In the third of a 3 part series on breaking up with a widower, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discusses 4 thing you can do that will make the post break up days and weeks easier. In addition learn what you should do if the widower you break up with wants a second chance.
Transcript of Video:
Hi, it’s Wednesday. That means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Today is part 3 in our three-part series on how to break up with a widower.
Part 1 discussed the reasons to break up with a widower and when you should do it. Part 2 was about the actual breakup and how to make that the best situation for everyone involved. By the way, if you want to find those videos, I'll post them down in the comments below, or you can search through my channel. They’re up.
This part, however, is on how to make it through the days and weeks following the breakup, which can actually be harder than the actual breakup itself. So we're gonna discuss ways that you can do it. In fact, we have four tips and tricks to get through those days and weeks. We'll also discuss what to do if the widower wants a second chance or wants to get back together, and how you can know if he's really serious about this or not.
The first thing you need to do is have a plan for after the breakup. What I see a lot of times is people in coaching sessions or whatever will have a plan for the breakup. They'll even write it down, what it is they're gonna say. Then they get home, and they just don't know what to do. They wake up the next morning, and it's like, "What did I do?" or they're just sitting around with nothing to do.
I think it's important to focus on the breakup, how, and what you're gonna say and actually break up with the widower. But you need to have some idea of what you're gonna do in those days and weeks following the breakup. Whether you're going back to work or getting out of town, the last thing you want to do is sit around with nothing to do. You need to stay busy. Having a lot of free time on your hands is the absolute worst thing that you can do. It leads to second-guessing, loneliness, and other issues. The next thing you know, you find yourself back in a relationship where nothing's changed. It isn't good for the widower or yourself.
What I suggest is, before you break up with the widower, make a list of things you need to do that maybe you haven't had time for recently. Make a plan to get out of town or do something else that will take you away from things for a while. Go see family, for example. It's something I work on in coaching sessions—not only how to go through a breakup but also what you’re going to do in the days and weeks following it.
Have a plan. Some ideas I've seen are people spring-cleaning the entire house, taking a trip they've always wanted to take, or finding some activity that will occupy their time. The point is, you need to find something to do. It's already a hard time, and the last thing you need is to sit around with nothing to do. That actually makes things worse, not better.
The second tip is to focus on yourself. Maybe as you're making these plans, hang out with family, friends, and others. Treat yourself to some kind of activity that you enjoy or maybe something you've wanted to indulge in for a while but haven't been able to. If you need to get out of town, go for a trip. But again, when I say focus on yourself, worry about yourself—don't worry about the widower.
I've done a lot of post-breakup coaching sessions, and people are worried about whether the widower is doing okay. He's fine. He'll be fine. He'll make it through it. Don't worry about how he's doing. You've got to worry about how you're doing. Focus on you, healing yourself, and giving yourself some time for self-reflection. The widower will be fine. He'll make it through it, I promise. It may be hard for him, but it's not the end of the world.
When you're doing some of these activities, focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. Do some self-care things with friends or family that can take your mind off things. But don't worry about what the widower is doing or how he's reacting. He'll be fine.
The third tip is do not contact the widower. I know it's tempting, especially if you're worried about him, to go out there and just text him real quick, asking, "Are you doing okay? How's everything going?" Don't do it. In the previous video, we talked about blocking him on social media and your phone so he can't reach out and contact you. There'll be time to talk to the widower later, but the days and weeks following a breakup are not the time to do it. You need time to get your thoughts and feelings in check. The days and weeks after are really emotional, and if you contact him, that's going to ruin any chance you have for self-reflection and wondering if you did the right thing.
You need time. I say, at a minimum, wait two weeks. If you really feel you need to contact him, wait at least two weeks so you've had some time to sit and reflect on the things you want to do. I highly recommend not contacting him or responding to his texts or calls if you haven't blocked him yet. This post-breakup time is for you to heal and find yourself a little bit, and see what life is like without him. Trust me, he's okay. He'll be fine. Even if he's upset, he'll figure out a way to work through it.
Now, what happens if the widower wants to get back together? You’ve broken up, you have a plan, maybe you've gotten out of town for a while, focused on yourself, and haven't contacted him. But somehow, the widower reaches out and says, "Hey, things are different. I want to get back together." Should you do it?
This is one of the reasons I recommend a period of at least two weeks for self-reflection after you break up and not contacting him. When a widower reaches out wanting to get back together, you want to make that decision with the least amount of emotion possible. Granted, most of our decisions are emotion-based, but we can be very emotional or somewhat rational when we make decisions. Usually, after two weeks, we're doing a little better. We may still be smarting from the breakup or wondering if we did the right thing, but we're not as emotionally invested as we were 48 hours after the breakup.
If a widower wants to get back together after two weeks, take some time to reflect. Look back on your life over the last two weeks. Ask yourself, is your life better without the widower, or is it worse? When I have people do this in coaching sessions, 95% of the time they say, "My life's better. I don't have this stress in my life anymore. I don't have these problems. I'm not worried about it." What is your gut saying? If your gut says you're better off without the widower, listen to your gut. Do you really want to go back to a relationship full of stress and issues you don't want to deal with? It's a fair question to ask.
Let's say you want to give him one more shot. When do you do that? Only if your gut tells you to—not your emotions, not "I miss him," but if your gut says, "I really think I should give him a second chance." If that happens and his actions back up his words, then maybe you should consider giving him a second chance.
For example, let's say you broke up because there was a shrine to his late wife in his house, or he refused to introduce you to his kids. These are common reasons for breaking up with a widower. Only consider getting back together if he has made changes. If he says, "Things are different, I want to get back together," ask for proof. If it was the shrine, ask for photos of his house. If the shrine is still there, getting back together means he didn't take the breakup seriously. If he takes down the shrine, maybe it's worth considering. If it was about his kids, and he says, "I'll introduce you," then the very next time you get together, it should be at a function where you can meet them. His actions must back up his words. Words alone mean nothing, especially if a widower is lonely. He’ll say anything to get you back together. Post-breakup actions are what matter. Is he making changes in his life to make you number one?
Go back to video 2 where I say, "Tell him why you're breaking up," so he has a chance to reflect and make changes if he wants to. If his actions back up his words, listen to your gut. Take a day or two to see if you want to get back together. But do not fall for, "If we get back together, I'll change things." That never works. He's either in or out. If breaking up hasn't caused him to take action, I guarantee getting back together won't change anything. In two or three months, you'll be back in the same spot.
To summarize the five post-breakup steps:
Have a plan for after the breakup. Don't be alone with nothing to do. Stay busy with friends, family, travel, work, or activities around the house.
Focus on yourself. This is your time to heal and reflect on life without the widower. Don't worry about him.
Do not contact him. Don't reach out. This time is for self-reflection.
If the widower wants to get back together, listen to your gut. Is your life better or worse without him?
If he wants to get back together, make sure his actions back up his words. Don't just get back together because he says he's changed.
I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and I’ll see you next Wednesday.