3 Reasons Adult Kids Struggle with Dad’s Dating after Mom’s Passing (And What You Can Do about It)

Adult children often have issues when their dad dates again. This video will cover the top 3 reasons adult children of widowers struggle with dad starting a new relationship and the best ways to work through these issues with them.

Transcript:

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we are going to discuss the top three reasons adult children have a hard time with dad dating or marrying again, and what it is you can do if you have adult children and they're experiencing these, or if you're dating a widower and they're exhibiting, you know, they're hostile to, to you or to the relationship, what it is that you can do to work through some of these problems.

So I've said it before, but I'll say it again for those who aren't familiar with my videos.

When I started coaching and the issues of children came up, I always thought it would kind of be like the minor children, the teenagers and such living at home that would have the hardest time with dad dating again.

And they do have a hard time with him dating again.

And there's always adjustments to be made when a parent dies and mom or dad is dating someone else.

But most of the things I see in coaching sessions and through emails and things like that, it's the adult children.

And these are typically people that are out of the house, maybe even they have families of their own, but for whatever reason, they're having a hard time seeing dad date again, seeing dad with another woman, they don't want dad marrying again, things like that.

So we're going to get into the top three reasons why they feel that way.

And then again, what is it that you can do, whether you're a widower or you're dating a widower, how you can deal with these.

So the top reason I see for adult children having a hard time with dad dating again is that they're still grieving.

Losing a spouse is very different than losing a parent.

Right.

You can always remarry, and not that you're replacing your spouse, but there is that option out there where you can go and remarry.

And a lot of times widows and widowers, they can process that loss a bit better and they can move forward faster.

It's different than losing a parent.

You really can't get a new mom or dad if your parent dies, obviously they're stepparents.

But just that relationship you had with your mom or your dad, it's gone.

And you can't just, whoever he remarries or whoever he starts dating doesn't just necessarily take that spot, if that makes sense.

So that's the main reason I see the top reason is that the children are still grieving and they're just having a hard time adjusting and seeing dad with somebody else.

And again, there's nothing wrong with being on a different page than dad.

And I'll get to how you can deal with that in a minute.

But I'm just pointing out that is the top reason.

The second reason I see has to do with money or inheritance.

They are worried that Dad's dating a gold digger or that she's just dating dad for his money.

And dad is all caught up in love and he can't see it and they're worried about that.

Whatever, Dad's going to leave all his stuff or more stuff to her.

And what about us?

That is the second reason I see that adult children have with dad dating again.

And the final reason that I see is just that I often refer to it as the mini wife, but oftentimes after the mom dies, adult children, especially daughters, sometimes sons.

I have seen it in sons, but it's typically daughters will kind of step in and they take what I sometimes term as a mini wife role.

And what that is, is they step in and they do a lot of things that mom was doing.

They might help dad out a lot, take him places just to spend a lot more time with them.

And I do see just the fact that usually when the mom dies, that the widower tends to spend more time with his kids, especially if they live close.

So suddenly he's spending all this time with their kids that maybe he wasn't spending before.

And then a new woman comes in and boom, there's a new relationship there.

Dad's spending less time, the kids kind of like, hey, wait, what's going on?

We were enjoying this new thing that we were having.

So anyway, those are kind of the top three reasons that I see.

I'm sure there's other reasons that adult children have a hard time, but I would say that incorporates 85% to 90% of the coaching calls that I do with couples who are trying to deal with adult children again who aren't supportive of the relationship.

So they're still grieving, they're worried about inheritance or finances, and they're spending less time with dad.

That's 80 or 90%.

So I know, but most of you are wondering, well, those are the top three reasons.

Whatever.

I have sons or daughters that are against this relationship.

How is it that I can deal with this?

So let me give you some ideas on how you can deal with these various situations.

And I think the most important thing is that whatever you do, the most important thing for any of these things, these situations, is that you don't let these kids, these adult children, again, remember, we're talking about adult children here.

That you don't let them emotionally manipulate you into giving up the relationship just because they aren't ready for it or they're worried about different things.

Again, we're talking about adults with their own lives.

If you give in to them on this, they will try to control every aspect of your life going forward.

I've just seen that again and again.

So just throwing it out there that no matter what tact you end up taking, don't give in to any manipulation and stuff that they do.

Okay, so the first reason is if they're still grieving and they're still having a hard time losing their mom, I think the best thing you can do is really not force the new relationship on them.

I think the best thing you can do is keep those lines of communication open.

You need to have a conversation or maybe a series of conversations where you let them know that you love them, that you'll always love their mom, and that you're here to talk as needed.

Right.

If they're still grieving and they need someone to talk to, that you're there to talk to, not necessarily that you're their therapist, but you're happy to hear how they're doing.

And are there things within reason that you can do to kind of aid them and help them move forward?

But I think that's the most important thing, is just to keep those communication lines open.

A lot of times widowers, they get a little worried.

They're worried about dating again and how the kids will react.

And sometimes they kind of hide the relationship.

And that really doesn't do a lot.

It kind of breaks down those communication lines.

And again, it's not that you have to be telling them every detail of the relationship, but I think letting them know that you're dating again, letting them know when you're in a serious relationship, things like that can go a long way to kind of help preparing them for this kind of new chapter in your life and a new chapter in their life.

But it's really important that you don't let their grief stop you from living their lives.

A lot of times they're very sad, and again, they can get therapy.

There's different things that you can do there or that you can suggest for them.

But ultimately, just like somebody can't solve the widower's grief or your grief, they have to work through their own grief and they shouldn't be holding your life back just because they're having a hard time grieving.

A lot of times they'll be like, dad, if you want to see the kids, your grandkids, you got to stop dating this woman or whatever it is, and that's not healthy for anybody.

So again, keep those lines of communication open.

Let them just talk to them.

Let them know that, again, you're dating, again has nothing to do with the love you have for their mom and kind of do what you can to help them work through their grief.

But understand that ultimately they are in charge of their own grief and they are the ones that need to work through it.

So that's kind of the best thing you can do there for the second reason is when they're worried about inheritance or worried that Dad's dating a gold digger, I always kind of cringe at that one.

I think it says a lot about where the kids hearts are.

Not that you shouldn't be worried about that, but ultimately, the thing is that it's your money, it's not anybody else's money, and no one's entitled to it, and you can do with it whatever you want.

I'm not opposed by any means of making sure that the kids are taken care of, but I don't like the entitlement attitude, I guess, is what I see.

So if you have kids that are worried about inheritance, I think something you should consider is maybe a prenup or something like that.

Again, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to make sure that you want to pass things down to your kids.

They get passed things down to your kids.

And honestly, most of the women I talk to who are accused of being gold diggers, they're not.

They just want a stable relationship.

The thing I do warn them about, and this skim going is going back to, is that if you're getting into another relationship and you want to leave things to your kids, that's fine.

I don't have a problem with it.

But you do need to make sure that this new woman in your life, if you're married to her, that you're not leaving her destitute should you die.

Most heartbreaking coaching sessions I've had have come from women who have married or moved in with a widower.

The widower is gone.

There's nothing in the will or the estate that says that, for example, she can live in the house until she dies or anything like that.

And they're kind of out on the street and they're kind of worse off than what they were.

So again, I don't have anything wrong with protecting assets or passing things on to your kids, but I think at the same time, if you're bringing a new person into your life and you love them, you need to make sure that, I don't know, you guys can work out the asset thing, but just to make sure that they are protected on the off chance that you die before she does that.

She's not destitute, homeless, without some way to kind of survive if you do pass.

So, anyway, just something to think about there.

But again, I think the big thing is no one's entitled to your money.

And if the kids feel like they're entitled to it, I think it's More having a conversation with them, letting them know that, look, these are my plans for going forward.

These are my plans on the inheritance.

But maybe kind of smack them around a little bit verbally, not physically, but maybe just kind of talk to them and just kind of point out that it is your money, you can do with it as you want, but you are going to take care of them.

Again, it's the entitlement attitude I don't like there.

Okay.

The final thing is, again, what do you do if you have a son or a daughter or son or daughters and they've been used to kind of spending more time with you, have maybe a better or stronger relationship with you after mom died, because you're spending more time together and suddenly you're spending more time with this other woman, less time with them.

How do you handle that?

And I would just say to that, redefining relationships is something you have to do through all stages of life with your kids.

You have different relationships with them when they're five years old, when they're 15 years old, when they're adults, your relationship evolves with them.

And I think, again, the best thing you can do on this is keep the lines of communication open.

Let them know that just because you're spending less time with them doesn't mean that you love them less or that you aren't thinking about them.

I think there are ways, again, you can spend time with them.

No one's saying you can't, but it's in a healthy way redefining that relationship with them.

Let them know that, yeah, I'm spending more time with this person.

Now.

It's not that I don't want to spend time with you guys or your kids or the family, but it's just that we've just got to kind of redefine things and again, I think the more you can keep those lines of communication open, which is odly a theme in all three things here.

But if you can keep those lines of communication open with your kids, these issues tend to be resolved a lot better.

But again, ultimately, if the kids are going to be jerks and they're going to whatever, say, you can't see the grandkids or they're going to try to emotionally blackmail you, that is not a healthy relationship.

And I think you need to at that point, take a step back and let them kind of sort things out, because I've seen it a lot.

I guarantee that if you let them in the door where they are going to emotionally manipulate the situation and realize that they can get away with it, they will do it again and again and again and again.

So you got to have some tough love there at the beginning and be able to hopefully nip it in the bud.

And sadly, if the kids don't come around to it, again, it's redefining relationships.

Maybe you've got to just take a step back for it.

Because ultimately, if you're dating and you're looking for a serious, committed relationship here, ultimately that person has to be the most important person in your life.

And again, remembering we're talking about adult children here, not minor children, but that person needs to be the most important person in your life.

And not that you can't have a relationship with your kids, but again, as you grow and they grow and have families of their own, relationships just get redefined.

And it has nothing to do with the amount of love that you have for them.

So that's it.

On the top three reasons adult children have a hard time seeing their widowed father date again, if you would like to schedule, if you're having some of these issues and like to schedule a coaching session, you can do so with a link in the description.

You can leave your comments below.

Subscribe this channel like this video and and I will see you all next Wednesday.

Bye.

Embracing Chapter Two: Overcoming Guilt and Building a New Life

Sometimes widows and widowers feel guilty about moving forward or look back fondly on their new life. How can one move forward and embrace their new life? My latest Widower Wednesday video has the answer.

Transcript follows.

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and today we are going to talk about widows and widowers who feel guilty about chapter two and starting chapter two.

The idea behind this video comes from several emails and comments I've received from widows and widowers who have started chapter two.

They're in good marriages, they're in strong relationships with their new spouses, or in long-term relationships with their partners, but they feel guilty about the sacrifices they've had to make in order to make chapter 2 successful.

So this video will address these issues.

So for example, sometimes these widows and widowers they may feel bad or guilty about moving away from their adult kids or other family members in order to make the marriage work.

They miss old friendships or traditions they used to participate in back at home.

They may struggle with the challenges that come with building a new life with a new person.

These kind of lead not necessarily wanting to end chapter two but reaching out and asking how do I deal with these feelings so first of all if you're looking back at the past and missing it that is normal and it's not just something that widows and widowers do I think you know we've all had times in our lives where we've gone through a transition and a change and you look back, you know, what the last, you know, it could be 10 years ago, five years ago, whatever, a couple months ago, and you see what life was like.

And we all kind of do it at times.

We all kind of miss the past and just kind of realize, man, I had it good, I kind of miss that.

So there's nothing wrong with remembering and reflecting on the past, first of all, so long as that doesn't interfere with our new life.

Because in order to build a new life, you need to understand that there's no solutions here, that there's only trade-offs.

And I come from the great philosopher Thomas Sowell.

He coined the phrase, there's no solutions, just trade-offs.

In order to have a new life, a new chapter two, you have to give up all or parts of your old life.

And that's just reality.

And no matter how hard you miss it, no matter how hard you miss those good times or those friendships or traditions or things like that, your old life isn't coming back.

And so if you find yourself as a widow or widower kind of feeling maybe guilty or thinking about chapter one and kind of wishing that things were different.

The best thing you can do is understand that there's a price you had to pay for this new life and you have got to focus on and embrace the life you have now.

That means focusing on your new spouse and putting all of your time and energy into him or her.

It means making new relationships, new friendships, starting new traditions.

You need to build a new life just like you did when you got married the first time.

You had to build a new life then, you have to build a new life now.

And yes, it's going to be different than your past life, but that doesn't mean it can't be as good or it can't be just as wonderful.

Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, well, Abel, that's easy for you to say, you know, you've been married 20 years and you've built this thing.

It's like, yeah, And it's not easy.

It's not easy to do.

It's easier said than done, but you need to really embrace, decide what it is that you want chapter two to look like and just embrace that.

And you need to realize all the stuff that you've gained, instead of focusing on what you've lost, you need to focus on what it is that you've gained.

So for example, in my case, you know, back all those years ago, I lost a wife, I lost a daughter, I had to redefine relationships with friends and family, I sold a house, I had to move.

And I'll be honest, there were times where I looked back and said, yeah, I did kind of, not that I felt guilty or bad, but there were times, I mean, it was a big adjustment to create a new life and start a new life.

And there was times that Julie and I struggled with it.

I mean, we're just as human as anybody else.

In fact, if you want to read about it, I have the wife and the next life here.

If you want to read about some of these struggles that we had in building chapter two together, it was by no means smooth.

It wasn't horrible and rough, but it was by no means a smooth and perfect experience.

But really what worked for me is I had to say this is the choice that I made I made a choice to marry Juliana to start a new life with her to start a family with her and I had to embrace that and I had to embrace that decision and just accept it and make the best out of it And instead of focusing on the things that I had lost, like moving and just having to redefine friendships and things like that, I really focused on what I had gained.

What I had gained by starting a new life with Julie.

Well, I had a new marriage, we had new children, we created a new family, and we created new traditions.

And it was different, and again, wasn't smooth.

Read the wife and the next life, You can get some of those details.

It was it wasn't smooth for Julie either but I embraced the choices and I embraced my new life with Juliana And if I have pined after my old life with Krista or my past life or kind of regretted those decisions I guarantee the marriage that Julie and I have would not have lasted and so Really?

You just have to go out there and just accept the life that you have and embrace it.

It doesn't mean, again, if it's okay if you struggle at it, it's okay if it's a little bit hard, but you've made this choice.

You've made a choice to start a chapter two with someone else.

You have got to embrace that choice.

You have got to accept that choice.

And the more time and energy you put into creating a new relationship, creating new memories and strengthening that marriage, instead of focusing on the past, the stronger and better that your marriage will be.

And yes, it's going to be different than chapter one, but there's no reason it can't be as good or it can't be as sweet.

So okay to miss the past, okay to understand you had to make sacrifices for this, but it's when you make sacrifices that's when the blessings come and that's when you create the new life that you're meant to live.

So like, comment, subscribe below.

Leave me your thoughts on this, things that you have done to over to start a new life and overcome feelings of missing the past or guilt.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Widower Relationship Advice: Finding Your Way Amidst Conflicting Voices

Discover the keys to finding clarity and direction in widower dating. In this insightful video, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh, offers invaluable advice on navigating the often conflicting internet guidance about dating, grieving, and starting a new chapter after loss. Learn how to identify your relationship goals, seek advice from those who have successfully walked the path, and cut through the noise to create a meaningful and fulfilling Chapter 2.

Transcript follows:

Hi, it's Wednesday and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keough, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and today we are going to discuss conflicting internet advice about dating, grieving, and moving on and starting Chapter 2 with someone else.

The idea for this video comes from an email that a viewer sent in and I'm sharing it with her permission and the email goes like this.

She writes, Abel, I'm currently dating a widower whose wife died a year and a half ago.

My widower belongs to several different widower and online grief groups.

He gets a lot of conflicting advice on these sites.

Some widowers say that he should keep wearing his wedding ring and keep the photos of him and the late wife up, and that any woman who feels threatened by these things is insecure.

Other widowers, like you, say these things need to go if he's in an exclusive relationship.

Other widowers fall somewhere in the middle.

This has led to a lot of confusion for him and kind of stalled him and our relationship in progress.

What advice would you give him and other widowers who are in this situation?

So it's a great question, and this is a common predicament, because there is lots of information out there.

It can be hard to sort through the noise.

And in fact, it's kind of the opposite of the problem I had.

When I was widowed, there was like no information out there.

This was early internet days, and there was like no information out there and I was like seeking for any kind of information.

Now we've kind of turned it and there's almost too much.

But there are things that I can recommend that widows and widowers do to kind of sort through some of the noise and focus on the voices that can help them the most.

So the first thing that widows and widowers need to do is they need to figure out what it is they want this next chapter of their life to look like.

Do you want to work through your grief and be happy again?

Do you want a relationship?

And if you want a relationship, What kind of relationship do you want?

Do you want marriage?

Do you want partnership?

Do you want something more casual?

So the key to sorting, the first key to sorting through all the noise and all the different opinions out there is knowing exactly what you want.

Now, if you know what you want, Then you need to search for people that have successfully walked the walk.

So for example, say you are a widow or a widower and at some point you would like to get in a serious relationship and get married again, or at least be in a long-term relationship, something like that.

So If that's the kind of life that you want, if that's the next chapter of your life, what you want it to look like, then you need to seek out voices of those widows and widowers who have successfully done that.

I'm not just talking someone, or widow or widower, who was able to get married, but someone who's been married for several years.

And the reason I say that is because the divorce rate for widows and widowers is extremely high.

I mean, second marriages already have a high divorce rate.

You throw the widow or widower factor in there, and the divorce rate goes up even more.

So it's really seeking out people who kind of have the life that you want, who have accomplished what it is that you want to do, and kind of proven in the sense that they didn't just get married like last week or six months ago, maybe they've been married for a few years and you can kind of tell that they have a happy relationship.

So it's just like with anything, if you're taking marriage advice or relationship advice, you don't want to take it from people who have had a bunch of unsuccessful relationships, right?

If you're looking for any kind of relationship advice, you want to go to those who have had successful relationships who know how to navigate the you know, the Challenges that come up.

I mean and this is true not just for relationships But for anything if you were seeking financial advice, Would you go to Warren Buffett and ask him?

You know how to how how to invest and how to become rich or would you go to someone who?

Just declared bankruptcy and ask them for advice or if you were looking to get fit and to get in shape Would you take it from someone who wasn't fair to you know?

Who was in shape Or would you take it from someone who was obese and out of shape?

You know, it's it's really it's again I understand there's lots of noise and there's lots of voices out there But you need to be able to understand exactly what it is that you want and then find those people Who have lived that life who have kind of gone through and navigated some of these challenges and those are the people that you want to listen to.

Because once you know what it is that you want, it's a lot easier to cut through the noise and focus on those who have successfully walked the walk.

Don't let those who don't have the same goals, the same desires, and the same wants as you tell you how to live your life.

It's pretty easy.

It's pretty clear.

It's that way.

So again, just seek out those who have successfully done it.

Again, that's why I do what I do.

In part is because, you know, I've had a successful Chapter 2 for 20 years now, I've helped thousands of people decide what it is that they want and move forward.

If you want to schedule a coaching session and talk about it, we can do that as well.

But go ahead and share your thoughts on this below, like the video, share it, leave your own comments about the voices out there but really it's knowing what you want and focusing on those people that want the same thing I'm Abel Keough author of the book dating a widower and I'll see you next Wednesday Thank you.

Thank

Round Two: Widower or Narcissist

You asked for it, and here it is! After the incredible response to our last video, we're diving even deeper into the enigmatic world of widower issues and narcissistic problems. In this highly-anticipated sequel, we're cranking up the suspense and complexity. Prepare for a rollercoaster ride of emotions as we present even trickier scenarios that'll keep you guessing!

Can you spot the telltale signs? Is it a heartfelt journey of grief or a maze of narcissistic manipulation? Join me once again as we dissect these intriguing situations, providing you with the tools to navigate life's most puzzling encounters.

Are You Dealing with a Widower or Battling a Narcissist?

Ever found yourself in a tricky situation, wondering if it's the aftermath of a widower's grief or a classic case of narcissism?

Get ready for an engaging challenge as I dive into a game that'll put your instincts to the test! In this video, I'll present real-life scenarios, and it's up to YOU to guess if they're wrapped in the complexities of widowerhood or tangled in the web of narcissistic behavior.

So, grab your detective hats and join me on this thrilling journey of deduction and insight!

Why are you dating?

Why are you dating? What's the ultimate aim of putting yourself out there? Marriage? Partnership? Fun? Something else? In this video, I discuss what you can learn from the breakup of Joe Manganiello and Sofía Vergara, and why you and the person you're dating need to be on the same page.