Most widowers start dating 3-5 months after the death of their wife. It’s not a question of if widowers will date again, but how soon it will happen.
What You Permit, You Promote | Setting Healthy Boundaries with Widowers
“It’s not easy to ask someone who’s lost a spouse to put the past to the side and make you number one, but setting healthy boundaries is vital for your mental health and emotional wellbeing. It is a dependable way to know if widowers are serious about starting a new relationship.” — from my book, Dating a Widower
Now Available: Dating a Widower, Second Edition
It's here! The second edition of Dating a Widower is a complete rewrite of the first book and contains stories and information not found in the first edition including:
How to know for certain if the widower is ready to make room in his heart for you.
How to set and maintain healthy relationship boundaries with widowers.
The best way to handle days like the anniversary of her date of death or her birthday.
Plus much more!
Dating a Widower is the definitive guide to knowing if the widower you're dating is ready for a serious relationship. Get your copy of this life changing book now.
Why Do Widowers Date Soon After Their Late Wives Die?
Chapter 1: Why Do Widowers Date Soon After Their Late Wives Die?
A few months after my late wife, Krista, and I were married, we witnessed a widower make a pass at Krista’s grandmother, Loretta. His wife had died a few days earlier, and her funeral was later that morning.
We were in the kitchen helping Loretta prepare some food for the lunch that was to follow the funeral. The recent widower knocked at the door, and Loretta answered. From the kitchen, Krista and I could hear every word they both said. Most of their conversation had to do with the funeral and lunch arrangements, but just as the widower was about to leave, he said to Loretta, “I’ll be calling on you tomorrow.”
I glanced over at Krista to confirm that I had heard correctly. The aghast look on Krista’s face told me that I had. My mind was spinning as I tried to process his words. This man hadn’t even buried his wife, and he already had plans to ask Krista’s grandmother out on a date. In my mind, the only kind of man who would even consider dating that quickly after his wife died was a man no longer in love. I was not acquainted with the widower or his late wife, but from what Loretta had told us, they had been married for over forty years. Loretta’s husband had died twenty years earlier, and as far as I knew, she had never dated anyone after her husband passed away. Wasn’t that what widows and widowers were supposed to do? Wasn’t there a rule that they had to wait at least one year before dating again? I wasn’t sure, but as I looked out the nearby window at the widower walking toward his home, whatever sympathy and compassion I felt for him earlier vanished.
Loretta returned to the kitchen, and without a word to either Krista or myself, continued her work.
Krista and I exchanged looks, both wondering if one of us should comment on what we overheard. After a few moments of silence between us, Krista spoke.
“Grandma, did he ask you out?” she asked.
“He alluded to something like that,” Loretta chuckled.
“You’re not going out with him, are you?” Krista said in a voice that made me think she was going to lose all respect for her grandmother if she even considered dating this man.
Loretta waved her hand dismissively and said that she had no interest in dating anyone.
Krista and I looked at each other again. I shrugged and returned to my work. I found it strange how casually Loretta dismissed the entire incident. Questions swirled through my mind. Had she been asked out by this man while his wife was alive? Did it strike her as odd that he had asked her out just a few days after his wife died? Had she been asked out by enough widowers in the past that she was hardened to their advances?
I never asked any of those questions, but looking back, I wish I had. Maybe Loretta would have imparted some wisdom about her widowed neighbor that would have helped me understand his actions. Perhaps she had some insight on how widows and widowers grieve. At the very least, her words might have given me some comfort two years later, when I found myself with a strong desire to start dating only two months after Krista took her own life.
***
Losing a spouse is harder for men than it is for women.
Widowers are more likely than widows to experience declines in their physical and emotional health in the months and years following their wife’s passing. They’re more likely to suffer from depression and chronic stress. Many widowers have difficulty sleeping and problems concentrating, and often show little or no interest in activities they enjoyed when their wife was alive. As a result, widowers are one-third more likely to die after being recently widowed. Widows, on the other hand, have no increased chance of dying after their husbands pass away.
When a man’s wife dies, he loses more than just a partner. He loses his confidant, his lover, his companion, and his biggest supporter. His identity as a protector, provider, and leader vanishes. With few reasons to get out of bed in the morning, widowers view the emptiness in their lives as a problem that needs to be solved. And how do they fix their broken lives and grieving hearts? They start dating again.
It’s not a question of if widowers will date again, but how soon it will happen.
Over the years, I’ve spoken with and coached hundreds of widowers of various ages and backgrounds. Nearly every widower I’ve spoken with had a strong desire to date in the weeks or months after his wife’s death. It didn’t matter how long they were married, how their wife died, their cultural background, their beliefs, their values, or anything else. Nearly all of them described an urge to find companionship soon after their wife passed away. Some of them fought or brushed aside these feelings and waited several months or years before finally dating, but most of them were quick to act in the hope that being with another woman would alleviate their pain and loneliness.
If you’re dating a widower, it’s vital that you understand this internal need widowers have for companionship, because it’s what drives them to date long before they’re emotionally or mentally ready for a serious relationship. Most widowers—especially recent widowers—aren’t looking for a serious relationship when they start dating again. What they’re looking for is companionship.
Widowers who seek companionship want a woman to do one thing: fill the gaping hole in their hearts. They believe that by having someone—anyone—in their life, their hearts will be healed and the empty feeling that consumes them will vanish. This desire for companionship is so strong that widowers will start a serious relationship with women they wouldn’t date if they weren’t grieving.
Let me give you a personal example. In the months following Krista’s death, I started a relationship with a woman I’ll call Jennifer—a female friend who lived six hundred miles away in Phoenix, Arizona. Though Jennifer and I had been friends for many years, we had never dated or been romantically involved with each other prior to Krista’s passing. Our relationship started innocently enough when Jennifer periodically called to check up on me after Krista died. She’d ask how I was doing, and we’d spend five or ten minutes catching up. Somewhere along the way, our conversations become more serious, and our friendship evolved into a long-distance relationship.
After a few months of talking on the phone every night and monthly flights to see each other in person, Jennifer believed we would get married and live happily ever after. Though I never dissuaded Jennifer from drawing that conclusion, marrying her was something I could never personally see happening. Her dreams of the two of us spending the rest of our lives together came to an abrupt end when I dumped her after becoming serious with Julianna. (More details about this long-distance relationship are found in my memoir Room for Two).
Under normal circumstances, I never would have dated Jennifer or become involved in a serious relationship with her, because we simply weren’t compatible. However, because I craved companionship and was looking for someone—anyone—to help fill the void Krista left in my heart, I ignored obvious red flags, brushed aside my internal doubts, and let the relationship become serious. It was only when I realized that there was someone who matched up perfectly with me—someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—that the relationship with Jennifer came to an end.
I share this story to illustrate the fact that widowers often start dating for the wrong reasons. Relationships that begin because widowers want to heal their broken hearts or fill the void in their lives never end well. And you don’t have to take my word for it. Throughout this book, you’ll read heartbreaking stories of women who were in relationships with widowers who could never make these women feel like the most important person in their lives.
By now, some of you are wondering if the widower you’re dating is serious about your relationship or is simply using you as a placeholder until someone better comes along. In the upcoming chapters, I’ll show how you can know if the widower you’re dating is using you to soothe his broken heart or is actually ready to start a new chapter of his life with you. The purpose of this chapter is to help you understand the motivations and desires that nudge widowers back into the dating game before they’re emotionally ready to take that step. When you know that widowers are driven by an internal need to find companionship, it’s easier to evaluate their words, actions, and behavior.
At the beginning of this chapter, I told a story about a widower who announced his interest in dating Krista’s grandmother on the day of his late wife’s funeral. Today, I look back on this widower’s actions with a lot more clarity and charity. Though I still think he should have waited until after the funeral to ask Loretta out, I better understand the reason behind his actions and regret judging him as harshly as I did. I don’t know if that widower ever dated anyone or found love again. If he did remarry, I hope he could give her his whole heart and soul. Loretta, on the other hand, never went out with him or anyone else for the rest of her life. She passed away in 2005, four years after Krista died.
Coming January 29: Dating a Widower, Second Edition
Dating a widower comes with unique challenges that you won’t encounter when dating a single or divorced man. For the relationship to work, the widower will have to put his feelings for his late wife to the side and focus on you. But how do you know if he’s ready to take this step?
Drawing on his own experience as a remarried widower, Abel Keogh provides unique insight and guidance into the hearts and minds of widowers, including:
Why widowers date so soon after their late wife dies
How to know if the widower is ready to make room in his heart for you
Red flags that indicate widowers aren’t ready for commitment
How to set and maintain healthy relationship boundaries with widowers
Dating a Widower is your guide to having a successful relationship with a man who’s starting over. It also contains 22 real-life stories from women who have gone down the same road you’re traveling. It’s the perfect book to help you decide if the man you’re seeing is ready for a new relationship—and whether dating a widower is right for you.
It’s Time to Share Your Story in Dating a Widower 2.0
Good news! The second edition of Dating a Widower is just about done and I’m looking to add stories from women who are or who have dated widowers.
And one of the stories could be yours.
While I’ll consider any story that’s submitted, subjects that will give your story a leg up on making the new edition of Dating a Widower include:
Experiences dating widower soon after his wife passed away
What happened when you set healthy boundaries with a widower
Dating a widower with red flags
How you lost or rebuilt confidence when dating a widower
Regrets about not setting boundaries in the bedroom
How you handled the widower celebrating special occasions like the late wife’s birthday or her date of death
How you dealt with the end of a relationship with a widower
Your stories can have happy or heartbreaking endings, they can make the reader laugh, cry, or ponder their own relationship. I just want to you share stories from the heart.
If you’re want to share your story, email them to me no later than May 19, 2019. Stories should be no longer than 750 words.
Questions about sharing your story? Leave them in the comments below.
If you don’t want to share your story at this time, that’s fine. I’ll be updating my other relationship guides soon and maybe one of them would be a better fit.
Widower Wednesday: Subtitle Help
Just a reminder that I’ve upgraded the comment section of the blog so you can reply directly to a comment instead of leaving a comment several spaces down. Hopefully this will help everyone follow the different conversation threads that can occur on a post. (And thanks to all those who helped me beta test the comment section. So far everything seems to be working.) If you have a problem with the new comments functionality, please send me an email so I can investigate the problem.
***
This week, I’m asking for one last bit of help with the forthcoming Dating a Widower book. (Regular Widower Wendesday topics to resume next week!) One thing my editor and I have been struggling with is the subtitle to the Dating a Widower book. We’ve thrown some ideas back and forth but really haven’t found anything that sticks. So what I’d like this week is some feedback from you on the seven subtitles below. Is there one that jumps out at you? Are there changes or tweaks you’d make to one of them? Do you have one that would work better than those listed below? If someone suggests a tweak to an existing subtitle or comes up with a new one that I end up using, you’ll receive a free copy of Dating a Widower book when it’s released in next month.
Here are some of the subtitles ideas we’ve been tossing around:
- How to Have a Successful Relationship with a Man Who’s Starting Over
- A Woman’s Guide to Men, Grief, and Moving On
- A Guide to Knowing if He’s Ready to for a New Relationship
- Starting a Relationship with a Man Who’s Starting Over
- How to Know if He’s Ready to Move On
- Everything You Need to Know About Dating a Man Who’s Starting Over
- A Guide to Dating a Man Who’s Starting Over
Thanks for your help!
Update: For those who aren't familiar with the book, think of it as a 101 guide to dating a widower. It covers the basics of dating a widower (what to look out for, red flags, how he should treat you, etc.) as well as successful and not so successful stories from women who have dated widowers.
Dating a Widower Book Cover Concepts
For the last couple weeks I've been working with a book cover designer for the upcoming Dating a Widower book. After a couple weeks of back and forth I've narrowed the concepts I like down to two. Since my target audience spends a lot of time on this blog, I thought I'd solicit your feedback and see which one you like better. Right now I'm mainly looking for feedback on the concepts--the wedding ring "O" or the couple walking. If there are reasons you like one over the other, feel free to elaborate. If you have comments on the font, colors, etc. that's fine too but that's not something I want to spend too much time on right now. Once I narrow it down to one concept, I'll worry about those other details. And, yes, I have a favorite and no I'm not telling you what it is--at least not right now.
Leave a comment below or send me an email with your thoughts.
Update: Welcome all those who are visiting from The Passive Voice Blog. You can read more about my decision to turn down a publishing contract for this book and go indie with this book here and here.
Concept 1
Concept 2
Final Call for Dating A Widower Stories
Just a reminder that today's the day to submit your stories for consideration for the upcoming Dating a Widower book. (If you ask nicely, I might let one or two trickle in this weekend. :-) ). The real life examples you submit can be either positive or “learning” dating a widower experiences or something in between. Basically we’re looking for any kind of story that can help women navigate the murky waters that come with dating a widower. Though you’re welcome to write about any dating a widower topic, I'm especially looking for stories that can answer the following questions:
- How to get your widower to open up and talk to you about your relationship?
- How you overcame insecurities in the bedroom about being compared to the late wife?
- What have widowers done to make you feel like Number 1?
- When did you realize it was time to end the relationship with a widower?
- How did you deal with the widower’s adult children who weren’t accepting of their dad’s new relationship?
- How did you get the widower’s minor children to accept you as the new “mom”?
- How did you deal with special days like the late wife’s birthday, and wedding anniversary and other holidays?
To submit your story for consideration, send me an email. Please keep submissions to 500 words or less. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can sort them by topic better.) All submissions must be received by May 13, 2011.
The author of any story that makes it into the book will receive a free copy of the Dating a Widower book up publication. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.
If you have any questions about submitting a story let me know.
Thanks, and I’m looking forward to reading what you have to share.
Dating a Widower Book Update
Quick update on the status of the Dating a Widower guide. All the feedback from beta readers was received last week. I appreciate all of them taking the time to read it and give me their thoughts. Though the overall feedback was positive, several beta readers expressed concerns that the book was a little off the mark of what it was trying to accomplish. After taking time to review everything, I’ve decided to rewrite certain sections of the book before it goes to press. So, the book is still on track to come out this year, but with all the rewriting that needs to be done, the release date is going to be pushed back until November. And, yes, I’ll still need about 10 people or so to review the second version. Email me if you’re interested in reviewing the new book.
On the upside, I was finally able to find someone who actually knows how to design book covers. I’m hoping to have it finalized no later than next week. I’ll post it here as soon as it’s ready to go.
Thanks again to all those who took the time to read it and give me feedback.