How Widows and Widowers Can Make Their New Love Number One

What does it take for widows and widowers to make their new love feel like number one? In this video, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh reads a Facebook post from a remarried widower titled "Wife First, not Second Wife" and discusses the decisions and actions this widower had to put his new wife and their relationship above everything else.

Below is the copy of the letter I read in the Widower Wednesday Video

WIFE FIRST, NOT SECOND WIFE.

An essay on speaking up.

By: Daniel W. Snow

6/7/2020

(Warning: It’s kinda long)

Sometimes I actually struggle to come up with the words to express myself. I can not remember a time where that was more true than right now. There has been a serious matter that has weighed on my mind for some time, and I can’t bite my tongue any longer. I have been pondering on this topic for several months, and wanting the right way to speak my mind, and to be totally understood. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that there is no way that I can actually say what is in my heart and to be completely understood. Therefore, I will choose to speak, and hope for understanding from those who have open hearts and minds.

I think we can all agree that people often speak without thinking. I have been guilty of this myself once or twice. Sometimes people just say what pops in their head without thinking of how what they say will impact others. These times I am referring to and will highlight in a moment often there is no offense intended or even realized that there was offense taken. I understand that they stem from people who are not completely aware of the delicacy of the situations.

Without further adieu, I am talking about how people treat my family. Specifically my wife and myself, especially in relation to our relationship, or her place as the wife of a widower. Take a second and put yourself in her place, or even my place if that is easier for you. If you have passed away, wouldn’t you want your spouse to find happiness? If your spouse has passed away don’t you deserve to find happiness? If you find happiness with a widow or widower, do you deserve to be treated as a second spouse, or are you entitled to all of the happiness that comes from sharing a marriage and making a family that is your own?

Still with me?

Good.

Let’s get down and dirty. A couple examples to illustrate what I am referring to;

Recently, a local church leader told my 12 year old daughter that Brenda isn’t her real mother. Right here and right now, Brenda is 100% the mother to all of my children. She takes care of their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs with a heart full of love and with no hesitation. Yesterday, my heart melted when I caught my 9 year old lovingly holding hand with Brenda in a crowded room. My kids call her mom, and to them, that is who she is. 100%, no question. This person may have thought that she was helping our daughter. Wrong. She was damaging one of the best relationships that this girl has in this world. Did she intend to be offensive or hurtful? I doubt it. But, her words however well intended, came out wrong, and damage was done to myself, my daughter, and my wife. For weeks, Abby was depressed after that conversation with her church leader.

A few months ago some of my old friends were in our home, and getting to know Brenda for the first time. There were lots of questions. As we explained the way we were establishing our home, a woman I had been friends with for many years said “Emily wouldn’t like that”. Guess what? This isn’t Emily’s home. This is Dan and Brenda Snow’s home. As we have blended two families into one super family, there were some significant changes from all parties. We look different now to anyone who has known either family before. But the fact of the matter is, we are one family, and we are doing what is best for our family. I did not marry Brenda because she was Emily 2.0. I cherish all of the things that make Brenda different from Emily. This is not to ever say that one woman is better in any way than the other, but that we accept people for who they are. Heck it’s even possible to love the differences. I would be a fool to try to compare or rank the women who I have been fortunate enough to love and marry. Yet, I was a fool to allow my friends to do exactly that. I bit my tongue and let the Emily vs Brenda comparisons happen right in our own home. No more.

Some of the hurtful things that have happened are actually intentional.

I have a close family member who is upset about our marriage for some reason that only they know and have never been able or willing to actually express, and who is working hard to ignore me. It doesn't get more obvious than crossing paths in an otherwise empty hallway with me saying hello, and you purposely looking away (and this has happened many times).You know who you are, however you may never see this since your ignoring me includes not accepting my FB friend requests. How about acting like an adult and telling me what the problem is. I’m not such a bad guy that I wouldn’t honestly listen and try to resolve whatever concerns you have. I’m hurt by your extensive attempts to shun me.

Additionally, one of Emily’s family members is openly spreading rumors about Brenda and me. She has frequently contacted me with the most disgusting accusations and rude things. She has even gone so far as to reach out to Brenda, our family, and people she has never met to tell lies about us. She mailed a package to Emily’s kids, but not to my other three kids. She has called me a murderer, and adulterer. She accuses Brenda of “preying on men '' and called her a homewrecker. None of these claims are even remotely true. I have never replied to her violent and evil messages, because I don’t believe that she can be reasoned with. At first, I gave her a chance to apologize and admit that she made up these untruths, and instead, she chose to further her filthy lies and broaden her audience. I have blocked her from communicating with my family until she corrects her actions. This is one time that I am certain that the offenses were on purpose, and I can guarantee that she will have her comeuppance soon enough. I’m done taking the high road and hoping things will change on their own.

From time to time, friends of Emily and even family have reached out to me to express some of their grief or share a memory. I completely understand where this is coming from, and I neither encourage nor discourage this. For example there have been photos shared to my FB page, private messages sent, gifts given and new traditions established because of Emily’s death. These are great but they come with a price. I share in your grief and loss, but I have been fortunate to have a new life that is so full of happiness that there is no room for sadness anymore. I may have moved on, but I will never forget. The other price of sharing these moments with our friends and family, is that when a spotlight is shined on Emily a shadow may be unintentionally cast onto Brenda. You do not have to push someone into the shadows to pull someone else into the light. If you need to express your love for Emily, do it. Just do it in a way that there is enough light for the family she has left behind. And that includes all eight of us in my home.

Brenda and I have faced these and dozens of other situations where we have kept our mouths shut because we believe that no actual harm was intended. Our philosophy from the moment that we became a couple and people attacked us based on it being “too soon” was to wait it out because people will see our happiness and the super family that we will (and have) become, and that they will naturally jump on board. One of our most vocal early objectors was my mother, and she came around 100% once she witnessed who we are together as a couple and a family. So our philosophy does work, but only when the other parties give it a fair shot, which I believe that most are willing to do. I am only finally opening my mouth at this time because enough is enough, and those who are unintentionally being rude may want the opportunity to self-correct when made aware. If this sounds like you, please know this, we honestly value your friendship and know that you are not intending to hurt. As such, no apology is needed or wanted.

We aren’t trying to erase Emily. We know she is here and she is a part of our lives. Just because I am remarried does not mean that the previous 20 years are lost. We tread a fine line to make sure that we are one super family that includes Emily. I can promise that if anyone ever bad mouthed Emily to Brenda, that she will tear you a new one. I know that Brenda does not view Emily as a rival, and I am losing respect for people who are trying to force a rivalry where a sisterhood actually exists. That said, Brenda is not going to live in Emily’s shadow either. One neighbor in Idaho commented to Brenda that she had big shoes to fill, and I love her response, “I have lots of my own shoes, and I brought them with me.” We actually left Idaho because we wanted to begin our family in a place where nobody knew us and the focus is on who we are today, not what our pasts were. We wanted to have a fresh start to build our super family. I don’t know of any other family that has faced the trials that we have faced (both together and before we were a family) and is as happy as we truly are today. We had a season of miracles in the middle of years of turmoil. We genuinely invite everyone to join in our happiness. One of the things that I cherish the most is how Emily’s parents and brothers have adopted Brenda as a full member of the Whiting family and frequently comment on their happiness at witnessing our happiness.

If you say or do something that is offensive, don’t expect my silence. I won’t be rude, but I want to let you know how I feel. I know it’s hard to put yourself in my shoes or my wife’s shoes, and to know what we are working so hard to become, as well as what we are working so hard to preserve, and how your words or actions may sting. Have you ever lost a spouse? Have you ever married a person who lost a spouse, and had to constantly get pushed into her shadow? If not, then take a moment and try to consider the kinds of things that would hurt in that situation. It’s not really obvious if you haven’t walked in our shoes. I don’t wish the kind of pain that comes from losing a beloved spouse on anyone. I know that pain. However, I can’t begin to imagine the kind of pain that Brenda endures from being made to feel second best within her own home. I have worked hard to make sure that Brenda knows that our relationship is number one to me. There is nothing more important that a husband can do. All my hard work in reassuring her where she stands gets torn down as soon as a well intentioned, but oblivious comment or action is made by our friends or family.

The bottom line; If you are only friends with me solely because of Emily, then maybe it’s time for us to go our separate ways. If this is the case, I wish you a happy life and farewell.

If you are actually friends with me because of me, then thank you. However, know that this also means that by accepting me that you are accepting my entire family. And as such I would ask some consideration to the fact that Brenda is my wife, not my second wife. She is in no way second place. I will stand up for her, defend her, and protect her in every way that a husband should. Even if this means to my own friends and family. This also means that there is no need to compare her to Emily. They are different women and their differences are wonderful. There is no reason to push Emily memories into our home that make it seem that only my late wife matters. In our home, Emily stories are not outlawed. In fact there are dozens shared mostly by our kids every week. We welcome her into our life, but want people to recognize us for who we are right now too.

Again, we want to share our happiness, and welcome everyone, but the invitation to join us includes the provision that you think before you speak.

Thank You.

Authors note: I did not enjoy writing this, but I can’t stand people hurting my loved ones. I’ve chosen to raise a warning notice, but I would have preferred to use a friendly voice. Hopefully my tone is not misinterpreted and my intent is understood. If not, let’s talk.

Don't Let the Past Dictate Your Future

The date of death. Her birthday. Their anniversary. Often widowers put so much significance around these dates that the days and weeks or even the month they occurred become off limits to planning trips, going out, or other things to advance your relationship. What are you allowed to do in the days and weeks before these dates? Watch the latest Widower Wednesday video to find out.

How to Break Up with a Widower, Part 3: Life after the Break Up

In the third of a 3 part series on breaking up with a widower, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discusses 4 thing you can do that will make the post break up days and weeks easier. In addition learn what you should do if the widower you break up with wants a second chance.

Transcript of Video:

Hi, it’s Wednesday. That means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Today is part 3 in our three-part series on how to break up with a widower.

Part 1 discussed the reasons to break up with a widower and when you should do it. Part 2 was about the actual breakup and how to make that the best situation for everyone involved. By the way, if you want to find those videos, I'll post them down in the comments below, or you can search through my channel. They’re up.

This part, however, is on how to make it through the days and weeks following the breakup, which can actually be harder than the actual breakup itself. So we're gonna discuss ways that you can do it. In fact, we have four tips and tricks to get through those days and weeks. We'll also discuss what to do if the widower wants a second chance or wants to get back together, and how you can know if he's really serious about this or not.

The first thing you need to do is have a plan for after the breakup. What I see a lot of times is people in coaching sessions or whatever will have a plan for the breakup. They'll even write it down, what it is they're gonna say. Then they get home, and they just don't know what to do. They wake up the next morning, and it's like, "What did I do?" or they're just sitting around with nothing to do.

I think it's important to focus on the breakup, how, and what you're gonna say and actually break up with the widower. But you need to have some idea of what you're gonna do in those days and weeks following the breakup. Whether you're going back to work or getting out of town, the last thing you want to do is sit around with nothing to do. You need to stay busy. Having a lot of free time on your hands is the absolute worst thing that you can do. It leads to second-guessing, loneliness, and other issues. The next thing you know, you find yourself back in a relationship where nothing's changed. It isn't good for the widower or yourself.

What I suggest is, before you break up with the widower, make a list of things you need to do that maybe you haven't had time for recently. Make a plan to get out of town or do something else that will take you away from things for a while. Go see family, for example. It's something I work on in coaching sessions—not only how to go through a breakup but also what you’re going to do in the days and weeks following it.

Have a plan. Some ideas I've seen are people spring-cleaning the entire house, taking a trip they've always wanted to take, or finding some activity that will occupy their time. The point is, you need to find something to do. It's already a hard time, and the last thing you need is to sit around with nothing to do. That actually makes things worse, not better.

The second tip is to focus on yourself. Maybe as you're making these plans, hang out with family, friends, and others. Treat yourself to some kind of activity that you enjoy or maybe something you've wanted to indulge in for a while but haven't been able to. If you need to get out of town, go for a trip. But again, when I say focus on yourself, worry about yourself—don't worry about the widower.

I've done a lot of post-breakup coaching sessions, and people are worried about whether the widower is doing okay. He's fine. He'll be fine. He'll make it through it. Don't worry about how he's doing. You've got to worry about how you're doing. Focus on you, healing yourself, and giving yourself some time for self-reflection. The widower will be fine. He'll make it through it, I promise. It may be hard for him, but it's not the end of the world.

When you're doing some of these activities, focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. Do some self-care things with friends or family that can take your mind off things. But don't worry about what the widower is doing or how he's reacting. He'll be fine.

The third tip is do not contact the widower. I know it's tempting, especially if you're worried about him, to go out there and just text him real quick, asking, "Are you doing okay? How's everything going?" Don't do it. In the previous video, we talked about blocking him on social media and your phone so he can't reach out and contact you. There'll be time to talk to the widower later, but the days and weeks following a breakup are not the time to do it. You need time to get your thoughts and feelings in check. The days and weeks after are really emotional, and if you contact him, that's going to ruin any chance you have for self-reflection and wondering if you did the right thing.

You need time. I say, at a minimum, wait two weeks. If you really feel you need to contact him, wait at least two weeks so you've had some time to sit and reflect on the things you want to do. I highly recommend not contacting him or responding to his texts or calls if you haven't blocked him yet. This post-breakup time is for you to heal and find yourself a little bit, and see what life is like without him. Trust me, he's okay. He'll be fine. Even if he's upset, he'll figure out a way to work through it.

Now, what happens if the widower wants to get back together? You’ve broken up, you have a plan, maybe you've gotten out of town for a while, focused on yourself, and haven't contacted him. But somehow, the widower reaches out and says, "Hey, things are different. I want to get back together." Should you do it?

This is one of the reasons I recommend a period of at least two weeks for self-reflection after you break up and not contacting him. When a widower reaches out wanting to get back together, you want to make that decision with the least amount of emotion possible. Granted, most of our decisions are emotion-based, but we can be very emotional or somewhat rational when we make decisions. Usually, after two weeks, we're doing a little better. We may still be smarting from the breakup or wondering if we did the right thing, but we're not as emotionally invested as we were 48 hours after the breakup.

If a widower wants to get back together after two weeks, take some time to reflect. Look back on your life over the last two weeks. Ask yourself, is your life better without the widower, or is it worse? When I have people do this in coaching sessions, 95% of the time they say, "My life's better. I don't have this stress in my life anymore. I don't have these problems. I'm not worried about it." What is your gut saying? If your gut says you're better off without the widower, listen to your gut. Do you really want to go back to a relationship full of stress and issues you don't want to deal with? It's a fair question to ask.

Let's say you want to give him one more shot. When do you do that? Only if your gut tells you to—not your emotions, not "I miss him," but if your gut says, "I really think I should give him a second chance." If that happens and his actions back up his words, then maybe you should consider giving him a second chance.

For example, let's say you broke up because there was a shrine to his late wife in his house, or he refused to introduce you to his kids. These are common reasons for breaking up with a widower. Only consider getting back together if he has made changes. If he says, "Things are different, I want to get back together," ask for proof. If it was the shrine, ask for photos of his house. If the shrine is still there, getting back together means he didn't take the breakup seriously. If he takes down the shrine, maybe it's worth considering. If it was about his kids, and he says, "I'll introduce you," then the very next time you get together, it should be at a function where you can meet them. His actions must back up his words. Words alone mean nothing, especially if a widower is lonely. He’ll say anything to get you back together. Post-breakup actions are what matter. Is he making changes in his life to make you number one?

Go back to video 2 where I say, "Tell him why you're breaking up," so he has a chance to reflect and make changes if he wants to. If his actions back up his words, listen to your gut. Take a day or two to see if you want to get back together. But do not fall for, "If we get back together, I'll change things." That never works. He's either in or out. If breaking up hasn't caused him to take action, I guarantee getting back together won't change anything. In two or three months, you'll be back in the same spot.

To summarize the five post-breakup steps:

  1. Have a plan for after the breakup. Don't be alone with nothing to do. Stay busy with friends, family, travel, work, or activities around the house.

  2. Focus on yourself. This is your time to heal and reflect on life without the widower. Don't worry about him.

  3. Do not contact him. Don't reach out. This time is for self-reflection.

  4. If the widower wants to get back together, listen to your gut. Is your life better or worse without him?

  5. If he wants to get back together, make sure his actions back up his words. Don't just get back together because he says he's changed.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and I’ll see you next Wednesday.

How to Break Up with a Widower, Part 2: Telling the Widower the Relationship is Over

In the second of a 3 part series on breaking up with a widower, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discusses 5 tips and tricks that can make the breakup conversation go smoother while avoiding giving widowers who aren't ready to open their hearts a second chance.

Sure! Here's the transcript with added punctuation and paragraphs for better readability:

Hi, it's Wednesday, which means it's time for another video edition of "Wit or Wednesday." I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today is the second in a three-part series about how to break up with a widower.

In Part 1, we discussed the reasons that you should break up with a widower and when's a good time to end the relationship. This video is focused on the actual breakup part and will include some tips and ideas on how to make the conversation go as easily as possible for both you and the widower.

The final video, which I'll post next time I do a Widower Wednesday video, is about how to put your life back together after a breakup and how to avoid giving widowers who are just looking to date (but aren’t ready to move on) a second chance. It's very common that widowers want a second chance, and we'll talk about how to know if a widower is serious about changing after you break up with him.

But today, we're going to discuss five tips and tricks that can make the breakup conversation as easy as possible. Keep in mind, some of these may seem counterintuitive, but remember, you're speaking to a man, and these tips are designed to help both you and him. So here we go:

Tip 1: Do It in Person

Please, please, please, do not break up over text, chat, or any other form of communication, unless you're worried about his reaction, like you're worried about him getting violent. In that case, yes, you can do it personally, but honestly, the best way to do it is to have the conversation in person. You know, maybe in a private place—not necessarily in your home or his home, but please don’t do it in public. Find a quiet place, like a park, to have that conversation.

The reason I suggest this is not only does it make it more personal, but it also gives you a chance to read his body language and see how he's responding to this. That’s something you really can’t do over email, text, or chat.

If you're in a long-distance relationship, the best thing you can do is, again, I understand you may not be able to be there in person, but at least do it over FaceTime or Zoom, or something like that, where you can see each other, read each other's body language, and it’s a bit more personal.

I know, many of you know, I had a long-distance relationship with someone before I met Julie. I did break up with her on the phone since we were 600 miles apart, and face-to-face wasn’t possible. But I’ll add that this was back before FaceTime and Zoom, so a phone call was the most personal option under the circumstances.

Tip 2: Make a Clean Break

When you break up, you break up. This conversation isn’t about second chances or him saying he’ll make changes to his life. This is about a breakup, and it needs to be crystal clear. For example, you could say something like, “John, things aren’t working out, and I’m ending the relationship,” or “John, we’ve tried, but it’s not working out, it’s over.”

Feel free to write it down and practice it before you actually break up with him, but it needs to be made clear that this isn’t about second chances or anything else. It’s a breakup.

The reason for this is that if you don’t make it clear, it’s easy to get sidetracked into him asking for a second chance or trying to convince you to make things work. Widowers who aren’t looking for a serious relationship will try to string things out as long as possible. He needs to know that it’s over, and you need to know that it's over too.

Tip 3: Keep the Breakup Conversation Short and Simple

You don’t have to give him a reason. Don't drag the conversation out or get into a bunch of side stuff or emotions; that's only going to make things worse for both of you. Remember, you’re talking to a man, and if you want him to understand you, talk like a man would talk to another man—short, simple, and direct.

Be kind, but firm. For example, you could say, “John, the relationship is over,” or “We’re breaking up.” You can give him a reason if you want, like, “I can’t stand your adult children,” or “You’re still wearing your wedding ring.” Keep it short and to the point, and don’t feel obligated to give a reason.

Widowers don’t always give reasons when they break up. In my coaching sessions, I hear from many people whose widowers just walk away, and they never get an explanation. If you feel like giving a reason, that’s fine, but you’re not obligated to. Keep it simple and avoid dragging it out.

Tip 4: You Don’t Have to Listen to His Reasons

After the breakup, he might give you excuses about why things haven’t worked out, or he might promise to change. Understand that you don’t have to listen to this. The point of the conversation is to end the relationship, not to figure things out or offer second chances.

If he starts giving you reasons, you can simply say, “It’s too late to fix things, it’s over.” Don’t go down that rabbit hole of excuses. If he tries to make things worse, kindly cut him off. Say something like, “I’ve heard these excuses before, but we need to move on.”

Tip 5: After You Break Up, Block Him

After the breakup, block him on social media, your phone, email—any way he can contact you. The reason I suggest this is that this is a very vulnerable time for you. You may still be feeling lousy, even if breaking up was the right thing to do. The last thing you need is him texting or calling and promising that things will change.

You need time to reflect and gain some emotional distance. Blocking him shows that you're serious and gives you space to evaluate how life is without him. Too often, I’ve seen widowers worm their way back into a woman’s life, weeks after the breakup. Then, months later, she finds herself in the same situation because nothing changed.

Take at least a couple of weeks of no contact. This will give you time to reflect and put your life back together. After the breakup, you may realize how much less stressed or happier you are, and that’s a good sign. If you feel better, that means the breakup was the right choice.

To summarize, the five tips for breaking up with a widower are:

  1. Do it in person.

  2. Make a clean break—this isn’t about second chances.

  3. Keep the conversation short and simple; you don’t have to give a reason.

  4. You don’t have to listen to his reasons, but if you do, be prepared to cut him off.

  5. After the breakup, block him on social media and all other ways he can contact you.

In the next video, I’ll discuss second chances and how to know if the widower who wants one is serious.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. Like, subscribe, and leave a comment below if you have questions about breaking up with a widower or want to share your widower story. I’ll see you next Wednesday!

5 Ways to Stop Living in the Past

Living in the past is toxic for any relationship. Whether you're a widower or dating a widower, holding on to memories or grudges will destroy even the strongest relationships. In this video relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discuss 5 things widowers and those who are dating them can do to live in the present and embrace the future.