In the second of a 3 part series on breaking up with a widower, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discusses 5 tips and tricks that can make the breakup conversation go smoother while avoiding giving widowers who aren't ready to open their hearts a second chance.
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Hi, it's Wednesday, which means it's time for another video edition of "Wit or Wednesday." I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today is the second in a three-part series about how to break up with a widower.
In Part 1, we discussed the reasons that you should break up with a widower and when's a good time to end the relationship. This video is focused on the actual breakup part and will include some tips and ideas on how to make the conversation go as easily as possible for both you and the widower.
The final video, which I'll post next time I do a Widower Wednesday video, is about how to put your life back together after a breakup and how to avoid giving widowers who are just looking to date (but aren’t ready to move on) a second chance. It's very common that widowers want a second chance, and we'll talk about how to know if a widower is serious about changing after you break up with him.
But today, we're going to discuss five tips and tricks that can make the breakup conversation as easy as possible. Keep in mind, some of these may seem counterintuitive, but remember, you're speaking to a man, and these tips are designed to help both you and him. So here we go:
Tip 1: Do It in Person
Please, please, please, do not break up over text, chat, or any other form of communication, unless you're worried about his reaction, like you're worried about him getting violent. In that case, yes, you can do it personally, but honestly, the best way to do it is to have the conversation in person. You know, maybe in a private place—not necessarily in your home or his home, but please don’t do it in public. Find a quiet place, like a park, to have that conversation.
The reason I suggest this is not only does it make it more personal, but it also gives you a chance to read his body language and see how he's responding to this. That’s something you really can’t do over email, text, or chat.
If you're in a long-distance relationship, the best thing you can do is, again, I understand you may not be able to be there in person, but at least do it over FaceTime or Zoom, or something like that, where you can see each other, read each other's body language, and it’s a bit more personal.
I know, many of you know, I had a long-distance relationship with someone before I met Julie. I did break up with her on the phone since we were 600 miles apart, and face-to-face wasn’t possible. But I’ll add that this was back before FaceTime and Zoom, so a phone call was the most personal option under the circumstances.
Tip 2: Make a Clean Break
When you break up, you break up. This conversation isn’t about second chances or him saying he’ll make changes to his life. This is about a breakup, and it needs to be crystal clear. For example, you could say something like, “John, things aren’t working out, and I’m ending the relationship,” or “John, we’ve tried, but it’s not working out, it’s over.”
Feel free to write it down and practice it before you actually break up with him, but it needs to be made clear that this isn’t about second chances or anything else. It’s a breakup.
The reason for this is that if you don’t make it clear, it’s easy to get sidetracked into him asking for a second chance or trying to convince you to make things work. Widowers who aren’t looking for a serious relationship will try to string things out as long as possible. He needs to know that it’s over, and you need to know that it's over too.
Tip 3: Keep the Breakup Conversation Short and Simple
You don’t have to give him a reason. Don't drag the conversation out or get into a bunch of side stuff or emotions; that's only going to make things worse for both of you. Remember, you’re talking to a man, and if you want him to understand you, talk like a man would talk to another man—short, simple, and direct.
Be kind, but firm. For example, you could say, “John, the relationship is over,” or “We’re breaking up.” You can give him a reason if you want, like, “I can’t stand your adult children,” or “You’re still wearing your wedding ring.” Keep it short and to the point, and don’t feel obligated to give a reason.
Widowers don’t always give reasons when they break up. In my coaching sessions, I hear from many people whose widowers just walk away, and they never get an explanation. If you feel like giving a reason, that’s fine, but you’re not obligated to. Keep it simple and avoid dragging it out.
Tip 4: You Don’t Have to Listen to His Reasons
After the breakup, he might give you excuses about why things haven’t worked out, or he might promise to change. Understand that you don’t have to listen to this. The point of the conversation is to end the relationship, not to figure things out or offer second chances.
If he starts giving you reasons, you can simply say, “It’s too late to fix things, it’s over.” Don’t go down that rabbit hole of excuses. If he tries to make things worse, kindly cut him off. Say something like, “I’ve heard these excuses before, but we need to move on.”
Tip 5: After You Break Up, Block Him
After the breakup, block him on social media, your phone, email—any way he can contact you. The reason I suggest this is that this is a very vulnerable time for you. You may still be feeling lousy, even if breaking up was the right thing to do. The last thing you need is him texting or calling and promising that things will change.
You need time to reflect and gain some emotional distance. Blocking him shows that you're serious and gives you space to evaluate how life is without him. Too often, I’ve seen widowers worm their way back into a woman’s life, weeks after the breakup. Then, months later, she finds herself in the same situation because nothing changed.
Take at least a couple of weeks of no contact. This will give you time to reflect and put your life back together. After the breakup, you may realize how much less stressed or happier you are, and that’s a good sign. If you feel better, that means the breakup was the right choice.
To summarize, the five tips for breaking up with a widower are:
Do it in person.
Make a clean break—this isn’t about second chances.
Keep the conversation short and simple; you don’t have to give a reason.
You don’t have to listen to his reasons, but if you do, be prepared to cut him off.
After the breakup, block him on social media and all other ways he can contact you.
In the next video, I’ll discuss second chances and how to know if the widower who wants one is serious.
I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. Like, subscribe, and leave a comment below if you have questions about breaking up with a widower or want to share your widower story. I’ll see you next Wednesday!