Sometimes grief can become very self-centered. When that happens a person can have a hard time maintaining relationships. In this video, I discuss the signs of selfish grief, what one can do to look outward, and what those who are dating a widow/widower who are enmeshed in their own grief should do.
Living with My Husband’s Dead Wife
I respond to an insightful essay by the wife of a widower who helped keep the memory of the late wife alive only to realize that her behavior was a mistake. Read the essay here.
Transcript
I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re going to discuss an essay written by the wife of a widower who describes her experience of helping to keep the memory of the late wife alive. Now, full disclosure, I know the author and she helped edit one of my books, The Wife in the Next Life. Now, the reason I’m sharing this essay is that she provides great insight on what not to do when becoming involved with a widower when it comes to keeping the memory of the late wife alive.
Usually, it’s the widower that wants to keep the memory of the late wife alive through shrines, yearly memorial services, telling stories, and photograph. However, sometimes the girlfriend or wife of a widowers does things to keep the flame burning. In this article, just a few of the author did included
Indulged the widower’s parents (who adored the late wife) in conversations about her.
Helped celebrate her birthday
Scatter the late wife’s dogs ashes at her grave
Wore her belt for many years
Now before you pile on the author for doing these things, this type of activity is actually more common than people think. When I talk to clients who are dating or married to a widower, I often hear how their empathy and/or guilt makes them feel like they have obligations to help keep the flame of the late wife burning especially if there are young children in the mix.
The truth is you’re under no, and I repeat, NO obligation to keep the memory of the late wife alive or indulge in any activity that does this. Your focus should be on the present, the future, and how to, along with the widower, build a strong relationship that will last forever and this essay artfully illustrates the downsides of trying to keep the memory of the late wife alive.
The good news is that the writer learned her lesson and the key takeaway in this essay is the following line: “Maybe the greatest act of love — for me, for Brandon, even for [his late wife] Sherise — I realized, is to let the dead rest in peace. To live in the moment without compromise or apology.”
If you want to read this insightful essay, and I encourage you to do so, there’s a link in the video description below. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.
Do Widowers Need Therapy?
Many women are dating widowers who refuse to see a therapist. Is it a red flag? In this video Relationship Coach provides guidance so widowers can decide if therapy is right them, if they need to see a therapist, and what alternatives are out there if they decide therapy isn't right for them.
Prayer Flag Run
Why, yes, I did time my run to the prayer flags perfectly this morning. 🙂
Good Intentions, Bad Results: How Reminders of the Past Prevent One from Moving Forward
In this video, I share a story from a recently remarried widower about how reminders of the past temporarily halted his progress toward a new life with his new wife.
Visiting the Famous Idaho Potato Museum
Check thus one off my bucket list. If you haven't visited the Idaho Potato Museum, you’ve never been to Idaho.
(Thanks to my family for indulging me in this stop.)
Went to the dark place...
Went to the dark place, pushed through the pain, and completed the Timp Half Marathon in 1:41:09 (7:43 per mile pace).
And, yes, would run it again.
Ditch the Dating App and Join a Club
People are ditching dating apps and meeting people at places like running clubs and other organizations that meet on a regular basis. This is a better way to meet people. More details here and at the video below.
You're NOT Being Insecure!
What do you do when you bring up issues or concerns with a widower and he tells you that "you're being insecure?" I have the answer in this video.
Drama Ensues After Woman Finds Out How Husband Refers to His Late Wife
I was extensively quoted in the article below. Scroll for excerpt. You can read the entire Bored Panda article here.
Excerpt:
Relationship coach and the expert on dating and marrying a widower Abel Keogh says that calling his late spouse “my wife” implies that he’s still married to the deceased person. “If a widower is going to mention their deceased spouse, they should use that person’s first name or they should say ‘late wife’ to clarify that they’re talking about a deceased individual,” he explains.
“Using the term ‘my wife’ in conversation often causes confusion and resentment,” he notes. “If the widower is with his new girlfriend and begins using the term ‘my wife,’ those he’s talking to might think he’s talking about the girlfriend instead of his deceased spouse.”
***
“The new spouse has NO obligation to uphold the memory of the late wife,” he emphasizes. “They can do so if they choose, but upholding a memory of the late wife usually makes the living wife feel like second best.”
Read whole article here.