

Is he going to give them away?

And if he chooses to, in this case, give them to his daughter, is he going to throw them away?

Again, it's up to the widower if he wants to keep these love letters.

I personally don't have a problem with it.

As I say in my book, dating a widower, he's fine.

If he wants to have a couple of boxes of stuff that it's out in the garage or an attic or the basement or somewhere, somewhere that's stored out of sight, out of mind.

If he wants to add those to the box that he has, I personally don't have a problem with it.

If he wants to give them to his daughter, I don't have a problem with it.

If he wants to throw them away and dispose of them, I don't have a problem with that either.

But what I don't want him to do is put them somewhere, like in a drawer where he's just going to access them all the time or read through them and keep going there.

That's not a healthy or in my way.

If he's in a serious relationship, that's not a healthy way to deal with them.

But if he wants to put him, again, put him in a box in the closet or something like that, where he's kind of had these things, that's fine.

Again, wants to give them to the daughter, don't have a problem with that.

But again, it's what is his reaction to what does he want to do with the letters?

As long as he's not like putting them on the coffee table or maybe on his desk where he can read them all the time, that to me would be a red flag.

But if he wants to again put them in a box, give them to his daughter, even throw them away, it's up to him.

Again, I think you can learn a lot by watching what he does with the letters as opposed and his reaction to them.

But again, it's not your place to dispose of these letters.

You need to give them to the widower because I guarantee if you dispose of them and he finds out you disposed of them, that is going to come back and bite you in the butt extremely hard.

And really, that's the last thing you want.

Again, relationships are built on trust and I hope that if he's trusting you enough to go through his house and clean things up, he's trusting you enough that if you find something that's personal and that's important to him, that you would give it to him and let him decide what to do with it. Thoughts?

Comments?

Go ahead and leave them below.

Feel free to subscribe to this channel and like this video as well.

And if you have like a personal issue like this that you want to discuss, I have coaching sessions.

There's a link down in the description where you can schedule a coaching session with me. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

I’m the Mistress of a Widower. Will This Relationship Work Long Term?

A viewer asks: Do you know of any cases where there is a healthy happy widower-mistress long term solution? Meaning he keeps his home and family life separate while supplying the woman with various kinds of help. What type of financial planning and agreement would make this compartmentalized love into something emotionally stable and provide security for her?

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I am going to answer a question from a mistress of a widower.

This is a great question.

It has not been asked me before, and I do share this question with permission.

And it goes like this.

It says, abel, do you know of any cases where there is a healthy, happy widower mistress long term solution, meaning he keeps his home and his family life separate while supplying the woman with various kinds of help?

What type of financial planning agreement would make this compartmentalized love into something emotionally stable and provide security for?

Again, great question.

And this is the first time I've been asked this question.

So again, I appreciate you letting me share it with the audience.

So my answer is, and I'm going to be blunt about this, is in all the years I've been doing this, I cannot name one successful widower mistress relationship that has worked out long term.

There's a reason that he's keeping you separate from his family and his life.

There's a reason for it.

And what I see happen over and over again is that the moment you become a liability or the moment you become inconvenient to him, he is just going to dump you.

So instead of asking yourself, how does this work out long term?

Or what kind of financial agreement we should come to, I strongly suggest asking yourself why you're settling for this kind of relationship in the first place.

I always say that women in a relationship should be treated like a queen.

And really what you're doing here is you're settling not only for second place, like a lot of people do when they're dating.

A widower is you're like a dirty little secret.

He's hiding you from everybody.

It's not that you're even number two.

He doesn't want people to even know about you.

Really.

In reality, if a man truly loves a woman, he's not going to hide her and keep her as some kind of side piece or something like that.

He will want to show her off.

He will want everybody to know about her, and he will want to integrate her into his life.

And ultimately, what you're doing here is you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

And I guarantee at some point in the future, you're going to be unceremoniously dumped.

So instead of wondering about long term financial planning again, reevaluate the relationship and ask yourself why you're settling for this kind of relationship in the first place because I guarantee it will not work out long term.

You're better off with someone that will love you and treat you like a queen.

If you have your own thoughts on this, you can leave a comment below like this video and subscribe.

And if you find yourself in this situation, or just a situation in general and you want to talk to me, you can schedule a coaching session.

There's a link down in the description below.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

You Can't Force Relationships

Widow(er)s can't force their kids to accept the relationship with their wife or girlfriend. They also can't force the late wife's family or friends to accept it either. So what's the best way to proceed in the face of opposition? This video has your answer.

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower.

And today we're going to discuss why you can't force relationships.

This is something I've seen a lot recently in coaching sessions and in emails to me.

So I thought I would give some examples here and talk about why you can't force relationships.

So, for example, a widower gets into a serious relationship.

He either remarries or he's with a girlfriend, and they're getting serious.

They're talking about whatever, moving in together, things like that.

And the widower has children, and the widower has this idea that, hey, I'm going to get married.

We're going to have a big, happy family.

And he's in Mickey and visions, holidays, family vacations, things like that, together with him and his kids and his new wife or his girlfriend, or maybe even if she has kids, those kids, he kind of envisions, and she envisions this, too, kind of these big, happy reunions.

Or it could be that the widower, again, he gets into this relationship and he wants the late wife's family, maybe friends of he and the late wife, things like that, to kind of, he envisions, again, whatever, going on trips, having parties together, everybody kind of accepting the relationship.

And by the way, I want to state that there's nothing wrong with having these happy, you know, we get into a relationship, we're excited about it, we're happy about it, and we want people to accept.

Know, I think when I was in my relationship with Julie, for example, I was very proud that we were in a relationship.

I couldn't wait to take her to family events and things like that.

So nothing wrong with wanting that, by the way.

So if you're a widower or a wife or girlfriend of a widower, and you both kind of have this desire to kind of have a big, happy, blended family, to be at events and things where everybody is happy for you, nothing wrong with that.

The problem is that reality isn't what we always want it to be.

The issue is just because a widower is ready to open his heart and start a new life, that doesn't mean his kids are ready for that.

It doesn't mean that the late wife's family is ready for that.

It doesn't mean that his friends are ready for that.

Right.

We're all different people, and people have their own grief journeys, and people have their own things, and they need to work through that, and often they're not on the same page as the widower.

So, for know, when I was first dating, this was not Julie.

But when I was very first dating, I got serious with someone, took her to a family event, and it was like the absolutely awful, worst experience.

This is only maybe six months after my late wife died, and people were polite and stuff, but I could just tell bringing this woman to this event was probably the biggest mistake I had made.

Again, they were polite, but I could just sense the attention in there.

And then, like, later, when I was dating again, you know, very happy that I was dating Julie, very proud of the relationship, wanted to show her off.

I think the first couple of family events that we went to were also very awkward.

So you just got to understand that you can't force relationships.

And I think the mistake I see people make over and over again is that they have this big, happy thing of what they want, and then the kids don't cooperate, the late wife's family doesn't cooperate.

Friends don't cooperate, especially in the case of kids.

It's often that maybe they're rebellious or they just ignore the new girlfriend or the new wife.

Maybe they say mean things to her, things like that.

And this idea of having this big, happy relationship and having these events and parties and family events and holidays and vacations together never materializes.

And there's lots of tension there.

So you just got to understand that you can't force relationships, right?

Just because you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and you're happy again, you can't force that idea on other people.

They have to kind of go through their own grief journey.

What you can do is you can invite them to be part of the relationship.

I don't think you exclude them.

You can try to include them where appropriate.

You can set healthy boundaries where appropriate.

So, like, for example, if you have children that are saying mean things or doing nasty things to your wife, girlfriend, then I think you can obviously intervene, and I think you can set healthy boundaries.

But you've just got to understand that you can't force anybody to accept this relationship.

You can't force anybody to go along with these visions that you have.

Now, that doesn't mean that at some point you can't get there, that you can't have a happy family, but it does mean that you just can't force it.

And a lot of times, you just got to be patient for it to work.

So, for example, I know a lot of you are thinking, well, what can I do.

How do I kind of wait this thing out?

Or what are some things I can do to maybe encourage them to move forward in their grief?

And honestly, the best thing you can do is include them where appropriate.

So, for example, if it's the holidays or there's a family vacation going on, you can obviously invite people and want to include them.

Say, hey, we're having this whatever.

We're having this Christmas party, we're having this barbecue.

We would like you to come and be part of it.

So you can invite and persuade, but you cannot force.

And I think that's the problem I see, is that they say, well, you need to come to this, and we're all going to sit around the table and be happy.

It doesn't work that way.

Again, you can invite and persuade, but you can't force people to actually accept it.

But you can let others see that you're happy, that you are proud of the relationship, that you're happy with this new person, and you can hope that they take part.

Again, you can invite them, but again, you can't force them to take part of this.

Really what you have to do is you have to let other people work through their grief and come to accept the relationship on their own terms.

Now with children, I think this is the biggest thing, is that it can take years for them to accept the relationship.

But usually what I see, and this is maybe 70, 75% of the time, what I see is that if they invite and persuade and give children their space, at some point in the future, the kids come around and typically, I'm talking about teens or adults here, younger children typically aren't an issue.

But like with these teens or adult children, if you give them time to kind of work through things, you don't force anything on them.

Typically what happens is they eventually come around most of the time, even if they don't embrace the relationship, they kind of accept the new reality and they're willing to take part, like in family events and things like that.

But again, it's not something that you can force.

It's a little bit different, I will say, with the late wife's family and maybe friends that the widower and his late wife had, oftentimes you have to redefine those relationships.

Again, I think they tend to be a little more understanding, but I think from what the widower has to understand is that the dynamic that was there with the late wife and now that she's gone, sometimes, often those relationships have to be redefined.

So, for example, it's not that you can't have a relationship with the late wife's family, but if you're starting this new life with someone else, you've got to kind of redefine that relationship with her family because you've got to make the new woman in your life number one.

It's the same with friends and family, friends that you may have had with the late wife.

Again, nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with spending time with them.

But you might have to kind of redefine that relationship because the dynamic with the late wife is different.

So, like, for example, in my case, again, Krista and I had lots of friends that we were happy with and did lots of things with.

But when I married Julie and Julie kind of came into my I had to kind of redefine those relationships and those friendships with people, and I'm still friends with them, but we're not doing the same things and the same activities.

So ultimately, again, you just got to realize you can't force these relationships.

Forcing a relationship never works.

In fact, if anything, I think it breeds more resentment and more resistance to the relationship.

And you give kind of people something to kind of rebel about.

So again, I know it's frustrating, I know it can be hard.

But as you're going forward, what I really want you to kind of just understand is how can we invite and persuade people to come in here?

And obviously, yes, set healthy boundaries.

You don't want to invite someone that you know is going to cause trouble to family events and things like that.

But again, it's invite and persuade and give people time to kind of accept the new reality, give them time to work through their grief.

And most of the time, again, you'll see people come around and at least, at the very least accept the relationship.

One day I hope I'll have a client or something that will want to share a happy story that I can kind of share with you.

But again, I've seen it and again, it can take years, but especially with children, they will accept the relationship, but you just can't force it on them.

So stop trying to force relationships.

Understand that they're on their own journey and that most of the time they'll actually get there.

But your job is just to kind of help them.

Show them that you're happy and invite and persuade them to be part of this new family, this new dynamic.

But again, you can't force them.

Go ahead and share your own stories if you want to in the comments below.

If you got a good one, I'll share it in a future video.

Feel free to subscribe to this channel like this video as well.

And if you want, there's a link down in the description to set up a coaching session.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

My widower puts his kids and his old life first. What should I do?

A viewer writes: I am dating a widower with a 16 year old and 26 year old children. I am divorced with 3 minors. On my weekends without children, my boyfriend (widower) is not willing to have a date night and rather hang out with his kids. He expects me to hang out with his kids all weekend and he gets upset if I want to do something else. I asked for two date nights a month which doesn’t really happen. We have to squeeze in alone time during work hours or when his kids are busy with other activities. Am I asking too much to have two nights alone without kids? Also he wants to get serious. I keep talking about a new life with new traditions. He seems to want to just continue his life he has with his wife that past. He gets upset if I point it out. How do I start a new life with him if he really wants his old life back?

Transcript of video:

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we are going to discuss what to do if your widower doesn't want to do date nights.

And this comes from a comment on my blog, and this is how the comment reads.

It goes: Abel, I'm dating a widower with two kids, a 16 year old and a 26 year old. I am divorced with three minors on my the weekends without my children. My widower boyfriend is not willing to have a date night and would rather hang out with his kids. He expects me to hang out with his kids all weekend, and he gets upset if I want to do something else. I ask for two date nights a month, which usually doesn't happen. We have to squeeze in alone time during work hours or when his kids are busy with other activities. Am I asking too much to have two nights alone without kids?

Also, he wants to get serious. I keep talking about a new life with new traditions. He seems to just want to continue his life he has with his late wife. He gets upset if I point that out. How do I start a new life with him if he really wants his old life back?

All right, so a couple of issues in there.

By the way, great questions.

These are something I see a lot in my inbox and in coaching sessions.

So let's start with your first question is, are you asking too much to have two nights alone without the kids?

Answer is no, you're not being unreasonable, especially when you consider the age of the children.

We have an adult child here who's 26 and a 16 year old.

Might be a different story if these two kids were like, say, three and five or really young kids.

Probably a little bit of a different story here, but we have an adult child and a teenager, which I'm going to assume at 16, is fully capable of taking care of him or herself if you guys wanted to go out for a couple of hours or hang out there.

So, no, you're not being unreasonable.

And asking that all couples need some alone time to get to know each other, to bond, just to spend time together, you're not being unreasonable.

I think the overall issue here, though, and sadly, this is something I see quite a bit, is that I think there's this expectation that widows and widowers have when they start dating again, is that they're just going to find somebody and this person is just going to plop and kind of take the place of their late spouse and it doesn't necessarily mean that they're the same person, but it's like they have these traditions, they have this life, right?

So this widower obviously has things that he does on the weekends.

He enjoys spending time with his kids, which is cool.

But he just kind of expects you.

This is probably what he and the late wife did, and he's just expecting you to come in and plop down and take that place.

And the truth is, if you want to build chapter two with somebody, you have to start a new life.

That's not the bits and pieces of the old life can't fit into that, but it really is.

There's a price you have to pay to start a new life.

And the fact that his actions are showing that it's a pain in the butt for him to start a new life with you, I think that speaks volumes.

It's like he's looking for someone who will come in and just fall into the way that they've done things.

And if you can find somebody like that, cool.

But I do not recommend that.

Again, if you want to have a long, happy relationship, you need to start a new life, and he's not willing to do that.

So you asked, how do you start a new life with him if he really wants his old life back?

The truth is, you can't start a new life with someone who wants their old life back.

To start a new life, it takes two people, and it takes two people agreeing on what that new life looks like, and he is not there.

So the best thing you can do is give him the gift of missing you.

I think it's time to end the relationship and go and find someone that will give you the life that you want and the attention that you want.

Someone that'll treat you like a queen.

There's probably widowers out there that'll do it.

But this person, he wants his old life back, and you're walking into a trap if that's what you want to do.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating the Widower.

If you have comments or questions on this, you can leave them below.

Feel free to subscribe.

You can also look down in the description.

There's a way to schedule a coaching session if you want some one on one time with me.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Should a widower bring his girlfriend to his son's wedding?

A viewer writes: Abel, I’ve watched your video on who should or shouldn’t be invited to a person’s wedding. While I agree with you that the bride and groom should be able to invite whoever they want, does this change depending on who’s paying? For example, if I’m paying for my son’s wedding, should I be able to invite my new girlfriend even though my son is opposed to our relationship? My answer in the video below.

Transcript of video:

A viewer writes: Abel, I've watched your video on who should or shouldn't be invited to a person's wedding. While I agree with you that the bride and groom should be able to invite whoever they want, does this change depending on who's paying? For example, if I'm paying for my son's wedding, should I be able to invite my new girlfriend even though my son is opposed to our relationship?

Short answer is yes.

If you are paying for the wedding or paying for a substantial part of it, then I think you do have the ability to invite your girlfriend, your new girlfriend, to the wedding.

Not sure why your son is opposed to it, but he does need to understand that there is no such thing as a free lunch, and if he's not paying the bill on his wedding, then you should have a say.

At the very least, if your girlfriend can't attend.

If your son is very opposed to this relationship for whatever reason, that's fine.

I think you just nicely let him know that if he wants to pay for the wedding, then you'll make sure that the girlfriend's nowhere near the wedding venue.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower.

Send me more questions and I'll do another short.

Should Widowers Keep Nude Photos of the Late Wife?

A viewer writes: I'm dating a widower who has nude photos of his late wife saved on his phone. Should he keep or delete these photos? My latest Widower Wednesday has the answer.

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. And today I'm answering a question from a viewer who writes: Abel, I'm dating a widower who has nude photos of his late wife saved on his phone. Should he keep or delete these photos?

Answer is pretty straightforward on this one.

While I don't have a problem with widowers keeping some photos of their late wife, preferably kind of packed away, I do draw the line at nude photos. If any nude photos of the late wife exist, they need to be permanently deleted off of his phone or other devices. If there are hard copies, they need to be destroyed.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

Nude photos of the late wife have absolutely no place in your relationship at all. Now, if the widower refuses to delete or get rid of the photos, or maybe he tells you, I'll put them in a special folder, I'll lock the folder, no one can never get into it. Basically, what he's telling you is that he's not ready to make you number one in his heart. The only person he should be seen naked is you and not anyone else, even if that person is deceased.

So, again, yes, he should delete them. He should get rid of them. He shouldn't even have them. They have no place in your relationship. And I guarantee they will drive a huge wedge between you and the widower if he does keep them. So absolutely not.

And if you have a different opinion, I always try to hear people justify this. If you want to do it, go ahead and do it in the comments. Happy to hear what you say. But again, no place for nude photos. I see zero value.

I always ask myself, and this is the question you should ask yourself, how do nude photos strengthen the relationship that you have with this new woman? How do they strengthen your relationship? I mean, honestly, we're talking nude photos of the late wife here. How do those strengthen your relationship? If you got an answer to that, pop it in the comments. I'd love to see it. And if it's a good one and I'm happy to read it and say that I'm wrong, but pop those things in the comments. Let me know.

If you want to go ahead and like this video, please go ahead and do that. Subscribe to this channel. If you want to schedule a coaching session with me about this or any other topic, you can do so. There's a link in the description to this video as well. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. And I'll see you next Wednesday.

Is a Widower Still a Widower If He Remarries?

Is a widow or widower still a widow or widower if they remarry? Relationship coach and relationship expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. And today we're answering a question from a viewer who writes: “Abel, are widows and widowers still allowed to call themselves a widow or a widower after he or she remarries, or should they be calling themselves something else?”

Great question.

And the answer is is a widow or widower is a person who has lost a spouse to death and has not remarried. Once that person remarries, he or she is no longer a widow or a widower. They're a wife. They're a husband to their new spouse, to their new partner, and they shouldn't use the term widow or widower to describe themselves. Life is best living in the present and looking forward instead of looking backwards. And if you remarry, you need to embrace your new life and the new titles that come with that life.

If you're a widow or widower who remarries referring to yourself as a widow or widower after getting married, it's disrespecting your new spouse, it's disrespecting your life, and it's disrespecting your marriage. And it shows, I think, most importantly, that your outlook is on the past and what has happened behind you instead of on the present and the future and what is before you. And basically, you're focusing on what it is that you've lost instead of what it is that you've gained.

So, no, don't refer to yourself as a widow or widower.

By the way, if you're dating a widow or widower and they say after they marry, they still want to call themselves a widow or a widower, run for the hills. They're not ready to open your heart to you.

All right, if you want to share stories or have comments about this, feel free to leave them below. Like this video share go ahead and subscribe. If you want to talk to me in a coaching session, I have those available as well. There's a link down in the description below.

Enjoyed talking to you today, and I'll see you all next Wednesday.

When to Remove Your Wedding Ring after a Spouse Has Died

How soon should a widow or widower remove a wedding ring after their spouse has died? My latest Widower Wednesday video has the answer.

Transcript:

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I'm answering a question from a viewer who writes the it says, Abel, how soon should a widow or widower remove their wedding ring after their spouse dies?

That's a great question, and for the most part, the answer is a personal one. I know of widows and widowers who have removed their ring in the days or weeks after their spouse died, while others have kept it on for years or even kept it on until the day they died. So taking off when to take off the wedding ring after your spouse dies, it's a personal choice and one you shouldn't do until you're ready to take that step.

Now, however, there is one caveat to this, and there is one case when all widows and widowers should remove their wedding ring, no exception to this, and that is when they start dating again.

And for those who are wondering why, well, a wedding ring is a symbol of your love and devotion to your deceased spouse and has no place in a relationship with a different person with a living, or just a different person in general.

If you're looking to open your heart to someone else, if you're looking to go out there and put yourself out there, you got to take the wedding ring off, put it in a box, put it somewhere special where you can look at it once in a while if you want. But if you're out there dating, you shouldn't be wearing a wedding ring again. And just think you're putting people, by the way, in awkward situations when you're going out dating and you're wearing a wedding ring.

It comes up in coaching sessions a lot, and I haven't met anybody that said, oh, they wore a ring. I felt great about that. No, it bothers people. So again, if you're looking to open your heart to someone else, that's great. It's fine. But the wedding ring has to go off if you're not dating, if you're not doing anything like that, then keep it on as long as you want. Keep it on until you're ready to take it off.

People take it off for various reasons. Sometimes they're just ready to take that step. Sometimes it's a reminder, and they don't like the reminder. Again, not necessarily a right or wrong reason, so long as you're not dating. But if you are dating, there's no place for a wedding ring. You got to take it off and put it in a special spot.

Go ahead and leave your comments below, especially if you have different thoughts. I always welcome disagreeing opinions. Go ahead and like this video, subscribe to my channel. And if you want to talk to me personally, you can go ahead and schedule a coaching session. There is a link for that in the description below.

I'll see you next Wednesday.

3 Reasons Adult Kids Struggle with Dad’s Dating after Mom’s Passing (And What You Can Do about It)

Adult children often have issues when their dad dates again. This video will cover the top 3 reasons adult children of widowers struggle with dad starting a new relationship and the best ways to work through these issues with them.

Transcript:

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we are going to discuss the top three reasons adult children have a hard time with dad dating or marrying again, and what it is you can do if you have adult children and they're experiencing these, or if you're dating a widower and they're exhibiting, you know, they're hostile to, to you or to the relationship, what it is that you can do to work through some of these problems.

So I've said it before, but I'll say it again for those who aren't familiar with my videos.

When I started coaching and the issues of children came up, I always thought it would kind of be like the minor children, the teenagers and such living at home that would have the hardest time with dad dating again.

And they do have a hard time with him dating again.

And there's always adjustments to be made when a parent dies and mom or dad is dating someone else.

But most of the things I see in coaching sessions and through emails and things like that, it's the adult children.

And these are typically people that are out of the house, maybe even they have families of their own, but for whatever reason, they're having a hard time seeing dad date again, seeing dad with another woman, they don't want dad marrying again, things like that.

So we're going to get into the top three reasons why they feel that way.

And then again, what is it that you can do, whether you're a widower or you're dating a widower, how you can deal with these.

So the top reason I see for adult children having a hard time with dad dating again is that they're still grieving.

Losing a spouse is very different than losing a parent.

Right.

You can always remarry, and not that you're replacing your spouse, but there is that option out there where you can go and remarry.

And a lot of times widows and widowers, they can process that loss a bit better and they can move forward faster.

It's different than losing a parent.

You really can't get a new mom or dad if your parent dies, obviously they're stepparents.

But just that relationship you had with your mom or your dad, it's gone.

And you can't just, whoever he remarries or whoever he starts dating doesn't just necessarily take that spot, if that makes sense.

So that's the main reason I see the top reason is that the children are still grieving and they're just having a hard time adjusting and seeing dad with somebody else.

And again, there's nothing wrong with being on a different page than dad.

And I'll get to how you can deal with that in a minute.

But I'm just pointing out that is the top reason.

The second reason I see has to do with money or inheritance.

They are worried that Dad's dating a gold digger or that she's just dating dad for his money.

And dad is all caught up in love and he can't see it and they're worried about that.

Whatever, Dad's going to leave all his stuff or more stuff to her.

And what about us?

That is the second reason I see that adult children have with dad dating again.

And the final reason that I see is just that I often refer to it as the mini wife, but oftentimes after the mom dies, adult children, especially daughters, sometimes sons.

I have seen it in sons, but it's typically daughters will kind of step in and they take what I sometimes term as a mini wife role.

And what that is, is they step in and they do a lot of things that mom was doing.

They might help dad out a lot, take him places just to spend a lot more time with them.

And I do see just the fact that usually when the mom dies, that the widower tends to spend more time with his kids, especially if they live close.

So suddenly he's spending all this time with their kids that maybe he wasn't spending before.

And then a new woman comes in and boom, there's a new relationship there.

Dad's spending less time, the kids kind of like, hey, wait, what's going on?

We were enjoying this new thing that we were having.

So anyway, those are kind of the top three reasons that I see.

I'm sure there's other reasons that adult children have a hard time, but I would say that incorporates 85% to 90% of the coaching calls that I do with couples who are trying to deal with adult children again who aren't supportive of the relationship.

So they're still grieving, they're worried about inheritance or finances, and they're spending less time with dad.

That's 80 or 90%.

So I know, but most of you are wondering, well, those are the top three reasons.

Whatever.

I have sons or daughters that are against this relationship.

How is it that I can deal with this?

So let me give you some ideas on how you can deal with these various situations.

And I think the most important thing is that whatever you do, the most important thing for any of these things, these situations, is that you don't let these kids, these adult children, again, remember, we're talking about adult children here.

That you don't let them emotionally manipulate you into giving up the relationship just because they aren't ready for it or they're worried about different things.

Again, we're talking about adults with their own lives.

If you give in to them on this, they will try to control every aspect of your life going forward.

I've just seen that again and again.

So just throwing it out there that no matter what tact you end up taking, don't give in to any manipulation and stuff that they do.

Okay, so the first reason is if they're still grieving and they're still having a hard time losing their mom, I think the best thing you can do is really not force the new relationship on them.

I think the best thing you can do is keep those lines of communication open.

You need to have a conversation or maybe a series of conversations where you let them know that you love them, that you'll always love their mom, and that you're here to talk as needed.

Right.

If they're still grieving and they need someone to talk to, that you're there to talk to, not necessarily that you're their therapist, but you're happy to hear how they're doing.

And are there things within reason that you can do to kind of aid them and help them move forward?

But I think that's the most important thing, is just to keep those communication lines open.

A lot of times widowers, they get a little worried.

They're worried about dating again and how the kids will react.

And sometimes they kind of hide the relationship.

And that really doesn't do a lot.

It kind of breaks down those communication lines.

And again, it's not that you have to be telling them every detail of the relationship, but I think letting them know that you're dating again, letting them know when you're in a serious relationship, things like that can go a long way to kind of help preparing them for this kind of new chapter in your life and a new chapter in their life.

But it's really important that you don't let their grief stop you from living their lives.

A lot of times they're very sad, and again, they can get therapy.

There's different things that you can do there or that you can suggest for them.

But ultimately, just like somebody can't solve the widower's grief or your grief, they have to work through their own grief and they shouldn't be holding your life back just because they're having a hard time grieving.

A lot of times they'll be like, dad, if you want to see the kids, your grandkids, you got to stop dating this woman or whatever it is, and that's not healthy for anybody.

So again, keep those lines of communication open.

Let them just talk to them.

Let them know that, again, you're dating, again has nothing to do with the love you have for their mom and kind of do what you can to help them work through their grief.

But understand that ultimately they are in charge of their own grief and they are the ones that need to work through it.

So that's kind of the best thing you can do there for the second reason is when they're worried about inheritance or worried that Dad's dating a gold digger, I always kind of cringe at that one.

I think it says a lot about where the kids hearts are.

Not that you shouldn't be worried about that, but ultimately, the thing is that it's your money, it's not anybody else's money, and no one's entitled to it, and you can do with it whatever you want.

I'm not opposed by any means of making sure that the kids are taken care of, but I don't like the entitlement attitude, I guess, is what I see.

So if you have kids that are worried about inheritance, I think something you should consider is maybe a prenup or something like that.

Again, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to make sure that you want to pass things down to your kids.

They get passed things down to your kids.

And honestly, most of the women I talk to who are accused of being gold diggers, they're not.

They just want a stable relationship.

The thing I do warn them about, and this skim going is going back to, is that if you're getting into another relationship and you want to leave things to your kids, that's fine.

I don't have a problem with it.

But you do need to make sure that this new woman in your life, if you're married to her, that you're not leaving her destitute should you die.

Most heartbreaking coaching sessions I've had have come from women who have married or moved in with a widower.

The widower is gone.

There's nothing in the will or the estate that says that, for example, she can live in the house until she dies or anything like that.

And they're kind of out on the street and they're kind of worse off than what they were.

So again, I don't have anything wrong with protecting assets or passing things on to your kids, but I think at the same time, if you're bringing a new person into your life and you love them, you need to make sure that, I don't know, you guys can work out the asset thing, but just to make sure that they are protected on the off chance that you die before she does that.

She's not destitute, homeless, without some way to kind of survive if you do pass.

So, anyway, just something to think about there.

But again, I think the big thing is no one's entitled to your money.

And if the kids feel like they're entitled to it, I think it's More having a conversation with them, letting them know that, look, these are my plans for going forward.

These are my plans on the inheritance.

But maybe kind of smack them around a little bit verbally, not physically, but maybe just kind of talk to them and just kind of point out that it is your money, you can do with it as you want, but you are going to take care of them.

Again, it's the entitlement attitude I don't like there.

Okay.

The final thing is, again, what do you do if you have a son or a daughter or son or daughters and they've been used to kind of spending more time with you, have maybe a better or stronger relationship with you after mom died, because you're spending more time together and suddenly you're spending more time with this other woman, less time with them.

How do you handle that?

And I would just say to that, redefining relationships is something you have to do through all stages of life with your kids.

You have different relationships with them when they're five years old, when they're 15 years old, when they're adults, your relationship evolves with them.

And I think, again, the best thing you can do on this is keep the lines of communication open.

Let them know that just because you're spending less time with them doesn't mean that you love them less or that you aren't thinking about them.

I think there are ways, again, you can spend time with them.

No one's saying you can't, but it's in a healthy way redefining that relationship with them.

Let them know that, yeah, I'm spending more time with this person.

Now.

It's not that I don't want to spend time with you guys or your kids or the family, but it's just that we've just got to kind of redefine things and again, I think the more you can keep those lines of communication open, which is odly a theme in all three things here.

But if you can keep those lines of communication open with your kids, these issues tend to be resolved a lot better.

But again, ultimately, if the kids are going to be jerks and they're going to whatever, say, you can't see the grandkids or they're going to try to emotionally blackmail you, that is not a healthy relationship.

And I think you need to at that point, take a step back and let them kind of sort things out, because I've seen it a lot.

I guarantee that if you let them in the door where they are going to emotionally manipulate the situation and realize that they can get away with it, they will do it again and again and again and again.

So you got to have some tough love there at the beginning and be able to hopefully nip it in the bud.

And sadly, if the kids don't come around to it, again, it's redefining relationships.

Maybe you've got to just take a step back for it.

Because ultimately, if you're dating and you're looking for a serious, committed relationship here, ultimately that person has to be the most important person in your life.

And again, remembering we're talking about adult children here, not minor children, but that person needs to be the most important person in your life.

And not that you can't have a relationship with your kids, but again, as you grow and they grow and have families of their own, relationships just get redefined.

And it has nothing to do with the amount of love that you have for them.

So that's it.

On the top three reasons adult children have a hard time seeing their widowed father date again, if you would like to schedule, if you're having some of these issues and like to schedule a coaching session, you can do so with a link in the description.

You can leave your comments below.

Subscribe this channel like this video and and I will see you all next Wednesday.

Bye.

Embracing Chapter Two: Overcoming Guilt and Building a New Life

Sometimes widows and widowers feel guilty about moving forward or look back fondly on their new life. How can one move forward and embrace their new life? My latest Widower Wednesday video has the answer.

Transcript follows.

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and today we are going to talk about widows and widowers who feel guilty about chapter two and starting chapter two.

The idea behind this video comes from several emails and comments I've received from widows and widowers who have started chapter two.

They're in good marriages, they're in strong relationships with their new spouses, or in long-term relationships with their partners, but they feel guilty about the sacrifices they've had to make in order to make chapter 2 successful.

So this video will address these issues.

So for example, sometimes these widows and widowers they may feel bad or guilty about moving away from their adult kids or other family members in order to make the marriage work.

They miss old friendships or traditions they used to participate in back at home.

They may struggle with the challenges that come with building a new life with a new person.

These kind of lead not necessarily wanting to end chapter two but reaching out and asking how do I deal with these feelings so first of all if you're looking back at the past and missing it that is normal and it's not just something that widows and widowers do I think you know we've all had times in our lives where we've gone through a transition and a change and you look back, you know, what the last, you know, it could be 10 years ago, five years ago, whatever, a couple months ago, and you see what life was like.

And we all kind of do it at times.

We all kind of miss the past and just kind of realize, man, I had it good, I kind of miss that.

So there's nothing wrong with remembering and reflecting on the past, first of all, so long as that doesn't interfere with our new life.

Because in order to build a new life, you need to understand that there's no solutions here, that there's only trade-offs.

And I come from the great philosopher Thomas Sowell.

He coined the phrase, there's no solutions, just trade-offs.

In order to have a new life, a new chapter two, you have to give up all or parts of your old life.

And that's just reality.

And no matter how hard you miss it, no matter how hard you miss those good times or those friendships or traditions or things like that, your old life isn't coming back.

And so if you find yourself as a widow or widower kind of feeling maybe guilty or thinking about chapter one and kind of wishing that things were different.

The best thing you can do is understand that there's a price you had to pay for this new life and you have got to focus on and embrace the life you have now.

That means focusing on your new spouse and putting all of your time and energy into him or her.

It means making new relationships, new friendships, starting new traditions.

You need to build a new life just like you did when you got married the first time.

You had to build a new life then, you have to build a new life now.

And yes, it's going to be different than your past life, but that doesn't mean it can't be as good or it can't be just as wonderful.

Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, well, Abel, that's easy for you to say, you know, you've been married 20 years and you've built this thing.

It's like, yeah, And it's not easy.

It's not easy to do.

It's easier said than done, but you need to really embrace, decide what it is that you want chapter two to look like and just embrace that.

And you need to realize all the stuff that you've gained, instead of focusing on what you've lost, you need to focus on what it is that you've gained.

So for example, in my case, you know, back all those years ago, I lost a wife, I lost a daughter, I had to redefine relationships with friends and family, I sold a house, I had to move.

And I'll be honest, there were times where I looked back and said, yeah, I did kind of, not that I felt guilty or bad, but there were times, I mean, it was a big adjustment to create a new life and start a new life.

And there was times that Julie and I struggled with it.

I mean, we're just as human as anybody else.

In fact, if you want to read about it, I have the wife and the next life here.

If you want to read about some of these struggles that we had in building chapter two together, it was by no means smooth.

It wasn't horrible and rough, but it was by no means a smooth and perfect experience.

But really what worked for me is I had to say this is the choice that I made I made a choice to marry Juliana to start a new life with her to start a family with her and I had to embrace that and I had to embrace that decision and just accept it and make the best out of it And instead of focusing on the things that I had lost, like moving and just having to redefine friendships and things like that, I really focused on what I had gained.

What I had gained by starting a new life with Julie.

Well, I had a new marriage, we had new children, we created a new family, and we created new traditions.

And it was different, and again, wasn't smooth.

Read the wife and the next life, You can get some of those details.

It was it wasn't smooth for Julie either but I embraced the choices and I embraced my new life with Juliana And if I have pined after my old life with Krista or my past life or kind of regretted those decisions I guarantee the marriage that Julie and I have would not have lasted and so Really?

You just have to go out there and just accept the life that you have and embrace it.

It doesn't mean, again, if it's okay if you struggle at it, it's okay if it's a little bit hard, but you've made this choice.

You've made a choice to start a chapter two with someone else.

You have got to embrace that choice.

You have got to accept that choice.

And the more time and energy you put into creating a new relationship, creating new memories and strengthening that marriage, instead of focusing on the past, the stronger and better that your marriage will be.

And yes, it's going to be different than chapter one, but there's no reason it can't be as good or it can't be as sweet.

So okay to miss the past, okay to understand you had to make sacrifices for this, but it's when you make sacrifices that's when the blessings come and that's when you create the new life that you're meant to live.

So like, comment, subscribe below.

Leave me your thoughts on this, things that you have done to over to start a new life and overcome feelings of missing the past or guilt.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.